Family.....Possible trigger.....

So my husband has been diagnosed he has DID with schizophrenic symptoms. I know this might be a trigger for some because your family has done wrong by you, but is there a chance that they may be supportive?

His family seems to keep denying that he has anything wrong with him. So they would talk to me in front of my Husband and he would give me the go ahead to let them know what is going on, then turn around and talk to him by himself telling him that he doesn't have any problems but that I am the problem.

I know they cannot fathom that my husband and I are very close and tell each other everything. Hence the reason why I get to see the whole him.

Is it because he never trusted them enough to show his others and hid all his symptoms why they cannot believe it?

Oh and off the wall question *Trigger*
My husband also has this recurring dream of being strangled as a baby, could this of actually happened? He told me that he almost died as a baby from seizures and that his grandparents have disowned his parents since then.

With most DID cases ("most" being the key word), the family either knew of the abuse and chose not to stop it, or thought they couldn't stop it (which a child can usually not understand), or they were the cause of the abuse. Almost always the abusers will deny anything is wrong, with the person with DID, with how they treated and/or raised the person with DID, etc. They will deny everything and anything, and will try to blame something or someone else (a significant other, their own abusive past, alcoholism, even the person that was abused saying they provoked it, the list goes on).

Sometimes, abuse happens inside one part of the family without the other part knowing about it (like grandparents abusing grandchildren without the parents knowing), but usually this does not cause the family to deny possibilities that something may be "wrong" or deny things their child was diagnosed with, or anything like that. Sometimes, abuse happens outside of the family that they don't know about, but again, usually this does not cause the family to be difficult after having been informed of diagnoses and such.

Just from what you've said, it seems as though your husband's family is in denial either because they knew about the abuse or they caused the abuse. Of course, I could be wrong, but that's how it seems to me.


Trust has very little to do with exposing your symptoms and alters, and often times it's not in the person's control to hide their symptoms or alters. I trust my dad with my life, but he doesn't know diddly-squat about my DID. Safety is key with letting down subconscious walls built to hide symptoms and alters from unsafe people/environments. That's the whole point of DID- to survive trauma while seemingly being "normal" and "ok"; so alters and systems are pretty much meant to hide, especially from the abusers and any people they view as unsafe. Your husband feels safe with you, thus he doesn't care if symptoms show or if alters come out. Your husband obviously does not feel safe enough around his parents to "let" any symptoms or alters show (meaning his alters/system would be on high-alert working to stay hidden).

Yes, it can be difficult to believe a person has DID if you've never seen any symptoms or alters, but usually people are a bit more inclined to believe it with a formal diagnosis and if it's being told to you by someone you trust (such as a person sharing their DID with a close friend). Not only that, but in this case, it's their son. To not believe their son and try to point the finger at you greatly suggests that their denial is due to other reasons instead of simply not seeing = not believing.


This dream definitely could've actually happened. I've read about other peoples' abuse coming to them in dreams (usually on this site, actually), especially if the abuse happened at a very early age (some people have had dreams from being basically a newborn!). I think it's because it's hard to retain memories from such young ages, so they surface "better" or something in dreams, but that's just a guess of mine. I'd advise your husband to write down or record what he dreams in some way, to look at further in therapy.
The fact that he almost died from seizures and that his grandparents went so far as to disown his parents suggest to me that the parents were the cause of the abuse, either through neglect (ignoring the seizures) or active abuse (such as being strangled). Is it possible to get in contact with them? I would definitely try to find out more about this disowning situation, as it might be a huge puzzle piece to your husband's trauma and past.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. That was so much help. It really does make sense in the aspect that you explained. I noticed the differences early in our relationship, he seems to have a quiet empty shell around his family. He hardly talks and never makes eye contact with them. The only alter that he told me that has ever surfaced with his family is his "Anger Monster" the one that protects him at all costs. But the empty shell that I have seen is really an empty shell, eyes glazed over, speaks in one worded sentences and tends to stick near me at all times.

The fact that he trusts me and he feels safe with me makes feel better because at times it seems that he hurts more now then when he didn't show me. I think it's because they are finally able to start to deal with what has happened. The worst part of this is knowing that he hurts so much but most of the time he just doesn't fully know why.

And he confessed that I am the only one that knows what has ever happened to him before ever being hospitalized. And with each time he is there I remind him to be completely honest and so far he has been with each situation. Which helped accelerate a diagnosis.

I would contact his grandparents but the ones that dealt with the situation, one passed away and the other is distant and has a tendency to self medicate since her partners death with alcohol.

I wholly agree with Cassandra on this one. I have very little to add except in regards to this:

Oh and off the wall question *Trigger*
My husband also has this recurring dream of being strangled as a baby, could this of actually happened? He told me that he almost died as a baby from seizures and that his grandparents have disowned his parents since then.

**trigger warning**
That is completely possible. I have had several traumas revealed to me first in dreams, then by other alters. And even down into infancy.. I've had lucid dreams several times, seeing myself as a baby and how I was treated etc. I even still remember a dream I had in infancy of abuse by the mother (probably what caused the split). Meaning I dreamed that at such an early age - and it was profound enough for me to still remember to this day; everything, including waking. I remember a few other dreams from age 2-5 as well. Dreams can be very important to a person, especially with DID, because you might learn a lot about yourself when some of those dissociative barriers are down for the night..

Best of luck to you and your Husband!

From what you said (I'm no oracle or anything just speaking from our own experiences) I assume either his family a) caused the abuse, b) knew of it but did not stop it, or c) can not bare to believe any trauma occurred so they chose to deny reality. seems to me a caring parent would be more... Accepting? Upset at the abuse? Shocked? Instead of just putting up a wall of "hell to the no! That never happened." and with the whole grandparent to parental disapproval thing, well. Smells a bit fishy to me. Maybe even more fishy than a tuna can packaging plant.

DID is at first a survival mechanism- for us, A, B, and C dealt with experience X and Y, so that D and E could function doing L and M, and nobody outside would be the wiser (whoa that was some alphabet soup). We don't have a front person, but we try damn hard to keep face as one most of the time, and especially with people it's unsafe to admit our multiplicity to. There's a lot of energy put into "does me saying this conflict with something previously said by someone else?" and this alert is REALLY HIGH around the family.

As per early memories, yes. The Ells have traumatic memories reaching back to the body's infancy, when the abusive $#%^ began. According to them, they relive these mostly as night terrors and bodily sensations. Flashbacks too, but not so often as the 2+ memories. It is definitely possible that he is remembering a factual event.

Best of luck to your hubby on this path.

Your husband's family sounds dysfunctional in some of the ways that mine is.

In my family of origin I was expected to maintain a calm demeanor at all times, neither too up or too down. And that is precisely my role as host: equanimity, poise, helpfulness, and unemotional agreeableness at all times. My insiders certainly do not reveal themselves to my family: those emotional parts of me are not welcome in my family. That pretty much explains why I have DID. As a child I learned to use dissociation to split off and conceal inside the parts of myself that were not acceptable to my parents. Around my family most of the time I am almost blank: emotionally numb and often mentally absent.

If I told them something is wrong with me psychologically and I am in therapy, they might tell me to my face it is all fantasy, or they might pretend to accept what I say but behind my back tell others it is all fantasy. Either way, I would be seen as defective, weak, and malingering. That is how they see other people (relatives, family friends), and how they behave. My parents seem to have unconditional regard for my siblings and one couple they are close to, but freely share with me the hate and contempt they feel about almost everyone else they supposedly care for. So generally I tell them nothing.

They practice a lot of denial about themselves, to such an extent that their house is physically unsafe.

I hope my sharing this with you will help you to visualize the very painful subjective experience that your husband has of his family.

dead on... wicked stepmother saw stuff happen... it was us the whore who was bad... can't have emotions... or else... yelling... no more drama queen fantasies... bitch... saw it didn't you... she didn't mean whore in the ell faith way either... whatever... anyway... bio mom got us later... those brain doc white coats told her straight up bout being multiple which stacked up facts bout abuse... why she got custody... all that junk... that lady slapped down the name... said no... he's schizophrenic... liar liar manipulative liar... ok then... have fun with your guilt aversion... if we showed any sign of multiple $#%^... psych ward threats... violent #######4... teasing whatever... so... bad parents deny deny deny deny it all... ignore the fire... retire to denial... while we're in hellfire... just wearing that goddamn plastic face... get thru another day... yeah... call it a conspiracy so you won't feel so ######6 guilty... us just being invisible... all that $#%^... no alternatives around hurtful people... standing gaurd... -ell

Una+ wrote:If I told them something is wrong with me psychologically and I am in therapy, they might tell me to my face it is all fantasy, or they might pretend to accept what I say but behind my back tell others it is all fantasy. Either way, I would be seen as defective, weak, and malingering. That is how they see other people (relatives, family friends), and how they behave. My parents seem to have unconditional regard for my siblings and one couple they are close to, but freely share with me the hate and contempt they feel about almost everyone else they supposedly care for. So generally I tell them nothing.

That is exactly how his family is. Not to mention they lie about everything.

-- Fri Sep 28, 2012 4:29 pm --

galaxies wrote:dead on... wicked stepmother saw stuff happen... it was us the whore who was bad... can't have emotions... or else... yelling... no more drama queen fantasies... bitch... saw it didn't you... she didn't mean whore in the ell faith way either... whatever... anyway... bio mom got us later... those brain doc white coats told her straight up bout being multiple which stacked up facts bout abuse... why she got custody... all that junk... that lady slapped down the name... said no... he's schizophrenic... liar liar manipulative liar... ok then... have fun with your guilt aversion... if we showed any sign of multiple $#%^... psych ward threats... violent #######4... teasing whatever... so... bad parents deny deny deny deny it all... ignore the fire... retire to denial... while we're in hellfire... just wearing that goddamn plastic face... get thru another day... yeah... call it a conspiracy so you won't feel so ######6 guilty... us just being invisible... all that $#%^... no alternatives around hurtful people... standing gaurd... -ell

Ell thank you. I really understand your stand point I feel the need to yell curse words at them all the time myself but hold back because the drama is not worth it. I think his family thinks he is doing this to get attention. I am glad your real mom got custody and from what your saying and the others were just trying to make it all your fault and it's not. It's not his fault either. Thank you for being so blunt too, I truly like the honesty.

The more I read this thread, the more I get the feeling that your husband's family is one of the main causes for his DID.

I honestly would not be surprised if they had something to do with it. Often times, nobody really wants to talk about abuse. May it be abuse that's going on in the family, or abuse that has happened to themselves over a period of time. Society has taught us that abuse is just a taboo subject. It's too painful to imagine happening. Especially if the victim is a child- which we in society view as pure and should always be protected. To even think that an adult is breaking this taboo by harming a child can be sickening. Even in prisons, they have to keep the child molesters away from the other prisoners because they can become victims of assault, rape, and murder.

Often times, abusers will refuse to accept the truth that they did harm a person to an other individual, much less to the victim's loved ones. This, I believe is for control, and to install fear into the victim.

Abuse is just a very complex problem. And I honestly believe that the view society has for abuse, even though it is improving, it still not enough. We need to say that it's alright to talk about abuse normally. Abuse is never the victim's fault, even though many times the victim does feel that they are to blame. Abuse is something that is VERY ugly... Too ugly for most people to want to look at. But we as humans, must look at it's hideous eyes and realize that in order to prevent abuse, we must talk about it. In order to heal, we must accept it, and release the emotions that it brings, such as confusion, anger, rage, disgust, pain, hate, betrayal... Everything.