Exhausted

*Possible Trigger Warning: deals with specific alter roles*


I am so tired. So so tired. My mind feels like melted ice cream. Nothing left but a sticky puddle of goop.

goop!

-whimper-

We've been doing nothing but moving for the past week. Moving and cleaning. Cleaning and moving. New house, new area, new surroundings, new driving directions, new routine... all new. I'm so tired and stressed out I don't even feel the stress.

i wanna go home...

scary. everything scary. bed still same. bed still safe. safe in room behind door. -whimper-

There's so much stuff to do still, like chores... So much stuff to get used to. So much adjusting.

Laundry's pointless; we're just going to wear the clothes again. Cleaning the room's pointless; it'll just get cluttered again. Unpacking's pointless; we're not staying here for long. Going through stuff is pointless; we should just get rid of all the sh*t that can't fit in a couple suitcases and a backpack to help us be more mobile. Everything's pointless. Let's just get high and watch netflix all day.

Rain's got her hands full with Lynn, who doesn't like all the change and spends most of the time crying. We don't have AC or a good fan in the place we had to move to, and none of us do well with heat. Especially stagnant, muggy, heat. The new Cassidy is a constant concern. My "secondary circle" of alters seems to be surfacing and "answering to needs" more than my "main circle", which is weird to me. Everything feels so chaotic and gloomy and stressful. I feel like boiling water that's just barely still in the pot.

new things. cats new. want chase. small dog new. -growl- don't like dog. threat. threat. my bed mine. my room mine. territory mine. dog need learn place. dog not alpha.

We need to get off our lazy @$$ and get a f*#king job. Move's done, now on to the next thing. I'm tired of being a f*#king leech. I'm tired of all this f*#king concern that we aren't stable enough for a job. I'll make us stable enough. It's time we got our sh*t together. We're not a f*#king kid anymore, we're not a f*#king teenager, and we're not getting those years back. Time to stop trying to make up for "lost time" and get the f*#k back on track.

There's so much to do and no time to do it in. And I'm already so behind...

Life is merciless. You will never get a break from it. It will continue going even if you've stopped. It won't wait for you, for us, for anyone. It doesn't care if you lose your job, lose your family, lose your dreams. It just keeps on going, and if you don't keep going with it, it'll leave you behind. It doesn't care how much you've been through. There will never be a break, a pause, a vacation, a sigh of relief. If you don't want to go on to the next day, that's too bad, because life will go to that next day without you. But if you've stopped living already, then what's the point of running around trying to play catch-up? And if you never get a break, then what's the point of continuously running around anyways? Life doesn't care about anything. Why should I?

i wanna go home...

I don't even really know what the point of this post is...I guess I just needed to rant a bit...I just feel so overwhelmed. Like I'm swimming and doing my best but I'm still drowning. I hope that now the moving's done things will start to calm down. Because I don't know how much more of this I can take...I'm just so tired...

I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

Shake it off, suck it up, and let's get sh*t done.

I think my head would hurt if I wasn't so tired.

Hey. I know what you mean. Life is relentless and doesn't care if you're tired and need a break, or sometimes it feels that way. So much to do, never any time for yourself, and it grinds you down if you let it. I'm in a similar place, so I haven't got any magic answers. One thing that's helped me a bit is to think of things this way: It's kind of like running a marathon. Everyone starts out at the same point. Only in this marathon, some of us are carrying really heavy backpacks. But we still expect ourselves to be able to run as well as someone who isn't carrying a backpack, and has had all the training, support, blah, blah, and we beat ourselves up if we feel tired more quickly or need to take more breaks. OK, it's not a perfect analogy but you get what I mean. Like what you're doing now: moving is one of the most stressful things for anyone. For you, you've also got to deal with everyone else's feelings (like Cassie, Lynn, the 'new' alters and everyone) so you're managing like ten times the stress that someone else would feel.

I think there are ways to slow things down, though, and be able to take things at a pace that's easier for you. I think Kat's got the right idea, though she may be pushing you all a bit hard (No offence, Kat). But if you can achieve just one thing in a day, it makes everything seem more manageable. Like, for example, 'today I'll unpack that box' or 'today I'll go out and see where my nearest curry house is' (that'd be one of my priorities ). Then when you've done that, yeah, get high and watch Netflix (or whatever) and let everything else go hang until the next day. Go easy on yourself, you'll get there. Thinking of you.

I feel the same. I'm going through a lot of upheaval right now. I want to hit the "pause" button on the world. I want to make it stop. I need a break.

If I can't get things done I break it into tiny steps, I'd tell myself to take one thing out of one box and put it away, and that's all. X

Just sending you a big hug, a warm bath, a nice cup of relaxing tea, a soft music, or anything else that relaxes all parts of you!

And for all parts of you, and especially the 24 year old 'red' one: I totally understand you! But it it overwhelming to move places. For any normal person it takes weeks to settle, and from your post i suspect you have moved a lot lately. No doubt you are all very tired! Again, that is normal! But again I'm like you myself and I would love that everything in our lives had played out smoothly so we had accomplished more. I'm 28 years old, and my main characters are 21 (or younger) so i do understand you. But relax! Give them a break, so they can catch up with you, and you

And for all of you:
Thanks so much for posting. I love all the posts of you i've read so far, and one by one they help me a lot to accept that what i feel is not 'alien'. That i'm not the only human being feeling like this.
This time i especially liked your part where you describe that life moves on, even when your on pause.
So right on. And sets me thinking again.

Sending you unconditional love,
for i truly appreciate who you are!

Thanks,
Me
(mostly 28 year old)

P.s. Still quite new here, so i'm working on making clear who is writing.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and kind replies! They're much appreciated.
And welcome, Lotfosme! This is a safe and supportive place, and I hope you find it helpful! I'm glad that my posts have been able to help you so far, and am quite flattered , so thank you.

So far, my main focus has been to get laundry done so we have clean clothes, and to keep up with the dishes. That's it. No unpacking just yet (most of our everyday stuff is either already unpacked or easy to get to), and no pressure on anything like fixing up the room. Just clean clothes and dishes. And so far, I've been doing it! I'm up to my last load of laundry today, and I'm going to unload and reload the dishwasher tonight after I cook dinner. With this move being so temporary, I don't think we'll be unpacking much anyway. We're only staying here until around mid September, then we're moving again to a more permanent place. Luckily, after the move I'll be helping my Grandma and Aunt drive down to their winter home in Arizona, and I'll be able to stay down there with them for a week or two of "vacation". I'm hoping that will help me get sort of re-centered in a way and after that, with no more moving or anything to worry about, I'll turn my attention to a job. About d@mn time. Oh, shut up. -deep breath- So yeah, just taking it one day at a time so far, with some mild future plans, but nothing too stressful. I'm not feeling as tired anymore, but things are still a bit chaotic mentally. Hopefully that'll calm down with a bit more time, though.

Again, thank you for your replies! And Kerry H, I hope things get better for you soon. -hugs if wanted- I know needing a break isn't easy. Be sure to be kind to yourself and take time to make yourself as calm and relaxed as possible.