Desperateley seeking for help!!!! (triggers)

salted lipstick wrote:

Adameil wrote:I was in control the whole time the abuse happened! T_T We weren't abused...we allowed it because we were in control! We were IN CONTROL!

I feel really sad to hear you say this... I would have a guess that you were stuck in between a rock and a hard place. That they may have made you feel you had a choice to be abused when really you actually only had a choice two abusive alternatives that they were imposing on you. It WAS abuse if you only had the option between one type of abuse or another and although it made you feel you were in control of allowing and responsible, you weren't. You didn't choose the abuse and you have every right to say you were abused.

Adameil wrote:I don't want to be dependant of anything! Not food, not water, not sleep, not company...it gives me so much power to be in CONTROL all the time. And when I can control even my own DEATH, it gives me ultimate power...

It isn't independence to deprive your body of it's needs for living. You deserve to be in control in a healthy way. A way that acknowledges your needs and wants. This is the ultimate control. To give yourself what you need and to be kind to yourself in the way that you deserve. You are safe from them now I hope. You have the ability to choose for yourself what you want for your life. You have the power to treat yourself well and to look after yourself. Use that power to live the best life that you can live, that is the ultimate control.

Hi Salted lipstick! Finally I feel good enough to reply...things have been "out of control" lately.

I've been doing some "research" with the issues my parts wrote earlier regarding the "being in control"... It's really inexclipable how our abusers made us believe their lies and how they twisted THE TRUTH the way they wanted! So yes - even though some parts and even me have always thought that we were above their influence and immune to programming - it did happen. We WERE programmed, our minds were altered to believe what they wanted us to believe etc. etc. It took me good amount of time to finally accept that it did happen - month or so? It just destroyed the earlier believes we had about ourselves...that we were always in control, invincible to the damage we endured and that we had freedom when in fact, we didn't!

Denial is a h*ck of a defense mechanism, I just say! We used it because it worked...it gave us strength to carry on the fight and endure all that h**lish pain... We just couldn't bare to carry the thought of not being in control over our mind and body. It could've killed us if we would've thinked otherwise. Being able to control our physical and mental pain, controlling our hunger and sleep gave us ultimate power - the power we desperately needed to survive...to carry on. And of course, amnesia! Being able to forget what happened yesterday and 5 minutes ago, was more than necessary for us to keep our minds up and working instead of crashing down and killing ourselves...

It's just mind-boggling how terrible things narcissistic people can do to you...how they can DESTROY your very soul, your freedom of thoughts, your TRUST OVER YOURSELF, over your OWN FEELINGS...! I'm really trying to put the pieces together and realize...how badly we've been hurt.

Accepting the fact that we weren't in control, that we were hurt in unimaginable ways, that we were not invincible and not OKAY for the first years of our lives, has taken TONS of work!

It's okay, to not to be okay... That's what we've been trying to learn. Some parts have harder times than others. Overall these times have been terrible. Our narcissistic parents have tried to contact us multiple times and I'm on the verge of calling the police and putting up a restraining order. I can barely breathe freely, I can't rest and my stress levels have gone through the ROOF! I can deal with this b***it only for so long...and then I KNOW that I WILL get sick. That I can't do it anymore. Not alone!

I just need more people between us and our parents. To have a shield between them and us - that we never had in our past. It was just us and them...face to face...in a dirty and bloody battle.

Okay, this is becoming a novel so I'll stop here!

-- Sun Jun 03, 2012 4:59 pm --

salted lipstick wrote:

Adameil wrote:
See? Someone needs his Ritalin... What an *ss.

I think you should try to be polite and considerate of others in the system. They all have something valuable to say and it is important to listen to and to try and understand their perspective. Listening will help you to improve your life as well as theirs...

Hi Salted lipstick! Again.

I fully agree with this! Those two parts just had very bad relationship to start with - things are being taken care of.

And thank yous in regards of him for guiding him in the right direction.