Need some advice please.

I apologise in advance for how long this is. There was more to write than what I thought. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I'm confused about how to tell someone I have DID. Theres this man I've known for about 15 months, I've liked him for a while and I found out recently hes always liked me, the problem is though we're going through a bit of a 'rough patch' because of my manic switching recently which has settled down a lot, but this has freaked him out a bit, he wants to ask me out but I've heard hes too scared now because of whats happened recently. Hes not talking to me as much now, I used to speak to him everyday on the phone or text and I used to see him every other day as well but this has almost stopped now which is a bit upsetting for me.

I know he would accept that I have DID because hes accepted that I have NEAD and other illnesses. I know theres a big difference between DID and NEAD but hes helped a lot with the NEAD.

I'm just far too scared to tell him because he is an amazing man and I don't want to lose him as a friend, hes important to me even if we do only remain friends, but, if I don't explain to him what is going on with me then I think there is a strong possibilty that I will lose him.

Does anybody have any advice on the best way to tell someone? I trust him enough to tell him I'm just scared because I told a very close friend about it and she doesn't talk to me at all anymore, I don't want to lose more people by telling them unnecessarily but this has turned out to be a necessity now.

Also, I have a young sister who I used to have sleeping at my house a lot because I've been scared of history repeating itself from our mother and her father, recently though I've been stopped from having her altogether because my mother says "you're too high risk to have her, you're unstable, can't be trusted, basically you're just a b***h who tries to brainwash her against me and her dad" her exact words. I admit that I was unstable with my emotions but I'm fine now plus I don't live alone, I live with my grandparents so shes not in any danger what so ever. My mother has always said she would never use the DID against me when I told her (I told her about 3 months ago and for the past 2 and a half months she has used it against me) but that has all but changed now. I'm lucky to see her once a week. This little girl is my whole life, I raised her for the first few years of her life, shes like my own daughter and it kills me that I can't see or have her whenever I want. Theres always an excuse that I can't see her then I find out shes staying with her other sister and shes completely fine.

I don't know what to do about this either, just because I have DID doesn't mean I put other people, especially little children at risk does it? Shes met Gabbie (my 8 year old alter) and absolutely loves her. I let Gabbie out under the supervision of our grandparents and even they said there is no risk at all. What can I do? How do I prove I'm not at risk of harming her? How do I prove that I can function for the most part? I can't lose my sister to this stupidity.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm at a loss and don't know what to do.

Most of these issues will resolve with time, and some may resolve only with time.

Re your male friend, why do you feel NEAD (whatever that is) is easy to disclose but DID is not? Is there any difference other than how long you have had the diagnosis? Or are you anxious because of the betrayal and abandonment you have experienced from others after disclosing to them? He already has reservations due to your recent behavior, so information about the source of that odd behavior is likely to be is constructive, even if he then withdraws even more. I think the more interested you are in him, the more important it is to be up front with him. If he is going to cut and run, isn't it better for both of you that he do it sooner than later? He may take the view that it does not matter why you behaved as you did; he may still find the behavior unacceptable. DID is only a reason, not an excuse. In any case, you won't know his reasons for withdrawing unless he tells you. Take care not to project onto him what you imagine to be his reasons. His reasons probably are not what you think.

Re how to disclose, generally I find it helps to be fairly clinical and abstract about it. Name it; ask if the other person knows what it is; ask more questions to find out what they actually know or think they know; explain in non personal terms what it is. Imagine giving a book report in school. Wait for questions. In my disclosure speech I have not ever included any mention of my personal childhood trauma, nor outed my alters. I focus on the here and now: the signs and symptoms I have that other people sometimes notice, and a little about my subjective experience of DID. That seems to be enough.

We don't have all that much advice for you, unfortunately, but we just wanted to say that we're here and we're listening and we sympathize.

I/we are so sorry to hear about your sister! I wish we had any advice but if your mother has abused you (assuming since you wrote "I've been scared of history repeating itself from our mother and her father" but if not we're sorry) - do you think she's basing her decision on your wellbeing (or lack thereof), or just to keep your sister away from you? As for whether or not you're dangerous - some SPD'ers are dangerous just like some DID'ers are dangerous. It's a whole world out there of people and yes, people with significant trauma have a higher chance of being a danger to others (or so I am assuming) but that doesn't mean that you are. You know yourself and your alters (hopefully) and know if they are of any danger. Being mindful and caring and loving is not at all excluded just because you're DID.

As for telling; we've told certain people in our life - my SO for example - and we've mostly done in gradually. Started by saying that we've had a rough upbringing (which most know beforehand anyways) and that we have a dissociative disorder. Then we've usually gone on to say that we have a pretty severe dissociative disorder and when people seem to naturally come around we've said we have DID and what that is (as Una+ said, symptoms and fairly clinical stuff) and that they can ask any questions (but that we have the right not to respond if we don't feel comfortable) and that we are not dangerous or insane - it's just a survival mechanism and we're functioning etc. Giving them an option to ask but leaving it a bit up to them

- Nin [+]

lifelongthing wrote:We don't have all that much advice for you, unfortunately, but we just wanted to say that we're here and we're listening and we sympathize.

Thanks Nin [+]

lifelongthing wrote:I/we are so sorry to hear about your sister! I wish we had any advice but if your mother has abused you (assuming since you wrote "I've been scared of history repeating itself from our mother and her father" but if not we're sorry)

Yes she has abused me most of my life so theres no need to for any of you to be sorry.

lifelongthing wrote:do you think she's basing her decision on your wellbeing (or lack thereof), or just to keep your sister away from you?

She's trying to keep her away from me because most of my sisters life, she has called me 'mummy' I tried to explain I'm not her mum but how can you explain this to a child when I was the biggest role in her life. My mother (a while ago) stopped me from seeing her altogether until my sister stopped calling me mummy and started to call her mummy and realise that I am her sister. (sorry if that is a little confusing)

lifelongthing wrote: As for whether or not you're dangerous - some SPD'ers are dangerous just like some DID'ers are dangerous. It's a whole world out there of people and yes, people with significant trauma have a higher chance of being a danger to others (or so I am assuming) but that doesn't mean that you are. You know yourself and your alters (hopefully) and know if they are of any danger. Being mindful and caring and loving is not at all excluded just because you're DID.

I know 3 of my alters so far, I have an 8 year old called Gabbie who has played with my sister, I've got Amber who is suicdle and Luca who tries to calm Amber down and help her. I met amber and Luca a coupke of nights ago but now I am aware of Amber things seem to be a little better now. I have never ever hurt anybody at all and don't intend on doing so either. Its just not in my nature and I hope none of the "others" think differently either.

lifelongthing wrote:As for telling; we've told certain people in our life - my SO for example - and we've mostly done in gradually. Started by saying that we've had a rough upbringing (which most know beforehand anyways) and that we have a dissociative disorder. Then we've usually gone on to say that we have a pretty severe dissociative disorder and when people seem to naturally come around we've said we have DID and what that is (as Una+ said, symptoms and fairly clinical stuff) and that they can ask any questions (but that we have the right not to respond if we don't feel comfortable) and that we are not dangerous or insane - it's just a survival mechanism and we're functioning etc. Giving them an option to ask but leaving it a bit up to them

I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet but I think I will try it in small doses like you have described. Once my grandparents knew I felt a lot easier about answering their questions so I'm hoping it will be the same. I'm hoping he will accept it but if he doesn't then so be it. I've been honest so theres not much more I can do.

Thanks for the advice.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2012 7:57 pm --

Una+ I did reply to your post but it hasn't sent

Una+ wrote: why do you feel NEAD (whatever that is) is easy to disclose but DID is not? Is there any difference other than how long you have had the diagnosis?

NEAD is Non Epileptic Attack Disorder, I had to tell him this because we used to go out alot and I am prone to seizures so this was out of necessity.

Una+ wrote: Or are you anxious because of the betrayal and abandonment you have experienced from others after disclosing to them? He already has reservations due to your recent behavior, so information about the source of that odd behavior is likely to be is constructive, even if he then withdraws even more. I think the more interested you are in him, the more important it is to be up front with him. If he is going to cut and run, isn't it better for both of you that he do it sooner than later?

I am more anious than anything I think so yes because the friend I had told I 'd known for about 11/12 years and she just cut me out of her life completely when I thought she would be the most understanding. I think I will have to bite the bullet and tell him, I'm going to text him and ask if he can come see me tomorrow, the longer I leave it the less unlikely I am to tell him.

Una+ wrote:He may take the view that it does not matter why you behaved as you did; he may still find the behavior unacceptable. DID is only a reason, not an excuse. In any case, you won't know his reasons for withdrawing unless he tells you. Take care not to project onto him what you imagine to be his reasons. His reasons probably are not what you think.

I hope he can accept this but he said he doesn't like my recent 'behaviour' the time he is on about is when I had the manic switching so I think he is referring to this.

I in no way use DID as an excuse because I know it isn't an excuse.

Una+ wrote:how to disclose, generally I find it helps to be fairly clinical and abstract about it. Name it; ask if the other person knows what it is; ask more questions to find out what they actually know or think they know; explain in non personal terms what it is. Imagine giving a book report in school. Wait for questions. In my disclosure speech I have not ever included any mention of my personal childhood trauma, nor outed my alters. I focus on the here and now: the signs and symptoms I have that other people sometimes notice, and a little about my subjective experience of DID. That seems to be enough.

This is what I did with my grandparents to make sure they could clearly understand everything I had told them because I know how confusing this can be. I still find myself being confused about it all alot of the time so I tried to put it as simple as possible.

Thanks for the advice

I agree with the advice people have given, and just wanted to add that if this guy can't handle the fact that you have DID, then it's best to find that out sooner rather than later. Besides, if someone leaves you for being who you are, then they're not someone you want around anyway. I am very sorry about your friend though, I understand how that is. -hugs if wanted- I've had friends leave me and freak out before when I've told them, it doesn't feel too great. But then I remind myself of how much my alters and I hate hiding when we don't have to now that we're in a safer environment. That, and someone who won't even try to accept you for you isn't a real friend anyway.

Other than that, I hope it goes well with this guy and I hope that even if he freaks out at first, he's willing to try and learn/understand. Good luck!

tomboy24 wrote:I agree with the advice people have given, and just wanted to add that if this guy can't handle the fact that you have DID, then it's best to find that out sooner rather than later. Besides, if someone leaves you for being who you are, then they're not someone you want around anyway. I am very sorry about your friend though, I understand how that is. -hugs if wanted- I've had friends leave me and freak out before when I've told them, it doesn't feel too great. But then I remind myself of how much my alters and I hate hiding when we don't have to now that we're in a safer environment. That, and someone who won't even try to accept you for you isn't a real friend anyway.

Other than that, I hope it goes well with this guy and I hope that even if he freaks out at first, he's willing to try and learn/understand. Good luck!

Thanks tomboy24.

I spoke to him on monday about it, told him I would answer any questions he wants me to and he seemed very open and understanding about the whole thing. I was quite shocked to be honest. But then he starts texting me and says things like "I don't know who you are anymore", "I fell for the old you not the new you, I can't cope with the new you", "I don't like the new you, I want the old you back", "Thinking about it now you seem a little crazy to me but I would like to be friends" etc... This really upset us hence why we have not been here for a couple of days. Amber took over again so I was feeling very depressed, me and luca tried working with her, just talking and things and we feel abit better now because I've realised we don't need someone as pathetic as him in our life. Hes made us feel worthless and crazy, thats not right at all so I basically told him where to go. Told him we don't need negative people in our life. We know its the right thing to do but I didn't think that the people that do know about the DID would react the way they have done. A few people have been very understanding but not many people know, only the one's who have questioned me so I felt I needed to give answers. I wish people would learn to accept me for who I am, I'm still the same person there's just more of me now.

Thanks for the hugs and advice!

Hm. Could he have been on drugs or alcohol when he sent those texts? Proceed with caution. Don't assume this is necessarily about you.

I know he doesn't drink, he hasn't for about 9 years (he's 8 years older than me) because he can't handle his drink, his friends and family have all said that, as for the drugs, I know he used to do drugs but as far as I am aware he has been clean for 19 months now. He finds it hard to cope with new things, he had a good childhood but went through some phases of doing certain things which I think may have impacted on him now.

With what he has been saying though, we don't want him in our life, I don't want him to explain his reasons for what he is saying to me either. I want to know why obviously but to be honest I don't even want to give him the time of day anymore. He told some of his friends (I found this out about 30 minutes ago) so news will travel pretty quickly. I tell people because I trust them enough to finally give answers, not for them to go round and tell everyone about my business. I am dreading the repercussions of this now. I think I made a very big mistake

angelfire wrote:He told some of his friends (I found this out about 30 minutes ago)

Ouch!

angelfire wrote:I am dreading the repercussions of this now.

The outcome may be more good than bad. You are very sensitive about this, but having this information about out there will serve to sort people for you, without you having to do a thing. See? If someone else had told him, that might have been enough to keep him away from you without you ever having to find out he was not a good match for you.

Hang in there.

Una+ wrote:angelfire wrote:
He told some of his friends (I found this out about 30 minutes ago)
Ouch!

I know, I'm not happy about this.

Una+ wrote:The outcome may be more good than bad. You are very sensitive about this, but having this information about out there will serve to sort people for you, without you having to do a thing. See? If someone else had told him, that might have been enough to keep him away from you without you ever having to find out he was not a good match for you.

His friends are idiots, I don't like them but was civil to them for his sake. It could be a positive yes but I/we are not ready to have so many people know, there are people I never wanted to tell this to because I knew they would make my life hell... I think there is going to be more negatives than positives here. This is my life and I should choose how to share it with people, not be betrayed and have everyone know about it, I'm scared he is going to really exaggerate what I have told him, make me sound worse than I actually am, I can't stop crying about it. It kind of feels like my life has just ended I'm too emotional at the moment.