Dating a Guy with DID *May Trigger*

Well... I don't know what to do, honestly. I knew that he had DID and I am perfectly fine with it. I accept his condition because it's part of him. And he is perhaps one of the nicest people I have ever dated... He treats me amazingly.

But now, I don't know what to do. You see, recently, we both took a break because of him trying to merge with one of the personalities. And honestly, a part of me is terrified that he may change to the point where he won't care about me any more. I know that he has to do this. And he wants to get better. But I am terrified.

In the beginning of our friendship, he had 9 personalities inside him (including himself). And I was learning more about him through them because in a sense, I knew they were still a part of him. Then he merged with two of them, and we started dating. And slowly, I started to see more of his world, and I was able to come to terms with my BPD (I was in denial about being borderline and he helped me accept it and try to get help). He then started to merge with two other personalities and honestly, I could still say that I was falling for him more. He was still the same guy that I first met, but he was happier, more complete.

And now... He wants to see if he can merge with the gatekeeper because he as well controls most of his emotions, in a sense. My boyfriend has a theory where if he were to merge with him, then he might be able to merge with all of them because the gatekeeper is all emotions, and the others are just one of the the emotions, more intensified.

I don't know if it will work or not. If it does work, then great. If it doesn't, then he was able to merge with an other personality. I want to just be there for him and support him. But I'm scared that right now, he doesn't want that from me. And it hurts a lot. I just feel very weak and useless right now. And it's terrible. I want to show him that I want to be there for him and that I do love him. But I'm scared that he will reject me now. Especially because he wants to do the soul searching process of merging and feels that it is best if he is alone.

I am fine if he does want to be alone. But I still want to be with him if he needs the help. I don't know. I feel like I sound like an idiot.

Well... with what I know on his DID (I won't give them their names because it is not my condition to tell. I am only giving the jists of each member in my boyfriend's head.) :

Like I mentioned before, he had 9 personalities, including himself. He is the original. The others do not view themselves as dating me, they only view that the main personality and I are together.

One of them, I personally could not stand. He tends to represent his anger, if that makes any sense. He is one of the "evil" personalities that my boyfriend claims to be. Not a very big fan of him, but there are times where I can tolerate him. He is also a "protector" and a bit of a leader. One of the only reasons he will come out is if my boyfriend is in some sort of physical danger. Although, he has come out before when that wasn't the case. I have spoken to this personality before. Him and the gatekeeper (along with some friends of ours) were having a plan to get rid of one of the personalities because they wanted more room in my boyfriend's mind.

The gatekeeper that my boyfriend is attempting to merge with is more or less like a father-figure, from what I have noticed. He's very aloof, but also very intelligent. I have spoken to him many times, and I do remember one of the times where I saw him, thought he was my boyfriend, tried to go and kiss him, and was flat out rejected. Which it did hurt, but I understood that it wasn't my boyfriend, but the personality... I don't know... I still felt rejected by my boyfriend even though it wasn't. My boyfriend did apologize for the incident, though. This personality, is more neutral, from my boyfriend's perspective.

My boyfriend also has a little. He's, from my boyfriend's opinion, a little troll. He tends to act like an obnoxious kid and ruin some of our moments. At first, I didn't like him because I thought he was around our age or older, but then when I found out that he was only a kid, I honestly stopped hating on him. He was just a kid, so I was like "meh, kids do that". Although, he is very smart for his age, which was a bit misleading for me. I've never "met" him before. I have spoken to him through my boyfriend.

This personality, my boyfriend is not a big fan of, is a heavy drinker. He doesn't like him because a lot of times, when he's out, he gives him a lot of problems with authority. He's Irish-British (my boyfriend is Hispanic, and majority of them are either American, or Hispanic). I actually enjoy this personality. He's very out-going and fun.

One of the other "evil" personalities my boyfriend would consider tends to act like a nympho and a womanizer... I only met him once, and he is actually one of the reasons we started dating. My boyfriend merged with him.

This one is the first female personality he created. She didn't like me at all. Mainly because she feels that all women are horrible creatures and felt that my boyfriend would be better off dating guys instead. I never met her. My boyfriend merged with her.

This personality was the embodiment of depression. I didn't talk to him much, but I felt really bad for him because he was always so down. My boyfriend told me that he had only come out once, but I never met him. He also ended up merging with my boyfriend.

The last personality is an other girl. She was mainly created because the first girl wanted to have somebody else to relate with, and have it be a girl. And my boyfriend was also going through some tough times and used her to lock up some memories. She was one of the manipulative sides of him. She was also a lesbian and I think she was also interested in wanting to date me (I'm pansexual so it really wouldn't have bothered me). She ended up merging with my boyfriend as well.

I just want to know that everything will be better in the long run. I want to know that my boyfriend will be fine. I just want him to be happy. And I'm terrified that he will suffer big time with this merge. Am I being ridiculous in over-analyzing this?

Hmmm. A lot going on with this post... you might want to edit and include a 'merging' or 'integration' trigger as it could make some uncomfortable to be surprised with... Some things I noticed though really will have to involve your BF communicating with his system. This really is an all for one and one for all thing in my eyes. My son's system may not all like his GF or want to consider themselves as part of their relationship - but they have all (finally) given their blessing for him to be in that relationship. Part of this comes from their agreement that (right now) he is to be the primary person 'out'.

His primary alter who is very much like you describe your BF's 'gatekeeper' was very intellectual and aloof when we first met. He did not hold the emotion so much as the logical side of things. He was quite straight forward that he felt nothing towards me (no ill will but no affection). With consistent respect towards him and as he has opened himself up to experiencing more of what my son feels; he has come to grow more fond of me. He even kisses the top of my hand in farewell now and then. So I would remind you that, like anyone else on the planet, alters are capable of change... they aren't 2-dimensional and 'stuck' the way you first may have met them.

Erego - the child might settle down; the 'cold' may warm up; and the angry can teach about fear and doubt which can be healed with comfort and hope... (in a way... please don't take that generalized statement as meaning anger will disappear. anger is very important...it carries wisdom with it...) but you get my meaning.

Also, understand that your BF has to do all of this at his own pace. There is quite a bit of cooperation and communication which must occur for them to feel ready for such a big step - I'm very underqualified to even comment on it myself! So, the best you can do is to be patient; be accepting; and take care of yourself as well.

BPD is no light diagnosis either. There is a lot of thought catching; behavior modification; and coping skills/techniques that need to be learned and applied. I'm so proud that you were able to accept the diagnosis and I hope that you take good care of yourself to get the support and/or therapy you need to be healthy and positive. I was not diagnosed myself; my mom was - and so I understand this on a personal level. Just know you aren't alone. She's worked hard to change the bad habits and our relationship is so much better for it! and she - happier! You sound like a very good person! Hang in there!

For some reason, it won't allow me to edit the tittle to add a trigger warning. So if a mod sees this, I would want to have them add that.

The thing is, with my BPD, I was diagnosed earlier a year ago, but really couldn't come into terms with it. I wanted to pretend that everything was normal and that my psychologist was just talking #######4. It was when I started dating my boyfriend that I started to realize that I did have a problem and that I need to work on them. He (and majority of his alters) have been very supportive. The "protector" and I don't get along that well because he tends to call me a "whinny bitch" and will belittle my boyfriend. For me, I don't really care about him talking crap to me because I know I can be, but I don't like him talking crap about my boyfriend. Mainly because I don't see what he sees. I see a young man that is struggling with himself and has the power to overcome his struggles. Especially because my boyfriend is VERY fortunate to never really have to deal with abusing drugs, taking his own life, and he only caused SI's to himself one time in a moment of weakness, which I do not judge him for. But I do have a respect for this personality because I understand that he is there to "protect" him from anything they may feel that would cause pain to him. And everybody knows that love can cause pain when it goes sour.

The gatekeeper, we are actually on better terms. Although, he can be very harsh to me and my boyfriend. All of his alters had made an agreement on if he were to ever want to merge, he would have to prove to each one something that would be beneficial for his life, such as the Little one, he has to become VERY successful in his career, and the gatekeeper, he has to "cut off" his ties to others and become responsible for his things.

With the gatekeeper, I do enjoy and have spoken to him physically many times. I am even going to be speaking to him later this week so I can be more clear on ways with helping my boyfriend merge, and also set some limits of my own to try and prevent his hard work of merging unraveling and he ends up splitting... Especially because I noticed from when he told me that he had them when something extremely stressful occur, they would increase. I don't want to see him suffer more than he should. I say suffer more than he should and not "I don't want him to suffer" because I understand that life in general is full of suffering. But it's how we can handle it that can make it positive and negative. And I don't want to see him beating himself up because he might be over his head. That, and also because I am right now going through a very hard time with my family. My grandfather (who has been a better father figure to me than my own father-- his son) is very sick in the hospital and he has a surgery later on this week, and it might be fatal. I want to let the gatekeeper know that if the worst were to happen (such as my grandfather dying, or if anybody he cares/loves has to go to the hospital or dies), if my boyfriend can be able to comfort me/whoever and show that he cares without it affecting the process of merging. I have never forced him into merging, I told him from the beginning that if he wanted to do it, then I would support him. If he didn't, then it would be fine. I told him the positives and negatives of the outcomes, and I let him be on that decision. I even asked the other alters their view on merging, and the only one who is really opposed to it was the protector. the others were just indifferent, or actually wanted to merge (but only at the right time).

I wrote that post while I was having my BPD go all hay-wire. When I wrote that, I felt like I was abandoning my boyfriend, or that he was abandoning me. I have some very serious abandonment issues and I am using our "break" (we are still together, it is just that we are putting our love-life on hold) to try and learn to become stronger.

It's very frustrating having BPD where I live. Especially because they still hold the stigma of "Those with BPD are just uncontrollable and being difficult". My psychologist refuses to officially diagnose me with BPD, although she does acknowledge it, because of the difficulty I will have with therapists here in my country if I were to get help somewhere else. And the therapies that has shown to help BPD isn't really in my country. So I have to deal with it through tackling my other problems (such as my abandonment problems, my eating disorders, and other conditions).

And thank you for answering. Your post has given me hope. Not only for my boyfriend's DID, but also for my own demons.

I think everyone fears abandonment at one time or another, so don't feel to self-conscious. I will be sending good thoughts (prayers if wanted...that's my thing and not meant to insult/trigger anyone) regarding your Grandfather's upcoming procedure. I'm glad that he has been a good thing in your life. You seem very communicative with your BF's system and as someone with BPD people in my life, I would just urge you to remember that patience...breathing...you know how it is. You get anxious, that leads to fear, which can lead to either get-out-while-I-can thinking or possible hostility-prove yourself to me... You seem to have a good grip on how you feel though and recognizing your own triggers and thoughts.

That's really really good! There are some excellent resources out there book-wise if you are having a hard time relating to the professionals or others in person...

It sounds like you're letting your BF and his system make their own decisions and that's so important - as a SO (significant other) we sometimes want to jump in with what has helped us or with advice because we care and it can be a struggle just to let them figure it out the way they need to. I remind myself that while I can be there for my son (with DID) I really need to let him and his system take charge of the healing, memory sharing, etc...

It seems a little common if you read threads here about relationships, that a system may have someone who can be harsh to an SO....but to me, it seems like it is more of a testing the waters. Will that SO stay? Are they going to be provoked into anger or leaving? Just some ideas anyway...

Take care!

Yeah. My boyfriend and I actually had a bit of an argument about him merging. A friend of ours who at one point, he was thinking about getting romantically involved with (he ended up feeling that she was not ready to be in a relationship and felt it best to leave her as a friend), has told him many times that she did not want him to merge. We both got into an argument about it because he wants to merge, and honestly, I'm sort of on the same page as her... But I think it was mainly because he ended up triggering me by casually stating that after he merged, he might end up "forgetting" about all of his friends and loved ones. I ended up losing it and started talking negatively about myself and telling him that I knew it was only a matter of time before he would leave me too... I ended up, when we were alone, yelling at him that I didn't want him to merge because I was terrified that he would end up hating me the way the way that his other alters hated me. Even went as far as saying that I knew that once he merged, he would become better than me and realize that I would just be a waste of space and no longer be worth his time because he would become better than me. He did go as far as telling me that it was my decision in him merging or not because (in his words) "I don't know what to do, I'm not smart enough yet".

The thing is, while I was saying that, I thought his face was more like "you're right. when I merge, I'm dumping your ass", but when I was able to calm myself down, I realized that he was actually hurt. And that made me feel like a pile of poo. I apologized. I also told him that the choice on merging or not was all his. And that I would support it. If the worst happens, the worst happens. If not, then no.

I did tell him that if the worst did happen, I would most likely avoid him because I know that he would be a my walking trigger for a while... And if I were to see him, I would just end up getting all crappy and depressed.

Which the sad thing is, one of the alters was joking about how if my boyfriend were to leave the relationship, me and the other girl would form some alliance and try to kill him? Honestly, I think tht alter only said that so he could HAVE a reason to just come out and kick butt... Out of all my boyfriend's alters, the protector alter is the one I would say I fear because he can be violent... Which, then again, I can understand because he protects my boyfriend from physical harm.