Trust issues & bad memories (triggers)

Heeey. It's me...again. Seeking for help. T_T

That's the only thing I'm good for...complaining!

Well I'm just gonna throw my problem here and hope that things don't get out of control and that I don't get killed by other part. Pff - see? I'm good at blackmailing! xD I blacmail with my pain to get help...stupid attention w**re...

Okay, so my therapist and my doctor prescripted some sleeping pills to me because I can't sleep properly (have hard time falling asleep but I can stay asleep well enough). I got the pills on wednesday and read the instructions and stuff...it said that it's mainly used for treating depression, psychosis(!!!!) and schizophrenia(!!!!) but also as sleeping medication due to its sleepy side effects.

I. DID. NOT. ASK. FOR. THIS!

SHE KNEW(!!!!) that I HAD bad memories of this SIMILAR MEDICATION when I was treated in hospital with WRONG DIAGNOSIS!!! SHE KNEW that I HATED anti-psychosis medication and that it WORSENED OUR CONDITION!!! Those people (not aware of our true condition: DID) in the hospital basically tried to ELIMINATE OUR DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER WITH MEDICATION!!! THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND THEY TREATED US SO WRONG THAT IT CAUSED US MORE TRAUMAS AND MORE SPLITTING!!!!

I'm infuriated to my therapist... She KNEW!!!!!!! And still...still she GAVE ME THIS F****ING POISON!!!!

I feel the old traumas taking ahold of me...I can't think straight. I can only think that she's trying to get rid of my PARTS!!! That she's trying to DRUG AND POISON US!!! (We also have some trauma memories where our abusers drugged us with stuff that made us sleepy etc., that she's NOT YET aware ot though...)

I can't do this!!! I can't eat it!!! I'd rather kill myself with those pills!!! I. WON'T. EAT. THEM!!!

I'm. So. PISSED!!! I can't eat those...I don't want to tell her that I can't eat them... I'm afraid that she might hurt us... I CAN'T EAT THEM!!! They trigger us TOO BADLY!!! I WON'T DO IT!!!

I sent a text message to my therapist if I could email her about this. I can't talk about this in a session...I'd just go ballistick and all cry-baby. I canceled today's session because I'm too pissed off to talk about this face-to-face. I want to tell her...that this doesn't suit us. But I'm afraid...that we get kicked in the head again...and that our voice will be silenced AGAIN. I KNOW what's best for us...for the whole system!!! I KNOW us best! Not her!!! Not anyone from the outside but ME!!!

I'm so confused of what to do... Ideas and thoughts? And I don't want to be mean...I'm just angry with this all!!!

I don't really have any advice but want to offer some support.

Sincerely,
Emmalyse

Emmalyse wrote:I don't really have any advice but want to offer some support.

Sincerely,
Emmalyse

Hi!

It's okay that you can't give any advice, just the mere support helps me greatly! Thank you! <3

Btw, I love your avatar! ^_^ So cute!

Things are getting better now, I'm calming down and starting to think rationally again. I just got SEVERELY triggered back there.