Scared to Talk to Partner

by **lifelongthing** » Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:33 am

Do you have any clue if your partner might be dissociative as well (not meaning DID or DDNOS but dissociative any-which-way)? Many of us here find we have DID-dar (or dissociative-dar so to speak) and that we have several people in our lives who are somewhere on the dissociative spectrum because subconsciously we've been attracted to people "like us". I'm thinking if your partner has 2 partners (you and her mistress) that maybe she just picks up on that.

I get that you're scared to talk to your partner, I'm glad she seems to have come around a bit but it's still problematic that her mistress is thinking you're faking this. I get that she feels that way (having met someone who faked DID because she thought "we got too much attention" - she has since stopped doing that, thankfully) but if you are comfortable with sharing with her some of your experiences you might find that she will come around eventually.

I'm not sure what to say except it's hard with 1 partner, and the more partners the more complicated it gets. And with DID there's lots of partners to begin with :roll:

This reply probably doesn't help at all but know you've been heard at least..

I do find that she very well may be, though it would class less under 'dissociative disorder' than 'dissociative symptoms,' from what I can tell. I will admit, though, that I am no doctor.

The talk went...interestingly, I suppose. He seems to accept our existences, but not to believe in us - as it were. I am confused as to how he would manage to hold both statements at the same time; it seems so very illogical to me.

He told his partner of a limit, though, as usual, he fumbled his way through it, and not long after that limit was crossed (he is triggered by the sound or sight of people having sex). He left the room, tried to ignore what was going on, and when the sounds continued, he came back out only to see his partner and her Mistress naked, and then stormed out. He came back not long later, and they were getting dressed, and he lost his temper - whereupon he decided that self-harm was the best issue. I suppose I was not helping in this regard; I was feeding him my anger.

He is oh-so-very apologetic, and his partner thinks he is manipulating her. I think that this is very probably true, as anyone with half a brain ought to manipulate those around them, only he's doing a remarkably poor job of it if he's being caught.

He asked her to stay the night, and she told him she was leaving. I suppose

Do you have any idea how hard it is to focus with your emotions clogging up everything? Get out, now, and let me continue with my work. LEAVE.

Much better. I suppose I am still high from...marijuana. I despise the stuff; I wish he would not smoke it.

I suppose he ended up too upset to stay around, so I came forward. I wished her a good night, bade her comfort, and let her leave.

Now, I'm rather bored. I suppose I may just go to sleep.

And, Edward, for when you read this: no, I am not kidding about ruining you. Wake up.

Raine

by **tomboy24** » Sat Oct 06, 2012 5:19 am

Alethezeia wrote:He seems to accept our existences, but not to believe in us - as it were. I am confused as to how he would manage to hold both statements at the same time; it seems so very illogical to me.

It is illogical, but understandable if you know anything about denial and defensive mechanisms when someone is faced with an overwhelming truth that they probably do not want to see/hear/know.

Alethezeia wrote:I think that this is very probably true, as anyone with half a brain ought to manipulate those around them, only he's doing a remarkably poor job of it if he's being caught.

You are fortunate to have chosen an alternative spelling for your name. Manipulation is disgraceful, damaging, and unnecessary. I do hope your name is spoken in an alternative way as well, for the very knowledge that someone like you could possibly share a name similar to mine is quite maddening.

~Rain

I have to apologize, I'm sorry. She won't let me delete it like I want to, but know that we don't mean to offend or hurt anyone. :oops:

We're...not really ourselves tonight. :oops:

Usually Rain isn't like this, so again, I'm so very very sorry. Please don't take what she said to heart.... I wanted to reply to this thread but not like this...not like this... :oops:

I wanted to help. And I hope to help later when I'm in a better mindset to answer...
And please don't get the wrong impression of Rain... She may have strong opinions on stuff like manipulation, but she doesn't usually express them like this or start a confrontation or look to hurt anyone. Like I said, we're not ourselves tonight... Please understand.... :oops:

by **tomboy24** » Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:03 am

Alethezeia wrote:She thinks I'm faking this.

And I'm scared, because I don't think I am.

And now I don't want to talk to her anymore, not about this, not until I get into therapy. Not until I have someone who can help me get everything straight.

I'm upset because Raine was really #######5 to one of my oldest friends, and they ended up being really pissy at me afterwards and blamed me for it all. And I can't handle this. I'm scared and I want to disappear but I don't want someone coming forward now, not with my partner coming home soon. She doesn't need to deal with this.

I'm walking to a nearby counseling centre tomorrow. They work primarily with LGBTQ persons (which is wonderful, as a non-binary lesbianish-type), and they're only five minutes away and they accept my insurance. I was trying some other routes that were recommended, but that's not working in my favour.

Sigh.

She thinks I'm faking because her other partner has DID, and apparently, they are telling her that I am faking (through what she has told them, not much in the way of our experience with them). So now I'm scared to trust them. I feel like I'm faking a lot, but being told I'm faking makes me feel really hurt and really angry and makes me want to lash out at them.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not the helpful type, so listen up and don't get your panties in a bunch over any little sh*t I might say, k?

Let me get this straight, so there's no f*#king confusion. You have a partner, who may have dissociative symptoms. And your partner has a mistress, who has DID and believes you are faking your DID, right? Ohhh man, what a cluster f*#k we got here. (Firstly, sorry you don't like it R- I'm going to call you R 'cause it's too f*#king weird to call you...Raine...No offense. But Edward- good for you for smoking it up anyway. That stuff helps us a sh*t ton more than it could ever possibly f*#king harm, and I bet it helps you too. Even though we got alters who don't like us smoking it, they can't deny that it has helpful benefits).

Alrighty then. Let's get this party started.

You're not f*#king faking it, and don't let ANYONE convince you or try to tell you otherwise. They're not you, they don't know what goes on with you or in your head, they can't f*#king understand or know you like you do, so don't listen to their idiotic babbling. Stand up for yourself, for what you seem to f*#king accept, and actually start acting like you accept it. STAY STRONG. You know you're always heard here. Feeling like you're faking it, then having those emotional responses when someone else tells you you're faking it should give you a f*#king hint. YOU'RE NOT FAKING IT. Otherwise, you wouldn't have any strong emotional response that's out of your control. K?

If you wanna put this sh*t on hold until you get a T (aka therapist), then talk to your partner about it. Tell them that you don't want to go into it anymore until you've got help. Let them know that you want to hash this sh*t out, just not right now and not without some help. Tell them you just wanna take a break from this, take a step back, and go slow so that sh*t doesn't get tangled up or so that mistakes aren't made, so that judgments aren't made, etc.

I'm not telling you to leave your partner, but if they can't "deal" with you, then what's the point? A partner's supposed to be there for you, through good sh*t and bad sh*t. You're supposed to help each other and be glad that you have each other, that you can be there for each other. Not feeling like you have to "deal" with each other. Or maybe you just assume they don't deserve to "deal" with you? Maybe you should try letting them "deal" with you, all of you, to see if they're really right for this kind of relationship. Again, not saying to leave them, or that they're bad for you, or any of that. Just saying that maybe it's time to test the waters and start showing all of you. It's not healthy to censor yourself. Trust me.... We still try that and every time it blows up in our faces. (You'd think we'd f*#king learn, but whatever...)

As far as this f*#king mistress goes, why don't you have a talk with her yourself and see if you can get some sh*t straight between you? H3ll, if it were me, I'd f*#king let loose on her and let her see everyone for herself. If she still calls you a liar, then she's not f*#king worth your time or energy, and I'd focus on your partner. How can your partner be so easily corrupted by this mistress? How can they trust their mistress over you? That seems a bit f*#ked up to me, and you might want to ask your partner that same question. And again, maybe try letting loose a bit. Let your partner see the truth for themselves. If they still think you're faking, then at least you know you've done all you can do and tried all you can try. Better to know that you gave it your all than to hold back and regret it. If you don't want to scare your partner, maybe try writing notes in different handwriting? Or letting them read some posts of your's on here? Or even just switching to one, so that they can see the difference for themselves? Something needs to be done to open their f*#king eyes, and if none of that sh*t works, I don't know what will.

At the very least, can you tell this mistress person to shut the f*#k up until you get a T and possibly a diagnosis? Let them know that you're actually doing something to figure this sh*t out and you're not just playing around for fun? Maybe this is just something you will have to not bring up anymore to either person until you get a diagnosis that you can shove in their f*#king dumb@$$ faces (no offense meant, people who think DID people are faking tend to p*ss me off).

Good for you for finding a center that might work. Hope it works out well and sh*t. And if it doesn't, don't give up. It can be hard and really sh*tty, but once you find a place/T that works for you, it'll be f*#king worth it.

As far as the self-harm sh*t... Not worth it. Not f*#king worth it. L.C. and Luna used to cut, and I used to use it as a punishment tactic. It's not worth it. I'm not the best with words, but since it's coming from a former cutter, I'd hope it'd hold some f*#king worth since we've been there, done that. (Including with relationship sh*t. I look at the scars and think about how much has changed, how the people who the scars were "for" aren't even f*#king around us anymore- not by fault of our's, by the way-, and how it seemed worth it then but I can't f*#king see how it was worth it now).

Oh, and if that's triggering to you, tell them and remind them that you don't like it, and that you'd like it if you weren't exposed to that. If they don't listen, tell them to f*#k off, or leave for the night/day not just a few minutes, or something. You don't deserve to be f*#king ignored like that. It's just f*#king disrespectful.

I know it must seem like your world's falling apart right now. I've had my world seem like it was doing that many f*#king times. Trust me- it might seem like it now, but it's really not. Hang in there, stay strong, and remember- life goes on no matter what, and you'll be able to go on too. You might not f*#king feel like it or think so now, I know, but it's true. Keep fighting, keep getting up, keep going until you hear that bell ring even if you can't throw any more punches- you'll be surprise to find that if you make it to that bell, you'll have won.

-KAT

by **Alethezeia** » Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:03 am

TRIGGERWARNING FOR SELF HARMI try not to cut. It's too...visible later on. I punch, instead. The bruises fade, you see, but the scars tend to stick around...forever. END TRIGGER WARNING.

None of what you said really matters. I appreciate your taking the time to say it, and I rather like your style. I ended up in the psychiatric ward last night, ready to die because everything was so overwhelming. They discharged me instead.

My partner left me a few days ago. She thinks I'm lying...that I'm manipulating her. I feel so many conflicting feelings and I'm hurtnig all the time. She thinks I'm lying. She thinks I'm not suicidal because I'm not actively trying to kill myself, and instead I just think about how much better off everyone would be if I were dead. She told me to go to the hospital if I thought I was going to kill myself. I did. She says I did it to manipulate her...I don't understand.

I'm not trying to manipulate anyone...I'm just hurting, and I'm trying to express that pain...I'm trying to get the help I so desperately need.

She threw me out today.

Jenny is losing it. I'm so...so so so very hurt for her. She was screaming and crying earlier, after being quiet for days. I couldn't reach her. I was trying to talk to her...I asked her what she wanted, and all she said was "I want to not be afraid anymore." that was days ago. Today, as I was packing, she just started crying "I don't want Miss Amy to leave" over and over again, and I was sobbing and telling her I know, that it's okay. It's not, but what can I tell her? She's hurting more than I am.

-Edward/Unicorn

by **tomboy24** » Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:50 am

**Trigger Warning: talk of hospitals, relationships, suicide**

F*#k hospitals with psych wards. Their main concern is the hospital, they don't give a sh*t about people in the psych ward. Least, that's what I've experienced. If you're gonna go somewhere, go somewhere that's specifically for psychiatric care or something. Sh*t, even call a hotline or something.

As far as your partner is concerned, I know it sucks complete @$$ and I know it hurts a sh*t ton, but if they're dead-set in their belief that you're manipulating them and they can't open their f*#king eyes to see the truth, then to me, you're better off without them. You might not feel that way at first, I know, and you might not think so at first, but when someone believes you're manipulating them when you're not, that's an unhealthy relationship.

I know you might feel like this sh*t's worth dying over now, but it's not. Trust me. Life is bigger than any relationship you could ever have. I refuse to live for someone, there's no point in it. I live for myself, and if I'm lucky enough to find someone to share my life with, then awesome. If not, that's cool too. You can't lean on other people, you can't be dependent on someone else. It rarely works out when you are. You gotta learn and know how to stand on your own, no matter who comes and goes. That doesn't mean you won't have tough times, it doesn't mean you won't be hurt, and it doesn't mean it's easy. But it's healthier to not tie the entire worth of living to one person. Because when push comes to shove, and sh*t hits the fan, the only one you can really depend on in yourself. It's a cold, hard f*#king truth, but it is a truth. If you depend on someone else too much, you're allowing them to control you in a sense, and that's unhealthy.

From what you've said here, your partner doesn't sound like they're someone that can be understood. They sound contradicting and hypocrite-ative (don't care that that's not a word). Not saying they're a bad person, just saying to not waste your energy trying to understand them. Want my honest opinion? You both needed some therapy before getting together. Both of you seem like you need to get some personal sh*t straight before you tried being together. At least you're actually taking some f*#king steps to do so, and good for you for doing that.

You have a lot more to live for besides a certain person, or a certain relationship, or anything like that. Might not feel like it, but you do. At the very least, know this- suicide is a very selfish thing to do. (Not trying to say you're selfish, it took L.C. and Luna a couple tries before they realized this truth). It's not fair even to strangers who have to find you, or try to save you, or any sh*t like that. And at the very very f*#king least- don't do it 'cause we don't want you to. Yeah, we might only know you through here, and yeah, we don't really KNOW know you, but we still don't want you to do it. Not even me, and I never f*#king say sh*t like this, so you better take it to heart.

As far as Jenny goes.... you can tell her it WILL BE ok. Because it will be. If you let it be, it will always be ok. Might not be now, but you'll move past this and it will become ok. And...f*#k....I kinda know her pain. (Keyword: kinda)

Cassandra has an ex that I still...love. His name's Darren. He's within arm's f*#king reach, too. He was my choice, and I had to watch him walk away because Cassandra refused to follow him (he lives in a different state, but our grandma lives in the same state and had already offered to have us live with her so that we could go to college easier). Cassandra's still dating her current boyfriend, Mike. Who I was dating too, but that's only because I found out he wasn't a bad guy to be "stuck" with, you know? Darren was my choice and still is. And now that we're vacationing with her grandma, I have a chance to see him. F*#k, I even have another chance to stay here. But I still have to f*#king watch him walk away, watch what I want walk away, because it's a fight I won't win. Mike's dating not only Cassandra, but Rain, Ray, and somewhat L.C. as well (she's a lesbian, but was bi when they started dating. They're still technically together, because she still likes him, they just don't do anything sexual). Not only that, but everyone else would hate living here.
I used to think that, because of the violent, abusive alter I used to be, Darren was like everyone else and thought of me as just a problem to get rid of or something. But he told me recently that he didn't only love Cassandra, he loved me as well. I started to realize all the sh*t I'd never have with Darren that Cassandra gets to have with Mike and...the, I guess, heartbreak, felt fresh all over again. I....f*#k....I cried for over 5 hours. I never cry. It still hurts now, and I know it'll hurt for a while. But I also know that if I let myself, I can let him go eventually and everything will be ok. I might not like it at first, but I just gotta keep pushing forward. Jenny's going to have to do the same. But I didn't spill my f*#king guts like some sissy for nothing. She needs to know she's not the only one who's felt pain like this, and she's not alone in what she's going through or how she feels. Sometimes when you're hurting that much, the only thing that helps is knowing you're not alone.

-KAT

by **Alethezeia** » Sun Oct 07, 2012 2:58 am

TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE I wouldn't kill myself over her. It's not worth it.

I'd kill myself because I'm tired of being homeless, and so poor I can't eat. I'd kill myself so that I can stop living on people's couches and taking up THEIR time and energy.

But I can't do that. I have...songs I need to record before I can die. I'm not allowed to die until then.

I'm trying to get help. I'm trying to get to a place where I have a place to live. Where I can survive, and know that, with high certainty, I'll have a place to live, a place to eat, a place to be safe.

Something that I've never really had.

...I just hate that I'm so broken, I can't even work. If I'm not depressed, I'm anxious. I'm in physical pain all the time, I'm unable to focus. It's hard just to feed myself and keep myself bathed when I have a place where I can stay, just because I feel like I'm shutting down all the time. Life is so...so, so, so very hard.

-Edward/Unicorn

by **tomboy24** » Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:30 am

Life is definitely some tough sh*t, man. Tougher for some, like you, than others, obviously, and that sucks, but you gotta do what you can with the card you were dealt.

I don't know where you're at, but where we are, there's programs to help struggling people. Be it homeless, unable to hold a job, poor, etc. Maybe see if you can find some through that therapy center you found? At the very least, are there shelters you can stay at for now? Places like Churches where you can get free meals? Take whatever you can find- your health is important sh*t.

As far as takin' up peoples time and energy- sh*t, I'd let you crash on our couch long as you needed. You're not worthless or a waste of space or any sh*t like that. You're actually f*#king trying, and at the very least, you actually f*#king care and aren't just being a d@mn leech or something, you're just struggling. That's worth a place on my couch for an indefinite amount of time any f*#king day (and I'm not exactly the charitable type so...yeah).

It sucks @$$ that sh*t's so hard for you. If I could, I do more than just sit here and type away in attempts to help you out. Just try to keep going, man. Storms don't last forever. They can last a f*#king long time, but not forever. Long as you don't let that f*#king storm overtake you, you'll see the sun again one day.

-KAT

by **Alethezeia** » Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:53 am

I've got food stamps, so thankfully food isn't much of an issue. I've got a small stockpile of protein/energy bars (Clif Bars - they're pretty good as far as these things go) in my pack for when I'm moving around, and there's good places to eat in the area. I think the only junk food I really eat is ice cream, and that's a weakness of mine.

I've been talking with my partner, whose apparently angry and hurt with me - justifiably so - and is uncomfortable with my staying here. Raine ended up pointing out, far pithier than I could have, that, well - here, you can read it.

E: Someone's told me we oughtn't discuss things for a week, and let things our emotions cool down. Someone whose opinion I trust quite a bit.

A: Fine, we don't have to hash things out about "us", but there are some things that do need to be discussed.
Because they can't wait for a week

E: Alright. Such as?

A: Housing. I would rather you be staying somewhere else

E: Do you realise what that means, though?

A: What?

E: Do you realise how hard that makes the entirety of my life?

How much of my energy has to be devoted to finding a place to sleep every night?

I'm TRYING to find housing. That's what a big part of tomorrow's counseling appt is about. Getting me into somewhere where I can live.

You invited me to live with you, and I took it. I've avoided coming to Seattle for the last year because, no matter how badly I've wanted to live here, I did not want to subject my friends to endless couch-surfing.

I CAN'T do that anymore. It's horrible. I'm doing my best to find alternate housing.

There's posts on tumblr and facebook about it. I'm doing what I can. Trust me, I don't want to be here either. I don't feel welcome here at all anymore. Even N doesn't feel comfortable with me here, and that ######6 hurts, too.

A: I am letting you stay there because you have nowhere to go. However, have you realized how this makes me feel? Have you tried to see if you can stay with L?

E: I don't even KNOW L. I've talked to her once
But, please, tell me how it makes you feel.

A: And if you talked to her a second time she would doubtlessly offer you a place to sleep.

E: So I should talk to her, arrange things, get my pack back on my shoulders and walk across town again, then?

when my therapy appointment first thing in the morning is a five minute walk from right here?

I am so ######6 tired of living like this. My back is aching from sleeping on couches and lugging that ######6 duffel bag around, and you want me to go deal with that some more. I'm so ######6 overwhelmed. I had to go stay with D and watch her pretend that she was okay with it, even though she wanted me gone.

A: Stay at my place tonight, it's too late to work something out tonight

L is a wonderfully kind person. She would drive you to/from anywhere you need to go.

You could have at least pretended to be sympathetic to the situation I am in.

I don't owe you anything, Unicorn, and I'm helping you anyways.

You need to leave tomorrow. I will no longer subject myself to this.

R: I am well aware you owe me nothing. The fact we are here at present boggles my mind.
It was poor planning on his part.
Yet, might I point out that your situation - i.e., one wherein you have a home, a job, savings, and a partner, is, perhaps, more comfortable than the one you leave him/us in?

She ended up calling him up, telling him that he's trying to manipulate her via guilt. He told her that he is making clear the difference between her situation and mine, and if that is manipulation in her eyes, then so be it. He also told her that she is largely to blame for this situation of being homeless, and that all we are asking for is a place to sleep while we tap into the resources we need to survive. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm...so shocked, because he was angry, but he kept his cool far better than I could have.

She refuses to accept that she is to blame in any way for my being homeless after she told me to get out of her apartment, though.

I see what she means by 'manipulation,' though. Apparently, telling someone that you're hurt or have a need is manipulation. It makes a lot of sense why she continually thinks I'm manipulating her, when, if anything, I'm saying what I want and what I need like a rational ######6 human being and she interprets my saying "I am uncomfortable when [x] happens" as manipulation.

I don't even want to be with her anymore. I just want a place to sleep, a place that she gave me and then took away again.

###$.

-Unicorn

by **tomboy24** » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:06 pm

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time, and that your place to sleep was taken away from you. However, it is clear to me that your partner was immensely mistaken on manipulation versus simple expressions of your pain, your needs, and your attempts to get better. Though I am glad that you are able to have food at the very least, and I am also glad that you have found a center to try going to. I certainly hope that works out well for you. Definitely ask them about any programs they have that may be helpful to you.

As far as sleeping quarters, are there any shelters you can go to? I understand they may not be ideal, but they are better than the street itself. Although you do not even know Lonness, she may be an option you might want to explore. I understand it may be awkward and you may dislike it, but it would be better than nothing.

I noticed you mentioned "Seattle". We are not in the same area, but if you ever find yourself in OR., feel free to PM us. Depending on what area you find yourself in, we may be able to help you.

~Rain

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