by rainbutterfly » Sun Dec 18, 2005 12:27 am
i believ in God. I have a dissociated personality. the two things are completely exclusive from one another. yet through learning from the experiences that lead me to develop DID, i have come closer to God in this lifetime than i could ever have hoped. does this sound like the influence of evil?
i would just like to set you straight on something. it is not a case of people 'thinking' they have DID or 'thinking' that they are more than one person or being possessed by evil or other entity. its not the acceptance of an energy or idea or influence. it stems from inside the individual. it is the experience of part of your own mind taking its own identity when the part of you that usually experiences the reality of your life has dissociated.
DID is not caused by 'the enemy' and spiritual warfare as you put it. no evil being did this to me. A HUMAN BEING DID IT. it is a simple case of cause (trauma) and effect (dissociation). yes i could feel what it was like to be in the presence of 'evil' as you put it. to stop my soul being torn apart by the sheer terror of this (i was three) i blacked out (dissociated). but there was no 'good' or 'bad' in this experience. there were emotions, of course, which might make it seem like an evil force is present, but this is an illusion. what happened is that he took all the pain and hurt and rage all boiled up inside him throughout his life and he put it onto me in his actions. pain that has been stored up like that of course, it is going to seem like 'evil'. 'good' and 'evil' are illusions caused by having the experience of emotion.
yes, this experience has caused me a lot of obstacles in my life. when someone dumps all their bad emotions onto you of course this is going to be hard! but why it is so hard is because you have this person's pain now as well, as well as any you might pick up yourself along the way! so you have to try extra hard not to let yourself hurt others, try extra hard to change that pain into love, just because there is extra pain to deal with, and there is the fact that it is not even yours. but isnt this how Jesus saved humanity? He took the judgements of others (their 'bad' emotions) on to his soul and still acted in purity. He died pure, having commited no sins. this is how he SAVED US.
you can't say DID is evil. you can't say there was evil at play when i developed it as a survival mechanism. you might think there was evil in the person who did it to me but this is not true. the only way it is evil is if you translate it: the person who did this to me did not stay responsible for his thoughts, feelings and actions. he did not act in love. he did not act as if every living creature, including himself was one with God. this is the nature of 'sin' and 'evil', it is not caused by evil forces, but by human experience and emotion. so survivors of trauma would only be 'influenced by evil' if they acted in the same way without taking responsibility for the pain inside them. yes, it is a hard task to shoulder someone else's burden, seemingly without choice, but isnt this what loving your 'enemy' is all about?
i would really like to thank you for your question. it has really made me think about the spirituality of what happened to me and i really think it has helped me to reach a new understanding. i know what its like to be hungry for answers - i am always scouring the net for answers i dont even know the questions to, to try and make sense of my experiences both in the past and present. but again, what answering your post has taught me is that as ALWAYS the answers are within, no matter how hard you want to believe otherwise.
i hope you find the answers you are looking for.