Alter learning their identity *Sad* Confused*

Mitera is a mom-alter in my son who came 'awake' last Sunday. She is NOT handling this well. Her first words to me were 'who the F*** are you?!'. She had to be taken 'by force' back inside by Protector....she refuses to talk to him because he is (not quite human/scary looking). My son told her (inside) who he was and she cried because he's all grown up.... She has rocked one of the Littles...but the other doesn't like her....

Tonight she came out to me. She didn't mean to. After the Little (Kerron, age 2) spoke with me about how she looked like his mom but wasn't...we talked about how he could think of her more like an Auntie and that she could snuggle/comfort him when he's there and I can take care of him when he's out...so that he's not avoiding her any more...he misses his sister who has taken to her... Anyway, my advice seemed to give him some peace and so she led her by the hand to a door...and when she walked through - she was 'out'.

She apologized for how she spoke with me...and then started crying. She went through a half box of tissues feeling that 1) she missed all this time of her son growing up (host) as she hadn't seen him for 6-7 years and now he's all grown up... and 2) he had to create these 'monsters' (his 2 non-human protectors) because she wasn't there for him so she failed him adn 3) she's apparently just a 'substitute' for me (a little jealous, a lot hurt...) and 4) she has no body to call her own...she misses her breasts and hair....she's scared about her future. She acknowledges she is 'just a coping technique' as Protector very tactlessly told her she was....but everything feels so real..how is it she can feel so real if she isn't?

She was absolutely devastated.

I told her that she has these emotions, they are hers and they are tangible...so this proves she is real. that she is 'her'....

Somewhere in the back of my head I'm thinking "the T and everyone else wants your son to integrate..should you be telling her or convincing her she is 'real' if she isn't???

But she is.

Am I nuts? Am I going to delay his 'healing' or 'integrating' by validating her fears and telling her I believe in who she is?? Is it wrong that I fear Kerron (2 yr old) disappearing if he really truly accepts I'm his mom and I didn't 'leave' and I'm here now and he stops being scared? I know people can tell me these alters will never be completely gone - because they are parts of my son...

But I just had a 40 minute 'girl-cry' with my "substitute" mom and she has some of my traits down more than I do. I mean, it was so close to how I used to be I half expected her to ask me why I let 'our' body go so much. OMGosh I feel like I'm losing my mind....

How do i validate, comfort, and give these alters what they need when I have NO idea what that is. Do I confirm their suspicions they 'don't really exist' or what do I say when one says "how can i not be ME? where am I? where is MY body? "

I am so sad for their pain, confusion, and despair. i feel totally unprepared/ill equipped to answer their questions.

HopeIsHere wrote:Am I going to delay his 'healing' or 'integrating' by validating her fears and telling her I believe in who she is??

Short answer: no, your validating her won't harm her or your son's system. Validation and acceptance promote healing and, if desired, integration. She is utterly real. She just isn't a woman in her own body: she is an introject of you as you were then. This reality is very shocking and difficult for her to come to terms with. Her own experience of her life has just changed radically and forever. I (we) feel that she is fortunate that you are available to her. You can assure her that yes, she really is a faithful introject of you as you were then. She is a time capsule from your past, created by your son out of love and need. You know her, inside and out.

My Teen Girl had/has issues with my middle aged body too, by the way. I can so relate to all sides of this situation.

Okay, so this is something I feel I need to say.

I'll introduce myself. My name is Namine. Websites would refer to me as a "fictive". Apparently, over here, I am from a video game. Because of this, I'm sure that you can imagine that I have faced lots and lots of people saying that I'm not real, that I'm just a character, that I'm a figment of the hosts imagination, and various other things that basically attempt to discredit the fact-- yes, the fact-- that I exist. I do not accept this. I was here before the host found the game. I was here before the game existed. I am me. I am real. Why I am who I am and how I got here is up for anyone to guess, but nothing will change the very basic fact that I am here and that I exist.

My host accepting me as real, and my demands that I am real, harm no one. I am not just a coping technique. I helped our host cope during a trying time, but I was here from the beginning. I will be here until the end. Our host is no worse for it. Quite the opposite. I am the one that takes away and changes things, makes them easier to bear. Why should I be destroyed or sent away? Why should I be... squished together with our host, when that is not our natural arrangement? I do not deny that the host and I share some sort of soul-bond, but that is why we called what we are soulbonding, a term that has existed for some time, to describe our situation. Still, he is not exactly me and I am not exactly him. We may be parts of each other, but we are not each other. If it is healthy and natural for us to be apart, then why should anyone try and force us to be otherwise?

If the host and the system agree that it would be best to integrate, because that is how they were before or should be, then that is perfectly acceptable. However, I feel when you have system mates who are adamant that they are their own people, that demand that they are real, then it's better to respect that. If they feel they are real, then they are real. If they are striving towards becoming healthy as a group, rather than as one, then their attempts at functionality and health should be encouraged. Not crushed by some stranger, sitting there on the outside, telling them that they Should Be Like Everyone Else. How disappointing it would be to those singletons, if roles were reveresed and we told them that they should be superglued to their best friends because, after all, they Should Be Like Everyone Else Who Is Multiple.

I can't speak for you or anyone else, but I want your son to do what is best for him and his system. If he feels they should integrate, then that is fine and I wish him all the best on his journey. If he feels they should learn to work together, communicate and function as a system, then that is also fine and I still wish him all the best.

Maybe some people don't feel that their system members are real. Maybe some system members are exactly parts of the host, and it's as simple as putting the host back together. But I assure you, as Someone Who Shouldn't Be Real, some of us are real. We're as real as you, or anyone else out there with a body. Just because we don't have a body of our own doesn't invalidate our existence. There is so much more to life, to this world and this thing called reality than any of us can really fathom. And it's okay if people don't believe that, it's not my job to convince anyone of anything, but there is a fundamental truth in "I Think Therefor I Am".

You are not "nuts". You are not harming your son's healing process. If you aren't sure what they want from you, ask. If they don't know what they want from you, then offer your comfort. If they feel they don't exist, ask them why. If they feel they real, don't try and convince them they're not. There's no way you or anyone but the host and his system can know whether or not they are real. For all intents and purposes, they are real, at least right here and right now.

How come they're not them? They are them, but they are sharing a body with another person or other people. Where are they? They are on Earth, 2012, sharing their body with your son. Where is their body? Your son's body is their body, at least for now, and while it is difficult to accept... they need to accept it and learn to work with your son, and the others. It's confusing, and it's sad, but where they are is where they will be for the foreseeable future, and the only thing they can do is learn to cope with that fact.

That includes Mitera. She is hurting, and I think being told she's just a coping mechanism is rather cruel. That isn't useful for anyone. I think that her apologizing to you is progress, and that you telling her that she is real was a brave, wonderful thing for you to do for her. I believe she needs to be encouraged to see the body as her home, and to take care of it when your son cannot, and to work together with your son so that they may all lead happy lives as much as possible. She has a chance to live and be real, in this world, but she has to accept the situation. She has to work with your son and be kind to the body, and to the others, as much as she can. I think that she will get there. I have hope for your son and his entire system. Eventually, the hurt will ease and maybe then they can enjoy life as a group more than they do now.

I am staunchly proud and supportive of you. I think you are doing the right thing, and the courage you are showing in the face of so much chaos and uncertainty is amazing.

Keep your head up.

~ Namine

Hope,

When I first leaned of my others I was devestated - wondering what of my life was real, etc. Internally others were trying to comprehend being the same person. Last week I shared my DID with my mother (a very scary thing to do). I would like to share with you the words I used to try to explain me to her.

When the personality fractured nearly 39 years ago aspects of my personality were in a sense cloned. Also, perceived aspects of others were created. There is one body, one brain, one sub-conscious, one soul. Yet the conscious mind is seperated with individual parts having individual cognition. Each part has had their own personal history seperate from the other parts (personalities). This personal history and experience creates a real and seperate personality. They are all me yet are different because of their individual experiences. "I think therefor I am."

Those within understand "one body, one brain, one sub-conscsious, one soul". This has been the easiest way to comprehend one being with multiplicity.

This personality isn't a clone of you - even as a representitive of you it is only based on your son's sub-conscious perception. Throw in a dose of life experience (internal or external) and you have a totally different consciousness than you could ever be.

Mitera missed so much because your son's system was in need of her being asleep for whatever reason it perceived. It is a shame that she has missed so much but isn't it wonderful that she is awake now and not missing more? It is not her fault that she was not there. She IS no less a real mother to your son just as an adoptive parent is no less a real parent - in her heart she is a mother and you can both appreciate each other's love and devotion of your son.

In regard to the not quite human personalities - when as a child we face scary monsters the best way to protect ourselves is to create even scarier mosters to keep us safe. I created a very beautiful Molly who could make the biggest and baddest of men cringe with fear with her words alone. Your son was far more creative - he made those who looked scary to keep him feeling safe.

One day we will be all integrated and my husband will cry at the loss of the individual selves he has come to love so much, yet he knows they will always be there as a part of me.

Finally, we have been regularly co-present and at times co-conscious. Let week my husband had a huge medical scare with all of us co-present. Jessica, who is very in love with our husband and extremely protective instantly and smoothly integrated. I could feel her as me plus more. She did not remain integrated (my system still relies heavily on her internal presence) and so she was integrated with me for a relatively short time. In explaining her experience she says she was Monique and she was herself... like being her but so much more... she tried to explain that she held her identy but it grew as she became my identy as well. We each felt a huge loss of self for us to split. I haven't shared this experience but thought later in time you might want to read it to Mitera.

I look forward to hearing how all goes with you guys - your son is very blessed to have you and his healing will be far faster because of you. I know that without Brian ( my husband) I would not be near as far along as I am. He is there in each T session and we have daily talks with him working on those things that are needed for our individual healing so that we heal as a whole. Keep your chin up - you are doing an awesome job!

Monique, Molly and Jessica

Thank you Monique, Molly and Jessica - You said: "individual parts having individual cognition. Each part has had their own personal history seperate from the other parts (personalities). This personal history and experience creates a real and seperate personality. They are all me yet are different because of their individual experiences. "I think therefor I am."

This really resonates and confirms this truth I feel. My accepting each alter as their own person is not wrong or detrimental. Thank you for helping me feel stronger in my convictions to stand up for them!

I used the advice others gave me when I was feeling the same as Mitera (that I had missed out on protecting him...and feeling like beating myself up for it) - how all we can do is be the best support as possible for him now. And I joked with her and said "Besides..he hasn't changed much...he still spells like a 3rd grader" to which she laughed because he really is challenged in spelling.

I hope things went well with your mom. I won't press you - but now that a week has gone by - I hope it has been a relief for you to have shared with her.

What a personal thing to share - about the integration and I am just so touched and - well, speechless at the peace and hope your experience has given me...that perhaps when that time comes they will all feel more 'full' and not less of a person (or worse - lost!) Thank you so much for sharing.

--
Namine

What a clear and beautiful voice you have! How you explained how you came to be is very much like how Alex explained it to me. That before my son's brain could even understand identity, he was like a 'thought bubble' without form but still there...it was not until my son was watching a movie/video game that something 'clicked'. Their inside-forms/appearance has symbolism from these bits and pieces that were observed, but it does not make their personalty less distinct..so it makes sense that even if your form came from a video game - there is a reason. the traits and capabilities are things that you shared. But I can't imagine how hurtful it has been to keep hearing that you are less than you are. My son's real name is Ryu. I was inundated with Japanese culture when I had him and it means Dragon. Unbeknownst to me - it was also the main character on a video game - Streetfighter. He gets a lot of trouble for that sometimes. We play with it though - I buy him a figurine of the character on his birthdays. I tell him "Other kids have pencils and bike license plates with their names...but you have your own action figure!" I hope that makes you smile!


I really appreciate hearing your perspective. I have not heard of soul-bonding but admit I have wondered the same thing ... why is this just considered a psychological matter? When his alters tell me they have been here (Before any abuse) then what does this mean? If everyone accepts them and they are happy with their arrangement, I agree - no one should ask and they should not feel they have to try to squish together. In fact, I had written 'back together' and then erased it because what if they weren't 'together' to begin with? I really respect the fact that, as strong as you advocate your own separateness should be respected, you allow that others may really want to merge and you accept that as well.

This is a very loving stance to take! To accept others as they are - even us Singletons - and I laughed at your very honest appraisal of how it would be if someone said I needed to split to fit in. Part of me almost does feel lonely like ...why didn't someone come to me when I needed them? It is a bittersweet emotion and not something I would probably admit to my T. It is odd to feel so natural in this community knowing I am technically on the outside. I feel very welcome though!

Your answers to questions are very forthright - I appreciate knowing I can just tell it how it is and I don't have to try to 'cover' something as if it was wrong. They share a body. Period. They are not alone in this. (My son made his first post today...I hope that when the alters and he see they are not alone...they are not 'freaks' and they can take as much time as they need to explore their identities, their histories, and what they want for the future - it will help them all to feel more safe and at peace.

I can't tell you how valuable your insights have been and how encouraging your words

Perhaps you and Mitera might have a chance to speak. You would be a great comfort to her during the newness and chaos she is feeling.

Thank you!