It kind of sounds like DID but i'm not sure, please help me

I just wanted to start off saying im depressed and have been since about 10th grade is when it started to really be bad.I remember taking either RITALIN or CONCERTA for my add that i was diagnosed with, i was prescribed medication and took it every morning after a while it made me have NO energy and honestly depressed and have no life in me so i stop taking it. I remember me and my parents always fighting because of bad grades when i was a kid and i remember even being scared to see them and go home. The divorce of my parents occured through out my childhood and id always see them arguing and it felt as if i had to choose sides and when i did i was betraying the other parent, $#%^ sucked.. I also remember i was in a relationship pretty much my first love, easiest way to say it is that things didn’t work out and i ended up feeling as if something was wrong with me and i just wasnt good enough. My mind is just all black and when i try to think of something its really faint pictures and it honestly takes alot of effort. I also feel like in everyday life im on autopilot mode even know im concious and i understand and control the actions i act upon, its not like i have no control because i do, its just the state of mind that im not all there and half of me is honestly shut down somewhere and its just another me even thought its the same one if that makes sense. i dont feel emotions as intense as i used to it feels like its being blocked by a barrier in my body and i just cant reach deep inside me. I also had a brief period of about 8 months where i was suffering from derealization and minor DP where i felt life was a dream which ive learned to live with and it doesnt bother me anymore, and i had minor DP in the sense where i would feel my body once in a while feel like its floating away and above my torso. I haven’t felt those in a while but ever since i moved in with my dad and have gotten kicked out ive been questioning myself, my ego and who i really am. And once i start thinking about that it starts, i feel like im in the wrong body and as if there’s just another side of me shut down and as if my thoughts werent my own but i know its me and its me saying these things. It’s just very confusing. Sometimes wen i look in the mirror its scary as $#%^ because sometimes i dont recognize myself and question if what im feeling is whats really in the mirror and i cannot link it together. It seriously sucks and it feels like im about to lose control and any given moment even tho i know im not. When i think of myself i dont have a good picture of who i am spiritually or physically, i seriously have no clue… i feel like im stuck in my thoughts and in my own misery and im just living life by the motions and movements, ive kind of learned to notice it and let it pass me but sometimes it gets the best of me and i def get the $#%^ scared out of me. I’m just wondering what this could be and if there was a name for it? thanks so much

id also like to add that i have very low self esteem, and when i mean low i mean #######5 to the floor low. People tell me i am very attractive, but i just dont believe it, i cant even picture myself in my head when i try, even tho i know how i look like its just a different picture.. when i also think in my head of who i really am i just get psyched out like disconnected, like i know who i am but for a split second if feel as if it isnt me and im just in another state of mind for a second, my ego and self feel disconnected from my body and thoughts if that makes sense, what people described of as "MYSELF/EGo/ONES INNER SELF" i feel it but it feels just compressed and not 100% i cant explain it, it was scary as $#%^ in the beginning but ive learned to look at myself in the mirror and just say be strong, this is who i am and this is my body.. it kind of helps but i mean the feeling and state of mind isnt gone. I live a normal life by the way, nobody knows how i feel i keep it bottled inside my head and just keep thinking and thinking on and on questioning myself and my thoughts.. any comments regarding what this might be will help me so much thanks

Dear "doomtech"

It could be DID or DDNOS. But you know no-one can give you a dx without knowing you in person, and being qualified to do so. Keep reading and asking yourself, does this fit? It helped me to keep reading these boards and realising how much sense they made of things I'd felt and experienced all my life. At the same time, I had a T who could recognise DID, and that was what made the difference - having someone in the physical world who gets to know you, and is trained to say, yes, I think this is what you have - or even, "I'm sure of it" - or "no, I think this is what it is." Can you find your way to a professional who can help?

You're not alone!

Take care, Sara

Welcome!
I can relate to some of what you say, but like Sara2012 we can't dx(nor wouldn't) online.

The best thing is to do as Sara2012 said really, read on, see if it resonates with you, and going to see a therapist would really help sort yourself out too.

All the best.

hey guys i really appreciate you going out of your way to write back, thanks so much.
Im honestly scared to go to a psycologist because i enlisted in the army and already going to meps to chose my job and swear in - in about 2 months. I don't know if going back to the doctor will be wise for my future career, i'm kind of stuck with looking out for what's best now or what's best for me in a few years and honestly i cannot decide. Nobody knows how i feel right now, except for whomever read this. I don't want to sound over dramatic but there's seriously so much to consider, i cannot make this descision alone.

Yes, there is a lot to consider. I can understand how hard it must be to decide between what's best for you now, and what's best in a few years. My own "others" didn't let me know about my DID until long after my career was established and in a good place, so I can understand that you might want to take care of your career first. You say that no-one apart from people here knows how you feel, so maybe you can keep it "under control" for a while. But won't it make a difference to your career in any case, when you do go for help? I can see it might be better to wait a few years. At the same time, you're hurting now, and having a hard time now, and it's hard not to want you to get help as soon as you can. I came across another post of yours when looking for this one, in which you wrote that after you'd seen a psychologist, a few years ago, you felt a little "spark". It sounds like hope, maybe - as though it did feel good to you when you started getting help. I would love for you to feel that spark again and to really start to feel better. Can you find out more, informally, from other army people - or online, or from your family dr - about what exactly would go on your records, and what the consequences might be for your career - before you decide what to do?

It's a big decision. You're not alone - please keep reading and talking to us!

yeah i've dealt with so many problems before. I was suffering from DP/DR pretty bad a few years ago and it took me a while to really comprehend what was going on and just to live with it, what helped me was keeping my mind off the topic. Yeah i def will go back to my psych and have an under the table discussion about what's bothering me if that makes sense. I'd like to see my options before anything because i know medical records can come around in the future and bite me in the pooper.


I'm def going to tell someone about it because keeping it to myself just thinking of it all day makes it feel even worse.

I noticed how you guys were talking about alter-egos and such, I do not have any alter-egos that i know of. I just feel like my body is on auto-pilot and living life through the motions while im in my own head and thoughts questioning who i am, it's a feeling like i feel split in 2 state-of-mind wise as if my ego, me thoughts and my body are scattered around into 3 different if that makes sense. Also i feel when i really think deeply i feel like there's ME now and there is also another me locked down somewhere, i can feel, think and remember it but it just needs to be reborn. I live in a state-of-mind of the present, like all i do and think and act upon is now, i cant feel the past nor the present like i just live this second every second. My mind is very cloudy and my thoughts are faint but i can still make out my thoughts, and i dont know why but my memory is bad, like i dont remember what i do like a few hours ago, i just remember it as a whole saying yes i did this and that but i don't really remember it. The parts i left out i guess i will write since i'm typing now. **May Trigger**Well other than my parents divorce and me blaiming myself for not making my parents proud, i have always failed in school i know i've always made my parents and others around me dissapointed by my descisions. My mother and I used to have a violent relationship. My mothers way of counseling me was pinching my leg when i was kid (And let me tell you, that $#%^ stung) , screaming , pushing , fights and i'd get talked down to and talked to like i was just a grain of sand. While i was living with my mom there was just way to many fights which were def emotional and kept me thinking and thinking why i was put here and why am i suffering so much and not others, just too many questions a kid shouldnt be asking himself. Another thing, while i was living and fighting with my mom i was fighting with my brother. I remember we wouldnt get into physical fights too many times but when we did it was bad. We'd seriously hurt eachother, he'd talk down and treat me worse than my mom when we'd fight, i guess it was easier for him too since he was my brother.. It just wasn't fair how i was treated emotionally, it really wasn't and i've felt like that and asked myself why me, it isn't fair for about all the 17 years ive been living (obviously not when i was a baby). My dad also left to chicago for a liver transplant so that was alot but that was during my DP/DR peak so i really didn't feel anything but at the same time i know i did. I have incredibly low self esteem as i said earlier, i don't know where it comes from... i always get compliments on my looks but when i think of myself, i think of myself as a low, confused, lost, dark, suppressed person. I just want to feel emotions, not question who i am or my body, live life normal and enjoy it.. I'd honestly do anything to feel normal again.

Sara2012 gave you some solid advice. All I can add is ((Hugs if wanted)).