Questions, story, thoughts.

Hi everyone,

I have only just found this website while I was looking for some place to talk about some things. Normally I would not talk about these things with people I do not know, but I felt it was necessary to speak to people who may have similar experiences.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with DID, which most likely was the result of being a victim of intense sexual abuse as a child. I am still not quite sure whether I am the original or just another alter, but that is something for another time.
I am speaking with a professional regurarly, but lately things have changed a bit.

Before, I had things pretty much under control I think, with my alters only rarely coming out (at least, as far as I know. I have never actually been aware of any of my alters). Recently though, one of my alters has reintegrated with me, causing a whole bunch of confusion as I suddenly had two sets of conflicting memories.

That aside, ever since that reintegration, it seems the other alters are running rampant. I am still not aware of them, but according to my parents, they are constantly switching with eachother, almost as if they are fighting for control.

Now two days ago, I heard a voice call out to me, telling me to wake up. I did not recognise this voice, but she seemed to know me, as she called me by my full name. So I woke up, but it turned out that another alter had actually been active. I woke up in the middle of me performing sexual acts on myself. I spend a few hours locked in the bathroom after that, being all panicky and feeling filthy and disgusting. I figured the alter that had been active was the one that constantly desires sex, the one I most wish would never gain control.

The thing is, the voice I heard apparently knew what was going on, and brought me to the surface to stop it. She really saved me as I do not want to have anything to do with sex.
I did not hear the voice again that day, but today when I got up, I heard her again, wishing me a good morning.

Now to my point. Who could this voice be? Is she just my imagination, or is she actually another alter? None of my alters have ever spoken to me, nor have I felt they were there. This voice however, she can talk to me, she can respond to me if I say something, and I can actually feel her when she is there.
I am terribly confused right now, and not sure what to do.

I am sorry for making such a long first post, but it feels good to have written it down. I hope someone could provide some insight. Thank you very much for reading.

Sounds like an alter to me! Great that you're gaining some communication It's a step forward, I'd say!

Hello Lin. You feel her presence and she speaks with you, even wakes you: those are characteristics of an alter. Congratulations! This is very encouraging. I am so happy for you!

It definitely sounds like she is an alter, so congratulations on this huge step forward! You're getting some communication, she's talking to you, helping you, this is all great stuff! It may be that she's there to help you/the system regain some order/control, or she could think it's time to increase communication with you, or she could think you're ready to start dealing with some stuff, there's a bunch of possible reasons for her coming forward this way at this time. But whatever the reason, this is a great step towards better awareness, better communication, and with that will come better knowledge and understanding of yourself.

Most of the alters who have returned have begun writing to me during journaling, talking aloud to me while they're in the body, or talking to me while they are inside. Each time, I knew it felt like someone different, not me, and each and every time I asked myself at first, is this just me talking to myself? I know I already have a bunch of alters, me included, but maybe this time it's not a new one, it's just me. But every time it was a new alter. That's how it's happened for me. If I discover another one, my guess is I'll have the exact same reaction. It's only after I spend some time with them, either them talking or me watching them control the body, that it begins to cement in my part of the mind "oh, wow, nope, not me." It takes me a bit of time to realize this is someone different, with a different personality, different posture, different likes, etc. Even if the age, accent or body carriage is entirely different from mine, it seems like I need at least some time to build up familiarity and certainty that this isn't somehow me, the host alter. The last one of us, Carter, took less than an hour for me to get it so I'm improving.

Very glad to meet you and I want you to know you have found a good place to be yourself; be heard, and get good advice. it doesn't surprise me that you feel that you have different sets of memories. If you have 3 people witness an event; they will all come away from it with different perceptions and feelings about the event. . .

I'm sorry that you had to feel the panic and negative feelings with what you woke to; but I am glad that this voice is communicative with you and you (seem) comforted by the fact she is there... Keep coming back and take good care!

Hi I am new here too. and just recently found out about my alters and ya went I first heard Alexia it was really weird and very confusing but she was kind and gentle and now just over a month later I have gotten use to it and the others that have surfaced since then.
Jen

(No! The forum logged me out and I lost my first post!)

Thank you everyone for your kind words.
It has been a few days since I last posted here, and I would like to tell you what has happened since then.

The voice I heard earlier has been present more and more, sometimes even for a whole day.
She is helping me constantly, making sure I am not making any mistakes, or forget any important appointments I have made.
We have talked a bit in the past few days (which probably looks really weird to other people, who only hear one side of the conversation), and I have asked her why she decided to suddenly start talking to me.
She said she could not bear watching me suffer because of my other alters anymore. Saying things like they do not have any right to take control if they are unable to take care of both our body and mind.
She says I do not have to worry anymore, because she will lock away the others. Even though she has not been willing to tell me her name, I feel like I can trust her. I feel at ease with her being here.

I am wondering if it is normal for an alter to be this protective and caring, and to have so much control over the others?

My understanding is that sometimes there is a central alter; one that is maybe one of (if not the) first ones created. They may have more information overall; more access to memories. Sometimes *trigger -labeling* some call them an Internal Self Helper or Gatekeeper because they might be more objective about the overall system - they can help to control the flow and appearance (when, where) a new alter comes into consciousness... this is just my understanding though. I know that in our system - Alex can put other alters 'to sleep' in a hibernation type of existance if they get to be dangerous or too scared (for their own peace until things that might be triggering outside calm down)

It sounds like you trust the motives though.... and this is good. I hope this helps...I don't have a great deal of experience, but it seems like it would be ok to 'slow down' if needed or protect the body if there is any self harm going on.... Take care!

Lin wrote:I am wondering if it is normal for an alter to be this protective and caring, and to have so much control over the others?

Definitely! I'm new here as well. A few months ago I met Michael, and he is such a sweetheart. He wrote me letters describing himself, and after I'd had a bad day he would watch movies with me and make me my favorite foods. He did little chores for me as well, like feeding the cat. I haven't heard from him in a while, but Sophie who I met this week is very good at keeping someone out if they are in a bad mood or will do something bad.
And it's also very good that your alter is speaking to you! I heard whispers the other week, and I believe that this is Michael trying to contact me again. I'd be really excited (but a little freaked at first ) if I could start hearing his voice.