don't know why... trigger warning.

*trigger warning for the whole thing*

I don't understand why my SO cares about me. I don't understand why he thinks that I'm valuable, or beautiful, or intelligent, or anything. I have nothing to offer him.

^ That right there.
That's what I'm feeling. but I KNOW it is a product of my abusers words. I know it is, yet I can't get past it.
v that is what I'm thinking.

If I say no to sexual advances, I'm worthless.
My value comes from sexually pleasing others.
Any partner of mine is going to 'suffer'. I'm going to make their life miserable.
No one will ever love you like he did.
He only hurt you because he had a right to.
He had to teach you the right way to live.
Anything you say is worthless and unvaluable.


I said no to my SO. I didn't feel like participating in any sort of sexual activity tonight. I told him that, cause I was feeling down and switchy... He said okay and moved on. He didn't act anything but the gentleman.

But yet I still feel disgusting. I feel like he should punish me. I feel like he is going to start hating me if I start saying no. I've never outright said no to him before. After months. I'm REALLY GOOD at saying no without saying no. Makes me feel less horrid. But I said 'no' tonight and I'm terrified. I feel like 'how could he possibly love me if I stop giving him my body whenever he wants'?

He didn't even do anything triggering for me. it's all on my own. I HATE myself for saying no. and it hurts so much...

Will be triggering too. *****

The fact you said no is an inspiration to me. When it comes to sexual stuff I freeze. I simply can't say no. Something I have to work On big time.

To have someone finally care enough to not get grumpy over no sexual contact, someone to love you even when you don't 'perform' is a hard thing to swallow. You are more than just this sexual stuff and it is that your SO acts the gentleman for. I know it will take some time of beating down those old engrained thoughts but you will get there. So often I have discussed this with my partner and although it doesn't take it away when he repeatedly says he loves me , not what I do in the bedroom, it reassures
me that he isn't feeling the same way about me as I am. It makes me think outside my box for a bit.

Hope you feel better soon

B

Thank you bourbon... your response made me feel a little better. I am really lucky to have him.

It's so, SO hard to move past all the... ideas and habits and things you had to do in the past. They are old, and we don't need them anymore, but it is still really hard.

first I am real sorry for what you are going thru

I think you are really suffering from the programming your abusers have done to you, it takes time but eventually you can break the programming.
The kind of activities you are talking about should be shared between the 2 of you, both your SO and YOU, if it was jus for your SO that would not be much different than what your abusers did. I am glad your SO seems to be good and realizes this, I applaud him/her When you learn that in real Love it is a 2 way street, each showing affection for the other and neither doing it jus for themself you should be on the way to healing.

I wish you all the best,
Becky

senselesssacrifice, you are much further along than you may think. You can delineate exactly what you are thinking and feeling, and you also know it's not logical in the present and is directly attributable to the abuse. You just exercised free will -- quite reasonably -- and you will learn shortly that the world has not ended. You'll begin making additional decisions like this and over time they will become less and less painful and come more and more naturally.

This can happen for your alters as well. Little John never expressed a desire for anything, his way to survive was "don't need anything" to avoid triggering the mother to violence. It was an effective strategy. Last year, he went into meltdown in a toy store because the twins had made their decisions about what they wanted but when we wanted buy him the dragon he clearly was drawn to, he panicked. We had to wait a few weeks, then buy it without focusing on it. Over the last six months, he's taken many tiny steps towards normal self-expression. I noted that today he picked up the dragon, giggled and said (inside because he still doesn't talk a lot), this is mine! I think it's a good idea to acknowledge milestones like you and Little John just had, because healing seems to be built on these moments. Even though you were hurting, I think your posting did just that.

Thank you, Johnny-Jack.

I really think I need to get myself back in therapy. I'm getting more and more unable to handle everything. It's just that the only real options for therapy are in the city over, and with a full time job and no car I don't think I'll have enough time or the ability to go. :/

I really, really like the books by Byron Katie, and especially the audiobook version of I Need Your Love. Is That True? All her books get directly at the problem of hurtful false thoughts such as these, and help you examine your thoughts and let them go. Best of all, her books help you find new thoughts that are much more true. Such as I am valuable. My sexuality is my own. It is a gift that I can share as I like, and only as I like.

I should look into those, Una+. They sound interesting, and any support (even if just a book) is good!