need help! **trigger warning***

***major trigger warning**** please only read if you are stable!

I was reading a book which described a woman, when she was 5, being raped. This triggered something in me. I couldn't sit still. It seemed all too familiar. I mean...I knew at an early age what went where. I can almost feel the pain. I KNOW that I should know what it feels like to be a child and having a penis forced in you. However, the first two times I had sex as a teenager, I bled. I looked online and there are people that say your hymen doesn't have to break all the way. That you can be raped and then years later bleed! Is this true? Is it possible? I have never heard of such a thing! Is there medical evidence to support this? It could change a lot of things. I know I am not stupid, but this has me challenging some of my reality.

Hi there... I am not an OB/GYN... That said, it does not surprise me if you bled the first couple times you had sex. Here's why. If you were nervous/not quite ready and not (excuse me, but I will just be blunt) well lubricated - the intercourse could have given you small tears. (Trigger warning - more graphic description) If the boy was a novice as well, he could have been a little clumsy (aiming low and hitting your perineum for example) or even using fingers first, too hard... there are really a lot of different scenarios which could have caused the bleeding (force, position, etc) This is esp true because it happened more than once.

Additionally, as a teen, your hormones are not as regulated as they may be now, as an adult. I know that I 'spotted' several times between cycles. What you describe could have been due to when you had sex in relation to your cycle (did you start a couple days after either situation?) Sometimes we don't think about the spotting under normal circumstances.

I would not disregard the feelings you have regarding your memories though. What is important is how they make you feel. You feel pain and fear. Even people made to witness other people being hurt - can feel it as if it occurred to them. So...let's say your memory was incomplete, but you were exposed to something dreadful. It is not to say you did not feel empathy on a level that gives you the feelings you have. And that's extremely valid... Take care!

you heme can repair itself, there something that if you don't have sex for like 5 or 10 years you "re-virginise" yourself. I was molested as a child and when I had sex again, I didn't bleed but it hurt like hell. and I am told you get tighter by not having sex for awhile.

*** trigger warning***

I'm not sure about the hymen thing because I don't know much about medical stuff. But I do know from personal experience that you don't have to be a virgin to bleed from having sex. I bled for quite a few times (on separate occasions over a series of months) when I remember "first" having sex, even though he wasn't (or at least didn't seem to me...) really super rough or anything.

***end triggers***

I'm sorry for what your memories and somatic symptoms seem to be telling you. I know how awful that feeling is too. Try to be gentle with yourself and trust in what you feel is your personal truth.

How are you feeling about this stuff that has come up for you?

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies to such a tough subject.

As for how I am feeling about it......I am fine as always. I compartmentalize things. Everything. What may send me into a panic today disappears tomorrow. I guess that is a benefit of being "us".