confused ??new to group

Not sure where to start ,i was abused as child but had repressed it wasn't until i gave birth to my daughter that i started having flash backs . i have had loads of counselling over the past 15 years but i am still no further forward in feeling any way better . what is better ? i was due to start EMDR 2 weeks ago when i went i was told i wouldn't be able to have this as i have to much of a blank spell in my child hood it is not just the abuse that is erased its like my life from the ages of 5 to 15 is not get i can't really remember anything . well when i was at the therapists 2 weeks ago he kept mentioning dissociations all the time to me and saying how i have always scored high . this is the first time any of the therapist have brought this up to me . what i am thinking now is do i have DID . i actually have times when i am in situations where i can't remember what has been said or what people have done , and they look at me as though i am stupid . take the other day my daughter said she was sick of me keep picking on her , i really can't not remember picking on her ,then next thing i know we are in the middle of a full blown row my daughter is in tears at something i have said which i don't know what has been said .i couldn't comfort her as i felt i wasn't even in my own body but then this feeling of rage came over me rage at me i wanted to hurt myself . i kept saying in my head how i was a piece of crap ,and i am no good . i just ran from the room and locked myself in my room i needed to get away but it was still going through my head .

i don't even know who i am , what i like , can't even make decisions in case the decision is wrong . my kids say i am like dr jekyll mr hyde never know which way i am going to be .

should i ask my therapist about this or just leave it as if he thought it wouldn't he say ?

Welcome! I think you may have come to the right support group.

You asked wouldn't your therapist tell you what he really thinks is going on with you? Sadly, many otherwise competent therapists would not do that. Many would assume you are not ready to hear it. Some would not be ready to cope with a client with DID, so they avoid the diagnosis like the plague.

You could ask your therapist point blank "So, do you think I have a major dissociative disorder? When do I get an expert diagnostic assessment? Let's start with the Dissociative Experiences Scale. Here, I already took it out and scored it for you. The next step would be an assessment by a specialist using the SCID-D-R."

When I got a mental test for my (now ex) husbands criminal trail the therapist told me I have "dissociative disorder" and show signs of DID but didn't want to go any farther with testing to figure it out. Just stated that I needed therapy 3 times a week. Granted I never went back. but I know a lot of therapist don't want to actually diagnosis anyone with DID

thank you for your responses , this is the first time i have seen this T as he was the person that was supposed to be doing my emdr but he has decided on trying something else. he has given me another test i have to do that i have to take in tomorrow , i think it is another dissociation test . i would actually prefer a diagnoses least i would know why i behave the way i do .like why i can't explain how i feel ,why i am so empty inside ,why i can't manage in relationships and in social things i just can't cope as i never know who i am going to be so i tend to stay away from most people now .its like i have became different people towards different people .i tend not look in the mirror anymore as i don't no who the hell i am looking at anymore its like i dont reconginse myself .

i think i have been sort of scared to ask the question and to be totally honest about everything with my previous counsellor as i am always scared in case it impacts on my kids . As when you meet counsellors for the first time they always say when you have kids if at any time they feel that they is anything they feel may be a problem for your kids safety they will have to break your trust .my kids aren't in danger from me but i have mentioned several times that i have thought i am better off dead and the counsellor jumps on that and that scares me that they may take my kids away from me.that they may think that i am mentally unfit to have them ,my kids are the only things in the world that actually keep me grounded .my kids are my everything .

as you can see i have major trust issues my kids dad was a alcholic and he actually treated me really badly i have since left him , and i was assualted a year ago so i have had alot of trauma in my life from being born . so now i just like to be honest with me and get straight to the point ,so maybe i should just ask my T tomorrow and see what he says guess if i have a episode while there im in the right place ,thanks again for taking the time for me x

Dang. I had a huge response for you. Sometimes they just disappear. Short story: this is a great place to come to. I'm glad you have a T apt tmw...and you might search for 'communicating' with alters for some ideas if no one has presented themselves to you consciously. Some use journals or sticky notes.... Take care!