*TW* kinderkin memories new to me. specifics too.

*this whole yowling of mine is triggering, speaking of abuse.*

i have been dreaming a lot of things. not good things. bad memories from the small wild kinderkin, and also my mother. i do not know if i should really call the kinderkin children, but either way we have a bond, the ell bloodline. these memories are awful, disgusting things. not all of them are things which happened, i think some are things that the little wild ells believed would happen, like if you don't do this then this other thing will happen. that sort of thing. but the ones that did happen i am also dreaming and they are terrible. i need to put them from my head. perhaps here is not the place, but i do not know where else i could turn.

they gave me one memory where the father put a knife in ells hand and he took her from behind after doing this. and as he did this he called over the pet dog and he put his hand over ells hand and the knife. then he put it into the dog, the knife in the dog, and it did not bleed much. but then he did it again and a third time and there was a lot of blood. the perspective of the memory changed, and i saw all the blood, just so much. oozing with the pulse that got weaker. i felt it dying. and it died in a really horrible way.

then this morning i had a waking dream, i think it is called a flashback, where the dog was rotten and still beneath the trees by the waterfall. he took ell again, but not from behind this time. the dog smelled. the acrid smell of flesh and rotting on a hot day that suffocates the breath. it hurt to be taken, it feels so heavy but not just from the heat, the kind of heavy from too great a weight on too small a frame. it was gross and this time he did not make it beautiful in the way that the pain was good and served a purpose to the religion. this time it was only lust and anger. it hurt so much, i can feel the hurt, and the smell makes me sick, and there were maggots. and i see our hand pull the maggots from the hair afterward.

these are hard to see but it is worse that my mother and the ells and the kinderkin lived these things and to her they are not terrible. to some degree i think she understands some of that. it was bad, and maybe even a few of these times she knows are bad even in her heart. but she can not feel how awful they were mostly, and certainly can not see that they were awful to her and everyone who was there inside. i suppose because this person she loved and trusted (the father) said the things were not awful at all. and you know, that is how it works when you are very small. i dont think ell or my mother realize these things were supposed to be awful for her. i doubt she ever will. i guess that is okay, but when i dream about this and see this and to me it is awful, my mother looks at me as though i am weeping over a split cup of juice. she doesn't understand why it aches. and it does ache. it hurts for me and her.

but then i know i am ell, i am the knife, and the sacrifice. that i am ell and was born in blood. that i am ell and daughter to a priestess and one day when magdella is no longer, i will be a'Lilit. the dagger will be mine and i will feel the blade inside me and daily have to pierce my hands in atonement.

i feel the world is bad and hopeless. disgusting. there are too many physically disgusting things. i tire of these hands, blood, and knives. it is confusing to see the things because at once i am two views of it. i am the daughter of the priestess and i am the hurt little kid about it. -rochelle

Hey Shell.

Ell is wack, but I have to give Aunt Mags and Aunt Ellyn props for acting on what they believe in, even when it is some demented, f*cked up garbage. Food for thought: maybe Ell can’t shake his "world view" as it being "love" and "religion" because when that crazy f*cking stuff hit the fan, Ell couldn’t risk thinking twice about it. She had to act without knowing what the sh*t was happening, because if she did question it, she sure as sh*t would have been hurt worse. Yep. We think Mags, Ellyn, and Arella's belief that he was some Supernatural Magus Wizard or whatever makes his abuse really not seem like abuse. Because if he really was a Magus Wizard Priest Demigod or something AND his rituals were for that religion AND that religion wasn’t actually the sick fetid bullsh*t of an un-medicated schizophrenic sadist, then it wouldn’t have been abuse in the first place. By believing his religion, they will never have to think they were victim to anything. His actions were rituals to connect with the gods, nothing more or less. Like Linn hugging vegetables and talking to Green Man.

On the other hand, loving and beliving in the father as something beyond human is probably why Mags abuses and attacks and sometimes slaughters the kinderkin.

And it f*cking sucks you have to be part of that. What does Ellyn say about this? You can't feel the way you do right now and be the next a'Lilit... *hugs*

Anyway, we love you cuz. Even if your mum and aunts are sociopathic! Ha ha ha. Come visit the camp, we’ll take a ride to see Linn and make her give us that yummy home brewed ginger ale.

Hello rochelle. I'm so sorry you're having to experience all these memories and feelings. I'm glad there is someone else inside to support you. I think you and Cleo (is that right?) are both right about why your mother and others who experienced these things don't feel the same way about them. That they had to see it as 'not abuse' or 'not so bad' in order to cope. I think a lot of people do the same, but it's hard on the parts who have to hold or experience those emotions, and it must be lonely. I just wanted to let you know I read your post and was listening.

My daughter,
You say the once beloved abused the flesh, but you were not there. You could not know. Still, you see some things with clarity, just now. I have not once acted that to be a’Lilit is to operate in the light or with what one might call a moral compass (in accordance to the light). You have experienced this twice yourself by the a'Lilit hands, and now you see it again through the memories of a'Lilit herself, myself, and the kinderkin. Perhaps you are angry with me or appalled. It is all right, in many ways I could expect nothing but. Yet the look in your eyes when you stormed from the Temple was very much of your father at his cruelest. I find myself wondering if this is an echo of my once beloved, to feel his touch in your gaze. Because you are incapable to flee far reaches, I feel some of what you feel. You are not so incomprehensible, but you would not speak thus of me.

I wrote some moons ago in the journal that your brother is an heir without inheritance. But today, he passed by me, come to see if I was all right, on his way to see you. I realize he has not lost all inheritance, he oversees the empire of the once lover’s family: Ell. What he will do with this, I am uncertain. Your destiny, Rochelle, is to inherit the rites of priestess, to reign a’Lilit. This is written in stone.

You feel troubled, and for this I despair.
Ellyn