I feel like vanishing into nothing (may trigger)

Same problem here, it's so hard to get sleep lately. It's strange but my panic attacks mostly come at night and when I'm finally able to sleep these nightmares start to pop up and the next morning I feel more tired than the night before.

I hope so, too, so both of us will have a rest- and peaceful sleep tonight!

Okay, I'm on the verge of getting a panic attack right now.

*Trigger warning*



Seeing my father standing before our house, with the bottle in his hands, slowly leaving, tumbling.

I'm so scared, this day was truly awful and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I gave in to bulimia today and I was so out of control; it felt like I was nothing but a machine, there was no chance for me to fight against it. Afterwards -...or did it happen before that? - I broke some glass and cut myself.
It's so strange, it all happened because I felt so dirty, so abnormal and disgusting for allowing myself to act out these horrible desires of the flesh. I no longer know what's happening to me, for being aroused all the time and watching these dirty, sick things, I feel so horrible about it but it's like a force and it makes me phsysically sick to watch them. It's like I'm punishing my mind and body for feeling these things when actually it's just so wrong and disgusting and after the punishment in acting it out (because the act itself is able to cause myself having a panic attack, I'm shivering, scared, aroused and disgusted at the same time and these feelings seem to belong to each other even though they shouldn't) I neutrailze the guilt in hurting myself; to make it vanish like it never happened.

Lately I'm constantly nervous and the skin picking is getting so bad that once again I can barely walk because my feet are filled with holes of baring flesh; I also pluck out the hair of my genital area to punish and at the same time to calm myself.
Seriously, I feel so bad about sharing all of this publicly but I just have to get it out, there are so many things stuck inside of me I feel the need to share after years of being silent and death.

So, back to my father...

(Again, it might be triggering)

He visited without a warning and I wasn't able to even talk. He was so drunken and once again he looked like the devil he always was, his eyes staring into mine - leaning in front of me, hardly keeping his balance - his dead eyes staring into mine, I saw the devil, a space of nothingness or just plain insanity. He walked through the room, then sat down next to me, so close, on my bed, I curled up into a ball, pretending to be dead. I slowly grabbed a pencil and prepared myself to stab him just in case he would go crazy again. I almost saw him pointing the gun at my face through the window like he did a few years ago, - today I saw a gun when in reality he grabbed a tissue only. The smell of alcohol filled my nose as he moved closer and I almost couldn't stand it anymore, afraid I might scream if he'd move one inch closer. The headache and dizziness got worse and I felt numb which meant a big deal to me because I didn't intend to make a fuss out of nothing. I'm so glad he's gone now, he scares me.

I'm so confused and hazy, I almost wish I accepted his sick offer to get me some recipes of meds illegally in the near future. He really wants me to become his reflection, does he? I don't know anymore. I don't want to become like him. I don't need meds nor drugs, nor do I need him. I wish he would just disappear forever.

I understand how you feel so many things right now, you sound like you've been through alot. Are you safe now?

Is there any way you can get some distance from your father for a bit? If he has a house key, you could you change the locks or have a fail safe plan for when he visits? Like slip out the back door? Stay still and quiet, pretend you're not home? You don't have to answer the door, nor interact with him. He may be biological foo, but you have no obligation to him. Heat sensors are $20 at the tool shop, very much worth the peace of mind, and helps with "surprise" visits. Strategically placed, one always knows where there is motion.

I also understand that you are afraid of him, but you have much more power in this situation than you may realize. There is nothing wrong with calling the police on your father, no harm and might be the thing he needs. From what I read he had a gun last time, which is horribly frightening in it itself. You are important, and need to keep yourself safe.

I'm a super big advocate of setting up healthy boundaries, and disowning dysfunctional foo who won't respect them.

Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot!

I tried to get some sleep after it happened and had some really strange nightmares but I feel much better now. I think it's okay now, I don't think he'll visit again in the near future since he's more busy in leading his own little war of the roses with his ex-girlfriend and it's pretty time-consuming I guess...
The problem is, sometimes he's quite normal...he never really cared in these times either but at least there was no need to be scared of him. But then, suddenly he seems to change and gets totally out of mind. I just never know what to expect when being near him. I know it sounds strange but it's like there's some kind of demon inside of him taking over him at times (not like a switch; it's kind of different), to be honest I really don't know, he never talks about these things.

The problem is that he barely uses the door ring when visiting (and even if he would, there's no door viever attached to our door), yesterday for example he kind of tricked my mom in changing his voice and pretended to be somebody else to let him in. He's pretty treacherous, especially when he's alcoholised or under some kind of drugs. And still at this time he was quite mild-mannered even though there's a very thin line and it's hard to notice when it's getting dangerous.
Calling the police would be almost useless because since the weekly incidents with his ex-girlfriend they don't really take any incidents concerning him seriously. He wasn't even arrested after the gun incident a few years ago, so it feels we're pretty much on our own when it comes to him.

Sometimes I wish (and I feel horrible for thinking this) he would just disappear...

Thank you so much for your post, you really made me feel better!

The problem is, sometimes he's quite normal...he never really cared in these times either but at least there was no need to be scared of him.

I understand. I have family members like that, one just never knows what is going to happen next. They never talk as well, but maybe that is due to their own lack personal awareness(or ability to introspect).

Maybe, if your mom and you can work with an authority figure(T, clergy or police) on safe options. I understand the situation with the police, we had a similar experience about 20 years ago. Luckily that person finally moved on, but anyway, there are protective measures you can take. I know the police aren't much help, but for us, even though they could only keep the other person away temporarily, they gave some great tips on self protection and home safety.

Sometimes I wish (and I feel horrible for thinking this) he would just disappear...

There's nothing horrible about thinking this, I've felt the same way with some foo, I thought I was trapped, powerless, and my only option was if they died, or like you say, disappear.

Anyway, Best wishes.

I'd just add if you cannot find an authoritative figure to help mediate; can you make yourself a safety plan? Something you can do to help cope during the surprise visits to help you feel safer? I'm not very much help right now - lot of stress in our world, but I want you to know you are cared about.

My son talks about his emotions (all..not just anger or sadness...everything) being like a reservoir with a jello dam - anything might make it all come crashing down. He's worried he cannot take out a cup out at a time to deal with in little doses or give to those who caused it....but what our T has suggested then, because that is just too much right now.... so what she has told him to do is work with just the daily stuff.

Just recording what is upsetting him and what went right for the day... she says when he is feeling overwhelmed, he might visualize doing something with the anxiety/anger/whatever - like one person uses a wishing well...she tells herself she will put the thing away like a quarter. not to lose forever, but for the well to 'hold it' for her until she is ready to pick it back up and look at it...

What we do looks like this:

I felt really (whatever) when (someone/something) (did what they did).
When I feel (this feeling) my biggest fear is . . .
What I need to happen is:
What I need from (the person) is:

Sometimes the person can be spoken to and your need expressed and even, hopefully, met. Sometimes you can either not talk to them or they won't respond the way you'd like...and at least giving yourself the validation of what you need and that it is OK to need it...helps.

Also, if you can take it one more step. Don't just leave it with "I fear this...." you must also ask if it is logical that the thing you would fear would occur or is happening...

I'm going to give an example from our own life.

I felt really angry when my brother said he would do dishes for me and didn't.
It made me feel betrayed. Also, I feared dad would blame me for them not being done.
I needed my brother to keep his promise.
(to brother: I need you to keep your promise, or let me know if there is a reason you can't. If you do this, I will have the chance to be understanding. If you don't, i won't be able to trust you...)
to self: Dad might have blamed me if he didn't know what happened...but he usually listens. When I find out something isn't going the way I expected, I could find him and talk to him. I don't have to wait for him to 'find' the dishes and get upset before I talk to him....

This is giving him control - to understand his feelings, validate them, help him communicate to his brother and to his dad....

I know this is long..maybe even disjointed...but hang in there. Hopefully i can give more coherent advice soon.

Thank you both for replying, I feel more understood than ever, I'm so glad I had the guts to create an account here. Really, thank you for being so understanding.

During the last few days I became more and more confused, with every passing day it got worse and I can barely remember what I was doing. It's all so blurry, dizzy and out of order. I don't know what's happening, I can't remember how many times I shoved my fingers down my throat or harmed myself, it's such a mess. I feel so stressed and somehow pushed near the edge and I feel like tumbling or floating without realizing what I'm doing to the extent that I could remember it. At night I heard these childlike voices again and I think there was also a man talking... I think I tried to talk to them and the little girl even answered, I think...I don't really remember, it was so jumbled and hard to keep track of.
I was fighting so hard to not get back into my eating disorder again but it seems to be almost beyond my control, it just takes over; I walk into the bathroom and it seems like my legs are moving on their own.
I haven't seen my father since his last visit; there was an announcement in the newspapers of a man of his age being arrested for trying to break into a restaurant the exact same night of his visit, it would suit him so well... but then I heard my sister talking about him strolling through the city, totally drunken, yelling and screaming, it's scary and embarassing.

I'm so confused, it's hard to keep track of what I'm writing. I can't concentrate, can't even completely read through your replies, the words just escape through my head without making sense. Every little noise is too much, I feel the need to cover my ears and eyes because it's all so overwhelming. My behaviour is strange and unfamilar. I cry so very often; swaying my body forth and back, like a rocking chair, wincing at every little movement of the people around me. I feel like hiding myself under a huge table, curling myself up for nobody to notice me. I'm afraid of making noises when crying so I bite my hands and arms as hard as I can to make the emotional pain go away. The panic attacks at night exhaust me, I'm very tired.
The headache's getting worse as well and these flashes and dots in front of my eyes appear out of nowhere (I've been seeing two different eye specialists but there's nothing physically wrong with them).
I just want all of this to go away, I'm so tired and scared.

Edit: I'll try to read your replies again once the confusion vanishes; once the words make sense in my head. I'm sorry for not being able to elaborate on your posts right now, I'll try again as soon as possible!

It's driving me crazy, it's just too much.

My mom is acting so strange and scary nowadays, I don't know what to do; it seems it's all my fault and the guilt is just too much. I'm scared, so scared.
I wish she would just be normal again,... it's like there's a subliminal feeling of hate towards me when she looks at me even though she would never admit it. Every gesture, every word is so cold and desperate, I don't know what's wrong. Our whole family is so infected, there's something dark sprawling out and there's no way to stop it.
I wish she would just... I don't know...take care of me; hug me and watch over me when I sleep. To console me when I'm panicking at night and feel like screaming, purging, biting myself. But she yells at me, sighs in such a disappointed way; it kills me inside. I feel so small, so alone.
I don't want her to hate me. I feel like I'm manipulating her in every way possible, I feel evil. I try to drown my sobbing yet I feel like screaming for her to notice me, to safe me.
She tells me how she feels like going mad, destroying everything around her and I'm scared. I'm selfish because I want her to get better to take care of me, it's horrible and disgusting. I'm so confused.

Oh sweetie.... (apologies if that word is triggering) but I just feel for you; how lost and how much you just want to be allowed to be a kid and not have to feel you need to be responsible for the feelings of (you mom, for example).

I would venture to guess she may have her own problems and upbringing that did not equip her to be able to give you the things you needed/need.

My T told me this about my own mother. "What you needed...what you wanted...was a dollar.... but what your mom had to give at her disposal...was fifty cents. It's not fair. And maybe, because of fear or selfishness or jealousy or whatever...she even chose not to give you all she could have. Maybe she kept 25 cents to herself..'just in case' she needed it. So...she only gave you twenty five cents. It isn't what you needed. It isn't what you wanted. It is most certainly not what you deserved. But it WAS all she could give you."

Realizing this has helped me so much. I know that if someone asked me if my mom loves me I would say yes - I think she does as well as she can.... so all of the rest...even the harshness, the criticism...all of the bad she did. I have begun to understand she did not start it...her parents did. They did not equip her to be loving to herself..let alone anyone else. It makes me sorry for her. And sorry for myself because I didn't ask to be born into that situation.

But it makes it less hurtful and personal. She was not able to seek and get the tools/skills she needed to be any different than she was at the time she was raising me.

Long story short hon...you deserve a dollar. More than a dollar. It sounds like the people around you are incapable of giving that to you. That is not your fault. You did not cause them to be this way. A child needs love. Attention. Safety. Security. At this point, you may have to give that to yourself in a way. To love yourself. To comfort yourself with this knowledge - you deserved a dollar. you needed it. It doesn't have to be angry or sad...just a fact. They couldn't give it to you. But you can. You have this chance, this opportunity to comfort those parts of you who needed it then..and still need it now. Love them up. It's going to be ok. And it's going to get easier and clearer...and better.

((safe hugs)) -Hope

I can relate with what you are going through. Your in a tough spot, is there any way you can get away from your Mom for a bit, with some friends or just out, away alone if need be.

Your mom seems to caught up in her own inner turmoil to be the mom you need and deserve. This is in no way a reflection of your inner worth, she just can't see how truly beautiful you really are because her "glasses" are broken and muddied from her own problems.
((Big safe hugs))