The full truth *major Trigger Warning!*

Hi.

I remember now. I remember what happened to us during the years of 15-24. To this very day. The abuse didn't stop at the age of 14 - it continued. The last time I WAS RAPED by our a-dad, WAS LAST YEAR WHEN WERE 23. The last rape happened only some months ago.

I need to call the cops...I need to get help...I need to tell this to my therapist, I CAN'T HIDE IT ANY LONGER!!!!!!

After the age of 14, starting from 15...the abusers started to systematically turn the truth into lies. They said after each rape that: "it never happened - you're just crazy and imagined it all. Go back to sleep and dream nice dreams. It never happened. We are not the monsters. You are just mentally incapable of realizing what is the truth."

The truth!!!??? I WAS RAPED UNTIL THE AGE OF 23!!!!!!! Only after I have cut all the contacts to our a-parents, did the RAPES STOP!!!!!!!!

What do I do!!!!????? What can I do now!!!!???? I can't believe this...we were raped just few months ago... What the hell is wrong with me...!!!!???? I need to call the cops!!!!!!! I WANT THOSE MONSTERS BEHIND THE ######6 BARS!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT DO I DO!!!!???? They-they-they...they said that it never happened, thatthathtat I just imagined it all, that we imagined it all...why didn't i fight back...why id didn'ta,b tfigth...

I need to see a doctor too...if i'm gokay... i can't believe this...i want od die...

help me eplseag...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also it seems that many of our parts have been having sexual relationships with random people!!!!!!! what the ###$ is goin on...? Am i getting crazy or is this just a dram? a bad dream?

what is goign on? who am I? When am I? where am I? when has this happened? WHAT THE ###$ IA GOING ON!!!!!!!??????? WHO AM I!!!!!??????

i want to die...

I cut herrr...

I cut herrr good...her legs look good in bloooddd...

Wellcomme to my worrlllddd...my chilllld. Will you hide these scars frommm the care coordinator or willl you learrrnnn to assk fo hellpp? Will youu jussst bottle upp these feelinggss, the crimmeee untill it blowwsss upp? Or will you learrrn to change your perceptionnn? WILL YOUUU, MY DEARRRRR?

CUTTER. That is my name. And I will kill her...if I need to...in order to end thisss. If she doesn't tellll, I will kill herrrr... That she wasss raped just few monttthhhsss ago... Enjoyyy your painnn my dearrr... You are alone nowww...or do you finallyy start to tallllk to me? Or will youuuu and yourrrr partssss keep denyinnnggg the truthhh and my existance?????

The balll issss in yourrr handdssss. My dear...Adameil. Soon to not be.

Don't make me cut you more...my precioussss.

Cutter, please don't hurt Adameil! I guess you want to sort of help her to tell about the bad things, but it's not a healthy way to do it. She deserves help and support instead of more hurt. All of you do.

*Possible Trigger*
Cutter, I'm not you. I'm not where you are, I'm not dealing with the sh*t you are, I get that. But you're in the wrong here. It seems right now, I know, I f*#king get it, but in the long run you'll learn you're wrong. I used to do this sh*t too. I'd cut her, beat her, whip her with thick necklace chains, all that sh*t. I kept telling myself I was tryin' to open her f*#king eyes, I was tryin' to make her realize sh*t, I was teaching her lessons she needed to learn, all that sh*t. And yeah, I might've been teaching her some lessons, but she learned 'em the wrong f*#king way because bathing the host in blood isn't the right way to reach them or get your point across or anything like that. All I ended up doing was creating a paranoid, pathetic creature who tried to not upset anyone and bends over f*#king backward for everyone. Why? All 'cause I made her scared of the threat of me makin' her bleed if she f*#ked up and wouldn't f*#king listen. And now she overthinks every little f*#king thing, she worries constantly about herself/us, she does anything to avoid upsetting people, she's just f*#king pathetic. And I made her that way. I was trying to open her eyes, wake her up, and make her tough. I wasn't trying to make her pathetic. But that's what happened 'cause there's better ways than hurting the host to get your point across.

Besides, what right do you have to do this? What right to you think you have to decide whether she lives or dies? What makes you supposedly f*#king better than her or anyone else? Adameil and the others have just as much of a right to live and be heard just like you. Just because you're not getting attention doesn't give you the right to act out like a child. Stop being so high and f*#king mighty, it won't get you anywhere and it'll only cause drama, stress, and pain to people who don't deserve it. You might think they do, but they don't. Not any more than you do. You're all equal, you're all in this together, let's all play nice in the sandbox, alright? You're not a f*#king monster, you've just learned to act like one 'cause of all the bullsh*t you've been through. There's no need for you to do this bullsh*t. You're better than that.

There's other sh*t you can do to get attention and get your point across. Break something that's not too valuable (like a plate or a cup). It feels pretty f*#king good to shatter sh*t. Just don't go f*#king up windows and mirrors, 'cause that's just not cool. Stab a pillow instead of her. Hell, even get yourself a doll to stab if you want (not any doll of her's, get your own). I had a stuffed dog that I stabbed the absolute sh*t out of. Felt good. If you like the red color, get some fake blood packets, or draw on her with red marker, or pour something like red punch or tomato juice or something down her legs/arms/wherever you'd want to see blood. Write on her body in sharpie. I used to do that to get Cassandra's attention. Doesn't wash off fast so it gets noticed. Just don't do some lowlife sh*t like writing on her face or something. Rip up paper, or cardboard, like old boxes, or hell even old clothes. Having to actually put effort into tearing something up feels great. Snap a rubber band worn around your wrist, or, f*#k, even use a safety pin to scratch/cut her. It still leaves marks, it can draw blood, but it's not dangerous and you won't be f*#king yourself/her up. Draw pictures and leave them out where she can see them, write down sh*t and leave it out for her, 'course I guess you kinda just did that right now. But see, you didn't think about that. All you had to do was post on here for her to notice you. You didn't have to cut her up too. Maybe you can do that in the future, too. Just f*#king post on here, you'll be heard and noticed. You get the picture. Figure out sh*t that works for you, take a step forward instead of backwards, and realize you don't need to resort to this sh*t to get your point across.

I hope you decide to grow past this supposed monster you're trying to be. At least take solace in the fact that you've been heard and noticed now. And Cutter, if nothing else...let her live for me... Adameil's a strong, amazing f*#king person, and if she fought through all that sh*t just to die when she was on her way to living, I think I'd f*#king snap. You probably don't care, but just wanted to try to give you a reason to let her live. I...want her to live. So...please. Don't hurt her and other people in the process. You don't need to do this to have me listen, at least.

-KAT

Hi all.

I...noticed the cuts. Cutter left some notes on the washing machine for me to notice... It scared the sh*t out of me...to see those notes and how much anger she carries inside...

I understand her anger...she has been hiding the rest of the a*use for so long...even when we've been in here, safe place with care coordinators, the a*use happened...twice. Now it's not happening again because we cut the contacts to them...

I just feel like a damaged goods now... I had to turn my friend's photo away from me because I thought that I don't deserve to have friends... After been hurt in so many ways I STILL carry the blame and shame. It doesn't f*king make sense...why am I to blame? The r*pists are the ones who are DAMAGED GOODS!!!!! I get it... But the fact that we haven't TOLD ANYONE!!!!!!! I feel so miserable that we couldn't tell about it...that we just chose to be silent...we were badly manipulated to stay silent and that "it never happened" but IT DID HAPPEN!!!!!!!

It's true KAT. I'm becoming quieter and more "forgiving" and I don't see when things are amiss... That I'm not supposed to be hurt that I DESERVE BETTER!!!!!! I just couple days noticed that when new parts surfaced - amongst with Cutter. I'm really disappointed to myself that I finally cut...that Cutter finally did it...we've been without that sh*t for years!!! But it did draw my attention to the problem... She only had to do it ONCE and I realized that I can't keep my eyes shut. I have to accept the trauma and r*pe and talk about it...

See? It DID work. I don't want to hurt or kill her KAT... I did clean her wounds (they were mainly scratches with minimum amount of blood) and stopped being a scary monster - as you put it. O.o But I'm not a monster. I can be if I'm not being listened!!!!!! All I want is this abuse to END!!!!!!!! And that those b*stards are put behind the bars... Yeahyeah, I know! I could've done it with a sharpie or red marker but yeah... >.> It was my best bet at the moment. So I did it. That's the truth and all. But I won't do it again...unless the trauma is put behind again. I want it to see the daylight!!!!!

We're now trying to make the weaker parts, way too forgiving parts, stronger and realize that they don't deserve all the hurt and pain they have gone through!

Yeeaahh... That thing before? It was me who had those relationships with those...people... >.> But I can assure you that it was ONLY TWO PEOPLE! A man and the other one was woman. I had the woman just for you, you know...? Since you're lesbian and all... But that man was for me... We did use protection, don't worry about that! It was nice but...many parts wanted to cut afterwards and cried... I'm sorry I did that... I just...couldn't handle myself... When I see a man that's wanting to have s*x with me, I just can't refuse...even if it would hurt others... I remember that it's RIGHT THING TO DO... To have s*x with men and not with women...even if I am lesbian too...

Oh, maybe it was more than two people... Maybe it was more...or maybe I controlled myself and carried on the evening with our friends. Friends are good you know? They stop me from doing stupid things...stop ME from doing stupid things... Yeaah...I'm, I'm no proud of that... But that's how I've learned to behave...to act...and to be... I'm sorry... But I was very careful and I bought condoms! Yeah, maybe forgot them few times... You should go and check yourself, you know? I mean...after all the in*est a*use and all...we are pretty much damaged down there...scar tissue you know? Plenty of it... Don't know if we are able to feel anything down there again...

I'm sorry...but I just wanted to be heard...and accepted even if I do STUPID THINGS!!! Don't we all deserve to be loved? To trusted? We have helped you so much... It's time to stop thinking that 'what we do - defines us.' It doesn't define us... It doesn't. What we ARE INSIDE - defines us... Not what we do...

I'm SO STUPID!!!!! All this wouldn't have happened if I'D PAY MORE ATTENTION TO MY PARTS!!!!!!! And stop neglecting and refusing to listen to them... Some parts are masters at that...pushing other parts away until they explode from anger and start acting badly... And as you can see (talking to my parts here!), DID IT HELP!!!!??? DID IT HELP ANYONE TO NOT LISTEN TO OUR IMPORTANT AND DEAR PARTS!!!!!!!???? DID IT!!!!!?????

No......

Crisis in the system... This is gonna take a while to fix...and to learn new ways to cope with parts and anxiety and sh*t... I need to fix this...I need to make ALL OF OUR PARTS to understand that we CAN'T BLOCK other parts just because what they carry is too much!!! Of course we can't get traumatized again - that's important - but it's also important that things like these...don't happen again. Gosh...

I don't CARE about OUR REPUTATION!!!!!! It doesn't matter...if people want to think that we're sex-driven lunatics, then LET THEM THINK SO!!!!!! They don't know that we are VICTIMS!!!!!!

F**K!!!!!!!

Update.

I just sent an email to my therapist regarding the r*pes at the beginning of this year.

I feel terrible...but super light at the same time... I feel that we are gonna stop being hurt now. I know that she takes this seriously...she doesn't blame us. She knows how hard it is...

I hope that she replies first thing in the Monday... I feel better...

I finally told about it. No one knew about that...no one knew about the a*use we endured as we were 15-23 years old.

Why did I let it continue? Why didn't I stop it? Why...?

I want this pain to end and that our sad story is being heard.

Wow. I can't respond at length now but I want you to know you have been heard.

Una+ wrote:Wow. I can't respond at length now but I want you to know you have been heard.

Thanks Una+...

I need to be heard so badly...! I don't want Cutter to start cutting again...

*song lyrics*

Deep inside these burning buildings
Voices die to be heard
Years we spent teaching a lesson
We ourselves had never learned

And if strength is born from heartbreak
Then mountains I could move
And if walls could speak I'd pray
That they would tell me what to do

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.
Forget my name and I'll forget it too.
Failed attempts at living simple lives, simple lives
Are what keep me coming back to you.

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I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

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You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad

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