Tough week!

I work a service job at the pleasure of a Board of Directors.

A group of people I serve is underhanded and backstabbing, and I have had enough. A "normal" person would be frustrated with them, but a depressive/PTSD/DID person? Way past frustration and into suicidal ideation a couple of weeks ago.

This group presented at the latest Board meeting yesterday, and when I gave my report, I rebutted their statements and their methodology, stated that I was deeply offended, and resigned.

I left the room and went trail running in the hills, grateful to be an endurance runner who could let off steam that way.

The Board voted in closed session not to accept my resignation. I have heard from the Board president but not spoken; we have played phone tag. The Board president knows I deal with depression but not PTSD and DID, and knows that the stress from this group had me in a state of suicidal ideation recently.

I will see members of this troubling group on Sunday. In making my statement in front of them and the Board, I managed to be articulate and civil, which isn't easy because one of my alts is a pretty tough guy who loves to push buttons and would love to kick somebody's butt verbally or physically. (I discovered him one day when I was beginning to kick someone's butt physically and wondered where all that aggression came from.) Another alt is a sweet woman who is a caretaker and would not want to offend anyone. There was a lot of internal and external conflict going on.

I don't know how I will react or respond to seeing them. I stated in the Board meeting I would perform my duties this week and discuss my departure with my superior.

It is against the rules (my interior ones learned throughout childhood from my family abusers and church abusers) to speak up like I did or defend myself or acknowledge my feelings as legitimate. Historically in such situations, I duck inside and let an alt handle it.

I suppose it is a sign of growth that I stood up for myself in public, but I don't know what to do with all the interior confusion and chastisement that has followed doing that!

So the system is in an uproar and the territory is uncharted and I just needed to come here and hope someone reads this so I feel like I have a friend who hears and understands.

No sympathy or advice necessary, though both or either are welcomed; mostly I want to feel connected with someone who knows what DID is like. Please be nice to me if you respond, I'm very fragile at the moment and dipping back into the suicidal pool. I have an 8-mile run in the morning that may generate enough endorphins to help counter that.

Thanks, whoever you are and whoever you are at this moment!

It does sound frusterating, to say the least. I think it's a good thing you stood up for yourself, it sounds like a really big step, and even though I don't really know who you are, I'm proud of you for making it.

I'm here to listen. I may not always have advice for you, but I am always ready to listen if you need to talk. You can post on the forum and I'll probably see it. Or if you want, you can feel free to send me a pm as well. Good luck on sunday! I'm rooting for you.

Hey,

So sorry things are so hard right now.

I think it is fantastic you were able to communicate what needed to be said rather than passing it off to another alter. I find the best lessons learned are those that you learn from your alters because you are learning it from yourself so can believe that you are able to do it. You were able to stand up for yourself and be assertive and I think that is amazing.

I'm here. I'm hearing you. And I understand. I also wish that I was an endurance runner. What a great way to beat out the distress.... throw it through your feet onto the ground.

Take care,

B