Is this normal in the DID world?

Hi everyone,

For the past 7 hours I have been reviewing video-taped sessions & discovered that my T will talk every now & again to me as though I am not myself but different alters who are not yet named. I feel like me during these times, I look like me during these times & nothing seems amiss, at least to me & I think also to the person I am viewing on the video. The thing is, I honest to Pete do not know/feel/experience myself (who is typing this) to be different or even the same as the person who is on the video. We never seem to know one way or the other & can never seem to answer ANY of our T's questions no matter who is out. It's like nobody knows anything....ever. I know we're not lying. Seriously, nobody knows anything. He seems to know stuff though, so, I challenge him with, "OK then who am I?" but we never seem to get anywhere.

I want to get somewhere. I am so tired of this therapy ruled life. Can't seem to function safely for very long without it so I keep going, at least most of the time. No matter what, I always feel like me yet I don't know who I am. Also true is this statement: When I'm on the couch, I always feel like me but when I get home & watch the video, I never know that girl. Does this sound familiar to anyone? And, does anyone else video tape or audio tape their sessions? If so, how do you respond when you see the undeniable truth? So confused, anything will be helpful & appreciated...Sotrsab

It sounds like you are experiencing severe depersonalization, possibly with some identity alteration.

In the videos does your T seem to be talking with the person sitting there on the couch? Or do they both seem to be talking past each other?

During the sessions are you having the subjective experience that your T is talking to someone else? Is your T talking to you, or to someone else? Where are you?

una+, you raise some interesting questions...

You asked..."In the videos does your T seem to be talking with the person sitting there on the couch? Or do they both seem to be talking past each other?"

He is definitely in tune to every facial twitch, every eyebrow raised & every body movement & he knows when a switch takes place. I am beginning to believe & to accept that he knows so way more about me than I think---like I gave info to him unknowingly. I HATE THIS ABOUT ME!!! I just learned re-watching the last 8 vids in a row, as myself, that I had to have deleated at least one very descriptive vid bc we talked about the prior session but the prior session contained no such information. I keep (seemingly) sabotaging the system & I do not know how to make it stop.

**TW** hospital forced body check

I am going to try to be kind but I am miserable & in pain. I just don't see a way out for me. I can't go into a hospital bc they don't understand the pain that trauma survivers hold inside & they force body checks & cavity searches & I just soon slice my neck deeply & with purpose. I want sometimes to go in so I can feel safe for a tiny bit & get a rest from it all but not when some BITCH makes you take your close off like the MFB did to get his jollies. AUHGGHHHJH!!!

-- Fri Sep 14, 2012 11:54 am --

sorry...'clothes'. Anyway, I could use a lullabye

Perhaps you deleted a video. Or, perhaps you are experiencing some amnesia, perhaps even some lost time, while watching the videos. I know that has happened to me. One slideshow I watched 3 or 4 times before I ever saw one particular frame that was a trigger for me. When I saw it I was totally shocked.

Sotrsab wrote:I can't go into a hospital bc they don't understand the pain that trauma survivers hold inside & they force body checks & cavity searches

Is that really true? What hospital does that?

I can tell you are having a rough day. Please get off the computer for a while. Why not do one of your favorite self-care activities?

Yes, this does sound very familiar to me. This is what would happen to me when I would switch, but before I ever started to lose time.

My system was designed to hide, like a lot of systems were. Mine could not afford to call any attention to itself, and that included switching. So, to not have me freaking out about black-outs and to not have an obvious switch in front of anyone (like my family), what my alters did when a switch happened was simply put me in the "passenger seat". (I often think of my body like a car). The alter who was "out" would "drive" the body while I'd sit in the background, still being able to see, hear, and know everything that was going on, but I wasn't in control. I also didn't know who I was, either.

Before I started recognizing my alters as being more than voices, before they had names and even for some time after they had names, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I "lost control" sometimes. I still felt like me, I still knew everything that was happening, but then suddenly I'd be left going "wait, did that really just happen? was that really me? I'm not like that... am I?". The most difference I'd feel is a surge of emotion or something. Like with Kat, I'd feel a surge of rage. With Rain, I'd feel a surge of calmness and clear thinking. With L.C., I'd feel a surge of apathy and nothing could faze me. But other than that, I still felt like me, but when I'd look back on the memory, I wouldn't recognize how I'd act, or talk, or what I'd do. Like when I first majorly stood up to my dad (it was really Kat standing up to him for me), I replayed what had happened in my mind afterwards and thought "I don't yell like that. I don't swear at my dad like that. I swore at my dad! I don't do that. Who was that person? Am I really like that?".
It took a bit for switches to progress. For the most part, I think I was left "up front" but in the background because it helped my alter pretend to be me, which helped them to hide. At first they'd use my voice and not much about them would change except facial expressions and how they'd interact with people and react to things/people. Later on, as switching progressed, how they would walk/stand changed as well, but they would still use my voice (except Kat, who would sometimes use her voice when fighting with my dad). This is when I started getting pushed further into the background for switches. I'd still be there, watching and knowing what was going on, but when I'd be back in control and would try to remember what just happened, all I could really remember was the emotion attached to the memory. Like when Kat would fight my dad, all I would remember clearly is that we fought and that I felt a surge of rage and anger. I couldn't really tell you what was said or done, all that stuff would be blurry/fuzzy, but I knew what was going on at the time it happened. (So, by now I was experiencing "emotional memory").

I don't know if that's what's happening with you or not, but it's an idea. Una+ could be on the right track too, with you experiencing extreme depersonalization with possible identity alteration. I would definitely look into that possibility. You could have depersonalization with DDNOS, which would make sense, because it could mean that your alters aren't fully separated, and so it'd be really hard to tell who was out and when and stuff. (But I'm not a therapist so take this with a grain of salt, I'm just listing ideas that might be good to look in to).

As far as "getting somewhere", I'm sure a lot of people here understand that feeling. (I know that since I'm not in therapy, I sure feel like I'm getting nowhere sometimes). The road might be long and tough, but it'll be worth it in the end. Sometimes, you might not feel like you're getting anywhere, but just like any traveler walking down a road, especially a tough one, you'll need to stop and rest at times. Just try to stay strong and remember that after you reach the end of this tough, thorn-filled road, you'll be walking on a nice, smooth, paved road where it's smooth sailing (except for the occasional speed bump, of course).

Is there any way you can discuss the hospital issue with your therapist? Maybe you can get a note or even ask your therapist to escort you to help you bypass the body searches and everything? Or is there any way you could have your therapist with you during the body search, and could it be done with a nurse of a gender you're most comfortable with and only one nurse?

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. -hugs if wanted- I hope things get better soon, and that you feel better as well.

*song lyrics*

Get Up

I'm not afraid to fall
it means i climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
you fail when you don't try
Not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine


If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

But we'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly


I'm not afraid to fall
and here I told you so
Don't want to rock the boat
but I just had to know
Just a greener side
or can I touch the sky?
But either way I will have tried


If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 30th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb
Not afraid to fall
I know I'll fall again
But I will win this in the end


If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

Una+ wrote:Perhaps you deleted a video. Or, perhaps you are experiencing some amnesia, perhaps even some lost time, while watching the videos. I know that has happened to me. One slideshow I watched 3 or 4 times before I ever saw one particular frame that was a trigger for me. When I saw it I was totally shocked.

I had to laugh at this Una+. Before I began videotaping my sessions, I audiotaped then. There was one particular session that I must have listened to a dozen times before I heard a child part tell my T, "Don't tell (my birth name)". Wow was that ever weird.

**Possible TW**
You quoted me: "I can't go into a hospital bc they don't understand the pain that trauma survivers hold inside & they force body checks & cavity searches" & asked if that were really true. It was for me. Last visit was horrible. I was in a room with a male & a female nurse. The male sat at a desk & drew marks every place on a piece of paper depicting a female's body that the female nurse told him I had cut or otherwise self injured. I felt humiliated & further traumatized. I was crying & I kept begging them to stop. Then I was threatened that if I didn't comply they would go get someone who would "make me" comply.
**End TW**

I can't believe that this can be allowed. When ppl suffer childhood sexual traumas this is a huge trigger. You think they would know this in a psych ward. But, apparently, they don't. This is an earlier post on hospital searches:
search.php

tomboy24 - Thanks. You explained this really, really well. This is exactly how it feels for me. I actually feel better - like there's a reason things are happening. I'm not losing my mind & I'm not alone. Understanding one's self is key for me. It takes away the fear, at least for me, so this explanation of your system's history is so appreciated. I can't tell you how much it has helped.

Sotrsab wrote:There was one particular session that I must have listened to a dozen times before I heard a child part tell my T, "Don't tell (my birth name)". Wow was that ever weird.

Yes. Rather like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sotrsab wrote:I felt humiliated & further traumatized.

So would anyone, I think. What they did to you was horrible. What about cavity searches? Did they do that to you too? Not all hospitals are like that, though.

You are not losing your mind and you are not alone. I feel I could have written what tomboy24 wrote. My system is so similar to the way hers was, with heavy use of passive influence. I hope that I can skip the phase where there is a lot of lost time!

Hang in there!

Thanks Una+.
I had to Google Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind bc I hadn't heard of it. Sounds like a very interesting concept. I'm going to watch it next time I need to escape.

No on tha cavity search - thank God! I would have really lost it. Just having to stand there for inspection was bad enough. They did force a blood & urine test & forced me into a room upon arrival that had straps on the bed. They thought I was on drugs I guess bc of all the switching - even though they were aware of the DID. So, I scooped water into the pee pan just to screw with them...

Feeling much better today. Thanks for your help. This forum is so helpful!

In this old thread, the OP, Sotrsab, as well as tomboy24 describe what I might be going through. I am thankful for this thread.

I am concerned that since my husband is not that interested in recognizing this stuff and my therapist's experience with multiples is limited that it is going to be almost impossible for me to sort this out. My therapist and I recently discussed periods in the past when she suspected I might not be the same me, so I guess she is starting to figure it out. I wonder what I can do to help this process with my therapist.

I have been feeling like a jumbled mess these days.