H is currently in therapy for DID

My question is does therapy help at all?
Our marriage is up in the air. In June he finally admitted that he has issues that he just can't explain. And he wanted help so he is now seeing a therapist. My story is really really long and I'm just too exhausted to tell it all right now. I feel so numb. I'm so tired of being betrayed and lied to. I just need to know if things can get better, or is this pretty much what I will have to go through for the rest of our marriage. Please Help!

For many of us therapy helps enormously. The dissociative identity structure can be dismantled and the alters integrated. However, many of us have additional problems, the same kinds of problems as people who don't have a dissociative disorder.

What's going on with you and your husband?

Attheendofmyrope
Us/ me have been with our SO for nearly thirty years.Things can work out but it does take some compassion and understand.If your husband has DID remember this is not his fault and therapy can help.Therapy does take time, it is not a disorder that will be fixed in one or two visits.Some times it takes years. Some people are, in time, integrated but some like us learn to work as a group and thing can calm down and a person can live multiple.This does not mean that just because your husband has DID that he gets a free pass for bad behaviour.Your husband must learn to take responsability for his actions and the others behaviour. Good luck.
Regards
Us

Its possible for you to reach out and receive help as a recovering person with family members with DID..

Have you heard of Al-anon? AL-anon is for the recovery of one living with the alcoholic...

A general recovery process for living with family member of DID is the same... Possibly talk to a therapist about general 12 step groups in the area for codependency or emotions anonymous; that kind of thing...

Im sure a therapist could lead you to recovery help groups or boundary groups related related to the cause..

Start reading about recovery and related material about DID......

I read your first post, in the Dissociative Fugue Forum, saying your husband describes symptoms a lot like those described in the thread there. Those symptoms are a mixture of passive influence and identity alteration, and some dissociative amnesia. They are very familiar here. Situation normal.

Married men who have undiagnosed DID very frequently have substance abuse problems and also get involved sexually and sometimes also emotionally with other people. Are those problems for your husband? And what are you struggling with most, yourself?

Competent therapy can help a great deal. DID is actually one of the most treatable mental health disorders.

Good morning. Thank you Una, Omnicell, watcheroflights, thank you all so much for your replies. It is very difficult for me to talk about this with friends and family. Thank you for your honesty. I was asked by the therapist to come into a session in July. I was able to give him a wealth of information.

We've been married almost 6 years. We have 3 children under the age of 6. My husband was sexually abused as a child (age 7) by his babysitter( a teenaged girl). He was abandoned by his mom and dad and raised by his grandma. He was in the millitary during the 90's for a long period of time. And witnessed several people die in front of him. Also he was forced to kill people as well while serving. He's had what I would consider a tough life.
He is a great father and a great cook and has a good sense of humor and God-Fearing BUT he has cheated ( just recently on-line) lies compulsively, has memory loss, spends money we dont have and has no idea when or why he did it, time loss, will completely withdraw and not speak, has staring spells, constant headaches, can't keep a steady job cause of personality changes( he can quickly get a job because he is likable at first).
Absolutely no physical or verbal abuse towards me. Just emotional betrayals. Which I now understand may not be his fault. I dont know who to be angry at.
The most recent, and the have been many, I walked in on him trying to cancel an account for a dating site. He said he had no idea that he had joined and the only way he knew about it was because his bank account online showed where he had used his credit card. He showed it to, he had taken nude pics and was speaking to other women in a way that was not appropriate and did not sound like him. I wanted help because he said he was tiered of hiding the truth from me. That he has things that are happening to him that he can't explain. He was scared he was losing his sanity. What may have been a trigger for him is that he lost both of his jobs in May and I am a stay at home mom.

How I'm feeling at this point. Scared, confused, I'm not sure who to project my anger at, I want to leave but I want to help him at the same time. I love him and I don't like him at the same time. It seems unfair to me. But it is unfair to him also because it's something he can't help. I don't know if I can deal with this anymore!!!!:

Excuse the post about Sweet and Sour Chicken earlier. That was copy and past mistake. Sorry

Attheendofmyrope wrote:How I'm feeling at this point. Scared, confused, I'm not sure who to project my anger at, I want to leave but I want to help him at the same time. I love him and I don't like him at the same time. It seems unfair to me. But it is unfair to him also because it's something he can't help. I don't know if I can deal with this anymore!!!!:

That certainly is a LOT for one person to deal with. And the emotional confusion is also tough! Regardless of who these emotions are properly directed at, they need to be expressed. I suggest both you and your husband seek help, separately at first, so you can express your emotions with someone who can validate them and offer good suggestions from years of experience. There are wonderful, amazing therapists and psychologists out there, who do help people like your husband. I definitely believe in therapy, having been in it myself.

I am very happy to hear your husband has not abused you. I am DID myself, and I was in a relationship with another DID, and there was a lot of emotional confusion when some alters would hurt me, but then others didn't. I think that expressing these feelings and learning how to tell your H about them is very important.

How are your kids doing?

Honey, being unemployed is very difficult but I would be suspicious about a connection between the ages of your children and your husband's overt symptoms. It often happens that someone who has been able to repress or dissociate their unprocessed trauma for many years has a crisis and becomes overtly symptomatic when their own children reach the age they were when they were abused. Their children are triggers. This is what usually happens to survivors of childhood abuse, with or without DID as a result of the abuse. People with DID dissociate it rather than repress it, but the result is much the same.

We all struggle with rage and wanting to blame someone, to hold someone accountable. But where does it begin? We were abused by caretakers who were themselves abused children and helplessly re-enacting their own abuse. So perhaps we should blame their parents, or their parents' parents, or... Some people blame God. Many of us blame ourselves, sometimes inappropriately.

Attheendofmyrope wrote:That he has things that are happening to him that he can't explain. He was scared he was losing his sanity.

This is normal for someone with DID. Totally normal, rational, and not in the least insane. The paradox is this: thinking he is going crazy proves he is not going crazy! People who go crazy generally are not able to see that they are going crazy.

It is very important that he is admitting to you that strange things are going on inside. That is the sign of a good man who is committed to you, in at least one alter. If you can stand by him, and he continues to work on his recovery, the future of your life together may be brilliant indeed.

Will his therapist give you any telephone support? You can always post here, and you can this is a really great support group. But in addition I recommend that you find some other people in your life who can support you in person or by telephone. I have a network of people I call: a few old friends, an aunt, a few people from support groups online, but most of my network are wise older people I know through work or hobbies or bare acquaintances. I simply thought who might be able to hear about my stuff and support me, and approached them saying I need to talk about something personal, and began with just an outline. Some people I approached quickly withdrew from me, or even said they couldn't cope with it. Others said something like "call me any time" and they have been awesome.

Does your husband have a support group in addition to therapy? Do you feel able to let him come on here?

Wow, Thank you doe-eyed and Una for your replies, it means so much to read everyone's posts because I don't feel like I'm alone anymore!
My husband seems to like the thearpist he's going to. The only thing is after a session he says he feels really stressed out and I notice he becomes quiet for a long while. I try to talk to him and ask how did things go, but he just says things went ok. I don't know if its a good idea for me to ask about the sessions. What do you guys suggest I do?
The kids are doing great. For the most part they don't realise anything different, except they did see when I got really upset with my H for the on-line dating site issue in June. I really hate they saw that. But they haven't mentioned it since. But I'm sure its in their memory (they are really observant). My husband treats them like Gold. He really enjoys being a father.
The amazing thing is, I also often wondered if my children could be a trigger, they are all boys and my oldest will soon be the age my H was when he was molested. I am really thankful that my husband trusted me enough earlier in our relationship to tell me about something that I'm sure has been a source of pain in his life. And now just recently admitting that strange things are happening to him I'm sure was not easy to do.
The hard part for me is that at least one of his alters really has no respect for me and doesn't care about our marriage. I haven't met this alter personally but I have read many of his coversations with several women on a secret e-mail account my H showed me. I'm seriously concerned about that alter. Is there a way I can meet him, or is that not a good idea? I'm hoping I can sit in on another session with my H soon.
My H doesn't have many friends due to his personality changes/mood swings. I have heard people comment about him and sometimes they just don't know what to make of him. He did confide in our Pastor about the recent events. He doesn't have a support group in addition to his thearpy. I think it would be good for him to join this forum so that he can also see that he is not alone. However he doesn't know I'm on here. I will gradually bring it up to him. I needed somewhere to go for understanding of DID and you guys have helped me so much!!!

Attheendofmyrope wrote:I don't feel like I'm alone anymore!

That is at once the good and bad of it: you are not alone! Even when you felt alone, you were not. You just didn't know it. You are one of ... hundreds of thousands perhaps even millions of spouses dealing with the same $#%^!

Attheendofmyrope wrote:after a session he says he feels really stressed out and I notice he becomes quiet for a long while. I try to talk to him and ask how did things go, but he just says things went ok. I don't know if its a good idea for me to ask about the sessions. What do you guys suggest I do?

It is okay to ask, or not ask. It is perhaps also okay for him not to tell you. You might say more to him about what you would like to know. I personally want to debrief with my husband after each session. Sometimes I have to wait a day or so to process something before I am ready to talk, but more often I need that debrief to happen as soon as possible. I need him to know who I am and what is happening to me, and to receive his comforting, reassurance, hugs and kisses. If I am too upset for sex, or I am crying, I want him to know why so there is never any doubt in his mind that maybe it is about him. This is especially important because I have an alter who longs for another man.

Attheendofmyrope wrote:at least one of his alters really has no respect for me and doesn't care about our marriage.

That is typical. None of mine considered themselves to be married, and to Teen Girl it came as a total and very unpleasant shock.

Attheendofmyrope wrote:I haven't met this alter personally but I have read many of his coversations with several women on a secret e-mail account my H showed me. I'm seriously concerned about that alter. Is there a way I can meet him, or is that not a good idea?

Sure you can meet him, and I would make that a priority. One way you can meet him is to e-mail him at that address he uses. If you like him, you could even court him. That could be hot! At some point you'll meet him in person, although he may be very frightened. Has he ever met up with a woman in person, or does he only come out online?

Attheendofmyrope wrote:He did confide in our Pastor about the recent events.

Did this include confiding about the dissociated identities? How well is the pastor taking it all in? Does he seem to be well informed? Would it be useful to give him a book to read?