found a protector

I was in therapy yesturday and think I found one of my protectors while in session. I keep seeing this concrete wall in my mind and I'm hiding behind it. Not much can penetrate through this wall but sometimes it gets bigger or smaller depending on how safe I feel. My T asked me to kind of play with it in my mind during our session to see if I could make it smaller or bigger at will and I did but after a little while I started to become triggered because there are a lot of voices behind this wall that want to be heard and I hear them louder when the wall gets smaller. The weird thing is that these voices are very faint and I can't really make out what they're saying but I just get the sense it like a bunch of people wanting to say something all at the same time and it's too much for my brain to process all at once. This is what destabalized me before and I believe the wall protector was built to keep these voices at bay. Its like they're all my dissociated parts behind this wall. Does this make sense to anyone??? I'm afraid of these voices and I have a big phobia of them which is why I became so triggered in session. I do not like hearing these voices in my head because I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm crazy. I'm also excited at the same time, I feel this is a huge breakthrough in figuring out my system and also breaks through some of the denial I've been experiencing. I want so badly to find out what's behind this wall but I don't want to destabalize. Anyone have any advice or input?? Thank you in advance.

Wow, this is great progress! I am so happy for you. No, you are not crazy and shrinking this wall won't make you crazy. You have DID (I include DID-like DDNOS), that's all. It is weird for "normal" people, but normal for someone with DID.

thank you Una for the encouragment. My T always reminds me in session that this is all "normal" for my dissociative disorder but not necessarly normal for the general population but at least I'm normal to some degree I am excited and feel like I've made HUGE progress so it's nice to have someone else who sees the same thing, thanks again.

Yeah, seriously, you are making leaps and strides! You're doing so well! So yay!

You definitely are making great progress, and I'm glad you were able to face the wall despite being triggered! The voices can seem overwhelming and scary at first, but remember, they all come from you and they all belong to some part of you, so they're not as strange as you may think. You're definitely not crazy, even though you may feel like it some days, this is just how DID is. Though everyone's DID is different, voices are extremely common, so always remember that you're not alone in what you experience/hear! Perhaps ask yourself (possibly with your therapist) why you're afraid of these voices? Is it simply the fact that they're there, or is it something about them like the tone they speak in? Maybe getting a better idea of what it is about the voices that frightens you will help you feel better about tackling this wall. On that note, I know that you're excited to figure things out (who wouldn't be?), but remember to take it slow. Don't do anything you're not ready for and listen to the warning signs- feeling triggered, uncomfortable, fear, etc. Let your therapist guide you in pushing yourself with this wall, and remember to focus on one step at a time. DID is like reading a book with very small print and many chapters; you get so excited to figure things out yet you don't want to just skip to the end. You just gotta read each word and get through the book page by page. I hope that you continue to do well in therapy and congratulate you on this step forward!