Internal war for control

Hi all,

I just registered today as my T suggested it. I have been diagnosed with DID and has been in therapy with the same T for 15 years. She is great and literally saved my life more than once. I see her 2x week for 1h30 and I email her whenever I need to share something (writing helps me to calm down). Today she suggested a new rule: Only the Adult (host) is allowed to write to her; the other parts/alters can no longer write directly to her.

I understand what she is trying to achieve - making the Asdult stronger and in tthe control position, but many parts are very angry and upset - They do not want to be filtered through or censored by the Adult. They want to be heard (they have been hidden for so long). The Protector is particulatly angry and I had to leave the session early to avoid getting physical with my T (that part is quite violent).

Many parts feel like they are being shut down, once again. They feel betrayed by T. Anger, pain and suicidal thoughts are invadind my brain it seems. Lots of noise, conflicts, cahos.

I guess my question is: Is my T doing the right thing by implementing this new rule? If so, how do I reconcile the others with T?

Question: You say you understand that she wants to give the Adult more control...is this how she explained it? Can you ask her for more clarification? Does she have a suggestion on how you should explain it to them?

My suggestion (and I have less than 3 months experience - so be gentle! ) is to ask your alters to write their notes with what they would want to tell her - to you (internally or externally) and let them know that you will combine them where they might have the same concerns, that you will put them in 'grown up words', and that you will not leave anything important out...

Give them a tangible example. Kids say things more simply...you can give more detail. That actually might them feel more heard. Example: "I feel bored when I play" after speaking with them for clarification might end up being "(alter) feels like even when she's playing a game she should like, she's not satisfied...she seems a little depressed..." and maybe read your final draft before hitting 'send' so that they are still part of the process...and they see you are not censoring their feelings, thoughts, or words....you are just the composer.

Then, after a 'let's try this once and see what happens', make sure you give them specific feedback about the items they brought up. This will reassure them that the T still wants to hear this...but maybe the T just needs the consistency to keep her own head straight. She is, after all, just a Singleton and this would make it easier for her. (that's just an assumption...but something everyone might understand...) You could put these suggestions past your T first to see her take on it - but those are my thoughts. Good luck!

No. No. Hell no! Your T should never had said this. (Mine wouldn't dream of it & in fact encouraged e-mails from every ) This kind of statement most definitely causes resentment/turmoil/sadness etc in those 'not allowed' to contact T to express their feelings. Are they not important too? Of course they are! Did they not have the most important job of all in your childhood - protecting you? Of course they did! If they are made to feel less important, that is a reminder of more of the same kind of pain they experienced as a child. Un-loved, un-special & abandoned.

Honor your T's request for now, but PLZ stick up for your littles and let their feelings be addressed in this next e-mail to your T, better sooner than later. Express to him/her each & every concern of all your others so that they know that they were heard. They don't need to carry around additional anguish especially from their T...and your T IS their T too.

I hope your T apologizes to each of them.

That's a bit cruel in my opinion. After 15 years of being able to email and be given the freedom to speak and share as they want to, to suddenly being told they can't email anymore unless it is thru someone else?! I think that borders on being retraumatising. Why is she suddenly crippling them so they can't speak for themselves? Did she explain herself? You are a lot further in your therapy than I am - not even a year in - so maybe this is a good thing I just can't see it right now. Sorry you are left with an upset system and unanswered questions.

B

This is what I mean about my naivete. Thank you to those who overlooked my post if it came off insensitive... you allow me (gently) to grow in understanding and tact! I was not thinking from DID perspective...but just wondering why T might suggest this. Sometimes I work with a group of kids and when the parents come, everyone is excited and talking at once and all the parents have these confused looks...So...I quiet everyone down and 'sum up' whatever was so 'exciting'. I don't believe by doing this - I have disrespected their identities as people or their rights...because after that - each child(ren) gets to go with their parent(s) and talk more in detail.

Coming from that kind of background, my first assumption was not that the T means to disregard anyone...but I immediately thought if my son's Littles had an open invitation to write emails...well, that would be pretty fun and they might write about llamas, spaghettios, and what the cat did today. Perhaps, since she is still a T (Professional vs family) she is only trying to regulate the frequency or type of emails she receives. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she would still be talking to, listening to the Littles/alters during session...I hope by sharing this perspective - it might show where my head was when I answered, and maybe give an alternative answer to the 'why' might a T suggest this...

But I really don't have all the facts and realize that my 'advice' was based on assumptions! Thanks again for allowing me to stumble through at times! Moustik - this is a Great example of the support on this board and I apologize to you if my post did come off that I was not hearing the concern you had that everyone was feeling shut down or pushed aside!

moustik wrote:I just registered today as my T suggested it.

My mind boggles. So many posters are introducing themselves like this. Do you all realize how unusual it is for a therapist to encourage a client to join an online support group? In any case: Welcome!

moustik wrote:Today she suggested a new rule: Only the Adult (host) is allowed to write to her; the other parts/alters can no longer write directly to her.

Given the extreme reaction in your system to this suggestion, this is a good topic for further discussion! I can see so many interesting angles, so many reasons why your therapist might suggest this. Most are good reasons; only a few are bad. I have no idea what the therapist's reasons are, though, and at this point neither do you, until you ask questions and explore the topic with her.

Was this suggestion offered in the same session as the suggestion to come here? Perhaps your therapist would like for your insiders to experience writing to other people, not just to her. This might actually involve you (the host) exerting less control rather than more.

First... find out exactly why she is making this new rule. Have her explain it to you, and to everyone else in your system if need be.

Then... "release the kraken" if her answer is unsatisfactory and/or ridiculous. If she has a good reason, that's one thing, even if it's misguided. But if she has some crap reason, you all have the right to be angry and hurt. And she should KNOW that she messed up. Both by all of you letting her know exactly how you feel (in as mature a way as possible), and by finding a new therapist if her reasoning is spectacularly terrible

But first thing first. It's not good to get prematurely angry.