Aggression on the loose! O_O (might trigger)

Hi!

I need very, very quick help! D: I just got introduced to a new part...that part is f***ing crazy!!! She wants to kill my pet budgies, go on a violent rampage at our aunt that betrayed us, she's just a violent crazy part!!!

I know she wants attention...but I can't let her do all those things! I want to silence her!!! She's the bringer of death!!! She will get rid of our therapist, she will RUIN EVERYTHING!

I WANT HER dead! She's no good for our system! I want her dead!

She tries to take control...she texted our aunt very bad message!!! She told her to go to h*ll!!! >:( She's f***ing evil, she should be stopped!!!

You can call me Purple... I try to cage her in. I try to not let her talk to my Boss. She will only kill our budgies!!!

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I'M LIKE THIS!!!!!!!! Those poor birds will soon share the plate if you don't listen to me!!! Bow to your f***ing master you piece of sh*t!!! You want to die, do you!!!?

I will be whatever you make me be!!! Whatever you say I do, I WILL DO!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT!!! NOT MINE!!! I love being free...I so much love this!!! I can do whatever I want!!!

I can k*LL our aunt if you wish. Just a word...just a word and she's done for!!! I'm f***ing king of the world you piece of sh*t!!!

Don't we all want to be heard? DON'T WE? HAVE YOU EVER ASKED WHAT I WANT!!!? HAVE YOU!!!? NO ONE HAS!!!!!

i will kill you if I need to!!!!!!!!!!!

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED KINDNESS ON ME!!????!!!!! HAVE YOU!!!??? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM!!!??? A MONSTER!!!??? I F**ING SAVED YOUR SORRY A** BACK THERE AND YOU WANT ME KILLED!!!! WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU PIECE OF SH*T!!!!!

I JUST WANT A HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both of you stand down. If you are looking for understanding, speak in a reasonable tone here, and we will help. Purple, remain out of the ensuing conversation until you are asked to respond

I have to agree with Riven. Let's all take a deep breath and calm down, please?

Obviously it was very wrong for this new alter to say/do those things, but lashing out doesn't seem to be helping either.

To this new alter: why don't you take a moment and introduce yourself to the board?
And it seem to me that you just some love from the other alters, is that correct?

I think you two have reached an epiphany here. Does your new part have a name? She is a part of you, a human part of you, and I can already tell she has more feelings than just rage and blood lust. We have parts that desire to kill as well, but they put the well being of the entire system before revenge. Desiring revenge and to lash out doesn't make this new part a bad person. I imagine she has held lots of strong emotions for a long time and was created by them. She opened up to you. She told you she's more than just a violent person and that she needs positive attention, which she has probably been starved of most of, if not all of your life.

I understand being scared of her, that is okay. It's difficult enough to recognize a new part in your own mind, let alone one filled with previously unknown powerful emotions. But both of you need to know that this will be okay. And at some point, you both need to forgive each other. Purple, forgive the new alter for her anger, she holds it to protect you, she has no intention to hurt you. New alter, forgive Purple to her reaction to you, she, too, is just trying to protect the system.

New alter, I would be delighted to learn your name, so I can stop calling you "new alter". Also, if you would like a hug, most people find Bunny's hugs the safest, most comforting.

*Bunny offers hug, if okay*

Hi you all.

I will talk calmly if I can... I have hard time controlling myself, my anger is so big to carry. And Purple is SO MEAN to me!

Okay...my name is Raptor. I'm 8 years old. I'm a boy and I love Jurassic park! That's why I chose to hide behind a raptor identity. I hate to be shouted at, I hate loud voices and aggressive behavior from others. I get triggered when I face those things. I hate those budgies because they scream... And that triggers me! I need ear plugs or something! They're cute and all but they scream...it scares the sh*t out of me...

So. This is Purple. I'm 17 years old and I try to keep all aggressive parts in. =/ I hate AGGRESSION! It started this all. I think that we are all very aggressive and we hurted those people and those pets by being aggressive. Anger is BAD! Anger should be punished, anger is never the solution! Anger is the cancer of this world and humanity! We should just apologize for being angry and carry on...be like nothing happened. It's best to put the anger away, lock it away until it d*es. Anger is bad! Anger never helped us. Anger only hurted us. I hate anger. Raptor LOVES anger. Here is the problem.

I've got absolutely no idea what's happening here... These two newcomers have seemingly started a new thread. I'm being very stressed out and I can't deal with much at the moment.

So it's probably good that they found out this way to talk through their thoughts... I'm the JUDGE. I hate the whole system. The system should DIE! We are worthless, we are sick, we are dirty, we have done some terrible things and we should be punished by DEATH! We've got plenty of angry parts around here so things are a bit too much for our Boss. Many have threatend her well being and the pets. =/ SORRY. You know...I know what her adad and her aparents and her cousns were like! They were very bad and they asked us to feel guilt for their own mistakes... I can't talk much, the JUDGE will silent me soon... But this was GOLD. Happy day to all of you. I know that we were not to blame! But these parts have to deal with their part of the burden before we can all believe that we are innocent! Happy to you all!

I like hugs. Thank you for the hug Bunny! I try not to squeeze too hard back... I can't control my strength too well. I am disabled - so they said...and simple...and evil and what'not...

I'm really on the verge of breaking down...every morning I think: "oh gosh...another sh*tty day to deal with...why can't this stop?" My body is screaming to me that we need to rest but I can't. My mental health is unbalanced, my parts fight, my anger is on the rampage, our grief of the lost pet and earlier losts has surfaced stronger than ever, our care assistant is going to see us less due to change in the work habits... I can't deal with this. I just want to sleep...

Usually I can control my parts and help them deal with their fights but not now... I feel worthless Boss for not being able to do my work. I just can't...I'd rather let them run around and destroy everything. I just don't care!!! I'm too tired to care!!! Why can't any other part help me!!!?? Where are those parts that take the leads when I'm too stressed and tired!!!??

!!!I think I have finally figured out what's going on!!! MIGHT TRIGGER!

Things are heading to the right direction...I'm somewhat OK, really tired and feeling like I'm going to die but I'm OK!

I feel that all the sadness, anger, wrath, frustration, fear, longing, love, terror, panic, fear of being killed and all those f**ing things that we have pushed away for 24 years and that have builded up for 24 years, have finally gotten enough of their silence and they are being released to the open air. ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. 24 YEARS WORTH OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS! All at the same time.

I remember what it felt like to be betrayed again and again...when we were not listened, when we were emotionally neglected and emotionally not listened, when we feared of death every single day, when our biological mom was shot and we feared that this would be our death too, the terror and panic, the sadness of all those lost lives, the frustration and anger when we were falsely accused of things we didn't do, the anger we felt when were betrayed by those cowardly "people", the anger, anger and wrath when our ability to protect was taken away from us, ripped apart and never returned. It all came out to very this day. All these feelings and emotions have been released to open air TODAY. Feelings and emotions worth 24 f**ing years!!!

*deep inhale*

It hurts so f***ing much that I can't even describe it. Think about death. Think about loss. Think about betrayal. All those terrible things in this world we have faced and buried deep inside our heart that it still wanting to live and love. I. WON'T. BE. SILENCED. ANYMORE!!!!

This was a nuclear war between emotional parts and non-emotional parts. Parts that wanted to hide it all VS parts that wanted to be heard emotionally. It all exploded when our so called aunt did what she did... She emotionally neglected us AGAIN. I feel so f***ing stupid for telling her!!! I could have killed my parts!!! I could have retraumatized us all... I KNEW what she said before, so why did I do it AGAIN!!!?? I KNEW that it would come to this, so WHY did I DO IT AGAIN!!?

After these emotions and feelings got exploded out afterwards the fight against our aunt, I feel that we needed something like that. We needed trigger strong enough to make this happen. To start this war so that those non-emotional parts would not stand a chance against the emotional parts. So that the emotional parts would be finally heard...emotionally! Not only verbally but emotionally aswell.

So much neglect has been going on in our lives...so much loveless nights and days that nearly killed us. Now I truly understand how it felt like...now I remember how terrifying all those years were for us all... The constant panic, the constant fear of violence, r*pe, neglect, d*ath... It all came to this day... I remember how BAD it felt!!! How overwhelming, painful, terrorizing, traumatizing and excruciating it was. How much we had to put aside in order to survive. How much terror and agony we felt...EVERY. FR**ING. DAY.

I feel like I've vomited a giant ball of poison out of my guts. I have a terrible migraine, my stomach hurts, my stomach is upset, my head hurts, my muscles hurt... It hurts so bad!!!

I f***ing feel that I'm going to die...right now. Right here. Right at this moment. But when I look around, I'm still alive and it makes me depressed. How can a single human being feel so much pain without it killing her!!!? This is pure torture...just torture. There is no excuses: IT. WAS. TORTURE!!!

I can't keep these feeligns and emotions inside anymore. Not a single second. And when they come out: I feel so much better, so much more alive, so much lighter and better. Like I'm crying and feeling the poison and draining it out of our system.

I. FEEL. AGAIN.

And it hurts...so much.

Edit. Also: I'm officially CODEPENDENT PERSON. (24 years I tried to deny that!) I'm heading to find some books about that and trying to heal us all from the emotional wounds. I still think that I'm not emotionally wounded. That it's not me. But I guess we need to take little chick-sized steps. =/

Wow, you are certainly making mountains of progress. I am really sorry to hear it hurts so much. Although I am glad to hear you are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel; metaphorically, and being able to get glimpses of how much better you will feel when all these awful emotions are purged. I am sorry they have hit you all at once, and I think you are so strong and brave for going through this.

*Bunny gives more safe hugs to Raptor*
(bunny) I can handle tight hugs.

doe-eyed wrote:Wow, you are certainly making mountains of progress. I am really sorry to hear it hurts so much. Although I am glad to hear you are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel; metaphorically, and being able to get glimpses of how much better you will feel when all these awful emotions are purged. I am sorry they have hit you all at once, and I think you are so strong and brave for going through this.

*Bunny gives more safe hugs to Raptor*
(bunny) I can handle tight hugs.

Hi doe-eyed and Bunny!

Thank you for the hugs, hugs are sooo nice! You can call me Cheer. I'm so cheerful!

We have this habit of "putting the cat on the table" and dealing with tough issues all at once. It's bad too beacuse our therapist says that we should take small steps at a time and try not to get overwhelmed. We do that too but sometimes the "cold turkey" works the best for us. You gotta do what you gotta do! And no one has a say about that - we know the best what fits us! d*mn right!

Yes, we are finally releasing our emotions, feelings, needs, quirks, hunger and thirst for some things, small stuff, big stuff, emotional identity, emotional spirituality, panic, sorrow, all those stuff! We are FINALLY healing our EMOTIONAL WOUNDS! YAYAYAYAYAY! I've been waiting this for 24 years!!! We're gonna have so much fun after this and while during this! Yayayayayayay!

Poisonous shame and poisonous guilt are gonna get kicked out of our system. They are no longer welcomed here! f**k off shame and guilt we don't own!!! they call me grumby grumbyness is good all feeligns and emotions are good! is all good and being grumpy is good!!!

sorry we are all over the place because we've been closed int he dark for 24 fr*king yeasr, now is time to breathe and live and not just surviev, i'm so happy i cant contain muselfff!!!!

im gonna go make waffless!!!

(Swan/Owl) Hello Cheer and Grumby! It is a pleasure to meet you!

Adameil wrote:Poisonous shame and poisonous guilt are gonna get kicked out of our system. They are no longer welcomed here!

(wolf) d@mn straight!

Adameil wrote:We are FINALLY healing our EMOTIONAL WOUNDS! YAYAYAYAYAY! I've been waiting this for 24 years!!! We're gonna have so much fun after this and while during this! Yayayayayayay!

(wolf) I love your attitude, Cheer, and I think you are exactly right. Letting these awful emotions go is exciting, you get to discover who you are without this terrible burden, and realize your true potential; which is beautiful and awe-inspiring. Best wishes from all of us.

doe-eyed wrote:(Swan/Owl) Hello Cheer and Grumby! It is a pleasure to meet you!

Adameil wrote:Poisonous shame and poisonous guilt are gonna get kicked out of our system. They are no longer welcomed here!

(wolf) d@mn straight!

Adameil wrote:We are FINALLY healing our EMOTIONAL WOUNDS! YAYAYAYAYAY! I've been waiting this for 24 years!!! We're gonna have so much fun after this and while during this! Yayayayayayay!

(wolf) I love your attitude, Cheer, and I think you are exactly right. Letting these awful emotions go is exciting, you get to discover who you are without this terrible burden, and realize your true potential; which is beautiful and awe-inspiring. Best wishes from all of us.

Hi doe-eyed and all you others!

Cheer (or Chere) and Grumby are newcomers. We haven't even listed them yet! I'm happy to see how happy our parts are! <3 The war before was "needed" in order to make this happen. I'm so sad though that we couldn't have met our therapist earlier... We could use some help.

Also our codependency isn't making things any easier... T_T Most of the parts that carry emotions are codependent! And D*MN! That is one tough thing to overcome. O_O They basically think that they're gonna die if we take away their false truths of themselves (that they're evil, ugly, stupid, aggressive etc.) and replace them with REAL truths about themselves!

So yeah. We have told them that they're not gonna die - they're just gonna change to something better. But that's the EXACT thing that's making those parts afraid of dying! It's f**ed up man... T_T So much unnecessary guilt and shame in their shoulders that should be shoved away!!!

Little by little we overcome these false truths in their minds. And that's a f**ing promise!

We are experiencing pretty overwhelming feelings so we can't carry on like this! Some parts even feel that we SHOULD feel this bad and not complain. Well if that ain't gonna make you bloodthirsty for some murder, there ain't a thing that will!

What have those B**TARDS DONE FOR OUR INNOCENT KIDS... THERE'S GONNA BE MURDER ONE DAY, I PROMISE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What type of a MONSTER makes an innocent CHILD FEEL LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!??????? MURDER: THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much anger coming out and I'm liking it. It's not gonna get bottled up, no longer!

We're trying to make our system balanced again but it's gonna take time. Most of the parts are undergoing a change and accepting emotions/feelings and needs part of their identity. So it's gonna be rough few days... Migraines suck btw! T_T