Dual/Parallel Thoughts - suicidal/trigger

I'm relapsing. I've not started treatment but I Had been doing well. The other day I heard my voices in my head again, and now I'm suffering terribly from dual thoughts or parallel thoughts. Basically, imagine 2 brains in your head. 2 people. one wanting the opposite of the other. One wants to stay well and do well and stay healthy and behave and live, the other wants to hurt and destroy and not love and basically destroy myself.

ALL DAY LONG, I've been having dual thoughts about harming myself, but not minorly, seriously. Cutting and hanging... I mean, normally I get fleeting suicidal thoughts and that's fine, I've learnt to deal with that, but this again. I can't deal with this. Has anyone got any advice?

I might try and see my GP early this time around, see if she has any suggestions. I just want to give in, and it's even harder because my carer is getting tired, and I feel so guilty because she's so worried I'm heading back for a nose dive spiral. And I'm concerned for this too, and I really don't want to wind up in hospital again, but these dual thoughts want me to hang myself so badly! Hilfe!

Thanks in advance.

It does sound exhausting to have such conflict - you are doing so well to come and ask for support! My question to the part of you that wants to end it is 'why?' Will this punish someone? Will it stop your fear? Pain? What is the worse thing that can happen if you stay here? What is the best thing that can happen if you stay here? It seems sometimes we get stuck in how we felt helpless when we were being hurt....and you are not there anymore. You are older, bigger, stronger....hopefully not around the person/people who hurt you. Things ARE different. Every day...

Tenacity...the ability to press on when it all seems hopeless can be a guiding light to others. I saw a magnet once that said "She was the light others saw at the end of the tunnel...." she led them through it....

Your being able to pull through this is not just for yourself, but for those who look to you as an example; for those here on this very board who may be going through similar things. You have something to offer them. HOW you put one foot in front of the other and made it out of the dark tunnel and into the light is a gift. It is Hope.

I would encourage you again to understand 'through'. Trials are things we pass THROUGH. it may seem that we are down low...but I have also held onto the concept that I will NOT make the edge of the rut my horizon. And you needn't either. The worse has happened, has it not? Whatever created the need to split... and it is done and you survived. I am Thankful you survived! You are precious and loved and to that part of you that is struggling to stay positive - I hope that these words give you some strength. And to the part that wants to give in...it's ok. We all feel that way sometimes - we just don't have to stay there..ok? It's ok to let it go...the anxiety, fear, worry, depression, anger. Let it go and find those little things that make life worth living. The smile you can give someone who needs it.....smiles have saved lives.

For real. Mine included. I could tell you my story and it'd probably go viral as one of those sappy forwards on an email. But for real. You are important.
You WILL be ok.
You can do this!
((safe hugs if wanted!))

Thank You for your reply. I don't know why that part of me wants to die. I've not figured it out. I guess because going on in that mindset is so hard, it's like that part of me is stuck in time from when I was really sad and when I was being abused as a teenager. The sole purpose would be to escape. I thought I'd escaped by now, having moved out of my home and moved on in my life, but it's followed me, a trapped version of me has followed me around and is haunting me.

I think. This is just speculation at my circumstances. I'm asking for help because the present me wants to live, and that's the conflict here. It was kind of easier when we all wanted to die, but now one of us wants to live, and has things to live for, like you say people to smile for, people to stay strong for the inner conflict is more painful than when we all wanted to go.

I have the love of my life to stay for, and that's why I'm asking for help. I lied today though, and said I was OK when I'm not, and now she's gone out and I'm home alone. I'm never home alone for the reason that I can't be trusted to be home alone, and I'm feeling dangerous. I'm feeling like I'm teetering no the verge of my true self and my destructive self, I'm torn between the two.

And I'm struggling. I'm going to try and stay distracted, that sometimes works, and sleep. Hopefully the time will whittle away and I will be OK again. Hopefully.

Thank you for your kind words and pep talk. xx

Are you able to conference with your alter(s)? I think it is very important to work out a 'no harm' contract. Someone (or a part of you) may not want to agree - but even if reluctant, it is binding... Our T gave us this:

I will not kill or injure any person or part, inernal or external, nor cause harm to any property, accidentally or on purpose. The signature of any one part is binding upon all parts.

This means that there is accountability for everyone...and I know that in an extreme case, how is there accountability? But that is the point, I suppose. That if any part does not agree to that extreme decision (to end life) then it must not happen.

As far as your own feelings...yes..detaching can work for a bit. I hope that your T can help you and this part of you to have some healing so that things do no feel so bleak. Take care! Thinking about you!!! Hold on to those good things!

Thank You.

Hey. My name's L.C. I don't do pep-talk sh*t well but I figured I could add my two-cents in here, and maybe my story will help you understand your destructive self a bit better.

*Warning: May trigger. Talk of self harm*

I'm 16. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, possible eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, yadda yadda yadda. I'm apathetic to just about everything, I used to cut, I've tried to set my hoodie on fire while wearing it, I've OD'ed twice, I've climbed over an overpass fence twice, and I've tried to step out into traffic 3 times. In our little "mind world" where I have my own "room", I cut as much as I want, I choke myself, I burn myself; I do whatever Cassandra and the others won't let me do because I have different coping methods than they do, and sometimes I want to die and they don't. Though I must make it clear, I don't cut because I want to die. Cutting was just a coping method of mine that worked for me. I never cut in dangerous places. (In our mind though, I "cut" wherever I want to at the time).

Here's why I do what I do/did: Painful memories, painful emotions, painful flashbacks, depression. For Cassandra, stuff's in the past. It might be painful for her to remember it, but not painful enough to cause an emotional reaction because most of her pain is my pain. For me, stuff has never truly gone away and most of it seems like it happened just yesterday all over again. I remember sh*t more than she does because she's 21. I'm still 16. I'm still "there", and she's not. Make sense? It's like a flashback that never truly ends; you might not be reliving it at the moment, but the memories tend to haunt you and your mindset never really changes despite changes to time, surroundings, etc.

I used to cut because it helped me cope. I never saw anything wrong with it mainly because I never cut in dangerous areas. As I still say, "All I'm doing is letting others see the wounds and scars I hide inside of me". In essence, I'm turning emotional and mental wounds into physical ones. Cutting was never painful to me; I didn't use the supposed pain as a distraction because I never really felt much pain until the next day or so. But it was like a pressure release; I'd feel so overwhelmed with emotion(s), then I'd cut, then I'd wash away the blood which would "wash away" my emotions with it, and then everything was better. I'd bandage myself up, I was stress free, I didn't care about anything anymore, and I went on with my day as usual. I'd probably still be cutting if the others would let me.

But I'm not the only one in this body, and as apathetic as I can be, I have to respect that. It's not fair for them to deal with stuff like new cuts and scars. Do I care when I'm "in the moment"? No, not at all. But I care outside of "the moment", when my head's clear, and I hear someone like Cassie crying because now that I'm not the only one out in control, she can feel the physical pain that I don't feel. It's not fair to Cassandra and Rain to have to hide cuts and scars from our family members, to have to lie to our friends, or any of that sh*t. It's not fair to them to pay for something that I did, even if it's helpful to me. So I agreed that I'd try to not cut anymore. Do I slip up sometimes when things get overwhelming? Of course I do, no one's perfect. But I try to remember and remind myself that cutting doesn't only affect me, it affects everyone sharing this body/mind, and even though I don't care about that "in the moment", I try to remind myself that I'll care about it later as I watch everyone else deal with the cuts until they heal.

Here's what I do instead of cutting: I write poetry. I used to do that even when I was cutting, but now that the body isn't physically in the unsafe environment anymore, poetry seems to help more than it used to. I listen to music that helps express my emotions for me; if I'm alone, I'll sing/shout/scream along with it. If I'm not alone, I'll lip-sync to it, sometimes I'll whisper-sing/scream it, and surprisingly, that can help more than you think. I draw "cuts" on my arms in red washable marker, sometimes the visual stuff helps. I wear rubber bands on my wrist that I'll snap to cause pain. (Sometimes I'll do other things such as pinching myself or biting my fingers to cause pain and distract me, but it's never anything dangerous or long-lasting). I write about how I feel and what I'm thinking about; sometimes all I write down is thoughts, not caring about structure or whether something's an actual sentence or anything. It's rant-writing. I draw, sometimes to express my emotions and sometimes to escape from them. I smoke cigarettes when I need to take a step back and calm down a bit, but don't start smoking just for that reason. I smoke marijuana to help stuff like my PTSD; it also helps my depression emotions and helps "make" me eat. And as I said before, I do whatever I want to do in our little "mental world" where I have my own "body".

Sometimes, I get suicidal. I don't see the point in anything, and I want to die and end it all. But I've learned something throughout my few suicide attempts, especially with the 2 OD's. Suicide is extremely selfish. You will ALWAYS affect someone else, whether it's family, friends, or even strangers; someone will always be affected by it. And how fair is that? Sure, you don't care anymore, you're dead; but by trying to escape your baggage by killing yourself, you make your last act into baggage for someone else. Perhaps it's a doctor who tried to save you from an OD of pills; maybe it's the officer who found your body; it could be a friend or family member who miss you and wonder why; there will always be someone affected. I wrote a poem called "Rejecting Suicide" after I realized how selfish suicide is. There's a couple lines that go like this: "If no one will cry, I will say goodbye. But this is not for me, So from life I will not be free". It means that the only way I'd commit suicide is if I found a way to where it never affected anyone. But that's not possible, so I'll never do it.
Along with realizing that suicide is selfish, I learned to remind myself to put things in perspective as much as possible. There is always someone who has a worse life than you; there will always be someone who's been through more than you; and EVERYONE has times where they want to give up on life and don't find it worth living anymore but they continue pushing through it. You are never alone in how you feel; there's always someone who feels the same way you do; there's always someone who feels worse than you do; and there's always someone who has the same thoughts as you. It's easy to get wrapped up in thoughts like "I'm so alone", "No one understands", "No one knows my pain", etc. And in the moment it's so easy to not care about affecting anyone with any attempted/successful suicide. But that's when you have to remind yourself of these things and keep it in perspective. If you can't remind yourself mentally, leave notes for yourself. Do whatever you can to remind yourself of this stuff. And make yourself safe. When you feel like this, hide and/or lock away all sharp objects, belts/rope-like stuff, pills, etc. Or have a friend take them. I let the others hide stuff from me if they feel like they need to.

I still get suicidal sometimes. When I do, these things usually help me: I write out a suicide letter. I don't ever show anyone it, but I write it out anyway. Usually when I'm done writing goodbyes (since I tend to write personalized goodbyes), I realize how many people I'd be saying goodbye to and I realize how many people would be affected and care about me. I write about why and how I want to die; sometimes just getting my thoughts on paper can help me feel better. I sometimes draw out my suicide ideas as another outlet to help express what I want at the moment without actually doing it. I do completely opposite stuff to how I feel, such as watching a funny movie or listening to happy music. Sometimes I'll make myself go outside like for a walk, or I'll force myself to go socialize somehow, usually by hanging out with a friend. I find that even if I don't want to do it at first, it ends up distracting me from myself and helps me feel at least non-suicidal anymore.

Perhaps see if any of the stuff I do will help your destructive self. (As long as you know that letting them do things like draw out their suicide ideas won't make it worse). If you can, try to communicate as much as possible. Try to find out why they do this, why they want to do this. The more you can understand, the better you can help your destructive self. If they are trapped in that time period of your life, try to help un-trap them. Try some self-talk, "mother" yourself in a way; give yourself a break and help yourself to feel a safe and relaxed as possible, like eating comfort foods or hugging a stuffed animal. It could also be that the distractions you try, such as letting time "whittle away" your destructive self's thoughts and desires, could be making it worse. You could be simply burying your destructive self instead of trying to help them. Maybe letting your destructive self express those feelings, thoughts, and desires through safe outlets will help get those out of your system so that the next time they "bubble up", they won't be as strong because they'll have had some release. And therapy is always an option. Despite the fact that I didn't always like it or want to go, or the fact that I rarely participated in it, I do admit, it was helpful. And when I did participate, it was only that much more helpful. So don't shove therapy off to the side if you're unsure about it or something.

I think I've rambled enough though. I hope this was somewhat helpful in some way, otherwise I just wasted space on here and your time. One last thing I'd like to add is a quote of mine that I say to others and myself, it's really the only pep-talkish thing I have. "Life is like a painting canvas. Whether it's clean, stained, or already has something painted on it, there's nothing you can't paint over with your own choices. Nothing can stop you from turning the canvas given to you in to your own work of art".

~L.C.

LC- WEll said!! Great ideas and great advice. You've come a long way!

Thanks for you reply L.C. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

Especially the self harm: that is EXACTLY how I am about it. It's like a part of me doesn't care, does it, bandages it gets on with it, then I see it later and I'm balling my eyes out.

Some of your advice is really good, I think I'll write down some of those into a coping action plan. We established today with my psych that this is all down to ho my parents are with me and that maybe I'm stuck because they won't help me fix things before moving on.

I really struggle with the suicidal or "murderous" as my psych described it, side of me. It's something I struggle to control. But letting them vent is probably a good idea like you said, letting them write and draw and paint their imagery out. I think this will help open channels of communication.

I smoke for the same reasons too.

Thanks for your reply, it was really useful! xx

Luvmycats wrote:LC- WEll said!! Great ideas and great advice. You've come a long way!

Thank you.
~L.C.

Neely wrote:Thanks for you reply L.C. I can relate to a lot of what you said.
Thanks for your reply, it was really useful! xx

You're welcome. Hope it continues to be helpful when you try the coping sh*t and stuff.
~L.C.