The full truth *major Trigger Warning!*

tomboy24 wrote:*song lyrics*

Deep inside these burning buildings
Voices die to be heard
Years we spent teaching a lesson
We ourselves had never learned

And if strength is born from heartbreak
Then mountains I could move
And if walls could speak I'd pray
That they would tell me what to do

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.
Forget my name and I'll forget it too.
Failed attempts at living simple lives, simple lives
Are what keep me coming back to you.

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I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

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You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad

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Thanks.

Can I have a safe hug?

-- Mon Sep 17, 2012 6:46 am --

Ruff! Imma doog!

*pant pant*

*scratch scratch*

Ruff!

*HUGS! SAFE BIG WARM COMFY HUGS!* i'm sorry you feel so bad. i hope you feel better soon.


dog? *sniff, sniff* nother dog? *paces* *whines* who you? what dog? what rank? *sniffs* me ray. *pants*

*song lyrics*

Fall

Oh, look there, you go again, puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that, always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall,
go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine, I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here,
baby fall

Forget about the world tonight, all that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, it's okay

Fall,
go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here,
baby fall

Hold on, hold on
Hold on to me

Fall,
go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here,
baby fall

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([]){<>}()[{}]!

tomboy24 wrote:*HUGS! SAFE BIG WARM COMFY HUGS!* i'm sorry you feel so bad. i hope you feel better soon.


dog? *sniff, sniff* nother dog? *paces* *whines* who you? what dog? what rank? *sniffs* me ray. *pants*

Thanks for the hugz! I likes! Ruffuf!! Fuf! *wags tail*

*jumps* It'sa meee! I like play, I nice and everybodys buddy! *wags tail and barks* Rauh! I like all! I have no rank - Imma a playful tiny puppy-dog! I no scared of you, I like play! Playplay, paly!

Hahhah! How cute. ^_^ We have a dog in our group! Haven't seen him yet. Thanks for the hugs too! I like hugs nowadays... ^^ They calm me down and make me feel loved.

Just make sure you have strict boundaries with him (and we will help him with those aswell), and it'll be fine. He's not too understanding with personal boundaries and needs CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS. We need a dog trainer here...for him! xD

-- Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:27 pm --

tomboy24 wrote:*song lyrics*

Fall

Oh, look there, you go again, puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that, always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall,
go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine, I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here,
baby fall

Forget about the world tonight, all that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, it's okay

Fall,
go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here,
baby fall

Hold on, hold on
Hold on to me

Fall,
go on and fall apart
And fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you
Every time you fall, go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here,
baby fall

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([]){<>}()[{}]!

Thank you. I will need a safe person to be with us when/if we break down to tears and have a full blown panic/ptsd-attack. We can't cope with them alone anymore and we don't even want to! We want to show our pain to someone...so that someone CLEARLY SEES how bad we feel. We hid the rest of the a**se for so long...but not more... It's gonna end now!!! NOW!

And we will stop censorshiping each other. It carried on for way too long...too long (the day we first time started communicating with each other in therapy and outside it!) we have been neglected and asked to 'shut up'... We couldn't even trust our own system!!! Since the a**use kept on going, we had to be silenced...BUT NOT MORE!!!!!! WE ARE DONE WITH THE SILENCE!!!!!! THE TRUTH IS HERE!!!!!! Our therapist knows now...our care coordinator knows parts of that (not that it was r**e but that something bad happened) and we will now start to plan how to make our apartment/home safer for us to be here... So that our a-parents won't try to come here and hurt us...

I feel so good that we finally told about it... I'm scared sh*tless but I'm also SO GLAD!!!!!! <3 No more lies!!! No more hiding int he dark and holding it all in!!! No more!!!!!! Yaaaayyyy!

We're gonna survive!

*song lyrics*

She's gonna make it
And they never will
They're at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
They're sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And they never will

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I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

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Adameil wrote:you a-parents:

There's truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
What you build you lay to waste

This truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take


So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie

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Adameil wrote:I have been asked to 'shut up'.

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I just realized something...

Our therapist hasn't yet replied to our email...

What if she blames herself? What if she had a breakdown and we're gonna meet someone else on wednesday? What if she blames herself for not noticing our symptoms during the therapy? What if she...what if she doesn't want to help us anymore? What if she's mad at us for lying? What if she thinks that we're...we're just making this all up...

What if she thinks that she can't help us anymore? What if she HAD A F***NG BREAKDOWN!!!??? Gosh...I don't need this right now... I just HOPE that this is not it... That she just understands as usually and carries on helping us...

What if she betrays us?

I'm in a REALLY dark place right now...I'm hopeless... I feel very little right now. All I feel is numbness...and shock. Realization...after all this wait... She is not able to help us anymore... What do I do? Nothing...it's not our thing to bother...

I hate this... I just hope that nothing changes... NOTHING changes...

*safe hugs if wanted* Take a deep breath and calm down. It's ok. There could be a ton of reasons for why she hasn't replied to your email yet; it could be she hasn't gotten it, or it could be she's choosing her reply carefully, or it could be she's doing some research before she replies to you, etc. It's not necessarily a bad sign that she hasn't replied yet. I know it's easy to jump to the worst conclusion, especially when you're used to the worst happening, but remember that it's not necessarily true. Try to not get ahead of yourself. I've learned to take this view on life, especially with situations like these: It's not worth worrying about until it's proven worrisome. Kinda like innocent until proven guilty, but with a twist. Try not to worry until there's something to worry about. *more safe hugs if wanted* Help yourself be and remain as calm and safe as possible. Be gentle and kind to yourself right now. Do whatever you can to help yourself feel better whenever possible.

I don't believe she thinks you're lying, and I certainly don't believe she's mad. From what you've said so far, she seems really helpful, and she's believed you until now, so why would that change? I don't think she'd ever think that you're lying.

She might blame herself a bit, but as a therapist, there's always the danger of that, and she should be aware of it. If she has a good head on her shoulders, like she sounds like she does, then she should know how to properly deal with those types of feelings without having it affect your therapy.

Unfortunately, therapists are not the invincible beings they make themselves out to be sometimes, and sometimes a breakdown does happen. But there's no proof of this yet, and unless she seems fragile, there's no reasons for this to be a concern yet. The most I can see happening is her having a SMALL emotional "breakdown" from how sad she would be that you've been hurt like this for so long. (I use the term "breakdown" loosely. Everyone has crying sessions now and then for something that affects them deeply. Therapists are no different). Therapists, especially those that help DID, PTSD, etc patients, are aware that they will receive confessions and revealed facts from their patients. They've accepted that they'll experience these types of things and I'm sure they're prepared to deal with them properly.

If you have to see someone else, I very highly doubt that it would be because she doesn't want to help you anymore. She might feel inadequate to help you, or might think that you'd receive better help from someone else; reasons that are about helping you and making sure that you're getting the help you need. Because that's what she's there for: to help you. Even if that means considering referring you to someone else if she thinks you'll have more/better help. It would certainly not be meant as a betrayal, but an attempt to help you more. But again, there's no proof of this yet and so it's not worth worrying over.

Take care of yourself. Comfort your little parts (as I'm sure they're helping to make you feel little). And try not to worry about this until there's something for sure to worry about. *more safe hugs if wanted* I certainly hope she replies soon. Until then, you're always welcome to talk/vent here, and remember you're not alone. Feel better soon.

-- Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:39 pm --

Adameil wrote:
Thanks for the hugz! I likes! Ruffuf!! Fuf! *wags tail*

*jumps* It'sa meee! I like play, I nice and everybodys buddy! *wags tail and barks* Rauh! I like all! I have no rank - Imma a playful tiny puppy-dog! I no scared of you, I like play! Playplay, paly!

*shy wag**sniff, sniff* me not scary. omega. me omega in pack. me pack dog. husky. me part husky. *sniffs**whines* puppy? what kind? *paws at head* *shy wag*

tomboy24 wrote:*safe hugs if wanted* Take a deep breath and calm down. It's ok. There could be a ton of reasons for why she hasn't replied to your email yet; it could be she hasn't gotten it, or it could be she's choosing her reply carefully, or it could be she's doing some research before she replies to you, etc. It's not necessarily a bad sign that she hasn't replied yet. I know it's easy to jump to the worst conclusion, especially when you're used to the worst happening, but remember that it's not necessarily true. Try to not get ahead of yourself. I've learned to take this view on life, especially with situations like these: It's not worth worrying about until it's proven worrisome. Kinda like innocent until proven guilty, but with a twist. Try not to worry until there's something to worry about. *more safe hugs if wanted* Help yourself be and remain as calm and safe as possible. Be gentle and kind to yourself right now. Do whatever you can to help yourself feel better whenever possible.

I don't believe she thinks you're lying, and I certainly don't believe she's mad. From what you've said so far, she seems really helpful, and she's believed you until now, so why would that change? I don't think she'd ever think that you're lying.

She might blame herself a bit, but as a therapist, there's always the danger of that, and she should be aware of it. If she has a good head on her shoulders, like she sounds like she does, then she should know how to properly deal with those types of feelings without having it affect your therapy.

Unfortunately, therapists are not the invincible beings they make themselves out to be sometimes, and sometimes a breakdown does happen. But there's no proof of this yet, and unless she seems fragile, there's no reasons for this to be a concern yet. The most I can see happening is her having a SMALL emotional "breakdown" from how sad she would be that you've been hurt like this for so long. (I use the term "breakdown" loosely. Everyone has crying sessions now and then for something that affects them deeply. Therapists are no different). Therapists, especially those that help DID, PTSD, etc patients, are aware that they will receive confessions and revealed facts from their patients. They've accepted that they'll experience these types of things and I'm sure they're prepared to deal with them properly.

If you have to see someone else, I very highly doubt that it would be because she doesn't want to help you anymore. She might feel inadequate to help you, or might think that you'd receive better help from someone else; reasons that are about helping you and making sure that you're getting the help you need. Because that's what she's there for: to help you. Even if that means considering referring you to someone else if she thinks you'll have more/better help. It would certainly not be meant as a betrayal, but an attempt to help you more. But again, there's no proof of this yet and so it's not worth worrying over.

Take care of yourself. Comfort your little parts (as I'm sure they're helping to make you feel little). And try not to worry about this until there's something for sure to worry about. *more safe hugs if wanted* I certainly hope she replies soon. Until then, you're always welcome to talk/vent here, and remember you're not alone. Feel better soon.

-- Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:39 pm --

Hi tomboy24.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me realize how things go. It helped me so much...I can't even say how much!

I just received a short reply from our therapist and she UNDERSTOOD and said thank you for our trust! A huge f***ng boulder just rolled off from our shoulders... A HUGE F***NG ONE!!! She is so very careful with us and the replies so I think that she indeed had to think for a while what to write. And probably dealt with her reaction as you said in your reply... I'm really trying to (still) not worry about HER because I know that she knows how strong we are... And that we can go through tons of sh*t without not being able to function... I'm sure she knows how strong we are! But she has to do what she has to do... We are not taking care of adult outsiders anymore (we try to stop that!) so whatever she has in her head, happens there and not in ours. We worry wayyyyy to much about the well being of people that ARE HELPING us... So many f***ng times have we received death threats towards ourselves and towards our loved/closed ones...no more. They can't go around killing people without it AFFECTING THEM SOMEHOW!!! You can't hide murder too well...especially if people talk to each other and KNOW THE SITUATION!!!

I went to change my cell phone number yesterday and only gave it to close friends. No relatives or even my sisters got it... NO ONE but our friends we trust and our care coordinator/therapist. And it's also undisclosed so there's NO legitimate way for them to find it out. Unless someone gives it to them... But one of my closest friends also has undisclosed number so she's fine...won't be bothered by them.

I try not to fear so much...but it means that I have TALK ABOUT MY FEARS! And tell my care coordinator (as one part yesterday seemingly wrote about it!) how afraid I am of them hurting me again... We are now planning ways to keep them the h*ll out of our life!!!

tomboy24 wrote:

Adameil wrote:
Thanks for the hugz! I likes! Ruffuf!! Fuf! *wags tail*

*jumps* It'sa meee! I like play, I nice and everybodys buddy! *wags tail and barks* Rauh! I like all! I have no rank - Imma a playful tiny puppy-dog! I no scared of you, I like play! Playplay, paly!

*shy wag**sniff, sniff* me not scary. omega. me omega in pack. me pack dog. husky. me part husky. *sniffs**whines* puppy? what kind? *paws at head* *shy wag*

Me WOLF! Arrrarff! Many fear me... Ruff... But me not scary... Me just want to play and be happygoluckydoggy! *whines* Me lonely... *sniffs carefully* Me hurt... *whines*

Hi...

My name is Frisco... I am 12. I am colour blind. I have hard time playing puzzles and colouring...I do silly colours and many laughed to me when I tried to colour...

Are we in trouble now? Usually people that write here are done with their a***se... We had it going on for so long... I feel that we don't belong here... That we should find another place because our case is so fresh and new... Our pain is too close to the nowaday moments so we should just walk away... We are not welcome here if we have so fresh pain in our body and mind!

We are w***s... We were born as one and we will d**e as one... Our crazy monsterparents said so... Why does it hurt so much? Are we really to blame of the a***e? If we have told earlier, we would have less new and fresh pain in our hands...and we would be more welcomed here... But now we are victims fresh ones and it hurts... We are not welcome here... We should go find a rock and live under it... I feel so ashamed... So ashamed to tell all this...that we told this... Why does our therapist/she understand us? Why doesn't she blame us and be mad at us? Everyone else has been...blaming and neglecting us... Why doesn't she do so? Have I done something wrong?

Am I wrong? Do I even exist anymore? Am I real? Is my pain real and is this not our fault but the peoples' that hurt us? I feel so ashamed...and feel guilt so much...

And there's 3000 of us... At least. I think... There's too many of us to fit in here... We are not like you guys...we are freaks and monsters who should be burned at stake like witches... I like witches...they could make themselves invincible and not be hurted... I can make myself invincible... I'm a witch then I think. Wheee!


My b**t hurts... I'm 6... She's my friend. We hang together in the system... Her name is Baby.

Hi Frisco and Baby.

I'm so sorry you're all in so much pain. I wish I could help, but I'm not sure how to. All I can say is that things get better with time and therapy. And you are all welcome here - I don't know how many alters everyone here has but I know there are several who are poly-fragmented (over 100 parts, I believe that is) and there are definitely more people here than you (all) who have been traumatized in a shorter time-frame... Us for one. We have been traumatized several times in the time that we have been on here. This forum is for people who want to heal and get (and/or give) support - and you want that. That is all that matters I hope this can help at least a tiny bit.