sexual arousal *trigger*

I'll throw my experience into the pot in case it ever helps anyone feel less alienated.

When it comes to masturbation, I don't think I've ever had a 'normal' sex fantasy in all of my life. I am also never in any of my fantasies, nothing is ever from a first person perspective. The theme of forced sex and general BDSM stuff is pretty common. Also the more surreal it is, the more I tend to be drawn to it (mythological beings, humanoid aliens, supernatural beings, anime-style fantasies - pretty much anything except actual, normal humans).

There is also a massive, massive disconnect between my sexuality and my emotional self. To the point where if I found out a friend of mine was raped, I would likely fly into a bloodthirsty rage; if I read on the news that a rapist is on the loose in my area, I feel fear; then I go to bed at night and masturbate to rape fantasies. What the hell, is all I can say.

When it comes to my actual real-life intimacy attempts with actual real-life people, it gets even more complicated. I tend to be more aggressive myself with a male partner (provided he is okay with it or seems to even like it) but only right up until the would-be sex, and then I just feel sort of freaked out and even grossed-out and back off. It's like my perception of the would-be and the reality of the would-be never quite match up. I find I'd rather just fantasize and make love to myself than actually have anyone participate, no matter how attractive I find them.

Then, as if it's not already enough of a mess, I also develop romantic feelings for women on occasion, but my demeanor towards them radically changes from what it would be towards a male. I actually de-sexualize (I know that's not really a word lol) in my brain and become extremely protective of them. I never fantasize about forcing them to do anything, and actually, again, develop a full-blown white knight complex over them. But the feelings of romance will definitely be there, and I'll really enjoy romancing them in every non-sexual way imaginable.

Right now in my life I don't even attempt to date anymore, because I've at least developed enough self-awareness to realize that it will always be an inevitable train wreck.

So there is my jacked up sexuality.

Your not alone in this. I'm experiencing this arousal at times out of no where. Kinda concerning. Sometimes i can feel an urge to cry during these specific times. There was one specific time i was watching televison and the body memories hit me and i got blurry( eyes )almost a floating faint spell. That's good advice not to search for memories.


Other times I experience arousal after I hear in my head a younger alter or my another alter moaning or cadence during sex I'm assuming, no flash back or nothing just the sound etc. I just put on we need a man lol.

Then I've experienced an arousal when a outside person is making a sound not a sex sound , but it does remind me of a memory of an outside person. Totally unusual.

Triggering warning 11 -14years old

Memories of clitorial orgasm with a member of my immediate family. I want to go into the memories and all I remember from this part of the story but I am tired of the embarrassment from T who dont want to listen to our friends and stuff. My first paragraph has to do with with younger me in my opinion under 11, clitoral orgasm at (11 years-14 years old, the body im talking about) is memorable but what I'm experiencing in paragraph one is TOTALLY different. I'll just take advice and not search for memories.

Hi
I have an issue that i have never experienced before. I was diagnosed in 2000 but, i actually often do not identify with what many who experience DID report, so I am afraid you will have to bear with me.

My issue is that I am asexual and always have been and yet I have a part of my personality who is not and when I was married, spent a lot of time dealing with things I couldn't. This voice in my head had been silent for probably 7 years until two weeks ago, when I heard her again. I have had 10years of cbt with a skilled therapist, but that ended abruptly by him just disappearing. So with a gap of 5 years I went back into therapy two years ago. This time it's integrative. Yesterday, we were finally able to talk about something that was more than surface deep and today I was writing down things that addressed my therapist's question. The subject was of a specific memory of abuse and I wrote what I could remember and to try to get in touch in some kind of way with this memory, because I am completely detached except for the feeling of intense shame. Four of the voices are quite clearly struggling with it and I am finding it very difficult. However, the unknown voice that i expressed, talks of arousal by this exploration of the event. This to me is crazy and has completely freaked me. I have no concept of arousal so have no experience to draw from. Can anyone identify with this because, I am completely aware that this voice is me, yet I do not identify with her at all. I am afraid if I lose time, she could be dangerous because I can not control her. I know this may sound really crazy, but I am really scared of her, more so than the ones that self-harm and try to kill us.

Hello 52jo.

I am not sure why you do not identify with what many of us report, because many of us do identify with what you report.

What is important for you to know here, is that physiological arousal in response to certain kinds of physical stimulation is hardwired in the human nervous system. Note that I said nervous system not brain or mind; in quadriplegic men electrical stimulation of nerves in the pelvis can activate some sexual arousal and function. Because generally we think sexual arousal is linked (or should be linked) with pleasure, arousal in the context of abuse is something that all sexual abuse survivors struggle with.

52jo wrote:I am afraid if I lose time, she could be dangerous because I can not control her.

Your fear is very understandable. Many of us can relate. So, here is an important question for you: have you lost time in the past? And if you did lose time, then did whoever was in executive control of the body do bad things with it?

So relieved to find this thread. Probably the most disturbing of all the symptoms I suffer and not one that can be discussed with onyone but T. No one talks about this - I have never told anyone about the DID but i have talked about some symptoms like depression occasionally. Dread to think how this would be received by anyone.
It seems the cruelest of lingering effects and I have found it to be very difficult to overcome.

Back to the original post. I think the previous comment was also related to the original post. I have same problem too. I don't even want to tell what some alters have made me watch from the internet to get their kicks. I'm deeply ashamed of that. And when it comes to abuse... I'm finally willing to admit that it happened. I still wish that these comments will be buried deep in this forum.

brandonsmom777 wrote:I felt like I was holding in this deep secret and as I looked at my cousin who had no clue what was going on I thought how she'd hate me if she knew how sick I was for having those feelings. This happens a lot when I hear of rape/sexual abuse. I feel very confused and that I'm a sick person who should be locked away.

dont be ashamed for that, it is common among women to be aroused from a lot of stuff that they dont know about.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magaz ... ire-t.html

And for the male participants, the subjective ratings on the keypad matched the readings of the plethysmograph. The men’s minds and genitals were in agreement.

All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly — and markedly, though to a lesser degree than during all the human scenes except the footage of the ambling, strapping man — as they watched the apes. And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person.