Daily how are you?

I can't stand popcorn but chocolate maybe :p

Even better! I hope the rest of today goes better.

bourbon wrote:We are not doing too good tonight. Just got back from a toy shop hoping it would cheer the littles up a bit but that mission completely failed.

To the point im wondering whether to go to my friends house and just "let it go" but it's late.

I hope that you can find some comfort tonight...

As for me, I don't know... I went to work out, which at least helped with the anxiety piece of things, but the pain... I am just so incredibly tired of the body memories. These last few weeks the memories have been so, so physical and I am so sick and tired of it. I am tired of having new material come up- I wish that I could just stop it!

I should go and iron out the fabric that I dyed earlier today- this is always my favorite part of the dyeing process- seeing how everything turned out.

Years ago, I used to be able to engage my kids more in fun types of activities- reading books to them, playing with legos, blowing bubbles, but I just haven't done that this time around. I suspect that it has something to do with having a child now, but why that should keep me from allowing my internal kids to have a bit of fun, I don't know. Now days, it seems that my kids are just entirely focused on the abuse. Sometimes I can bring to them a sense of safety in the here and now, but for the most part it is just pain for them.

My goal for the summer (while my daughter is out of school) is to try to do more things that both my daughter and my internal kids can enjoy doing. Unfortunately, it isn't a simple matter, because I know that my daughter will demand my attention and all too often it is at the same time as I am experiencing some sort of internal demand for attention. So I will definitely need to work to keep my internal kids from getting too close to the surface.

Hm, come to think of it, that probably isn't helping my kids feel any better. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I adore my daughter, but since my kids have become so active, it has become much more challenging and stressful to balance her needs and my system's needs.

The Cat's Meow I think doing things your daughter and your littles will like will be really good and a good way to share your time with all of them. I think that you are so thoughtful about your daughter and your littles that you are balancing things very well and are a great mom (wise words passed on from a wise soul here at PF). Make sure while you are taking care of everyone else you take care or you - famous busy mom's last words, I know, but try!

Thanks bourbon and doe-eyed for the support - I am trying to embrace the communication with this little. Its going ok so far, and the anxiety attacks have let up a bit (probably because I spent the day in bed yesterday and am finally rested).

Sam

The Cat's Meow, I agree with SamsLand on the advice. Do you know if there's anything that both your littles and your daughter would like to do, so that everyone can be enjoying it at once? Perhaps you could also set a certain time of the day aside, when your daughter is busy with something else, to allow your littles to do things that they really enjoy, so that they don't feel neglected. I hope that the summer goes well for you!

Today has been interesting for me. Since I tend to set a wall up to try to force my alters from switching, I decided to let them out a little today for co-hosting. Delia seemed to really enjoy having a chance to listen to music, and my little, Dani, loved playing a videogame with me. I also met a new little today-- it was pretty surprising to hear his voice at first, as he claimed he was my youngest (Isabella), and after teasing him for a little bit about lying and trying to get him to open up, a phrase popped into my head, Bandit. I asked him if that was his name, and he said yes. He also jumped out for co-hosting without asking him to when he saw my cat, but that only lasted a few minutes. He went away afterward, so I'm hoping to learn a bit more about him soon.

The Cat's Meow wrote:Tomorrow is the last day of school. I adore my daughter, but since my kids have become so active, it has become much more challenging and stressful to balance her needs and my system's needs.

I am not yet blessed with motherhood but I admire you for being able to balance the two. It sounds a great idea if you can involve your inner kids and your daughter in something that they can all enjoy! I will never forget the documentary I watched on DID where the DID mum was playing with her daughter as one of her little's. I wish you the best with it.

SamsLand wrote:Its going ok so far, and the anxiety attacks have let up a bit (probably because I spent the day in bed yesterday and am finally rested).

I'm glad the anxiety attacks have let up a bit. Sometimes bed days are all I can manage. Er, well, a lot of the time at the moment!

theastronomer wrote:Today has been interesting for me. Since I tend to set a wall up to try to force my alters from switching, I decided to let them out a little today for co-hosting.

Whoop! I love this! Great news. And you met a new little Doubly great. I'm glad you felt able to let that wall down a little bit. I think it will be great for releasing any pent up pressure in your system.

B

@The Cat's Meow, There's a couple books I got on play, they might be helpful in finding stuff that all can enjoy. (one Playing with toddlers the other one is Play, unplugged)

You have such a tough job, and I think the others gave some great advice, no not much to add, mostly well wishes.

@SamsLand, I hope today goes better. What do you find helps the most when you have an anxiety attack?

@Theastronomer, that's cute how you saw through his games, Bandit is a sweet name.

@Bourbon-How are you doing?

Borg wrote:@Bourbon-How are you doing?

I'm okay thanks. Visited a number of friends today so that has made me quite happy. I was actually able to get out of bed today and be sociable! Go me

And you? Borg?

And you? Anyone else?

I'm okay thanks. Visited a number of friends today so that has made me quite happy. I was actually able to get out of bed today and be sociable! Go me

Awesome! I wanna say something cute about friends warming something, but I can't remember that saying. Anyway, I'm glad you got to have fun.

Me? Got to finally do some of my rougher chores which can suck, but once it's done it's good and solid. Except the weeding, that never ends....c'est la vie.

Hooray for having a better day and being sociable, Bourbon!

Chores? I hate to think about how far I am behind. And weeding- ugh! I just found out yesterday that someone is doing their renewal of vows tomorrow in our back yard!!! Ack! I guess that I know what I will be doing tomorrow.

Today was T day for me, which is an all day affair between driving there for 2 hours, 1 hour session, today it was 2.5 hours sitting on a side street, first in a healing trance and then writing, then an hour walking/running on a trail, then a quick grocery shopping trip while near a good store, then 2 hours home. It makes for a long day.

My session got thrown off track today- someone knocked on the door, because they thought that it was supposed to be their session (I have the same day, but different times on alternating weeks.) It was just as I was getting in contact with the kids and trying to figure out what it was that they needed to do in session. Of course the other client was in crisis, so my T stepped out of the room to speak to her. She was probably gone all of 2 minutes, but by then the kids were gone and the one who really needed to talk with her never showed up again during the session. We talked about some worthwhile stuff, but I just knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't what I most needed to be doing with my session. I hate that feeling!

Of course the kid in question showed up once I was out of session. It all ended up coming out while writing, so I emailed it all off to my T. I very rarely use anything but the most general language about the abuse, but this part of me needed to give some details. I am guessing that the details needed to come out because of just how physical the flashbacks have been over the last couple of weeks. It's unclear how much I would have been able to get out verbally in session, even if we hadn't been interrupted, because it is so difficult to talk about. I might have needed to write it to her anyways, but I also suspect that I need to go through the struggle with telling, test it out, find out that she won't abandon me for saying "horrible things" and that my telling her won't make her experience what happened. Both of which are fears that I am fully aware are about my relationship with my mother and have little to do with my T (can you say transference?!?) My T did respond appropriately to the e-mail, and I am sure that we will be talking about this next week.

At least the day turned from a damp, grey, and chilly one to an absolutely gloriously beautiful day! It made the walk/run and driving home a delight.

Thank you, everyone for the support around balancing being a mom and dealing actively with the abuse and dissociation. I successfully put it all on hold for the first 7 years of my daughter's life, but I need to finish dealing with it, so I can put the rest of that burden behind me. However, I am glad that I was able to put it on hold when she was smaller and needed even more of my attention. I am also glad that I wasn't working on abuse that happened to me at younger ages when she was at those ages. It is hard enough dealing with stuff that happened at about the age that she is now and seeing exactly how young and small and utterly unprepared to deal with something so overwhelming I had to have been.

Sorry to go on so long! I am obviously still processing the day...

@Borg - It definitely feels good to get things done around the house, especially the worst chores. I always feel very sluggish when I lay around all day rather than try to do something.

@Bourbon - That's great! I'm glad you had a good time out today.

@The Cat's Meow - I'm sorry that happened during your T session The same thing's happened to me before, as well, with being interrupted. Hopefully the next one will go better.

Today was pretty neutral for me; had my own session with my T, which went okay. Tonight's been much rougher. My girlfriend got triggered, and she's stuck at a grandparent's house, where she doesn't feel safe. She isn't responding well to my messages, claiming she's fine and everything's fine. She goes into denial a lot, so I have no idea how to help her with this situation. Very anxious.