Had a very strange day yesterday

Any one who has read my topic will know that I have been struggling to here everyone talking in my head.

I heard 1 of them properly early hours of saturday morning when I couldn't sleep as usual so I thought I would try and practice listening again, It was all just a buzz still but I could kind of pick up words here and there which I don't think I have been able to do, not to this point anyway.

While I was trying to pick up on 1 voice I heard a little girl talking, she told me she was 8, I think she called herself Gabbie. I can't quite remember what she said but I can remember she was scared, not too sure why because she wouldn't explain or she has done but I can't remember (I've got a terrible memory) so I think I'll try talk to her again tonight if I am brave enough. I started to get some very disturbing images/memories which I struggled to deal with, I have a defense mechanism which means my brain shuts off and I have countless seizures (non-epileptic attack disorder) so basically since around 4 saturday morning I have had around 14 seizures which have left me with a splitting headache and feeling a very confused about it all.

I thought talking to an alter would be a good thing. I'm not too sure if I really do want to talk to her again in case this happens.

Should i persevere? Does it get easier? And has anything similar happened to anyone else?

There's more to it, I know there is but I really can't think with this headache and feeling a little dazed still.

Gabbie is a pretty name.

As for the rest, it is scary at first. Go at your own pace as you are able.

I'm glad you are making progress. Does your Doctor know about these seizures? They sound concerning. Also, do you have a T at the moment? Someone experienced in DID may be able to give you ideas on how to communicate with your alters.

I am most easily able to talk to my alters when I am calm, usually after I go to bed and most of the noises of the outside world are shut down. Sometimes, I listen to a meditation CD. When I can calm down the ruckus and buzz of my own thoughts and worries, the voices of the others become more clear.

I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. I hope it improves soon.

I could kind of pick up words here and there which I don't think I have been able to do, not to this point anyway.

That's good. It gets easier.

**May trigger**

I started to get some very disturbing images/memories which I struggled to deal with, I have a defense mechanism which means my brain shuts off and I have countless seizures

That sucks. My defense mechanism is uncontrollable vomiting. Just the mere suggestion of the memory would trigger it to dangerous levels, as in dehydration, & chemical imbalance(it got bad). Can you talk to a dr. about anything to help with the physical symptoms?

Also, it took several months to acclimate my body to that particular memory, next time you speak with Gabbie, can you ask her to take it slower? Maybe break it up in smaller parts, one picture, one sense(hearing, etc.), then after time you can put it(the memory) together?

I thought talking to an alter would be a good thing. I'm not too sure if I really do want to talk to her again in case this happens.

It is, you are unburdening this alter and helping her heal, which also helps you heal. Your adult wisdom will give Gabbie strength, you can be the "enlightened witness" to yourself, it may sound odd, but it really helps my littles to do them what others hadn't....listen, love, protect, etc. It also helps create an internal alliance, and build trust.

The physical pain, will subside with communication, and releasing control, I've found the more I "fight" the switch, the stronger the pain as it takes them that much more energy to come forward.

Really good advice, Borg.

First of all I would like to apologise for being away for a couple of days, had a rough couple of days.

ashesoflife wrote:Gabbie is a pretty name.

As for the rest, it is scary at first. Go at your own pace as you are able.

I had a childhood friend called gabbie, I've always liked that name anyway. Thanks ashesoflife, I thought it would be scary.

doe-eyed wrote:I'm glad you are making progress. Does your Doctor know about these seizures? They sound concerning. Also, do you have a T at the moment? Someone experienced in DID may be able to give you ideas on how to communicate with your alters.

Yes my doctor does know about my seizures but unfortunately we haven't been able to come up with anything as of yet to control them. They are a very big burden but I've been suffering with them for 2 years and 8 months now so I've sort of got used to them now.

Yes I do have a T but I struggle to open up to her and him, I have 2 at the same time because 1 is studying and I've been called "complex" aswell thats why there is a student in with my T. My T seems a little confused with the whole thing which isn't good but I'm the first 1 they've dealt with so I guess they're learning to.

doe-eyed wrote:I am most easily able to talk to my alters when I am calm, usually after I go to bed and most of the noises of the outside world are shut down. Sometimes, I listen to a meditation CD. When I can calm down the ruckus and buzz of my own thoughts and worries, the voices of the others become more clear.

I've found I hear them more of a night myself, I hear them through the day to but I can pick up words during the night when it is silent. Thats when I first heard Gabbie.

doe-eyed wrote:I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. I hope it improves soon.

Thanks doe-eyed, I hope so to.

Borg wrote:That sucks. My defense mechanism is uncontrollable vomiting. Just the mere suggestion of the memory would trigger it to dangerous levels, as in dehydration, & chemical imbalance(it got bad). Can you talk to a dr. about anything to help with the physical symptoms?

I am sorry to hear that Borg, sounds worse than what I go through.

I have had my doctor, consultant, T and psychiatrist have all tried to stop it all but they're struggling to control it all its getting to the point now where I think I am going to have to live with it.

Borg wrote:Also, it took several months to acclimate my body to that particular memory, next time you speak with Gabbie, can you ask her to take it slower? Maybe break it up in smaller parts, one picture, one sense(hearing, etc.), then after time you can put it(the memory) together?

I tried to ask her to take it all alot slower but she wouldn't talk to me and still won't, I'm not too sure why but shes still sending me the images/memories quite quickly, I can't make sense of it all so I have been trying to block it all out but I don't want to upset Gabbie, that might be why she won't talk to me??

Borg wrote:It is, you are unburdening this alter and helping her heal, which also helps you heal. Your adult wisdom will give Gabbie strength, you can be the "enlightened witness" to yourself, it may sound odd, but it really helps my littles to do them what others hadn't....listen, love, protect, etc. It also helps create an internal alliance, and build trust.

The physical pain, will subside with communication, and releasing control, I've found the more I "fight" the switch, the stronger the pain as it takes them that much more energy to come forward.

I always tend to fight what is new, thats probably why it has took 8 months to understand words and finally hear an alter.

I have had my doctor, consultant, T and psychiatrist have all tried to stop it all but they're struggling to control it all its getting to the point now where I think I am going to have to live with it.

I'm so sorry. (The visceral reaction isn't bad anymore...knocks on wood )

I wish I had something that I could say that would be helpful, but I'm out of ideas.

What if you try to talk, she doesn't have to respond, but tell her that, you are blocking her and why, how it's effecting you, and how you would love to work with her, or whatnot, but the situation as it stands in not conductive towards her goal.

Borg wrote:I'm so sorry. (The visceral reaction isn't bad anymore...knocks on wood )

I wish I had something that I could say that would be helpful, but I'm out of ideas.

Don't worry about it at all, I am kinda getting used to it and even my T has said I might just have to live with it as they are all struggling with it.

Borg wrote:What if you try to talk, she doesn't have to respond, but tell her that, you are blocking her and why, how it's effecting you, and how you would love to work with her, or whatnot, but the situation as it stands in not conductive towards her goal.

I'm too scared to even try talking to her incase I have alot of seizures again, they leave my whole body aching and I have the most horrific headache after it to, I struggle to function for a while. I know its not the right thing to do when I've made a little breakthrough with it all but I can't see any other way. I work so hard to try and avoid triggers which make me have a seizure so I guess its just natural for me to avoid this situation now.

Since I've not been "listening" to Gabbie the images/memories have almost stopped, thats what I want. I've been getting a feeling of being very upset but its not my feelings if that makes sense? I think it might be Gabbie's feelings I can feel.

I'm just at a loss now of what to do... I think I should just persevere with it because I'm sure it will get better, it always gets better, but I can't get over the fear of a seizure, thats my downfall. I think I need to open up more to my T, get some tips and options or something. All of this just makes me feel, I don't know... I can't describe it

Has your T taught you grounding yet? If not ask her about what grounding techniques are, how they work, and how to use them.

They are really helpful when you are dealing with flooding. By grounding yourself, you can stop the flooding and regain control of the situation. For me, grounding doesn't work for body memories. I haven't found anything that works for those yet, but for flashbacks, grounding is really helpful.

ashesoflife wrote:Has your T taught you grounding yet? If not ask her about what grounding techniques are, how they work, and how to use them.

No she hasn't, I have no idea what grounding is either, will definitely have to ask about this.

ashesoflife wrote:They are really helpful when you are dealing with flooding. By grounding yourself, you can stop the flooding and regain control of the situation. For me, grounding doesn't work for body memories. I haven't found anything that works for those yet, but for flashbacks, grounding is really helpful.

Thats what I want, to take control of the whole situation, I get a little upset when I'm not in control of certain situations.

I hope something is found that works for you soon... I'm getting the fact now that this can be stressful... But yes, asking about grounding seems like a vey good idea.

Thanks ashesoflife.