Sophie cheated on my BF.

Hi ya'll.

Yeah, that's how you guys experienced it - I experienced it to be very rude. I'm super sensitive to these things and I'd never talk to my parts like that! I know that since each part of mine has gone through h*ll, I'd rather try to talk through them with compassion rather than being blunt. If I am blunt to my parts, my parts will be blunt to me!

But whatever works with your system. I am blunt with my parts at times but sometimes being compassionate works better. I think that Sophie would need understanding more than anything...being blunt might just increase her destructive behavior. I also have parts that have been having s*x without system's approval so I'm familiar with the similar problem... >.>

But I better go now. I can't deal with much at the moment nor help anyone. I need to help myself! >.<

EDIT. Also I'd like to mention that when we were treated in the hospital for 3 months due to wrong diagnose, the doctors/people there were SO BLUNT/RUDE/IGNORANT/CLUELESS that it made us create new parts and overall made our DID and whole condition get worse. T_T So if I face even a little bit of similar behavior, I can't just sit there and do nothing... Bluntness is for our system like throwing us with a rock with sharp glass on the sides. T_T

But that's our opinion/point of view on the issue. Only Feathers can herself tell if she was hurt by your bluntness or not. I just kinda felt like I needed to protect her. That's all! ^^;

Wow... This is something that I honestly would be scared to hear from my boyfriend. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if one of the alters "cheated" (I use the quotations because I am referring to the body and not the personality) on me. I know that one of the alters does not view me as sexually attractive and if they were to ever try to try and initiate something like that with me, it would only be so they could cause some problems with my boyfriend and me.

Maybe you can try and get Sophie, and your boyfriend to work something out? That's what I did with my boyfriend and his alters that I knew were capable of getting out and trying to get with somebody. The interesting thing is, the Gatekeeper makes sure that at least the alters will keep their part of the deal. So basically, I know that one of the alters may end up make-out with somebody (it would still hurt me, nonetheless), but I know that it won't escalate to more than just making out and foreplay (and I know that my boyfriend would be furious if they pulled something like that because he has demanded for them to at least respect our relationship and that means that the body cannot do that kind of stuff when they are in charge).

It's hard. Dating a person with DID is hard. Especially for me because of my BPD. I still see so much of my boyfriend in his alters that it's scary. Even from the alters that do not like me, I can see myself loving them. And for me, I just don't know if it's sick and twisted, or if it's just me showing that I truly accept him. I know for him DID is not easy. I will NEVER be able to truly understand his suffering of having a split mind to this extreme. I can understand the split since BPD does "split" but more on emotions than actually causing an alter. And I know that with a lot of my stuff, my boyfriend will never be able to fathom (especially because I actually had it harder than he did since his stuff was just a one time thing, while mine was spread out through a good chunk of my life). Both of us can be able to meet in the middle, if we both give the effort.

Maybe you three can do the same? Try and find a middle ground were all three of you will be pleased, or at least tolerant. It may sound like you don't think Sophie would want to find middle ground, but try and see if there is a way. Try and talk to her and find out what she wants. If she wants a relationship with the other guy, see if you boyfriend would not be bothered by an open relationship. If he is bothered by it, see if there is a way where maybe your boyfriend can help her (but with limitations). I believe that there is always a middle ground. There is always a balance somewhere... Even if the line for balance is extremely blurred. Just because you don't see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

**trigger warning for.. I dunno, uncomfortable thoughts**

And I know that with a lot of my stuff, my boyfriend will never be able to fathom (especially because I actually had it harder than he did since his stuff was just a one time thing, while mine was spread out through a good chunk of my life).

If he's saying he got it from a one time thing, I'd take that with a grain or hundred of salt. DID is generally thought to be from severe and prolonged abuse or neglect etc. I'm not saying he's been through that - I'm just saying that I'd be cautious going into it with that as an assumption based on what he knows (or is willing to tell you) at this point.
**trigger warning end**

Sorry for the hijack...
So back on track:
Sorry that happened :/ I hope you guys can find a way to make it work for you. Sorry I don't have more advice - Nin's in a relationship but we have rules in our system for what we can do etc that works for us. I hope you all can get to that point too.

lifelongthing wrote:**trigger warning for.. I dunno, uncomfortable thoughts**

And I know that with a lot of my stuff, my boyfriend will never be able to fathom (especially because I actually had it harder than he did since his stuff was just a one time thing, while mine was spread out through a good chunk of my life).

If he's saying he got it from a one time thing, I'd take that with a grain or hundred of salt. DID is generally thought to be from severe and prolonged abuse or neglect etc. I'm not saying he's been through that - I'm just saying that I'd be cautious going into it with that as an assumption based on what he knows (or is willing to tell you) at this point.
**trigger warning end**

Sorry for the hijack...
So back on track:
Sorry that happened :/ I hope you guys can find a way to make it work for you. Sorry I don't have more advice - Nin's in a relationship but we have rules in our system for what we can do etc that works for us. I hope you all can get to that point too.

I think his has more to do with his extreme fear of negative emotions, extremely high expectations from family, and a very rough school life... That's from what I understood from his other alters, and what he said... Which I honestly have a strong feeling that it runs deeper than what they are leading on. I'm not going to press it, though because I don't want to push something that shouldn't be pushed yet. Wait until he is ready to confront it.

For me, personally, both of us had very difficult lives. They were just more at different extremes. I think that because we both had difficulties that most normal people would not be able to handle, it can make us appreciate the other and have a mutual respect.

I was mainly using my situation with my boyfriend to try and help her. That's the only way that I can. They are going to have to get together and work something out. And they have to do it in a way where all parties will be satisfied.

I feel bad for Kaz's boyfriend because he's going through the one thing I would be terrified to face with my boyfriend. I know that this is normal for DID, and I do hope that you Sophie and your boyfriend can sort this out. I really do.

I think his has more to do with his extreme fear of negative emotions, extremely high expectations from family, and a very rough school life... That's from what I understood from his other alters, and what he said... Which I honestly have a strong feeling that it runs deeper than what they are leading on. I'm not going to press it, though because I don't want to push something that shouldn't be pushed yet. Wait until he is ready to confront it.

For me, personally, both of us had very difficult lives. They were just more at different extremes. I think that because we both had difficulties that most normal people would not be able to handle, it can make us appreciate the other and have a mutual respect.

Yeah, I get that. Just wanted to caution you just in case so you didn't go like if more revealed itself. It's better to be prepared, I guess. But you seem to understand there could me more, and that's great. Was just trying to help (though I am honestly rarely helpful )

Bad little girl!

Can you write her and ask her what she was up to!

lifelongthing wrote:

I think his has more to do with his extreme fear of negative emotions, extremely high expectations from family, and a very rough school life... That's from what I understood from his other alters, and what he said... Which I honestly have a strong feeling that it runs deeper than what they are leading on. I'm not going to press it, though because I don't want to push something that shouldn't be pushed yet. Wait until he is ready to confront it.

For me, personally, both of us had very difficult lives. They were just more at different extremes. I think that because we both had difficulties that most normal people would not be able to handle, it can make us appreciate the other and have a mutual respect.

Yeah, I get that. Just wanted to caution you just in case so you didn't go like if more revealed itself. It's better to be prepared, I guess. But you seem to understand there could me more, and that's great. Was just trying to help (though I am honestly rarely helpful )

It was the thought that counts. And it's cool, rarely am I ever helpful... Or at least I believe I'm rarely helpful.

I am feeling so increasingly stressed and depressed about this situation... When I told him what Sophie did he was upset... How do I ever expect him to be okay with Sophie doing things outside of our relationship? I feel like I'm ######6 him around if I expect him to be okay with her doing things like this.

Kaz x

Feathers wrote:I am feeling so increasingly stressed and depressed about this situation... When I told him what Sophie did he was upset... How do I ever expect him to be okay with Sophie doing things outside of our relationship? I feel like I'm ######6 him around if I expect him to be okay with her doing things like this.

Kaz x

Right now, he's having a hard time adjusting to the fact that you have DID. I had that period in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend. It's VERY hard for a person us (those who don't have DID) to wrap our mind around the fact that you guys have many minds and one body. It takes a lot of time to try and get used to that idea. He most likely still feels like it was you, but not you. And he may be dealing with some confusion such as wondering if he is dating Sophie, you, and the other alters, is he dating just you, is he dating just Sohpie, is he dating other people, ext. It's VERY confusing in the beginning. Does he need to please the other personalities, or just you. Do they want to get to know him, or do they don't like him. These questions and more might be going through his mind.

I don't blame him for feeling hurt about the situation. Your body was the one that was with an other person. Not your mind.

I know that if this were to happen with my boyfriend and me, even though I know he wouldn't cheat on me, that still won't mean I won't feel hurt about it. I would feel hurt because the alter did not respect my boyfriend, me, and our relationship.

But then again, your boyfriend may have adjusted and is probably feeling betrayed. Not by you. But betrayed by the disrespect Sophie showed to both of your relationship.

It is a very different and often new idea that someone has more than one personality, and that all those personalities deserve the right to pursue what makes them happy (to a reasonable extent), including when it comes to relationships. It will take some time to get used to for your BF. Besides, you're not expecting anything of him, Kaz. You're ASKING these things of him. You're ASKING if he's ok with it, you're ASKING if this is a possibility while you're with him, you're ASKING for him to understand you AND Sophie, you're ASKING him to understand Sophie's freedom and rights. You're not expecting anything of him, and that's what will help.

Of course he's upset right now. This is probably a new situation for him, and a new experience. He's still adjusting to the change between friendship and romantic interest. DID affects those types of relationships differently. It's one thing to have a friend of your's tell you about stuff an alter did that made you upset. It's another thing to have your GF tell you about stuff an alter did that made her upset and has an impact on the relationship. Be patient with both him and yourself; it will take some time for both of you to adjust to the relationship itself, much less adjusting to this situation and the idea of working out a compromise for Sophie. The important thing is, for both you and him, to remember that Sophie IS NOT dating your boyfriend, and that YOU did nothing wrong because Sophie is not you (again, proper situational appliance. I'm aware that all parts/alters make up one person. But they're different parts/alters, too). I don't know if this will help at all, but it kinda helped me once when I was in a similar situation. Alters are different personalities, recognized as such for a reason. If they had their own bodies, they'd all be different people. And just like different people, they're going to try to do their own thing (sometimes). And they deserve to be able to do their own thing (to a reasonable extent). -This was going somewhere, but I think I lost it. I'm kinda "fuzzy" right now, sorry-.
One thing to think about: What if the roles were reversed? What if Sophie was "out" like you (Kaz) are and had a BF, and you started to get involved with a guy YOU liked? (Not saying you would, just saying to think about the situation). It's often helped me to put myself in my alters' shoes. I know I didn't think to do stuff like that for the longest time, but it really helped me understand how mad and frustrated they can get sometimes with not having their own body and not being in control and such.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time right now, and I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad. *safe hugs if wanted* Just take things slow, keep good communication between you and your BF, remember the important things (like how you, Kaz, did nothing wrong), and be patient with yourself and your BF. Don't throw out ideas about letting Sophie have some freedom just because they seem difficult to deal with now. Give it some time, and remember that you and her are equal and have equal rights. *more hugs if wanted* I hope things get better for you soon.