Done living this lie

Adameil wrote:Hi there! So you are a friend of Cassandra from the outside? Got it. And you are certainly a real person! How long you've known each other and how long you've been around?

Thank you for actually getting it. I've known Cassandra since like, 6th grade. We went to the same middle school, then the same high school, but we had less classes together in high school. Different circles of friends, different hang out areas, that type of sh*t, you know? We kinda became "crisis buddies" I guess you could say. We really only hung out when things got tough or one of us had a problem, sh*t like that. If you want to get technical, it got to the point where we only really hung out when she had another lie to confess. She always comes crying to me when she lies, telling me what she said, who she lied to, and how she's freaking out about it (like having to hold this lie up, or the simple fact that she lied to someone, usually someone she said she cared about, you know, feeling guilty about her lie and sh*t).

Adameil wrote:Okay. We all have our sensitive spots in us. I tend to get winded up if I face violence towards innocent people/parts. T_T I don't know if this is similar case with you, correct me if I'm wrong. So you could say that lying is certain type of "trigger" for you? You just can't help yourself and you just gotta do what you gotta do, so to speak?

It's gotten to that point, yeah. I mean, with Cassandra it's more like "Ok, this is the last straw, I've watched you silently as you've lied more and more throughout your life, I'm done", but overall, yeah I tend to get wound up when dealing with lying/liars/lies. Not a big fan of hypocrites, either (unless they admit it, then I don't have as much of a problem).

Adameil wrote:Yup, pardon me for getting that wrong. ^^; But still I stay behind my words that you are doing h*ck of a job at there! It's sad that you're being pushed aside so violently but I can also see the reason behind that... Just as Cassandra has hurted you, You have hurted Cassandra. You two have so different points of view in life so it's inevitable that you get these clashes together. And as long as you are going hold your way of thinking, so is Cassandra. It's just not gonna stop. I can assure you this. It won't stop until you two start to understand each other instead of silencing and fighting.

I know I probably sound mad as h*ll but could you consider this thought? As you have seen in the past before, Cassandra has "come clean" multiple times and yet she has carried on with her own way of thinking. It just won't work. For neither of you. You have to figure out new ways to deal with the issue in hands. I certainly don't want either of you dropping your way of thinking (that would be just cruel) but to respect the way you both are thinking and feeling. I know lying is a big d*mn "trigger" (so to speak) for you but can you at least try to think of doing things differently? As long as you feel comfortable of doing so, can you try to have different approach with Cassandra? And the same goes for her. Could she try a different approach?

I'm not sure if I can ever understand why she lies to people she says she cares about, or why she escapes from every possible responsibility and consequences by hiding behind her lies. Like I said in my reply to Datenshi, if she didn't hide from responsibility all the time, and if she didn't try to keep up these lies to people who know the truth (like me), and if she admitted this was all a little game/lie, then we might not have as much of a problem. But what she does right now, I can't understand. How she's hurting people, how she's using people, and how she's manipulating people's view/thoughts of her and the truth isn't something I can understand, and it's wrong, if you ask me.

I'm not sure of what approach I'd try, and I don't know if we can do things differently. The only solution I see is for her to save herself from these lies and come clean, and stay clean, like breaking the habit of a drug or something. She's the same as a heroin addict to me- I want to get her off of it for good. At the very extreme least, I want her to realize what she's doing and not do it around people who don't want to be exposed to it. (So in essence, I want her to admit she's lying and not try to live them around people she says she cares about or me. She can live them around people who are ok with her lying, apparently- which I just don't f*#king get, but whatever).

Adameil wrote:People don't usually remember their trauma, especially when it comes to childhood trauma or so. So even if Cassandra remembers and you don't, it doesn't mean that something didn't happen. Just because you can't remember, it doesn't mean that Cassandra doesn't. She is a different person than you and she feels things and experiences things from her own point of view. But the same goes for you. You experience everything and feel things from your own point of view. You two have experienced your life differently but it doesn't mean, that either of you is wrong. You are both right. You are both RIGHT. Even if you remember things differently, it doesn't mean that Cassandra is wrong or that you are wrong. You just have experienced it differently. And it would be so amazing, if you both would show respect towards each other's way of experiencing things.

Cassandra's told me all of what she's gone through, and that she remembers pretty much all her trauma (unless that was a lie I didn't catch). The only real trauma she had was her mom dying. Other than that, all "trauma" came from her blowing sh*t out of proportions, letting sh*t get to her way too much, and all the drama and sh*t that came from her lies. In a nutshell, I'm saying that whatever happened was usually her own fault (not trying to trigger anyone or anything like that here, just couldn't think of a better way to put it). It's not like I had the happiest life in the world, but you don't see me trying to use it as a reason to explain away my lies and other bullsh*t. I know that Cassandra's got problems- who doesn't? I know that she actually does have PTSD and sh*t. But there's no call for the continuous lies or anything like that, especially not anymore. She's getting attention now- she just wants more, she wants to be "special", she wants to be "different". She likes being in the "spotlight", and if she can't have the spotlight via talent or popularity, then she'll have the spotlight via being "different", "special", or even "troubled", you know? Kinda like those people that have to out-do everything you do? Like if you share a story, they have to share a story that's "better" than yours type of thing. Or if you chug a can of soda, they have to chug a bottle, does that make sense? She's like one of those people, except with attention. She'll cause drama just to have attention, even if it's bad attention. She'll make herself seem like the victim, or she'll make herself seem to be even more of a victim than she really is, for attention. She needs to realize that she's getting plenty of attention now, she doesn't need to lie for it or anything.

Ok, seriously. Quit f*#king around. Just, stop. If you're not going to come clean and stop this nonsense all together, the very least you can f*#king do is to stop and stay right where you're at. Stop making more. It's bad enough that you have as many lies as you do, you don't need to add more lies on top of it all.

Stop pretending. This isn't real. Get that through your f*#king head. At the very least, don't make up more lies. Just stop where you're at right now.

F*#ker.

I'm new in this, but I have been in contact with Cassandra (and, as she says/claims, others), so maybe I can help resolve this.

First of all, do you have a name or a nickname you want to share? That makes it so much easier to talk, because 'salmon-coloured text' isn't a real name, is it?

One thing that seems strange to me is that you don't like what you call lies (I'm not going to say they are or are not, I will keep it in the middle), and really don't like Cassandra lying (as you put it), but at the same time, you seem to really care about her.

Are you here again because of what has just happened? Of Cassandra/Hawk going through old memories? Like described in this thread:
dissociative-identity/topic103085.html having a really tuff time *trigger warning*
Are you the one that Cassandra/Cassie didn't know who it was?

Another thing that strikes me is that you seem to be online at the same time. Is there a reason for this? Or just coincidence? Because I saw that Cassandra/Hawk (whatever you want to call the person that posted there) posted 12 minutes after you posted here.

And another thing: why have you hacked Cassandra's account? Why didn't you just make an account for yourself? Why are you using a colored text? Because all this seems to suggest you are part of her, not a separate person.

Maybe it helps explaining a bit about yourself. I know you care about Cassandra, that's why you are here. But clearly, Cassandra doesn't understand why you call it lies (I think everyone can agree on this). Usually, with understanding comes acceptance. Maybe it helps to explain to Cassandra why you think it are lies, and think it isn't real. Maybe Cassandra can explain why she thinks it is real. That will get you to the core issue, because, clearly, there is an issue.

oaktree wrote:I'm new in this, but I have been in contact with Cassandra (and, as she says/claims, others), so maybe I can help resolve this.

First of all, do you have a name or a nickname you want to share? That makes it so much easier to talk, because 'salmon-coloured text' isn't a real name, is it?

I don't recognize your username, so I don't have as much of a problem restating myself. I'm not the type to start spewing info about myself, including my name, all over the internet.

oaktree wrote:One thing that seems strange to me is that you don't like what you call lies (I'm not going to say they are or are not, I will keep it in the middle), and really don't like Cassandra lying (as you put it), but at the same time, you seem to really care about her.

She didn't used to lie so much, and we used to be better friends, but her lies and pretending has put quite a strain on it. I don't like lies or liars, but I hate to see her continue in this downward spiral. If I'm able to try and stop her, I will. But I can only take so much. If things don't change, I'll end this friendship and walk away.

oaktree wrote:Are you here again because of what has just happened? Of Cassandra/Hawk going through old memories? Like described in this thread:
dissociative-identity/topic103085.html having a really tuff time *trigger warning*
Are you the one that Cassandra/Cassie didn't know who it was?

Ugh. As usual, that was poorly portrayed threw Cassandra little fantasy lens. There was no little "memory reel", though I did have to deal with Cassandra pretending to be the newly-created "Hawk". What happened was Cassandra was asking me the stupid "what if there's more" question, I was telling her there couldn't be more because this isn't real anyway, and then she started babbling off memories, trying to convince me somehow that it was some sort of "proof" even though it doesn't prove anything. She needs to just stop. She's getting in over her head with this, starting to believe in her own lies.

oaktree wrote:Another thing that strikes me is that you seem to be online at the same time. Is there a reason for this? Or just coincidence? Because I saw that Cassandra/Hawk (whatever you want to call the person that posted there) posted 12 minutes after you posted here.

The account can only have one person on it. When I get on, whoever's on her account before me gets kicked off. And if she gets on again, I get kicked off.

oaktree wrote:And another thing: why have you hacked Cassandra's account? Why didn't you just make an account for yourself? Why are you using a colored text? Because all this seems to suggest you are part of her, not a separate person.

I don't see a need to have my own account since I only resorted to hacking into Cassandra's account as an attempt to get her to stop her lying and pretending. Also, so I can do stuff like this (see sig). I'd delete it completely, but she keeps reposting it, so I've finally said "f*#k it".

oaktree wrote:Maybe it helps explaining a bit about yourself. I know you care about Cassandra, that's why you are here. But clearly, Cassandra doesn't understand why you call it lies (I think everyone can agree on this). Usually, with understanding comes acceptance. Maybe it helps to explain to Cassandra why you think it are lies, and think it isn't real. Maybe Cassandra can explain why she thinks it is real. That will get you to the core issue, because, clearly, there is an issue.

She DOES understand why I call it lies because I've explained it before on her and many times to her in person. I understand why she wants it to be real, but she only think it's real now because she's been pretending and lying for so long, she's starting to wonder if it is real when it's not.


"My point of view is that you, Cassandra, DO NOT HAVE DID and you need to STOP LIVING THIS LIE. It's time to come clean and I'm trying to help you do that. These supposed "alters" are lies you made up to blame for stuff you did, to take the responsibility off you. You made them so you wouldn't have to face what kind of person you really are. And it's time to stop lying to yourself and everyone else.

What I desire to have happen is that Cassandra comes clean, stops lying about this, and stops living this lie. It's eating up her life and she shouldn't be lying to everyone she knows anyway. The lie has grown so big in the past year or so, it's ridiculous. It's time to stop, come clean, and live clean from now on. No more games, no more lies."

"You're LYING and feeding yourself and everyone else LIES. And you KNOW IT. You're even going as far as to mold memories and make things "fit better"! You're making these fake personalities "fit" into your life and your memories when you know the truth- THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. THERE'S NO 2+2 TO ADD UP. You're putting things together when there's NOTHING TO PUT TOGETHER. YOU NEED TO STOP. NOW. This is the last f*#king straw, you're getting in way too f*#king deep. Stop LYING, stop playing these GAMES, stop making yourself believe your OWN LIES, STOP EVERYTHING. Come clean, STAY CLEAN, and STOP LYING. YOU ARE JUST ACTING AND YOU KNOW IT. You're aware of every single f*#king thing that you do! You know what you're doing! You've made yourself believe your own lies and it needs to stop! There's NOTHING to "explain" about your past! Stop using these fake personalities to "explain" things that don't need explaining! So you're a little weird...SO F*#KING WHAT?? STOP USING FAKE PERSONALITIES TO TRY AND JUSTIFY YOUR WEIRDNESS. Stop running from responsibilities, stop hiding behind these false names, stop justifying your UNACCEPTABLE behavior by saying it was a fake personality! You are a LIAR, you are a HORRIBLE PERSON, you are WEIRD, you are IRRESPONSIBLE, you are SELFISH, and you are MANIPULATIVE. ACCEPT IT and stop living these LIES!"


"Because you wanted f*#king attention, duh. You weren't getting any at home, you weren't anything special like a star athlete, you certainly weren't the prettiest girl around- no offense, sh*t like that. You wanted to be special, you wanted that spotlight, you wanted to have attention. Everyone does. The only f*#king difference is that you lied to get it. And when you saw that it worked, you never stopped lying. H3ll, you've made yourself believe it so that you can live the lie even better! You've "fixed" yourself to "fit" this disorder, you've made yourself believe that things like memories need explaining when they don't! You want explanations? You cheated on your boyfriends because you're a cheater. You lie to people for attention and to get what you want- you're manipulative. You're selfish and only truly care about what you want but you act like you care about other people so that it won't be obvious to them that you are selfish. You wanted to be the victim and you made your life out to be worse than it actually f*#king was. You wanted people to feel bad for you, to give you attention, to give you chance after chance because you had a disorder. You didn't want to have any responsibility, so you hide behind fake personalities and blame them for wrongdoings so you won't reap the consequences. You do this all for your benefit, to get what you want, to get attention, and to not feel bad about using people."



The only issue here is that Cassandra can't accept the type of person she is, fess up to her lies, and change to start a clean slate.

I don't think you will come to agreement this way. Maybe you could try going to someone else to sort this out.

The best way, to me, seems to be going with her to a therapist who knows about DID. He will be able to sort this out. He should know what is lying and what is not. But I've read Cassandra currently isn't in therapy, so that probably isn't possible at the moment. Maybe it helps going to someone else?

tomboy24 wrote:I don't recognize your username, so I don't have as much of a problem restating myself. I'm not the type to start spewing info about myself, including my name, all over the internet.

That's true, I haven't been on this thread before, and I'm relatively new on this forum (at least, it feels that way). You don't have to post your name on the internet. I don't too, it's just a nickname for me. But it's a name people use to refer to me.

tomboy24 wrote:The account can only have one person on it. When I get on, whoever's on her account before me gets kicked off. And if she gets on again, I get kicked off.

Strange. I am logged in at two different places at the same time.

oaktree wrote:I don't think you will come to agreement this way. Maybe you could try going to someone else to sort this out.

The best way, to me, seems to be going with her to a therapist who knows about DID. He will be able to sort this out. He should know what is lying and what is not. But I've read Cassandra currently isn't in therapy, so that probably isn't possible at the moment. Maybe it helps going to someone else?

I have no idea who we'd go to. I'd think that her first evaluation would've been proof enough. That psychologist sure saw through her bullsh*t. That's why he didn't diagnose her with DID or anything like that. But then she threw a little fit, hiding behind her "Kat mask", and so the psychologist changed it to "Possible DID" just to f*#kin' make her happy.

oaktree wrote:That's true, I haven't been on this thread before, and I'm relatively new on this forum (at least, it feels that way). You don't have to post your name on the internet. I don't too, it's just a nickname for me. But it's a name people use to refer to me.

Don't really have/know a nickname for me to use. Maybe if I care enough to think of one, I'll post it here or something.

oaktree wrote:Strange. I am logged in at two different places at the same time.

*shrugs* Doesn't work like that for us. But it doesn't matter now 'cause as you can see, I've got my own profile now. Hooray.

I'm not trieing to attack anyone nor get in this fight my name is Barry but i do want to place an opinion.
We areselves were not heavily abused you could say but we did go through quite a bit from a very young age (or I'm just in denial AHAHHAHA!). and are system is large it depends

you created as many as you had to

If you are really cassandras friend from the outside world can you please take this argument else where. email or something else.this place is supposed to be a supportive place. it has it's drama but this is a loose support network for some.

If you are an alter that's up to Cassandras T if you have one to help with this denial part.

If you are a friend and just attacking her in a private place where she get's away from the world that is in my eyes wrong.

If Cassandra is a compulsive liar or attention seeker you should be getting her some help for that condition instead of attacking her. there is a reason and a response always. if you are her friend you wouldn't be abusing her on a site.

but there is one things that gets to me when close people around a sufferer go into a deeper denial and cause more harm. it hurts I remember my old host used to cry when we would come and are dad would yell at us why are you using that funny voice stop.
she didn't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we didn't know!!!!!!!!

DID sufferers constantly fight with denial
like us Channelle are host fights denial everyday.

if you are a person from the outside world
YOU AREN'T HELPING WHETHER SHE IS LIEING OR NOT GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!

sorry if this has cause any offence to anyone in anyway!

tomboy24 wrote:I'm done living this lie. It's time to come clean. I can't do this anymore. I can't live my entire life in a lie.

Hi....

I have not read the whole thread, but it's still going on, so I thought I would pop in and see if I could help. So.... the question I assume is... do you have DID?

This is always a good question and one that everyone with DID probably asks themselves.

Instead try asking yourself this. What else could it be besides DID? Remember that DID is simply a label that means that those with this mental disorder have several dissociated parts of their personality that do not function well together and to one extreme of the other feel they are independent from the others.

spanky_spee wrote:If you are really cassandras friend from the outside world can you please take this argument else where. email or something else.this place is supposed to be a supportive place. it has it's drama but this is a loose support network for some.

I'm trying to reach her through this place because this is the one place I know for sure that she goes to consistently. If you don't like it, don't read this thread. In fact, HERE! I'll adjust the stupid title!!

spanky_spee wrote:If you are an alter that's up to Cassandras T if you have one to help with this denial part.

I am NOT an "alter", and Cassandra doesn't have a therapist.

spanky_spee wrote:If you are a friend and just attacking her in a private place where she get's away from the world that is in my eyes wrong.

No offense, but I don't really care what you or anyone else here sees as "wrong". None of you know the full situation or all the options/ways/variations of sh*t that I've tried. All you know is that this is what I'm trying now.

spanky_spee wrote:If Cassandra is a compulsive liar or attention seeker you should be getting her some help for that condition instead of attacking her. there is a reason and a response always. if you are her friend you wouldn't be abusing her on a site.

I've tried to get her help. SHE'S the one who started to destroy this friendship! If she was MY friend, she would've let me help her get help! (Not that she needs help, she just needs to f*#king grow up and face reality). I'm not "abusing" her. I'm trying to get through to her.

spanky_spee wrote:if you are a person from the outside world
YOU AREN'T HELPING WHETHER SHE IS LIEING OR NOT GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!

sorry if this has cause any offence to anyone in anyway!

I like how you say that as if telling me that I'm not helping and to get that through my head wouldn't be offensive to me at all.

Maybe you could try discussing it with Mike?