Where is your anger

Where does the anger go? What if we can't find it. Dan gets mad but John said we should have some more. I'm afraid if there's a big scary person here.

All right, a little wanted to pose the question because he was out but John has been, and now I am, we are, wondering if we shouldn't have considerably more anger within somewhere, given what was done to us. I can understand the littles being scared and hurt rather than angry. It seems reasonable that a great furious alter should be here but there is simply no indication of that.

Do you know who holds the anger of your system? Does the rage seem to match the outrages? Several of us have some under the surface, I suppose. Shouldn't we have a homicidal maniac somewhere, at least towards the monsters so fondly recalled (but not by most) as mom and dad?

We do not seem to have a very angry part either. Fighter is the one with the strongest types of emotions that way but even with her it's mostly just standing up for us/herself and not rage or anger per se. She won't let anyone walk all over her, but that is only a healthy sign - not a sign of anger (and less so anger problems).

I don't think every system has a very angry alter no matter what they've been through because people process things in different ways. We've never really been angry at our abusers because most of our feelings have been **trigger warning** being fearful (and most other fear-based emotions), depression and feelings of not being enough and worthless et cetera. There's also a very strong component of not being able to save and/or destroying the people around us who abuse. And, interestingly enough, a fair bit of pity as well **trigger warning end** So to us, there wasn't really the biggest need to get intro rage. We have found other reasons for fighting back that worked for us and therefore didn't need to resort to that - always having been very aware that anger and rage is harmful to the person being angry and raging, much more so than the one one would be lashing out at (up to some degree of rage, anyway); that then we would have to live with that every day as well - which to us seemed unhealthy and counter-productive to a happy adulthood far away from our childhood. We know it's not like this for everyone and that anger/rage can be very cathartic and helpful and needed, though!

But not everyone has one. We've "unclocked" several alters and none of them have been locked for being angry and everyone (including very high ranking members of the system), when asked about angry parts, says "but we don't have one of those??".

So I think it's just about processing differently and needing different outlets for emotions as well as being naturally inclined (or not) towards certain emotions.

- Nin

I hold the anger in our "system".
Although L.C. can be a scary little b*tch sometimes, with how she buries everything and lets it build up. She's apathetic about a lot, but also acts apathetic about anything that bugs her because she's not used to being able to express her true feelings/thoughts, so she just stays quiet.
And yes, my rages do match the outrages, whatever that means. I assume it means that my rage is equal to the amount of wrong done to us, and if that's the case, then the answer is yes. (Sorry if I repeat myself, it's been a while so I'm not exactly sober while answering this. No offense intended by not being sober, it's simply very hard for me to answer stuff and possibly open up if I am sober, so I make it easier on me and choose not to be). And while I can be homicidal, it doesn't mean I am all the time, even if I'm still raging at her sh*t-he@ded father. Just because you were greatly wronged does not mean you should have a rampaging homicidal maniac inside of you. It's the same concept as "being the bigger person", if that makes sense. Just because someone tortures you doesn't mean you'll sink to their level and torture them back (though I would).
Besides, some people are able to move on from some pretty serious stuff. No one really knows how, they're just able to do that. And then you have the people that almost never get mad and almost always forgive, like my sister Rain. So no matter what's done to her, she won't turn into or sprout a rampaging homicidal maniac. There's a lot of factors that affect anger and rage, especially the ability to express that and even more so- in what way you express it. Some people, like me, get violent and verbally abusive. Others get quiet and distanct; some get emotional and cry out of anger (I've done that too); some people channel their anger into art work, journal entries, baking, etc.; others can talk calmly through their anger; there's a bunch of different ways people express rage. So just because you don't want to kill dear ol' mummy and daddy doesn't mean you don't have that much anger inside of you. You may just express it in a different way or something.

Wow, I'm typing a lot. Didn't think it'd be so easy to ramble on here. Sorry 'bout that. I hope it all makes sense. So, short story long, I'm the one that holds most if not all the anger. -Kat

Anger has it's own course. Its own time table. One you can not control or understand.
You can control your actions when you're angry, but not IF or WHEN you are angry.
Years ago, I went through a horrific marraige/divorce with an ogre who treated me very badly. It took me FOUR YEARS after getting away from it, before the anger hit. It confused me, because I thought I should be over it by then, not just getting angry at that point. And let me tell you, when the anger hit, it hit hard and lasted intensly for a good 3 years. Nothing new had happened to bring it on, it just has its own time table. I let myself feel the anger, and eventually worked through it. I "should" have been angry immediately, logically, not four years later. Trust yourself, just because you don't feel anger right now, doesnt mean you are stuffing it down, sometimes all the energy for anger is spent in fear.
When you're abuser is parental it's even harder, we aren't supposed to be, often not allowed to be angry with our caregivers.

Who says there should be an anger holder? What if it's evenly divided amongst everyone? Or what if you really know how to process anger well?

That being said, I have alot of parts that have anger, some with none, but I would say the more homicidal parts would be my parental introjects, and Mr.Lee. Mr.Lee held the homicidal anger for my parents, and my parental introjects used to hold the homicidal anger towards myself.

Does the rage seem to match the outrages?

Not for me personally, I would say though my rage was much more than I expected, I did supress alot of anger, but I was really surprised at how much I had.

Many psychologists hold the theory that anger turned inward ("acting in") manifests as depression. I know John experiences chronic severe depression.

I kind of agree with Una+ here, knowing that John and Poet have some parallels. She can't have (much) anger toward the people who actually caused her pain, but she has it directed toward herself to a certain extent, and more importantly, her interactions with Robby (who holds what bit of anger we do acknowledge) show how directly it manifests inwardly, in his case toward other parts. His anger toward the abusers is mostly a sort of dismissal of and disgust for them, not an actual aggression toward them, which seems to be what you are talking about. We don't seem to have that. The only aggression we have is toward ourselves and it manifests as

***TRIGGERS***
Self-harm
Suicidality
Robby regulating parts when they get distressed - i.e. anger toward the distress response, not toward the cause of it.
Depression/feelings of worthlessness and desire to validate the "truth" of those feelings through punishing the self or other parts in some form or another (see above, but not just limited to those things, even something as small as not having permission to heal, to do that which would relieve the suffering that we deserve to endure, especially for Poet)
***END TRIGGERS***

Anyway, I don't think one necessarily has to have a part that is big and scary and would act out aggressively. Even Robby's aggression toward insiders serves an ultimate purpose of safety toward us as a whole, so it is protective in nature. I do know that if anyone threatened my child, several parts (me included) could be very angry and aggressive, but for some reason, we do not have the same response about our inside kids having gotten hurt. The less me they are, the closer I am to being able to have that sort of a compassionate response. The more we work on us all being part of a whole, the less we are able to think compassionately about that person we all combine into being. Kind of a paradox, because the closer to one another we get, the more we reinforce the faulty messages and abuses that drove and kept us apart.

I have to be careful ruminating about these things, especially creating vivid images, which my littles always seem to intercept. Somehow Johann picked up on my imagining we had a hidden angry alter and it frightened him. Una is correct that I hold a great deal of anger turned inwards, manifesting as depression. It's tough to make that distinction because it feels like it's always been here. I ponder on the anger I feel toward my dead parents now that I feel is entirely justified, and how rage was directed outwardly in my DID mother. I think about how big, scary, and angry my father's dissociated pedophile ego state was. These were my models but other than perhaps Daniel, we didn't go that way. At least I don't think we did.

Hi,

I'm one of the angry ones in my system (my names Amber). For the majority of our life though we've stayed hidden as it was too dangerous to be outwardly angry. Most people who knew the system only knew a timid, kind, gentle person(s), that was all we'd ever show. But, I've always been here and so have some of my other alters like Black and some really angry kids I have.

I've realised though that anger is awesome! It gets things done, motivates you to tell abuser types where to 'go' and stick up for yourself and others. Us angry ones are also the protectors. But, when the others first heard about us they were really scared, each one of us that they met took ages to adjust. But it was so worth it, cause it makes us stronger as a whole when we all accept each other and work together. Because I get to tell anyone outside taking advantage of us to get lost and the others don't have the guts or skills to do this. My anger means I don't put up with crap and my system so needs that!

Finding the alters that have anger is seriously empowering!