*TW* Helping fearful/angry parts

Hey everyone, I know I'm not often able to contribute, but I appreciate this forum and all of it's members who are brave enough to post very much, and those that are struggling and find solace in the advice here. There is some talk about specific parts and some about abusers.

Some seriously nasty flashbacks tonight, being influenced heavily as well. It was triggered by the appearance of someone directly connected to the abuse when the body was a child. Jon wont let me talk about much of the specifics so this is difficult, todd wanted to write something but jon stuffed him inside for trying. I have been out front since this trigger happened. Jon, is in hyper vigilant mode mode right now. He has been very opposed to most of my interest in this forum from the beginning, or me talking about details of anything related to the abuse, which is why I'm not able to post often. I think because he holds control over most of the memories associated with that stuff. It hurts him and we all get flashbacks when he is triggered by it, normally he blocks pain. But right now physically my body hurts badly and writing is not going fast.-fox

yOU CAN'T TALK about it he will find us.
I saw the look in their eyes when they recognized me. I know that they know what happened and hid the truth, they want to keep hiding it.-jon


This is the what jon is saying to me, he has felt for a long time that it will invite doom if we talk about any of this because our abusers want this body dead and are hunting us. I dont know how to do this when he keeps erasing anything he doesn't like seeing. The contact with this person who was connected to the abuse confirmed a fear of jons that the original abusers are not dead and are still in the city we live in. It took months of therapy for him to not have him take control of the body at bedtime and stay awake on guard, the same with Al. There has been a lot of destabilization lately with getting started with some intense memory work and then having massive financial trouble come up with the cost of seeing my doc. I got the finances taken care of for now, but the budget doesn't allow for many visits for the rest of the year. I'm at a loss of what to do here. If anyone has any ideas on how to calm down an alter who is terrified that he is being hunted by this person who hurt us as a child. i've tried showing him that we are older and much more capable of defending ourself than we could then. his fear/anger is over riding. Al is nonverbal so I don't even think he understands what im trying to show him when I'm not able to communicate. suggestions on how to commune with a nonverbal alter who behaves like a beaten guard dog would also be appreciated. He sleeps next to my dog, and likes having a stuffed animal to drool on at night. After he has been out the body hurts like I've been on the receiving end of a beating. but thats all I've figured out so far. I didn't want to hijack the preverbal thread because he seems old enough to talk but I don't know if he's mute or just doesn't want to talk or listen to me.

Feel free to hijack the thread we made on preverbal alters - I mentioned nonverbal as well since our 7/8 year old is a nonverbal animal

**trigger warning**
I don't have too much advice right now in regards to grounding your 16 year old in the present. But to start with this: Do you know that they are not looking for you? Do you know that they are no longer a threat to you? We personally don't say things to calm ourselves (nor does our T) like "We are safe" if it's just a probability. It might work for some, but not for us. So what we do is tell ourselves what we do know for sure. Maybe you could start like that with him? Tell him what you know is true and safe in your life. You know that your body is older. You know that you are stronger (I'm assuming). You know that you have learned better strategies to deal with something, should anything happen. What we did is make a strategy for the "what if's" that made us all feel safe so we could say that "This is what we do. We couldn't do this when we were younger but we can now and that makes it safer".
**trigger warning end**
That strategy isn't for everyone but it's worked out well for us anyway

Good luck with everything and it's good to see you posting even if it's rarely. This is a place for everyone

- Nin

I'm afraid I'm on a time constraint at the moment, but I just wanted to let you know that you're being heard and my sympathies are with you. -hugs if wanted- I will definitely try to return asap to write a real reply.

I just want to say this.... perpetrators are COWARDS. They don't want a fight. They don't want to lose. This is why they pick children. This is why they try to train people to fear. It is a game to save themselves...to plant these lies that 'if you tell...." something will happen. yes. Something could happen. They could go to jail. They could lose their jobs. They could be exposed to newspapers, internet, and everyone they know would know their horrible secret. It is a lie that they will come for you. A boldface, cowardly lie made to protect their own a@@es from any retaliation (legal or vengeance) from you later on.

What they really know is that you are younger, more physically fit as they are just aging.... That you have a more likely (easier) ability to start again where their opportunities to relocate, get a new job, etc is shrinking. Logically - it becomes harder and harder and so why screw that up with a potential confrontation when, for all they know, you are now a martial artist or a member of the NRA? They won't be looking for obscure sites (most won't know they contributed to DID....) they won't know names. In all the time you have lived there, not knowing he was...he has not tried to find you. Why would he now just because you have more information about his where-abouts. I bet you they are worried, if they knew you knew...they'd be worried. For the cops to come. For vengeance to come.

I believe it with all my heart. That person - is a coward. And you have moved on...he doesn't get control. He doesn't get freedom to continue to hurt you.

You don't have to go into details of what happened...what is important is how you felt; what you needed; that you be heard. That you be free. It is like having a piece of glass in a wound..it's still painful and digging. Exposing it might sting, might hurt a little - but then it can heal properly. No one said you wouldn't still have scars....but it can become better and I encourage you and your protectors to find a way to process it... through here or a Therapist or somewhere and with someone whom you trust.

I'm so happy you have those who want to be vigilant and protective....it makes sense after a trigger - so I would just acknowledge that...thank them...

Non-verbals. Chairon is non-verbal and very dog like. He was quite..um...feral, when we met. Very trigger happy on the aggression towards others. I had to help him understand that not every noise or person walking was a threat. That he was safe now. That he had done a great job protecting (son) when he needed, but it was ok now... He was confused and even scared that if he stopped being useful, he would vanish....but has developed into a caring and happy part of the inner (and outside) family. We use sign language (made up and also standard) to communicate (very basic...like noun/verb and I fill in blanks) he can scrawl very simple words, and we tried speech - I realized he was not passing the air over his vocal cords to create the vibrations...but he prefers sign. Simple starts like "jane, tarzan" and praise for repetition and understanding. He actually trained me a bit, giving my leg a head nuzzle when I guessed what he meant. That might help open some ways...

Of course, I am on the outside, so I'm not sure how it works for you in your system to see one another or conference....You might try asking others in your system if anyone can speak to him. Sometimes I get my information from Alex who can speak more ... completely ... with Chairon.

Take good care...

Thank you, HopeIsHere. I have been unable to find the words to properly respond to this post, and I believe you have done that for me.

HopeIsHere has said many valid points. Perpetrators are indeed often cowardly, and only threaten you to silence so that they will not reap the consequences they deserve. They know that they will have to answer to their crimes before they could ever do anything to you for speaking, and that scares them. So instead, they scare you into being, and staying, silent for their benefit.

I am not saying it will be easy, but the best way to help overcome what you were raised to believe is consistent, constant, reassurance. Self-talk is extremely helpful in this case. Remind yourself that not only are you bigger and more capable of defending yourself now, but that your abusers hold no power over you. That if you did speak up, they would have to run from you and the overdue consequences from the law. That there are measures you can take to help them stay away from you (if you know who they are). You can take out restraining orders; you can carry something like pepper spray for added protection; you can call the police; etc. Let you, all of you, know that the tables have turned; YOU hold the power now, not them. You are in control of situations; not them. You are strong, safe, and have help; they are weak, can be exposed, and will have no help. Everyone will stand behind you, the victim. NO ONE will stand behind them, the powerless abusers.

"Mother" yourself whenever you are able to. Surround yourself with items that help you feel safe; treat yourself to some comfort foods/snakcs; watch a funny or favorite movie; listen to happy or relaxing music; try some meditation; make yourself feel as safe, calm, and relaxed as possible. Especially do these things after therapy, they will help you get used to feeling more comfortable about speaking up.

If Al acts like a beaten dog, treat him like one. Help him feel safe and comfortable. Pet him, continue talking to him (calm voices can help calm an animal), perhaps get another stuffed animal that's for him but not only at night. After he's been out, do things to help ease the physical pain you feel. A hot bath; heating pads; ice; etc. It may help him to see someone taking charge and trying to make him feel safe, similar to an alpha male caring for the pack. Also be sure to read the thread for "Therapy on preverbal alters", as it may be helpful to you. http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96465.html

As for your therapy, have you discussed this issue with your therapist? They may be able to help you find solutions, such as therapists who specifically treat people with financial trouble. You may also do your own research into this option. I understand a therapist change can be difficult, but it may be necessary. Your therapist may also be able to discuss other options with you; such as possible discounts or programs for financial aid. Remember, therapists are there to help you, and that includes making sure you continue to receive help, even if they are not the ones to give it to you. This is not an uncommon topic to be brought up during therapy.

I certainly wish you the best of luck with this, and hope that you are able to find helpful ways of calming Jon and Al. -safe hugs if wanted- You are always welcome here, no matter how much you do or do not post. In the very least, I hope you feel better soon.

~Rain