Hi, I'm really new and have a few questions

Hi,

I've been kind of lurking for a few days before getting an account and I thought I'd just jump right in. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder fairly young, went through emotional and physical abuse at the hands of...more people than I care to admit. Anyway, I have recently been in therapy (again) and have been doing DBT and discussing my dissociation. I'm...99.5% sure I'm not the only one in my head. I lose time, I'm missing a whole year of my life when I was hospitalized. Other people have talked to my friends. I feel like sometimes I can see but I'm not the one saying words. But when I read about DID, no one sounds exactly like how I experience it. I don't black out every time or even that often, I generally remember what happens--it's just that I didn't have control over it and it's very fuzzy...like it happened a long time ago. I can't talk to anyone else about this because my friends think it's weird and my mother just cries.

My therapist seems to agree that I'm not completely together based on what I've told her but is pushing integration very heavily...she even told me that she split once and is now integrated. That scares me. She just keeps telling me I'm one person and I don't feel that way. I feel like she's pressing me to be all in one and I'm not there yet. I'm missing a whole year of my life! The few memories I have from then are so fuzzy that I can barely make out shapes.

Does this sound like something any of you have experienced? I'd just like confirmation that someone else experiences this like I do and that I'm not weird. Everyone seems to think I'm making it up because they haven't 'met' the others before...but it would make sense that they would pretend to be me for most of our lives...and sometimes they were hidden and weren't even around. I am rambling and I apologize. I'm glad I found somewhere where I can talk about this with people who understand.

This sounds very invalidating, even crazy-making. I am sorry to say your therapist may be doing you more harm than good. Is she being supervised by another, more experienced therapist? Per the published treatment guidelines of the ISSTD, you should receive a thorough assessment of your signs and symptoms of dissociation. If you do have a dissociative disorder, that needs to be factored into your treatment.

International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation: Treatment Guidelines

No, she's not being supervised and claims to specialize in personality disorders/trauma...I really do not like her but she is currently my only option. She won't let me talk about dissociating for more than like 5 minutes without saying we're 'getting off track' and need to go back to doing DBT and doing emotional regulation. I'm very stressed out. I want to know what's going on with me and I want to know how to deal with this but she's only teaching me how to cope with BPD...while I need to understand that too, that is not the most distressing thing in my life right now if that makes sense? I'm emotionally messed up but I need to either be treated for DID, DDNOS, or depersonalization and I know that. I don't really know what to do though. I have a psychology degree and that leads many mental health professionals to think that I know too much and I'm critiquing them too heavily.

How is this therapist your only option?

Insurance and location. She's also the only one that I've found in my area that offers DBT, which I definitely need. And my insurance really does suck--they don't like to pay for much of anything, especially mental health related. I'm lucky I'm still getting my meds.

Well, you could decide to postpone dealing with your real issue and learn what she has to teach you. Think of it as you need dental work but this person is a personal fitness coach. Meanwhile, start making plans to see another therapist who is competent to treat dissociation. Identify who you would want to see. Find out what they charge, and what insurance they take. Explore how to get to their location. Find a better job that pays more and/or has better insurance.

This therapist definitely does not sound like a good fit. A therapist should listen to you and never, ever force integration when you haven't even met your other system members. I, too, am having trouble finding a therapist to suit my needs.

Una+ wrote:Well, you could decide to postpone dealing with your real issue and learn what she has to teach you. Think of it as you need dental work but this person is a personal fitness coach.

This is a good idea.

Also, I was able to see a therapist not covered by my insurance by making a "single case agreement". Often-times, therapists know how to navigate insurance companies. If you can find another therapist, ask them about your insurance, and see if you can work out an agreement.

Best of luck!

I recently discovered that I do not lose time during switches like I thought. Instead, I convinced myself that I didn't remember because I hated knowing things that happened outside of my control. So no, you do not need to lose time or black out to have DID or DDNOS. It's simply the most obvious, most common symptom that most people look for.

From what you say, it definitely sounds like you might have a dissociative disorder, possible DDNOS or DID. (Though I can't really say for sure since, no offense, there's not that much to go off of and of course I'm no professional).

I would definitely look into getting another therapist, or at least start looking at this therapist strictly for what she CAN help you with, not necessarily what you might need. I don't know what it's like for you, but where I'm at some clinics are specifically for uninsured people or people with financial hardships. Some therapists will also make exceptions for insurances and financially struggling people, as doe-eyed said. Sometimes they can figure out the systems to help fit your needs. I would definitely at least try. If nothing else, is there any way you can maybe start phone sessions or online sessions with another therapist, one that will actually help you?

I'm glad you found this place, and hope it helps. Feel free to share anything you're comfortable with, it's a safe, supportive place.

I appreciate all your responses. I understand my therapist isn't really helping...but I'll talk to her more this week and see if maybe I misunderstood her intentions.

I'm just completely lost. I feel like a lot of my memories are fuzzy and that I'm not the one talking, often. Sometimes I'm like pulled in a bunch of directions...like when I go to buy something it's like "get this, get that, oohhh toys"...I'm 22 years old...I don't need toys but there's something in there that does, if that makes sense. Also, I keep coming out of stores or coming home with things I don't remember buying and don't seem like something I'd buy but they are on the receipt so I must have bought them.

Everything I read points to DID or DDNOS and I'm terrified.

I think my psychology degree is really hindering my progress in this because I understand the mechanism and symptoms, but it's hurting me to not be able to fix it.

What about the possibility of having DID/DDNOS terrifies you? If you do have DID/DDNOS, then you've had it for a while, and you are who you are. "Slapping a label" onto that doesn't change who YOU are, it only changes the knowledge you have about how to help yourself (and makes it easier). You're already having difficulties/problems. All a diagnosis would be doing is telling you the certain cause of those difficulties/problems. (I know it's still scary and whatnot to some people, and that's ok and understandable. Just sharing my opinion).


I can understand what you're feeling with your psychology degrees (not to the same extent but to some extent). I wanted/want to major in psychology, so I took advanced high school psychology classes and did a lot of in-depth research on my free time (focusing on things that either seemed to possibly "fit" me or that simply interested me). It's frustrating to know what's going on, how it works, what's happening and why and yet at the same time to not know what's going on, not fully know how it works, not know what's happening and not knowing why. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I have obviously cliche, right-out-of-text-book symptoms or reactions or something, yet I don't realize it until someone else mentions it or until later when I'm thinking more clearly. Like right now, I'm battling denial. I know what's going on, I know why, I know that I'm battling denial, and I know how to help myself cope with it (I've even advised others on ways to help them battle denial), and yet does that make it any easier or mean that I remember how to cope with it when I'm "in the moment"? Nope. Then again, I suppose if things were that easy, we could all save money and learn to be our own therapists. (No offense again therapists or anything, of course).