empowering the alters

Some authors and therapists have specifically recommended empowering the host and working primarily if not exclusively with the host. That 'therapeutic' approach to DID seemed preposterous and damaging for my system. I've felt instinctively the alters must be empowered and the host (me) disempowered. We don't seem to have anyone who fits the description of fragment. I'm too strong and have been in the body too long, have too much control and influence even when I don't want it. Plus I sustained too much fundamental damage myself.

My new T, a specialist treating DID, agrees but prefers to say I need the active help and participation of the alters. She's implied that I'm exhausted trying to hold things together with limited resources. With my own triggers and limited abilities, I am. The discussion came out of me saying we waste most of our free time and don't have any real hobbies or social activities now, though the alters don't like our life. My influence seems to dampen everyone's drive but it's also partly that the DID got under control so long ago, the alters have never had enough recent time out, not the freedom to figure out what they really want to do then pursue that.

Our approach now is each of the alters coming to therapy and participating. This feels quite different because although we've talked a lot with each other, few of them have been in the position, and certainly not for lengthy period of time, of dealing directly with others for decades. We've talked with Quato, he's been out, but it's different when he is conversing with a trained professional, not us, having to explain things in real time. He feels exactly like a unique person I haven't quite gotten to know yet. In order to avoid my influence, we've decided to allow whoever gets a session be out front for an hour or so in the body, to really experience owning the body rather than us switching in and out randomly. I think they can present stronger, more themselves as Quato's "debut" indicated.

So many necessary traits seem locked up in the alters. No alter wants to cause the system trouble. We're all parts of the same person and it seems like we each need to figure our what we ourselves want before anything's going to change. Now we have to figure out who visits next. Then we have to keep focusing on what each of us want so eventually we'll figure out what we want as a collective.

Interesting note. Any alter can undergo EMDR and process things themselves though they'll have their own responses to it.

Johnny, I can relate so much to this. Especially when you say you are too strong Nd have been in the body too long. For me too it has been about learning to give the insiders time and not trying to
Hog it all anymore. Even when I feel my resources are depleted and I feel I want to
Give up it still takes lots of effort to fully let go and let someone else take over.

Empowering the alters. For sure. Love that.

This seemed more informative than asking for advice - and I appreciate all you have said. I am totally on board that the alters need to have time out and wanted to encourage you. My son has actually come to have some relief when we have started the same process. He doesn't have to 'toughen' it out by himself. He goes inside to the house to play with the Little Ones while one of the two protectors comes out to talk about the more difficult things.

Sometimes he chooses to listen in. Most times he doesn't. Who I know as my son - still wants to avoid a lot of the feelings and memories. So the stronger ones come out to talk. This is helpful too, because, well, Alex (Protector) for one - doesn't care if he hurts (my) feelings so he can say things my son might hold back. I've asked if I shouldn't be present so often to give them more freedom, but he says I am the anchor. My son feels comfortable with my presence, and I have a way of paraphrasing what Alex says if the T doesn't seem to be following correctly.

One thing you mentioned though is how they all want to be careful....one of the Littles said she had a secret but mustn't tell or (other Protector) would be angry. So...I told her that she should probably either get his permission or allow him to tell the secret when he was ready. Talking about this (what is ok for whom to say to whom) before hand might help. My T is very careful not to 'hear' something she shouldn't. She makes sure to respect the others it might affect. Also, she is not so concerned with the trauma memory itself right now - but just allowing them to talk about what is on their mind. What are their concerns for the system, how would they like to proceed? Alex is like the gatekeeper. He knows 80% of everything I think and yet helps keep pace that is not too disruptive to the system. He is so valuable....each one is so unique and special. Their 'job', their demeanor, their knowledge/memory, their ability to warn through action or words that things are triggering, etc.

My son felt maybe he would lose himself if he kept letting everyone else 'out', but I think he has solved this by getting to know his alters more deeply himself by talking or playing with one or two when someone else is out. He's working on creating a 'yard' for them to go around the internal house. He comes back out feeling good. Since most of the others wait for the T session or in the evening when I'm home from work - it hasn't been too much like losing himself... I don't think you relinquishing some of your 'out' time diminishes you at all. Just my thoughts! Take care!

Well said, and so true. Something I really need to work on.

HopeIsHere wrote:My son felt maybe he would lose himself if he kept letting everyone else 'out', but I think he has solved this by getting to know his alters more deeply himself

Oh wow. I had totally forgotten that this used to be a major, major fear for me. I remember crying in my husband's arms, telling him how I might become trapped in the void inside, or go into stasis and suddenly wake up to find I have lost weeks, months, years, decades of my life. I have experienced both the void and stasis before and I don't ever want to go there again. The good news is that since I became aware of my DID I have faced many stressful events without either fear being realized. So I think it is going to be okay. And my husband and therapist are aware, so if I do disappear they will be there to help my alters bring me back.