personal stories of SA amnesia *MAJOR Trigger Warning*

I was just curious to know about other peoples' stories if they experienced complete amnesia for SA until they reached adulthood or if there was another trauma that set off the memories?? I would like to know how the memories or body memories came back and how you experienced them if you can share. Was it very vivid?? was it more of a knowing that something happened without clear pictures? I'm wondering because I now my own story and experience and am curious to see if it's similar to anyone elses'. It may help me get out of this denial mode I've been in so any input would be appreciated.

I knew about some of it, but nothing I considered very major. I didn't even consider it abuse for a long time. Sometimes I still don't think of it as such. People have also been asking me about it for years. Even before I was ready to admit anything happened, or the existence of my others. Even now it's easier to say it doesn't exist and it's not happening. Even when I feel it.

The body memories came back when the others started to tell me more. Sometimes it's only the body memories. The sensation and pain and emotions. Sometimes I get a visual with it.

With one of the big ones, it was visual and body memories. Like watching a movie.

With one of the other big ones, it was just body memories.

I hope this makes sense.

At the end of July, I had a really nasty argument with my sister one night, because I wanted to stay up late but she said that if I did, I'd be grumpy in the morning, and she didn't want to deal with me being grumpy. It put me in a really bad mood, and I went to bed at about 11PM. While I was talking to my significant other via Facebook in bed, I began to feel my protective alter, Alois, starting to wake up, wanting to cause trouble. Because I was already tired and grumpy, I didn't resist, but I remember saying to myself that I wished it would all just come to an end. Then suddenly, I could remember very clearly being knelt on a cold, hard floor in front of a naked skinny man. I won't go into explicit detail of what was happening, but I could feel it again as I was lying in bed on a hot July night. I wanted to scream but I couldn't open my mouth because that made the feeling more intense. After that night, Alois disappeared for about a month.

Then, towards the end of August, I found a door in my mind, blocking out a memory. I instinctively knew that there was rape behind the door, but I couldn't quite believe it. There's a definite difference between knowing something and believing it. For a few weeks, a new protector appeared, and he held the door shut for me, when I needed him to. Then, on Sunday evening, I found out that a man who I have a personal connection with tortured and killed two boys, in front of his sons, one of which is a close friend of mine, and got away with it. Finding out about that really freaked me out, and then in the middle of all of that, I could suddenly feel the rape happening, but not fully. I couldn't feel the pain, which I know must have been involved. Occasionally, I catch glimpses of the pain, but I haven't unlocked it fully yet.

Since then, Alois has come back to me, which is a big relief

Although I knew that something ‘was wrong’, I was completely amnestic to memories of childhood SA until my mid 20s when I 1st entered therapy to get help with a very traumatic issue. I was the Plaintiff’s star witness in a SA case, having been SA’d by the Defendant 5 years prior. I filed a motion for a protective order because I felt emotionally unable to take part in this event. But, because the Plaintiff’s entire case was based on my story (I had reported it but those who were in charge chose to shut me up rather than help me), my motion was over-ruled & I was compelled to testify. I could not emotionally do it & entered therapy for help. I didn’t know it at the time, but discovered in therapy that my fear & anxiety was due to my desperate desire to hide, at all cost, the fact that I had repressed many yrs of parental & extended family SA memories. I find it interesting that the sexual assault did not trigger any childhood memories of abuse, but last yr, (which was 32 two yrs later) my SO felt it necessary to physically restrain an angry alter for a period of time & our negative reaction to it was severe.

During those early years of therapy, my body memories were brought on by my PTSD only. I had severe touch aversion. I would flinch, shrink back & even twist away from my then T’s genuine offer of a safe hug or hand shake without realizing it until after it happened. And I did receive some visual memories absent of affect, as well as some memories of affect absent of any visual memories. A visual memory appeared while driving home from therapy as I was passing the reservoir near my home. I saw a picture in my head of my mom attempting to drown me in the bathtub. It was vivid enough to know that she was her & I was me but I couldn’t say what we were wearing at 1st. I later saw what I was wearing & smiled remembering how fond I was off that outfit that I had forgotten all about. I would shrug off that memory for the next 25 years, though I am now dealing with it again in therapy.

An example of a memory of affect that I deal with daily (& always have) is another PTSD issue. It was related to my pedophile father & his pornographic magazines. It always hurts me deeply because everywhere I look I see sexual exploitation. It is a constant reminder to my past. How do I cope? I say home & watch re-runs of The Brady Bunch & I Love Lucy. When I do have to shop, I never look at people because I hate seeing cleavage & I make certain to flip over magazines that I find completely offensive while in the check out line just to make a point. I stay out of movie theatres & off of beaches & cruise ships. I could rant about this forever so I’ll just shut up.

I re-entered therapy 3 yrs ago & am taking it way more seriously than ever before. I have lots more body memories than ever before, most of which are obvious, i.e. painful wrists & ankles that wake me up at night, & there is a nightmare to deal with every now & again. I am learning to not discount the pictures I see in my sleep. Mostly though, my T will help me recall memories by asking questions which usually produce picture memories that become clearer as the questions continue & I think more about it.

Hope this helps.

Interesting:

Im getting a whole lot of memories heading my way at the present. A whole head full of me is reappearing.. Its truly an awe inspiring galaxy. However, You bring up a shocking point..

Very little or no sexual memories.. not yet.. Im afraid those are in the center abyss that Im not parked at. That is a glum dark rooted place.. A place of horror. I have to sections. 0 to 3, and 11 to 13. Something like that and other SA stuff scattered... No memories or new ones...

I will say that because of the recovery work Ive done through the years; the intensity level, I have a strong army backing me when they do come out... Im doing fairly well at the moment...

Beginning in 2010 I have experienced recurrent and highly specific body memories of sexual abuse. In 2011 associated with Alter 1's fusion I experienced an abreaction of one of these memories complete with a visual image.

I have family history including photographs of a very traumatic event (not SA) during which I was strangely calm and composed, but for which I have amnesia. I have many other amnesias, meaning I am aware of significant blank spots in my memory, that are highly suggestive of SA.

I have been in therapy for less than 2 years. It is likely that I have only just begun to discover what lies ahead.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it's very brave. I was afraid people would get mad at me for posting this. I have already shared my story on here but havn't yet heard others' stories in full so thank you. I can't fathom the pictures I've been getting in my head or the things that have been coming up. Afer a sexual assault about 2 1/2 3 years ago I began having body memories and pictures of someone very close to me having sex with me as a little girl. I started to become aroused when I would get these images and be more confused than ever. The sexual assault that happened to me I guess triggered something else and I became amnesic for basically my entire life in one day. I have not been the same since although I had plenty of dissociative symptoms before the sexual asasult. The pictures that used to come up have since gone but whenever my T brings up something traumatic in my childhood I begin having sexual feelings and arousal and the images and sounds come back but I don't believe them.

I'm afraid what it would mean if it were all true. I'm afraid for the person who may be the perpurtrator because I love them very much and I'm worried for them. I'm afraid of people hating me and thinking I'm a liar and a family destroyer. I'm scared that my mom will hate me and even now with things happening I feel like she should hate me but sometimes I get so angry with her because I'm almost certain she knew about it. All these years with all my issues and she had the key to my healing and has allowed me to suffer and suffer more while trying to take my kid away from me.

At the same time, I can't keep living this way. I have my baby boy back with me now and I have to be the best I can be for him because even though I feel I don't deserve it, he deserves nothing less. I want to get better.

in my late teen years i would have memories surrounding later childhood abuse but couldnt quite remember what actually happened. felt like a memory with a black center. My mind would constantly go back trying to remember but i it was just too much for my mind. Eventually after probing so much things would come back. It still feels more like a dream then something that actually happened. But knowing it happened at the same time.
I spend alot of time minimizing the abuse that i did recall because it never felt like abuse really. was the only life i knew wasnt until i left the home i realized most peoples reality and the one i was now shown is much different then the one i grew up in. Even though i couldnt remember a great deal i knew i had to leave.. runaway sort of speak. so i left and moved across the country. In my early 20s i was diagnosed with social anxiety, depression and ptsd. i went back home for a visit, thats when i started to recall more stuff. I guess being away from it made me slowly forget even the stuff i remembered. it was hard was one big trigger. Alot came floating in and was difficult to deal with. From there i joined a depression support group and an anxiety support group both were helpful information but wasnt the help i needed. the lady who ran the depression support group works with trauma patients she said right off the bat i had a dissociative dissorder which made me mad not sure why. but i hated her lol. later i left therapy since it wasnt helping, then a few years later i returned and that lady who ran that group became my therapist. now i love her lol. she understood me better than anyone ever had and from there i was diagnosed with d.i.d ...i was in alot of denial but i started to have body memories. was the most painful experience i ever had i felt the pain as if it was happening again and slowly i started to met other parts of me. which was weird because once i started to meet them it was like a reunion... times in my childhood where i had been semi co conscious of them at times but later forgot all about them or brushed it aside as silliness. Overall the memories came back from me either probing, triggers, or given from my parts. my past doesnt seem real to me, but i know it happened. im still very disconnected from it all. and i know there is still alot i dont remember. im not sure how i know that i just do.for me i started to remember later childhood stuff then working down from earlier childhood, still really blotchy and scattered.

brandonsmom777 wrote:whenever my T brings up something traumatic in my childhood I begin having sexual feelings and arousal and the images and sounds come back but I don't believe them.

Every part of this is normal. I hope your therapist has told you that. Very, very icky, but normal. Sexual arousal is a hardwired physical response to sexual stimulation. It has nothing to do with your thoughts or feelings: it happens entirely in the body and memory of it also is stored in the body. That is why we call them body memories.

brandonsmom777 wrote:All these years with all my issues and she had the key to my healing and has allowed me to suffer and suffer more while trying to take my kid away from me.

Yes. Also normal. By avoiding necessary pain, your mother perpetuates unnecessary suffering. This is the cost of denial, and it is a truly staggering cost.

You are working hard to get better, and you will be better and your son will be well cared for and healthy. He is already so much better off, having a mother who is aware of and facing her issues.

Hang in there!

Thanks Una, the support from all of you means more than you know. I need to keep my eyes on my son and keep going