Can't stand to look myself in the mirror

My alters have been doing some pretty bad things to my fiance, and it's causing problem in the relationship.

I'm being a b*tch accidently. I can't help it. I can't control it.

I can't look at myself in the mirror. I can't stomach myself. I want to be somebody else.

How do you handle when your alters make mistakes? How do I let them know that their behavior is not acceptable?

(They've been starting stupid fights with my fiance mainly, and stressing him out. I've become quite the handful.)

I can understand this completely, and know exactly how you feel and where you're coming from. -hugs if wanted- Stay strong, and ask your SO to stay strong with you.

Kat, one of my more angry alters, has the habit of constantly insulting my boyfriend Mike. Though she does it playfully, she often crosses the boundaries of being actually insulting, and it causes problems, often small fights. And if she's in a bad mood, she can be quite the b*tch. Early on in our relationship, when Kat was still called Kataki, she was a handful both verbally and physically. She cheated on my boyfriend once and boasted to him about it even (because she wasn't the one with a boyfriend, as she put it). Rebel, though she doesn't show up often, does not consider Mike to be her boyfriend, so she has no qualms about being mean to him when she feels like it. And Cassie, being 8, is a queen about pouting and she unintentionally makes Mike feel horrible every time he forgets something like that they were supposed to play a game or go to the park.

The best way to try and help these "handful" situations is communication. Ask them why they're being mean to your SO, and let them know how it hurts both him and you. They may or may not realize that their actions affect you negatively. When they're out and being mean, have your SO try to talk to them calmly and ask them why they're behaving in such a way and if they realize how they make you feel. If they don't care or talking doesn't have an impact on them, perhaps try finding the cause and then safe outlets for their anger/mean behaviour. Are they angry because you have an SO? Do they not like your SO? Do they perhaps want time out that isn't around your SO? Or is it something that's simply being projected on to your SO? Something may be triggering your anger, but it's being expressed as b*tchy behaviour and released in stupid fights. Perhaps they could keep a journal about their thoughts/mean comments, or if they feel like fighting maybe they could learn to leave the room and get some air to calm down. Maybe you could have them scream into a pillow, or punch a pillow; something they can use as an outlet for their anger that's not your SO. Maybe you can reach an agreement to having you be the only one to handle a fight with your SO or something. You could even reach a trading arrangement, to where if they remain civil to your SO then they get to do something, eat something, or maybe see something they enjoy (within reason, of course).

Make sure you have communication with your SO as well. Remind him that you love him, that you don't mean to behave in such a way, and that you certainly don't mean to cause any extra stress. He probably already knows this, but remind him of it anyway. It can help reassure him that despite the difficult time you're both going through, you don't mean it and you still care for him and want to be with him. Apologize for "your" behaviour, and let him know that you want to work on it with him. Maybe you two can come to an agreement, such as if an alter tries to start a fight he simply walks away or something to avoid it. Have him help to not escalate the situation; instead of him fighting back, have him ignore the comments or something. I know my boyfriend ignores a lot, and if things get too heated, he either goes for a walk to cool down or steps out of the room for a bit. Are you seeing a therapist? Definitely bring this up in therapy if you do. Perhaps even see if your SO can come with you so that you can all work on this issue.

And finally, remember that even though your alters/others are a part of you, it is not YOU who is doing this, that other part of you is. YOU are not a b*tch, and YOU do not mean those things that "you" say to your SO. Coming to terms with the fact that your alters/others are parts of you is part of the healing process, but you all have to come to terms with that fact. Until then, you all will have your own actions, thoughts, and feelings, and you need to realize that even though parts of you may act this way, YOU do not and in no way is it YOUR fault. I know it can be hard and difficult, and I know it's frustrating to have your mouth say things you wouldn't say, but remember that these are very hurt parts of you and they need understanding and care. Be gentle to yourself, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with them. If your others stand by the mean things they say, maybe try to see things from their point of view and see if there's possibly any truth to their comments. I'm not saying you have to agree with what they say, but try to understand where it's coming from.

Again, I'm very sorry that you're going through a difficult time and that your SO is stressed because of it. Both of you need to stay strong and if things get tough, do things that remind yourselves of why you love each other, and remember that things will get better eventually. A storm can't last forever; eventually the sun will burn away the clouds. I wish you the best of luck with this, and hope things calm down for you soon.

Thanks for the reply. It really means a lot. I guess I feel like I'm pushing my SO away and I don't want to. I'm making his life miserable, and I know it. I've seen the kind of person I am through his eyes and I don't want to be that way any more. I want to be different. I'm sick of this sickness. It's causing so many problems. And yes, I do see a therapist. He doesn't want to go see her, but I do talk about this problem with my therapist, and so far she's given me tidbits of advice that have helped but not solved the problem. I split this morning after a terrible fight with my SO and (me) she says she can handle him being away (which is the main problem). So far it's working, but I've been depressed all day because of yesterday and all memebers of the system are in a wreck. Sorry, I'm rambiling, but I desperatley need someone to talk to.

I am unsure if I am DID or not.......but I know I have a part like yours. We call her "the angry one". All of my anger is directed at my H when this part is in control. I know it and my H knows it. We hurt him deeply and do not want to. I think he somehow understands and accepts that it cant be controlled. But there is an intense guilt over it. I cant advise you on how to deal with this.....I can only say you are not alone. And you are not rambling! Sometimes it just helps to say things "out loud" to anyone who will lend an ear. We are those "ears".....so ramble away!

I can definitely understand the feeling of pushing someone away when you don't want to. In a situation like this, I'm afraid your SO needs to step up and be the "bigger person". He needs to realize that YOU still want to be with him and that YOU'RE not doing this, and as I said before, he may need to be the one who leaves the room before a fight breaks out. I know that you don't want to act like this anymore and that it's frustrating beyond belief, but being angry at yourself won't help anything, and wishing to be someone else won't make it go away. Be kind to yourself, especially if the entire system is in a wreck. Take some quiet time, maybe a nap, watch a funny movie, eat some comfort food, a relaxing bath, do something for yourself to help relax and not focus on your worries for a bit. Help all of you to sort of re-center yourselves. A rattled and emotional brain is going to have a harder time dealing with this and finding solutions than a calm, centered brain that's refreshed and ready to tackle this again. Clear your mind, take a break, calm down, and then maybe try to handle this issue.

As far as your therapist goes, maybe it's time for your SO to go for your sake, so that you both can have a professional help you with this issue. I would definitely suggest it if things get worse. Perhaps you could even show him this posting so that he sees where you're coming from and why it'd be good to have him with you? And if your therapist isn't being helpful, maybe let her know that. When she gives advice, perhaps tell her, "I appreciate that, but it's not really helping", and make sure you're clear about how big of an issue this is to her. Let her know all of these feelings that you're expressing on here. Perhaps some sort of couples counseling may be needed to help?

Is it the fact that he's away so much that causes you to be depressed, or the fact that you're fighting so much now? And if your other can handle him being away, instead of being mean about it maybe you could work something out to where she's out when he's gone or something? Or if it's that your other needs alone time and can handle him being away because she wants him to go away, then maybe you can work out something to where she gets some alone time regularly, like going for a walk or something.

My alter Kat is perfectly fine by herself and hates anything that cuts into her independence. She's fine whenever my boyfriend's not home, but if I'm home alone for too long I get depressed and lonely and stuff. There's been plenty of times where I'll be so excited to pick him up from work and finally have him home (we live together), and then Kat will either come out or influence me greatly and his very presence will annoy me. It's frustrating, because I want to show him that I've missed him and that I love him, but all that comes out of my mouth is smart-@$$ comments and annoyed sarcasm. Sometimes my boyfriend can ignore these, or like I said he'll leave the room to cool down, but sometimes he comments back or tells me off. That hurts even more because I know that I'm being a b*tch but I can't stop myself, and I know that I'm only making the situation worse when all I really want to do is spend some time with him and be happy. Usually this ends with me either screaming angrily at him or saying some nasty comment because I'm so mad at myself, then bursting into tears because I know that I'm in the wrong and don't want to be, and my boyfriend hugging me and letting me cry it out. Sometimes you just have to stay strong and get through difficult stuff like this one step at a time.

Thanks for the support guys.

I'm going to write my therapist a letter to explain how difficult it is when my fiance is away. I need her to understand how bad it is. I need advice.

My fiance said he knows I don't mean to be a b*tch but sometimes I am. I don't want to be like that ever.

I feel like I'm pushing him away and I'm trying everything I can think to do to stay stable while he's gone, but I am completely alone in this house (there's six people that live her) so I feel like I could break down if I wanted to...but I want to save it for therapy when there's someone there to comefort me.


I've been drinking too which probally isn't a good idea, but it triggers me to be manic, and I need an escape from this depression.

Yeah, I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way too when I'm home alone. Except I'm not in therapy, so I end up breaking down because there really isn't anywhere else to do it. Perhaps along with not breaking down, you get in the habit of writing a list of things that you want to discuss in therapy. Maybe even keep a journal about how you feel when you're home alone. Sometimes I write/type every thought/feeling I have, and while it may or may not make me feel better, I at least have a better understanding of how I react to being alone and it helps others to understand what I go through if I show it to them.

Maybe try to take up a steady hobby when he's gone, like drawing or writing or going for a walk. Something to help take up your time and mind so that you're not completely focused on the fact that you're alone. I know that if I'm able to distract myself I don't get nearly as depressed when I'm home alone. Maybe even set up time for your others if they want to come out and can handle being alone. They could be the ones drawing or going for a walk even.

I can understand the drinking, too. I smoke marijuana to help bring my mood up, or to help calm anxiety. It also helps me to stay "here" and it helps me to switch back. L.C.'s a big fan of taking things like LSD as an escape/distraction for her stuff sometimes (she calls it a "mind reset"). And Rebel likes to drink any time she's able to because she likes being drunk and "partying"; it helps cheer her up. So you're not alone in those coping tactics either. It's a good thing that you realize it may not be the best thing, but sometimes, at that moment, we need those things; and sometimes they help more than anything else (as long as it's done safely and not habitually of course).

I just can't wait for the day when I can handle these things. I don't want t be like this any more and I can't express that enough. I hate what I've become.

-hugs if wanted- My sympathies are with you. I completely understand how you feel; I've felt the same way before myself. Just never give up on yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that you have support here. Stay strong and take it one step at a time.

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote:I just can't wait for the day when I can handle these things. I don't want t be like this any more and I can't express that enough. I hate what I've become.

I'm sorry- I know how awful this feels. Been there so many times too. I can't pull myself out when this happens and for me it can be dangerous. Do you have any controls over your system to communicate? Can you switch at will? The only 2 things I can offer are the 2 things I'm currently trying to do to get out of it myself: 1. keeping a trigger close by to switch to a little which takes away the anger or 2. pretending a suction like a vacuum is taking the anger away so someone else can go in. I know that sounds silly, but those are the only two things I've been able to do and it's N-O-T easy!