I feel like vanishing into nothing (may trigger)

I was actually afraid to read your post at first because that is whAt happened to me when I had a breakdown. A lot of what you said sounds like DID. Obviously as you said we cannot make a diagnosis on the board. That vanishing feeling is absolutely terrifying!!!!! I know all too well what that is like. I've lost many many hours just sitting for weeks unable to make it go away. T sAys it is derealization. Meds helped but took weeks to kick in. I got done what had to get done but I wasn't really aware. Also you do not have to have a history of sexual abuse for DID. Even severe childhood illness that is prolonged can cause dissociation. Domestic violence between parents ESP at that age you mentioned can cause DID. I would seek a more qualified T if I were you. I also get that vanishing feeling and those kaliedscope of lights if I try to suppress switching. Once I got diagnosed, I felt a huge burden lifted. I don't fight it and have used some of the suggestions on the board. It's been a huge blessing seeing how others cope and that my symptoms are common with others with DID.
Keep us posted! I hope you feel better and get it under control because I know what you must be feeling and it is hell

Oh my, I wish I could express how much your posts help me to get through, thank you everyone!

@HopeIsHere
Your posts and the hugs are so very appreciated, you're incredibly kind and your words are so helpful and sweet. You describe exactly how I feel!
The relationship between me and my mom is so interwoven and complicated, it's hard to put it into words. About two years ago she was at her worst and she almost died due to her alcohol depandancy. It was a really dark time for us and her collapse was just the huge final scene of a struggle that lasted so long. It was just the two of us when it happened and I felt so helpless.

Out of a sudden I saw her falling straight onto the hard floor. I jumped off my bed, screaming: “Mom, … MOM!”, hysterically “Mom, mom!”.
I tried to wake her up, slapped her in her face; she purged, so the only option in my head was “turn her around, turn her around, turn her around, she's dying, she's going to die, she will suffocate in her own vomit."
Then I saw her face.
Her eyes were almost completely white, she didn't move at all, just the constant twitching.
I couldn't do anything but running to the telephone to get help but it didn't work. I became more and more hysterical. I couldn't hear this simple “PEEP”; I just wanted to hear this damn noise.
I had no time to waste so I ran back to her to make sure she was still alive.
I don't remember how exactly I got help. I was in a state of shock, going up and down, up and down, sobbing, going up and down.
After a felt eternity the ambulance arrived and several times I asked if she was going to die.
DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, ALONE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE … I'm alone; she dies and I'll be alone. And it's all my fault. It's my fault.
I couldn't even tell the doctors my mom's exact birth date, didn't remember the name of her meds; my head was completely filled with these Caps.
I felt numb and the guilt pulled me down.
It didn't take long until I broke down the first time. I didn't allow myself to do this in front of all these people so I waited until the car was gone. Just a minute for letting it all out, just a minute.

Since then I promised myself to stay strong for her but it's just too much. So many terrible things happened since then. Sometimes I feel like these incidents happen all over again, I'm trapped in these scenarios and there's no way for me to escape it seems.

Our relationship became more and more complicated and abstruse. I often think of us as two identical magnetic poles, being so equal to each other yet constantly pushing each other away against our will.

I have begun to understand she did not start it...her parents did. They did not equip her to be loving to herself..let alone anyone else. It makes me sorry for her. And sorry for myself because I didn't ask to be born into that situation.

This sums up everything pretty well. My mom has never been loved by my grandma, she was cruel and abusive towards her. That's why she tried everything to do better, she did everything for me and my sister, she loves us SO much, gave up everything for us that it might have lead to this despair and the emotionial outbursts and the harsh coldness at times. She's trapped, just like me.

But you can. You have this chance, this opportunity to comfort those parts of you who needed it then..and still need it now. Love them up. It's going to be ok. And it's going to get easier and clearer...and better.

Thank you so much for this, I'll make sure to remember it well. (hugs back)


@Borg
There's actually no way for me to get away from home - not yet, not even sure if I'll ever make it on my own. I feel so lost without her, she's the only person in my life who still cares. I don't have anyone else, no other family members who care enough, no friends. Most of the time she is the sweetest person you could imagine, caring and loving but she seems to be so troubled, so lost, we both are. It's really complicated. I wish I could express my feelings to her but I'm so scared to lose her, too. She's the only one left.
(hugs back)

@Luvmycats

I'm considering to see a new therapist soon but at the same time I'm kind of scared to be diagnosed, no matter if it's DID or not. Diagnoses somehow terrify me since when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I was instantly hospitalised against my will purely justified with the diagnosis alone. There was no current reason for it, she justified her decision with nothing but statistics of people commiting suicide with this disorder. It was really traumatic and I'm still incredibly scared to tell anyone about my real symptoms. I feel safer when lying even though it's impossible for me to receive the help I'd need.

I apologize, this reply is a bit late. I just read through everything, and must say I was deeply moved by your struggles. *lots of hugs (if desired)*

UbiquitousAbsence wrote:I know it sounds strange but it's like there's some kind of demon inside of him taking over him at times (not like a switch; it's kind of different), to be honest I really don't know, he never talks about these things.

I have a close friend whose father is an alcoholic and she said something very similar. When he isn't drinking, she said he's a great dad, and when he does, it's like something evil takes him over. It seems to me that in some/many cases, alcohol brings out the worst in people, like a demon taking them over. That sounds like an apt description.

Borg wrote:I'm a super big advocate of setting up healthy boundaries.

I would agree whole-heartedly. You do not have to put up with this behavior from your dad, and I think it's very unhealthy for you to be subjected to such a frightening invasion of your privacy. We all want you to be safe. Safety, is the best channel to facilitate healing and recovery.

Also, you are an amazing writer. Your descriptions are so vivid, so poetic. I'm really glad you've come to these forums.

UbiquitousAbsence wrote:Seriously, I feel so bad about sharing all of this publicly but I just have to get it out, there are so many things stuck inside of me I feel the need to share after years of being silent and death.

I think it is really good to get all of these things out of you. We keep a lot inside as well, and it's not healthy. For a time, it is a safety mechanism, but we are really glad you are sharing, getting these things out of your system.

UbiquitousAbsence wrote:Okay, I'm on the verge of getting a panic attack right now.

I can relate to some of the things you have described below in this message, and have done them. You are not alone. I know this may be hard, but I think you should forgive yourself. All of these things, no matter how other people may perceive them as sick or wrong, but they are your coping mechanisms. You use them to deal with horrible traumas you have experienced. None of this makes you a bad or sick person. Just damaged. And that is okay. For us, it is my other alters who have these desires, so I am lucky I am able to separate myself from them and say “That belongs to THIS alter, not me.”

UbiquitousAbsence wrote:I'm considering to see a new therapist soon but at the same time I'm kind of scared to be diagnosed, no matter if it's DID or not. Diagnoses somehow terrify me since when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I was instantly hospitalised against my will purely justified with the diagnosis alone.

That is a very good reason to be afraid of a diagnosis. I don't think better treatment has to come with a diagnosis, though. I'm seeing a therapist now with DID experience and she IS an MFT, but she has years of experience with DID, and has been helping us, and she has not once mentioned a diagnoses. Neither has my insurance company or any other doctor I've seen.

UbiquitousAbsence wrote:Since then I promised myself to stay strong for her but it's just too much. So many terrible things happened since then. Sometimes I feel like these incidents happen all over again, I'm trapped in these scenarios and there's no way for me to escape it seems.

It sounds like you are in a very frightening situation, and that you are extremely strong. Only a very brave and strong person could get through the events you have previously described. *hugs (if wanted)*

UbiquitousAbsence wrote:There's actually no way for me to get away from home - not yet, not even sure if I'll ever make it on my own. I feel so lost without her, she's the only person in my life who still cares. I don't have anyone else, no other family members who care enough, no friends.

I can understand not wanting to leave your mom, after all you two have been through together, you must have a deep bond. You seem very intelligent and strong. It will be okay for you. You have a friend in me. I hope things begin looking up soon.

I just got a little bit teary-eyed while reading through your reply a few minutes ago! (hugs back, thank you)
And don't worry, at times my replies are so late, it can take days or weeks until I finally get myself to write one; I usually need a lot of time until I get my brain to think clearly enough for my reply to make sense at all.

When he isn't drinking, she said he's a great dad, and when he does, it's like something evil takes him over.

The problem is that when he's not drinking, it's like he doesn't exist,... sometimes we didn't see him for months or even longer. We only matter to him when he's struggling with something, and I guess not even then since that's the time when he becomes this creepy part of himself.
Sometimes I'm scared I may turn into his reflection; I hate my facial features so much because they remind me of him all the time and I can't change it.
I don't know how to describe his character but I always thought him as the air; everywhere yet intangible. Giving hope like the air we breathe, destroying it with a giant gust of wind, just to become invisible again, giving the impression that nothing has happened.

We all want you to be safe. Safety, is the best channel to facilitate healing and recovery.

Also, you are an amazing writer. Your descriptions are so vivid, so poetic. I'm really glad you've come to these forums.

Thank you so much, I don't know what to say! It's one of my many dreams to become a writer; I'm currently writing my first story. It means a lot that you think of my posts as this!
I'm so glad to be here, really, it was the best decision I could have made.


Oh, I just noticed how tired I am, I didn't sleep too well last night. I'll post a more detailed answer later this day. I'm trying to get some more sleep for now.

There's actually no way for me to get away from home - not yet, not even sure if I'll ever make it on my own. I feel so lost without her, she's the only person in my life who still cares. I don't have anyone else, no other family members who care enough, no friends. Most of the time she is the sweetest person you could imagine, caring and loving but she seems to be so troubled, so lost, we both are. It's really complicated. I wish I could express my feelings to her but I'm so scared to lose her, too. She's the only one left.
(hugs back)

((Big safe Hugs)) Oh, about the get away from home, I meant more of a walk or movie rather than something drastic or more long term. Sometimes just a couple minutes of decompression helps to keep things from getting overwhelming.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone IRL to call for support, some areas have general support groups, which could be helpful. You sound like an incredibly strong person, you are going through alot, I hope things are calmer today for you.

What if you and your mom see a counselor together? A "couples therapist" might help so you can express yourself, and the therapist would help provide an objective observer/mediator assistance. Those aren't so much about dx, it's more about opening up communication and such.

Hopeishere, Luvmycats, & Doe-eyed, gave some solid advise. You have alot of caring people here rooting for you and yours. Best wishes.

More than ever before I feel like I'm disappering. Everything is so unreal and distorted. Once again I refuse to leave the house. I'm empty and yet so full of things I can't feel or put into words. The days feel too short, cut, like I can't remember certain things. I'm hiding in the background of my mind and it's getting harder to embrace what is real, tangible. Everything around me is so ghostlike, like liquid, so soon to be gone, like me. I fee like a ghost, trapped between the edge of life and death and I'm so confused.
I haven't visited this forum for quite a while and yet I think no time has passed since I last posted here. I don't even really remember writing these things - I know I did but when I'm reading them their meanings seem to change and at times I don't recognize any sense they might contain at all. The nights can be so long - even when I'm asleep I don't really rest. My dreams are distorted and leave me with a strange feeling, like wet sand running through my fingers, leaving sticky remnants in my mind.
There was a little girl and I heard her talking in my head. I can't remember the exact night it happened though. I was talking to her – it’s like there’s a communication channel but it’s blocked and therefore hard to get through. She told me her name twice but I couldn’t understand it. It was very long and she seemed to be unable to pronounce it correctly – the same problem I had when I was smaller. She’s a little girl with a high pitched voice and we talked about things I don’t remember anymore. I felt dizzy the whole night and many nights before it happened; like I was being pulled back by a rope from the inside, all at once, so many times and there was a rustle and a confusion in my head; it didn’t hurt but it made me feel torn apart and hurled. I wasn't dreaming but it felt like I was.
I have such strange dreams lately. I was small and grown at the same time, surrounded by plush toys of my childhood I almost forgot; my baby doll; my Minnie Mouse. I sat on my bed and everything was dark, so dark. Not the environment but everything inside. Colourless and dark. I felt watched. Someone watching me through the half opened window and I wanted to close it and I couldn’t move. I just sat there and sat and sat and sat without moving.

I've been hiding in my room for days, weeks. The only thing I can do is reading, it's the only thing that makes me feel real because these characters, I can connect to them. Like me they exist only halfway, once our eyes make it seem so. That's what I am. I only exist in the eyes of others because inside this body of mine there's nothing. So much and nothing at all.

I'm still having issues with daily things such as changing clothes because they're either too scratchy or I don't feel comfortable wearing them. I don't like seeing my body shape through clothes or to feel strange fabrics touching my skin, it makes me mad. Also changes inside my room make me cry. I don't like people touching my things or changing the way I put them. I don't like loosing or changing things at all. Being naked, even when taking a shower, at times is impossible because it makes me cry as well and I don't know why. I'm really confused most of the time and I want to do things only children do because mostly that's what I am. Sometimes I feel like a liar when telling peope my 'body' age because I feel so much younger and at times so much older and I don't know what age I really am.

I recently started going to school again because despite of my age I didn't graduate because I was afraid of school. I feel so uncomfortable being there. My grades are just fine but I'm so scared of this place and the people even though we don't really talk, they scare me.

I'm just starting to get really dizzy again, so I decided to stop writing for now. At times even writing is too exhausting.

I'm sorry for this long absence, I really wanted to write here but I just couldn't.

Have you had any time where you felt better and not like vanishing? I know exactly what you are describing and I feel for you. If you have had better periods of time, what were you doing differently? I still have moments Like that. But mine have now reduced to just a day at a time. Finding the triggers and avoiding them helps. I can't emphasize therapy enough!!! Just talking and saying it out loud to someone who understands helps immensely. Keeping busy helps as it really takes the focus off the internal to just go into that vanishing place. Exercise helps immensely. It's hard to do it, but it really helps keep you more grounded. I'm glad to hear you are going back to school. Good for you!!! Taking care of yourself will really give you more confidence and something to focus on. Keep me posted and take care!!

It was hard for us to read this thread, and we had to skim through most of it (sorry, lots of triggering stuff there for us, but we did try to read what we could). We don't know how well we can help right now since we couldn't really read many details, but we wanted to try anyway.

These threads might be helpful in general to you.
-- This thread contains resource websites along with organized threads from this site that deal with common questions, discovery experiences, communication with alters, symptoms, things about alters/systems, and much more. ~~DDNOS/DID Resources: symptoms, common questions, etc: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html (Just so you know, there's additions/updates on the 2nd page).

-- This thread focuses more on the "causes" of DID, DID development, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting, doubt/denial, and a couple threads on communication/acceptance and working with alters. ~~For all who question how they have DID/think their's is odd: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html



And then these threads might be helpful or just interesting to you. Either way, we wanted to share them. Maybe you'll identify with parts of them, maybe they'll be of help to you, maybe they'll just be an interesting read.

Kat wanted to share this one: -Trying to open up: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic74768.html

Kyra wanted to share this one: ~Not sure who I am or what's going on: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100859.html

And we all wanted to share this one, even though it's a bit old and outdated, it still might be helpful/interesting or something to you: -Sorting all of me out *defined roles*: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic76544.html



We're sorry for things you're experiencing and have experienced. We hope you feel better soon and that this place is helpful to you.


-A mixture of us(?)

There was a little girl and I heard her talking in my head.

If you have DID, you likely have more alters than one. This advice may be a risk because you may not be prepared to have confirmed that you have DID (if you do) but you may want to ask if anyone is there who is old enough to help you. Many persons with DID have rational parts, less emotional. Ask them not to pass along any information you're not ready to hear but ask if anyone could talk to you, to give you advice. I did this occasionally throughout my life when I was completely panicked and feeling hopeless. Sometimes I would get back a helpful response. It was never lengthy enough to suggest it wasn't just my conscience, inner wisdom, whatever. And I think, unaware I had DID and always fearful of mental illness, I would have freaked if someone had made it clear they weren't me.

Now that I know what all this is, the others can be very comforting, better than any friend. Even if they are hopeless about our life, none are cruel and they don't like to see me or any of us suffering, unless a temporary emotional breakdown might need to play out. So I'm saying that your own mind, whether you have DID or not, might have some suggestions for how to help. Needless to say, you have to be willing to listen for them and to them. Of course, it's possible communication like this just won't work for you.

Anything grounding, like doing something physical -- walking, cold water on the face, jumping jacks -- may help temporarily. I find that speaking aloud my thoughts, worries, fears, no matter how weird, also helps. This isn't just an exercise. In my system, none of us can read each other's thoughts, though we can often see images or hear words when words are specifically "thought" clearly. Nobody can help me much when I'm just worried or feeling lost or upset because they can't access what I'm thinking and I'm in an emotional whirlpool or the opposite, vapid. So I speak and tell them and most of them do the same. Writing also works but takes longer and is a different process.

Your dissociation, the fogginess, may once have been mind-saving. As you leave childhood, it becomes less and less helpful. Deciding that you yourself want to be more grounded in reality, that it may now be more safe, even if you can't always hold on to the decision, may be part of the solution.

Your OK. All is normal for what and who you are, and what you have gone through.... Im glad your here. Your not alone...

Keep reading blogs and leave comments.... Should help a bit.