Having an awful day.

First and foremost I'm already in a pretty #######5 mood today because I took less meds than I should have last night. This was because it's freshers week and I got in at 4 and had to be up at 9 and they're very sedating so I knew if I took my full dose I'd be unable to get out of bed. So I took the lower dose and barely got up anyway, spent my uni induction day so zoned out and exhausted and miserable that I wasn't taking any of it in so I left early. Then there's the crazy love triangle/square going on...

When I broke up with my ex I not long later got with a guy who I have known for nearly 2 and a half years, who I have liked this whole time. When I started freshers I met this other guy, who I really clicked with, as friends - I don't want to be with him. I crashed at his place a few times and nothing happened or even came close to happening because I didn't want it to - I still want to be with the guy who is now my boyfriend. Sophie didn't either - until he started revealing his dark kinks that he shares with her. She hadn't even met him and ended up coming out one night at his and "cheating" on L. I'd never really done anything sexual with L, I'm not really a "sexual" alter, but Sophie has. I wanted to take things slow with L but she didn't, and now that she's met a new person with her kinks she's into him.

I would quite like to have things go nice and slow with L. She doesn't really have romantic feelings so she doesn't want to be with the new guy she just want someone into the same ###$ up stuff as her...

I want to be safe, and she wants to be abused. With L I am safe but I'm starting to feel so stressed by Sophie's underlying desires that I just don't know how I am going to continue on in this new relationship with Sophie going mental for her abusive sex and whatnot.

How do other people deal with these situations? :S

Kaz x

I've been MIA for a couple days, but I feel I'm the only one equipped to respond here. So I will.

First of all, Kaz, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time right now. *safe hugs if wanted* Definitely be kind and gentle to yourself today. Perhaps take a break from seeing L or any other guy if you can and just have some "you" time. Comfort and spoil yourself a bit, ok? You deserve it.

Ok, now to the cold, hard, truth of things. I'm going to say up front that I have no intention of offending you, Sophie, or anything other part of you. My response comes from what I can see (from what you've posted), and personal experience (since I've been there, done that, a couple times now actually). Oh, and I might be putting things into a list-type format. Helps me keep thoughts straight. Oh, and Sophie, this is for both you and Kaz, so if you're able to read as well, please do.

- First thing to address is that L is your boyfriend, not Sophie's. Yes, you're right in that a part of you cheated on L, but that part of you does not see L as her boyfriend or see that she owes anything to L. When dealing with stuff like this, it's important to take this into consideration. Sophie has no obligation to like L, trust L, make any promises to L, or be in a relationship/tied to L. You being in a relationship is your choice, and the same goes for Sophie.
HOWEVER, that being said, Sophie does owe respect to you and your decision to be with L. Just because she's not dating L doesn't mean she can do things that are potentially harmful to your relationship. While she doesn't owe it to L to not "mess" anything up, she does owe it to you. She needs to be patient and wait until you two are able to figure out a compromise that works for you (with rules/guidelines you both agree on). This would be the same for you if Sophie had a boyfriend that you didn't see as your's. I doubt Sophie would like it if she had some kinky bf that you cheated on and so he ended up leaving her. You seem to know this, but Sophie needs to realize there's "two sides to a coin", so to speak.

- I'm sure you understand that alters have different desires, likes, dislikes, etc. This is no different from relationships/hook-ups/etc. (as again, I'm sure you know). It's important to work out rules/guidelines for your system for situations such as relationships. Usually, it helps to do this before you get into one, but sometimes that doesn't happen (I didn't think to the first time or two). Compromise and discuss (any way possible, talking, notes, writing on here, etc), about rules regarding things like respecting what you want with YOUR boyfriend; possibly having their own relationships and/or flings; how far they're allowed to go with another guy if they're not allowed to have their own relationships/flings; how far they're allowed to go with your boyfriend; etc. Just like how alters like having their own clothes and things, they like having their freedom for relationships, too. And they deserve it. Just have you have the right to pursue relationships, often with people Sophie isn't interested in it seems, your alters have the right to pursue their own relationships. How exactly you go about doing that is up to you. There's a variety of options you can choose: Letting your alters to take "breaks" from the relationships, during which time they have complete (within reason) freedom; Letting your alters to have "flings"/no serious relationships; Letting your alters to have full relationships (though this could get sticky and I'd advise against it); Letting your alters have people they can fool around with but they have to pass through you first (so there's no mystery people or strangers or anyone that seems dangerous, etc).; I think you get the idea. (I hate using the word "let". It makes it sound like the host is some sort of jail-keeper who's "letting" the alters have basic freedoms out of pity or something).

- Also make sure to discuss these things with your boyfriend L. Let him know that Sophie isn't dating him and explain how she doesn't seem him as a boyfriend. Explain that both of you, and all your parts, have the right to pursue things that they like and/or that makes them happy to a reasonable extent. Inform him of any compromises or rules/guidelines you come up with for you and your parts. And discuss the idea of giving Sophie some freedom.

- One thing you and L both need to realize is that you can't keep shaking a soda and not open it. Eventually the pressure will make it explode. This is the same with Sophie. It doesn't matter how strong you stay, Kaz, or how long you keep Sophie away from things she wants/likes. Eventually she will cause an explosion, and it's always best to avoid that. She messed around while YOU (not her) were in a relationship. This will not stop unless you both start respecting each other and respecting each other's freedoms. Yes, Sophie should not have done that. She didn't cheat on anyone, but she did something that she knew would make you unhappy, and that type of disrespect doesn't help anything/anyone at all. However, her actions could be an attempt to have you realize that she's not in a relationship with anyone and she deserves to have some freedom of her own. How about you both write letters to each other (or any other way that you communicate with each other, if you can), Kaz stating your point of view and wants with L, and Sophie stating her point of view and wants with L and/or whoever she's interested in. This could help both of you start to make guidelines/rules regarding this subject.

- I've had alters (mainly Kat, L.C. when she was bi, and Valera) cheat on boyfriends of mine. Kat's even ended a relationship or two that way. It took me a while to realize they weren't doing it to try and hurt me or cause drama or anything. They were doing it because they figured if I had a right to have a boyfriend, they had a right to do things with guys they were attracted to (especially if my boyfriend wasn't their "type"). Not only that, but Kat wasn't about to let herself be "tied down" just because I was. She wasn't dating anyone, she didn't have any obligations, and she'll be d@mned if anyone tried to force her to be tied down when she wasn't. L.C. just didn't care if she was supposed to be "technically taken" just because I had a boyfriend. And even when she did care (with Mike), it still didn't stop her in the moment. As for Valera, well, she sees herself as Adam's girl (boy I grew up with and have always liked), and she's always said that "he's the exception. If I ever ended up married to someone else, and he showed up on my doorstep, I'd leave with him in a heartbeat". So you can bet she doesn't care if I have a boyfriend when Adam's around.
Eventually I realized that this behaviour wasn't going to stop, so I started talking with my boyfriend about what we could do about it. Back when I didn't know as much about DID or my parts, I tried having an open relationship with a boyfriend. It worked well, until he realized that I/my parts were hooking up with other guys just fine and he wasn't getting any girls. I tried taking a break with another boyfriend around that time period, but I guess during the break he decided my craziness wasn't what he wanted (which is fine, he couldn't provide me with what I needed at the time anyway). Then I stopped trying to let them have freedom, which made the cheating habits come back and stay even into my relationship with Mike. This is when I started thinking about ways to let them have freedom again, because I didn't want to ruin anything with Mike (and now that I knew more about DID and such, my parts and I could communicate better). So we set up the "break" system. Whenever someone, like Kat, feels like they need some space from the relationship, all Kat has to do is let Mike know and then she can have up to 3-4 months of freedom. As long as she's safe, all new interests are reported to me and/or Mike, and she lets whoever she's with know that they're nothing serious and are just a fling, she can do whatever she wants with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. It means Mike won't ask, and she won't tell. Oh, and also as long as she still respects the fact that Mike and I are together, so that means no serious relationships (not that Kat wants one, but still), acknowledging the fact that Mike and I are still together if she's around people we know and they ask, and if Mike and I have plans, they come first over any "break" plans. So far, no one has taken a break yet, but the knowledge that they have that option has kept anyone from doing anything with other guys. It's a lot like a dog with a leash in a yard. The shorter you make the leash, the more the dog will want to run away. But if you let the dog go, yeah, they might wander the yard for a while, but they'll always come back to you eventually.


It's not easy to deal with this type of situation, and it's not always easy to come up with solutions. But I think the best thing that will help you is to make a sort of peace treaty with Sophie, made up of guidelines/rules that you both can agree on (doesn't mean you like it, it means you can agree to do it/let it be). Both of you have the right to pursue what makes you happy (to a reasonable extent). Kaz, you have the right to feel safe with L and go slow and everything. And Sophie, you have the right to pursue guys that interest you, but you don't have the right to cause trouble with Kaz's relationship. I certainly hope both of you can work things out, and I hope you feel better soon, Kaz. *more safe hugs if wanted*