It all went wrong ***trigger: abuse***

So I went to my sisters as planned. Had a great day. At midnight she pulled out the big guns.

***trigger starts here***

Bit of back track. When I was 17 my mother purposefully snooped around in my bedroom to find and read my diary. She didn't like what she read (talk of abuse from her and father that I was telling the social worker) so disappeared for the night and came back the next morning with a message that was pure and simple: bourbon. I nearly killed myself because of you and it would have been your fault. Stop talking to people or I will hurt myself.

So round my sisters she says something along the lines of: that whole time was your fault bourbon. You should have hidden the diary better you shoul have known she was going to look for it. You wanted her to see it really didn't you? You don't take responsibility for what you've done wrong. You don't care about the fact your actions have been hurting your family. Our mother nearly killed herself and it would have been your fault. I am petrified she is going to do that again. Stop fooling around or she will.


Basically.

My partner is trying to convince me she said it out of love and a lack of understanding about the whole thing. Apparently she has no idea what it was the mother read that made her nearly topple into death. She wants me to tell her. All.

I've told her before about the abuse and she's reacted with: oh bourbon it was a game. That knife game was a game. You're blowing it out of proportion. Stop dwelling on it.

I have no idea what to do.

It feels like any sense of stability I have managed to pull together in the last few months has been torn apart in a matter of seconds. When she said all that I ran to the bathroom and spent the next 30 mins tryin not to throw up (I have a phobia of throwing up). I then drove home at 2 in the morning just to get away.

I have woken up after a few hours sleep feeling like my life ha been sucked out of me. It's fathers day today and I've ruined it. I feel so guilty just for breathing air at the moment.

Just needed to share.

B

I am so so sorry Bourbon (et al). I know you have done everything you can to make this trip good for yourself, the kids and your sister. Her words were untrue and so so hurtful. It was not and would never be your fault. Your mother has chosen to abuse you and the consequences of that are her own doing. I know it doesn't feel like it though. **trigger** I've had similar experiences. My mother told me when she would be killing herself (when I graduated high school) at one point during elementary school (while still pushing extremely hard for us to excel and succeed academically). Then later she told me she would kill herself if I went to the hospital or talked to CPS etc. She also got my aunt to call me and tell me it would be all my fault and that she (the mother) would kill herself if I moved out of her home when I was 15. **trigger end** But I know, logically, now that it's just not so. Her life, her choices, her consequences. But it took me years to get there and I am only this fall going to try to finish high school. But know that you have done nothing wrong and you are valuable and you deserve kindness and dependability and validation.

((safe hugs)) if wanted!

- Nin

Safe hugs def wanted.

Tears tears and tears. I'm torn apart.

Burbon, that was terrible of your sister and downright disgusting of your mother. None of this is, was, orwould have been your fault. None of it. Your mother chose to do what she did, and then when you tried to deal with the situation, she tried to turn her mess around on you. And your sister just downright refuses to believe you. She probably doesn't want to. I don't suppose I can blamme her for that much, but her turning it around on you as well was imature and painful to you. Trust me, they are the ones who are wrong. Abuse is wrong. Your mother's threats were wrong. **trigger warning: abuse** I've heard of this happening to women in abusive relationships as well. The guy convinces them that if they tell or leave the relationships, he will kill himself or someone else. I'm sure that reading one of their stories, you'd agree that the guy is in the wrong, not the girl trying to escape. And if you could see your situation more distantly, you'd see that it's the same thing that's been done to you, and it's equally as wrong, at least. **end trigger warning**

You deserve so much better than that. Everyone does. You've been wronged, and for that, my heart goes out to you. But please don't feel any guilt. Believe me when I say you did not do anything wrong. Be strong and stand your ground, internally, if you can't do it externally. You owe that to yourself and your system. I support you. Hugs, if wanted.

Loads of safe hugs from us. *wraps you up in a nice safe blanket of magical things*

I don't know what to say, I suck with words but I am so so sorry. Sounds like your mum was being extremely manipulative and that was emotional blackmail. Not ok, not ever. It's totally wrong. It was not your fault. Just as you take responsibility for the things you guys do, she was responsible for her own actions & the fact she came back to tell you to guilt you into stopping writing and telling just shows she knew she had something to be accountable for in my opinion.

As for your sister, I'm so sorry she said that - maybe your partner was right and she didn't mean it horribly but she just doesn't understand? Still, from what you said I'm not sure if I would try to explain again.

Please dont beat yourself up, B. You definitely deserve to be here and I know how easy it is to internalize pain but please try to get it out? It's not your fault. You deserve better but unfortunately family can suck. Still, try and stay strong - you guys are awesome and you can stay stable inside, as a system

I'm so sorry that happened. Your sister had no right to say that. For one thing, she doesn't know what you'd written about, and for two it's never a child's fault if a parent chooses to kill themselves. I think your sister really needs to take that on board and stop laying blame on you, or worrying about it herself. I think you're so brave to put yourself in that position. I always avoid those types of conversations with my siblings for fear of exactly the same type of reaction. It must be really hard to handle and I'm sorry you feel destabilised now. I hope you feel better soon, thinking of you.

I just Want to say thanks. Iv been crying all morning and am going to try & sleep with the help of some diazepam. I will reply to everyone individually as always but for now know that I'm reading and appreciating every single word.

B

Your mother's response isn't your fault. Your sister is misplacing the blame and anger onto you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. *safe hugs*

bourbon wrote:I've told her before about the abuse and she's reacted with: oh bourbon it was a game. That knife game was a game. You're blowing it out of proportion. Stop dwelling on it.

Pardon me for saying so, but that is just a ridiculous statement!!! There is nothing about the knife game that could be taken as benign or even neutral!!! I am so sorry that your sister's reactions are so crazy making.

I am so very sorry that this is so destabilizing for you after you have worked so hard for the progress that you made over the last few months. In fact, I am angry on your behalf!!!

As for your blog, if your mother doesn't want to read what you have written, she shouldn't read it. She makes her own choices. And I am afraid that I have very little sympathy for abusers who want to avoid the consequences of their actions. If she feels guilty, it is because she should. If she is embarrassed about what she did, she never should have done it. She is responsible for her actions. I understand that it is something that your head knows and that it will take a long time for your heart to learn, but please listen to what we all have to say and take it in a tiny bit at a time!

Lifelongthing - I'm sorry that you've also had to go through experiences with such an extreme manipulative mother. I know you are right. The consequences of my mothers actions are her consequences to deal with. But at this point I have been kicked down now to deny it was even abuse I went through. Unfortunately now I have taken on my mothers/sister's point of view that it was silly of me to get so uptight about things. Nothing that happened was that bad. Sigh. Thank you for your words.

Tunes14 - thank you. Yes it is so easy for me to think if anyone else was in my position I'd be tellin them without hesitation that this isn't their fault and is a way of my mother turning herself into the victim when she knows she was the perpetrator. I guess just my sister backing my mother up has made it feel like I'm bein ganged up on again and has brought everything, and i mean everything, to the fore front of my mind. I am walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders today.

Mosaicmonkey - you are so lovely. Thanks for the blanket of magical things. I like that. You don't sound at words, and I really appreciate them. My mother coming back and guilting me like that does also scream for me that she knows she's done wrong. She owned up to doing the abuse I had written about. She didn't deny it. But "it was a joke" and it was my over sensitivity that made it anythin else.

Owleyes - I avoid those conversations like the plague too! But my sister brought it up really unusually I think spurred on by tiredness (it was midnight) and a few things that reminded her of our past (like a film we watched and stuff). She got really mad that I wouldn't stick around and talk to her about it, that I ran into the bathroom and hid for half an hour but I couldn't have that conversation out of my safe place. I couldn't. Not totally unprepared either. Thanks for your words.

Ashesoflife- my sister learnt a lot of things from our mother. She was pretty much brainwashed too. I must remember that she is coming from a background of brainwashing too. I must allow for her distorted beliefs that were installed into her via the mother. Thanks for the hugs

The Cat's Meow - I am hanging on to every word that is being said both here and on my blog. Emotionally I am feeling better enough to get up out of bed and sit on the sofa (physically is another kettle of fish). That is because I have some strong people around me and online that are helping me to be rational about things and not succumb to the mothers brainwashing. Thanks for your words. I swing from knowing that the knife game bein called a joke is crazy making to totally agreeing. It is exhausting.

I really appreciate everyones kind words. I am reading them and re reading them so I don't completely lose myself in self hatred and self blame right now.

Thank you.

B