H is currently in therapy for DID

Aththeend, how are you doing today? I have been thinking about you. I know you are facing a very difficult situation: infidelity repair plus coming to terms with a newly diagnosed major mental health problem. In some respects I think it may be helpful to view your husband as if he were a singleton, and address the problem behaviors of his system as a whole. Toward that end perhaps the most helpful resource for you both right now would be the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Hi Una, thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate all of the information you all have given me and the time you have taken to give me straight-forward answers!
I had a long conversation with my H last night. I let him know how confused I am feeling and how I feel am being pulled in two directions. And that I feel as though I will have a break down soon. He said althogh it would hurt him, maybe we should get a divorce because he doesn't want to cause me any more stress. He said if he could just figure out what his trigger is, he would do his best to avoid it. His T is currently trying to figure out what the trigger is. The T says that the trigger is hidden/buried. Is it possible we may never know what it is?

I personally want to debrief with my husband after each session. Sometimes I have to wait a day or so to process something before I am ready to talk, but more often I need that debrief to happen as soon as possible. I need him to know who I am and what is happening to me, and to receive his comforting, reassurance, hugs and kisses

Thanks for the advice, I will continue to ask about his sessions bacause I really want to be there for him also.

Has he ever met up with a woman in person, or does he only come out online?

He's not sure if he's met with them or not, but I'm hoping no. In one of the conversations there was an exchange of phone numbers. I called the woman back using his phone while he was standing there. I talked to her and she said they had not had any physical contact but just talked. She said she had no idea he was married and that he never mentioned the kids!! However, I did read one with another woman where he said when would you like to meet and she said a day she would like to meet the alter didn't respond and the convo ended there.
I asked my husband if he can communicate with the alter and does the alter have a name. The reason I wanted a name is because in the secret email account there was a folder where he kept all the conversations and it was titled Fox. I was wondering if this was the alter's name. He said that he cannot communicate with the alter,which suprised me because I thought that he would be able to. I don't know if I believe thats true.

Did this include confiding about the dissociated identities? How well is the pastor taking it all in? Does he seem to be well informed? Would it be useful to give him a book to read?

He told the pastor about his memory lapses and his engagement on-line dating sites but that he does not remember being on them. He also told the Pastor that if I left him, that he was to blame and not me because I have sufferd enough. He asked for prayer, but he did not come right out and say about the dissociated identities to the Pastor. I think my H is still trying to accept it himself. I don't believe the Pastor is well informed about DID, but he really loves my H and calls him almost everyday to see how he is doing.

it may be helpful to view your husband as if he were a singleton, and address the problem behaviors of his system as a whole. Toward that end perhaps the most helpful resource for you both right now would be the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

I try to look at it that way. But I am still struggling with it because it is so new to me. I pray that in time I will be able to understand more so that I can help him as well.
In the next session with the T my husband has to take some type of test and that I should come speak with the T while he takes the test. I'm just curious of what type of test this is. The T hasn't formally diagnosed my H with DID but he told me at the last session I went to that he was leaning towards DID or something like DID-amnesia.
During our convo last night I told him about this forum and that I really got a lot of great info and advice on here. He was happy I found the group and seemed to be a little relieved that I am speaking with others who are also DID.
I reviewed online the book you suggested Not Just Friends, sounds like a great read and something I could definitely benifit from. Thanks so much!

Attheendofmyrope wrote:Hi Una, thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate all of the information you all have given me and the time you have taken to give me straight-forward answers!

You are very welcome. This situation is close to my heart. A little more than a year ago my husband and I were experiencing much the same pain and confusion.

He said [...] maybe we should get a divorce because he doesn't want to cause me any more stress.

This is guilt and shame talking. And you have a child together. Brad Blanton says in several of his books that marriage and parenting are for life, and he is right. Even if you were to divorce, those connections would remain. So divorce is not a solution.

He said if he could just figure out what his trigger is, he would do his best to avoid it. His T is currently trying to figure out what the trigger is. The T says that the trigger is hidden/buried. Is it possible we may never know what it is?

Possible but not probable. In any case, it is far better to dismantle the triggers, not avoid them.

He said that he cannot communicate with the alter,which suprised me because I thought that he would be able to. I don't know if I believe thats true.

I don't know if that is true for your husband, but that is true for many of us. I still do not have good communication with my Alter 4. She is the one who seems most able to take executive control of the body, and when that happens I have amnesia. Our communication is limited and what there is of it mostly goes through the body.

Okay, your husband has not told the pastor about his alters, but then your husband does not have first hand experience of them yet. Or does he? Does he hear voices in his head, or see people? I knew I had some amnesia (not everyone does know; many people have amnesia for the amnesia), and I had possession experiences, but it was decades before I put the two together and realized together they signal I have dissociated identities.

In the next session with the T my husband has to take some type of test and that I should come speak with the T while he takes the test. I'm just curious of what type of test this is.

Two popular self-administered tests are the DES and the MID. We have threads about them here on the DID Forum.

Good morning everyone!
Thanks for the reply Una!

Does he hear voices in his head, or see people?

He told me something really interesting one time when he was in the mood to share some of his intermost thoughts (which is a very RARE occasion).. He said that I might not believe him but he can hear the thoughts of other people sometimes. I told him that I think what he was hearing was his own thoughts in other people's voices. At the time I was trying to make sure he did not take what he believed the voices of others to be the real thoughts of others. Now I am beginning to see that maybe what he thinks are the thoughts of others, actually may be his alters.

He has never told me that he has seen people appear or anything. He did say that there was a time in his life when he would look in the mirror and not recognize himself in the mirror. and sometimes he would on occasion, just out of the blue, say he doesn't know who he is anymore.
Somthing else my H does is bite his hands. I told the T about it when I went to the session in July. And the T told me when I see my H doing this I should ask what is he thinking about. I tried that and he ALWAYS says "Nothing".

Hearing other people's thoughts is a complicated issue. I sometimes hear my alters in my head speaking to me, or I "hear" their private thoughts. I know they are in my head, but their thoughts are not my thoughts. Sometimes I also "hear" the thoughts of people around me. Now and then I hear what someone else is thinking so clearly that I answer them out loud. I know I hear them correctly too because they react with shock: "How did you know what I was thinking?!"

And then there is the psychotic symptom of hearing voices, which is something else entirely. If someone reports they hear voices, it is actually more likely that they have DID or DID-like DDNOS than that they have schizophrenia or psychosis. And many people who apparently are mentally healthy also hear voices. All the above non-psychotic types of hearing voices been documented in research studies of hundreds of people. However, many textbooks about schizophrenia and psychotic disorders in general don't mention any of these other explanations for hearing voices.

For the person hearing voices, it can be very confusing and frightening. Many of us do fear for our sanity before we find out there are these other explanations.

For the person hearing voices, it can be very confusing and frightening. Many of us do fear for our sanity before we find out there are these other explanations.

I 'm sure it is very frightening. If my H ever decides to talk about the voices again I will listen more instead of trying to correct him.
Have you ever experienced seeing an electrical energy or something like that surrounding a person. My H said that he has seen what he describes as electrical energy surrounding people before. It was hard for him to explain to me. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with DID or something else.

Attheendofmyrope wrote:Have you ever experienced seeing an electrical energy or something like that surrounding a person. My H said that he has seen what he describes as electrical energy surrounding people before. It was hard for him to explain to me. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with DID or something else.

This sounds like your husband is seeing people's auras. I have seen auras too. It is not specific to DID but it is fairly common for people with DID to do this. I started a thread here last year about seeing auras. See the link below.

DID Forum: Can you see a person's aura?

Wow, Una, I can't tell you how much you have helped me. I feel like crying because just when I was about to give up I feel like God lead me to this Forum so that I can get a better understanding of what is happening to my H. I have been praying and praying for understanding. This forum is a bright spot in the darkness!!!!!!!!!
I was so amazed to see that you also see the energy around people he described. I'm so glad that I posted that bit of information because when you said that it happens to you also, it was like a calmness came over me. It was like a revelation that my H has not been lying to me this whole time, and that these things are really happening to him. Before coming to this forum I didn't know if I should believe him or not. Thanks to you all I have a different perspective.

From all that you say, yes, your husband does have DID. For many of us DID is both a painful disability and a precious gift.

So many times people have told me I have extraordinary abilities of perception, that I seem to have read their mind, that I have an uncanny way of communicating with animals and babies, that I have eerie precognitions, etc. And I have always felt very uncomfortable about such comments and tried to avoid people who say I do this. Being perceptive in this way was not ever something I studied or even tried to do, or was really aware of doing, and more often than not it comes with considerable emotional pain because so often I know --- I feel --- what hurts. Now I am becoming aware of myself, of my alters, and trying to open up to these experiences. I have had some experiences far more bizarre and concerning than what I have shared in this DID Forum, that I cannot yet accept as real. And yet if they are not real, well in a way that is even worse. I am changed, my life is changed.

If similar changes are in your husband's future, he is going to need a lot of love and support. If your husband consents, please do share this thread with his therapist and his pastor.

Hope I can jump in here,

I am a husband with DID. Also a father to three great kids. I've been married to an amazing, supportive woman for 22 years. Most of them were NOT the best years they could have been for my wife... Unfortunately the first 10 years of marriage I didn't seek out therapy, and once I finally did it took almost 10 more years of various incorrect diagnoses and treatments before I got a proper diagnosis.

I was finally Dx'd a little over 2 years ago.

What I can tell you - based on my own experience only - is now that my wife and I both understand me a little better, and now that I'm actively engaged with a good therapist who's helping me learn to function - things are better now in our marriage than they ever have been.

When things progress, and your husband understands his system better, and different aspects of his self learn to communicate and cooperate, things improve.

That's my experience so far, anyway.