Advice for having a boyfriend with DID

Hello. I am currently dating my 18 year old boyfriend who has DID. I've known he has had it for sometime now even though we have only been dating three months. He has four main personalities whom I have met. I have been having conflicts with them as of recently because I am dating the Original. I am having trouble coping with the fact that he is no longer the main always. His other personalities have issues with he and I dating. I am having trouble coping with the other sides of him not wanting him and I to date. His other sides each want to date their own people, and I am a bit scared of this. He is going to therapy for this,but he hasn't been talking to his new T about this yet. I want him to talk, because I want to know that someone who knows what they are looking at and talking about. My questions are

Is it ok for him to date more then one person? I'm trying to get the other aspects to like me, but there are certain things that I can't help with (One of the aspects is a bit of a perve, and one is gay). I feel like I need to let him date others, but I am not entirely comfortable with it my self.

Should I be worried that I am not dating the main? I wish I could be dating them all but I once again cannot fill the nitches.

How do I get him to talk to his T about his current situation?

Is there any advice you can give me about dating someone with DID. I've read up on it, but I cannot find anywheres that says what to do if you are with a person with this.

Please and Thank you,

Dreamer.

Hello and welcome! I'm glad you've found this site and hope you find it helpful. I don't have the time to reply as I would like to, but I wanted to let you know that someone was listening. Long story short, I have DID and a boyfriend. While all my alters respect that fact, I also have to respect them. They're a part of me and we all deserve to pursue our own interests/happiness to an extent. My boyfriend, Mike, and I have worked out a system. Whoever wants to date/be with him can, while whoever does not want to simply needs to express that and then give him a notice and they can have a "break". This break lasts for as long as the alter wants, up to 4 months. During this time, the alter is under a type of "don't ask, don't tell" policy with Mike. He won't ask, and they won't tell (this includes bragging or bringing up anything that happened during the break when arguing/fighting, etc). As long as they're safe, honest with the other person (they know it's not a serious relationship or anything), and respect the fact that my boyfriend is the main person we're with, then Mike's ok with it and so am I. When you start trying to keep different parts of you on a leash, it'll just make them want to run away even more. If you give them the freedom they deserve (within reason), then you'll find that yeah, they might run out and explore the open air for a while, but they'll always return to you. When you respect them, they'll respect you. Besides it might also help your boyfriend's alters to see you in a better light. Right now they might look at you as someone that's trapping them, tying them down. If they know that you accept and respect them and their individuality, they might respect you more and might not care if you're dating your boyfriend as much. But I have to go now. I'll return when I can to reply more.

Thank you. I think I understand what you are saying. If I might ask, what should I do if the part i'm dating looses his spot as main? Recently they have become equal, and one of the aspects (a 15 year old gay male) has come out and is starting to be out more. Is it wrong for me to feel that the part i'm dating should be out more (I find he is the most well balanced for dealing with regular life)?

Also is it wrong for me to talk to the other aspects behind my boyfriends back? There are certain things his other aspects have asked me to keep from him (the fact that he has another aspect that isn't necessarily entirely good hiding in the back of his mind but never comes out). My boyfriend has anxiety issues and hates things being kept from him, but if it is something that I need only one aspect to hear, or only the aspects that are not going out side to hear, would that be ok?

There's a lot of variations you can do for a "break" allowance. I'd definitely talk with your boyfriend about this and figure out what guidelines work best for you guys. One thing that should be in there no matter what, though, is making sure the alters don't get into serious relationships with anyone. Whoever they're involved with has to know at least that they're a fling type of thing, if not about the DID as well (I find it's always easier to be blunt sometimes). But that's they're call and depends on what they're comfortable with. (This is your call, but I also prefer making sure there's nothing going on behind my back or my boyfriend's back. All new interests are mentioned to my boyfriend at first up front so that he's aware they exist. Nothing more needs to be shared after that, it's just something to help keep track of everything and make sure no one's hiding anything).

If you feel as though your boyfriend is losing is place as the main, I would speak with him about it. Perhaps his system feels that there should be a new "main", perhaps he hasn't noticed his time out decreasing, perhaps his system is feeling a bit neglected and simply doing it to get attention, you never know. Also, speak out about your opinion on how much time your boyfriend spends out. Let him know the reasons why you think he can handle being out more "better". However, you don't want to be unfair to the rest of him, so maybe you guys can outline a timeline? Perhaps there are certain time periods of the day, or even certain days, that his alters can have to be out? That way everything's shared and balanced. Like, a few hours a day can be used for Alter A, then the next day it's Alter B's turn, stuff like that. And no, it's not wrong for you to feel that way. It just sounds like time needs to be redistributed and balanced is all. But it will help for your boyfriend to know that you think he should be out more, and not just for the reason that you're dating him.

If alters are telling you to keep things from your boyfriend, I would do so unless it is something problematic, such as "I spent his money without him knowing" or something. If they have it blocked from your boyfriend, that means they'll most likely find out if you told him, and they'll be unhappy with you after that. Alters need to share and trust on their own time; if you happen to get caught up in the middle, there's not much you can do about that, and your boyfriend should understand that. If you feel up to it, I would bring up this issue with your boyfriend. Not necessarily telling him that you've already been asked to keep secrets, but asking him his thoughts on this type of situation.

I will try to come back when I'm in a better frame of mind to give my/our answer(s). Just wanted you to know someone is reading

Everdreaming, each and every one of the alters in your boyfriend's system has equal rights to the body. If you want to date just one alter, not the whole system, then you are buying into a time share and I think you must accept that the other alters may establish their own relationships with other people. And those relationships might not be "flings".

I would not recommend keeping secrets between his alters. I recommend that when any of them wants to tell you something on condition that you must not share it with another alter, you simply decline to hear it. This behavior is a kind of betrayal. Also, some alters will be able to listen in, without the other alters knowing it. So you may be stepping into a trap.

Good luck.

i would completely agree with una.
Trust is a big component with d.i.d...Speaking for myself, when im in a relationship many alters will not want to be with that person and will try to even sabotage it. I eventually came to realize trust was a big part of all of that. Many were scared that i would get hurt in some way and it was their own way of protecting, also a way to test my partner to see if they were right for me and i could trust them. One thing i started to become aware of was when my partner started to have their own bond with my alters they lightened up abit and didnt mind him so much. So in your situation how u bond with his alters will be different then him. It might take some time for them to come around but if u want a long lasting relationship bonding will all parts is beneficial otherwise his other parts might develop more then just flings.
and with the secret bit.. since trust is so big with d.i.d keeping secrets with certain alters might not turn out too well in the end for you. of course i think it might depend on what the secret is if its minor probably would be ok. but i would talk to your bf and see what he thinks about that first.

Ok I think I understand. The thing is that he has an entire alter that he doesn't know about. This alter isn't good persay (Not evil, just not good is how the other alters describe him). The other alters keep him under check so he doesn't come out unless my boyfriend is threatened. This alter scares me a bit, but I trust him not to hurt me (I know he won't hurt me unless it was because I was harming my boyfriend). Is it normal to have violent, over protective aspects like this? The reason his other alters don't want me telling is because it some how triggers a sort of break down (I'm not sure if this is the right word) in my boyfriend.

Is it ok for him to date more then one person? [...] I feel like I need to let him date others, but I am not entirely comfortable with it my self

This kind of answers your own question. It is okay for him to date more than one person if it is okay for you and for him and if it's been discussed and everyone is comfortable with it. Just like any plural relationship (meaning more than one partner in more than two bodies here) everyone has to know what is allowed, what is not, what is cheating and what is not et cetera. This is up to you and your boyfriend - no one can tell you nor him what is right for your relationship. But listen to yourself and every part of him in the process

Should I be worried that I am not dating the main? I wish I could be dating them all but I once again cannot fill the nitches.

Again, this is something you have to answer for yourself. My SO is dating me (host, Nin) but is kinda sorta involved with another part of us that is out frequently. This is okay with us but we have strict "guidelines" that we adhere to (and that we stray from, from time to time, when we all agree). You cannot fill every nitch - but with therapy you might find that some of the nitches will disappear or reveal themselves as replaying abuse or similar. I'm not saying it all will, not at all, but maybe some of it. And maybe they'll learn to be comfortable with what you do have to offer and what you're comfortable with yourself. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and talk to them all about what they want and why; how to best help them, and first of all talk to your boyfriend about the aforementioned plural vs not plural, what is okay and not etc. Make sure everyone knows their opinion is being heard, or else you might find yourself with alters that will be upset and try to get you or him to listen.

How do I get him to talk to his T about his current situation?

This has to be done at his own pace. Therapy is about him and I'd be careful about stepping into that arena. It need to be talked about though, so try to talk to him about it why he doesn't want to talk to his T about this, talk about your needs and his needs, see where he's at et cetera. Accept that things will go at their pace in therapy. Does he trust his T yet for instance?

Is there any advice you can give me about dating someone with DID. I've read up on it, but I cannot find anywheres that says what to do if you are with a person with this.

I think the best guide for this is the SO's manual: http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.htm

It is completely normal, and common, for people with DID to have angry, over-protective alters such as the one you describe. Usually, any type of a "break down" is unhelpful, but sometimes you cannot build on weak foundation. If this alter is coming forward to you, it may be time your boyfriend learned of him. If you feel comfortable about it, perhaps discuss the possibility of disclosing his existence to your boyfriend.

Best of luck with everything.

~Rain