stupid stupid girl

Everything is going wrong lately. Everything. I can't keep my hurt to myself, and it makes people get frustrated with me. I have to open my mouth and talk cause I'm so damn dependent and can't keep my feelings to myself.So ######6 stupid. It's not fair. Why do I have to need people so bad when people obviously don't need me? I could dissapear off the face of the earth and it would do more good than bad. I wouldn't be using up any precious natural resources at least. And it's not like anyone is going to care.

I just wish that I could CONTROL myself!! WHY DO I NEED TO RUN TO PEOPLE FOR COMFORT? I'm so ######6 stupid and needy. I don't know why anyone talks to me at all. They don't care, so why do they even bother? ###$

Everything inside hurts like someone is twisting us in a clenched fist. My head has been hurting for days and everything is fuzzing on and off so bad I can't walk sometimes. I want to cut or hit or bite myself but at the very least I have some semblance of self control in that regard. But is it really so unfair that I want to talk to someone about it? I listen to them and offer comfort but when I come to them they just sit and listen to me cry as if I'm just a background noise.

What did I do to deserve all this? My whole life is one hurt after another and things were getting better and better for the first time. But NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.

I want to dissapear. I want to ######6 dissapear.

Everything is going wrong lately.[/quote]

It does that sometimes. We've all been there. It's your turn, that's all...next week might be my turn & I'll need you to help me stand back up.

senselesssacrifice wrote: I could dissapear off the face of the earth and it would do more good than bad. I wouldn't be using up any precious natural resources at least. And it's not like anyone is going to care.

[quote="senselesssacrifice"]

I care. I really do. I do wish I had some magic words to take that frown off your face & find your smile again but all I can do is just let you know that I understand. It seems normal & expected that anyone who had been deprived of their needs would most definitely be "needy" until those needs are met. Stupidy, however, well I'm going to let you get away with that one. That's just another form of self-abuse & you don't deserve that.

Please try & think about all the other things that you are besides needy in the MOMENT. You are so much more than that. I would encourage you to make a list of your positive traits & read it aloud in front of a mirror. Please post it as well. I bet it would be helpful to a lot of us.

I hope this helps...Sotrsab

You DO deserve to be happy. You DO deserve to be loved. And you are NOT stupid for wanting and seeking those things. That is normal to want those things.

Maybe you just haven't found the right people to support you yet. It doesn't mean you are not worthy of that support and love, you are.

I think it is a positive thing that you could vent some of your feelings about this here... Was there anything in particular that happened that caused these feelings to surface so strongly lately?

senselesssacrifice wrote:WHY DO I NEED TO RUN TO PEOPLE FOR COMFORT? I'm so ######6 stupid and needy.

Biologically, we are tuned that way. We are social creatures, us humans, who need social contact, especially during the rough times. It is as innate as eating and drinking to thrive.

I find it hard being that person who needs something from someone: comfort or support or whatever it is. So I just keep telling myself this isn't a luxurious wish - to be supported, comforted, held, it is a basic need.

I'm sorry you don't feel people are really there though, and just sit and listen to you cry like you are background noise. I think sometimes it is hard for people to know what to say if what you are dealing with is something outside of their comfort zone for example.

But you have people here who can understand and can give you some support as and when you need.

Thank you so much guys for the support. I'm feeling a little better now, but there are still some residual feelings.

I'm not sure why I snapped so bad... I've been so switchy and having panic attacks all over the place, so that was definitely a factor...

I was talking to a close friend last night and started ranting... and they just seemed totally... blank. We skyped and everything, and I literally was crying and they just... did nothing. I don't know... it hit way too hard. They were having a rough day of their own, and I know I can't always expect people to be right there for me...

I don't know. I'm just way too stressed for life right now.

I think some people can get overwhelmed with other peoples emotional out pours. That left you in a bit of a uncomfortable place but at least you can see this person was having a rough day and it wasn't personal to you.

I hope life stops being so stressful for you soon.

Yeah, me too. I'm sort of at a loss to figure out what's going on inside lately. I'm getting less and less control over my switches and it's freaking me out... I think that is probably the core of my stress right now.

Anyone have any tips? ><

Hi Senselesssacrifice.

Your post sounds so familiar to what we've been through the last two weeks! Almost identical!

I'm not sure if this helps but I start to switch rapidly and get plenty of panic attacks when a part of mine is trying to share a very painful memories with me. The more painful they are, the worse I feel and it can get really overwhelming! =/ Multiple switches are (in our system!) usually sign of the host (or the part in control) not being able to deal with the stress and switches are needed to keep the body/mind working. Multiple parts take pieces of the stress and share the burden so that we can carry on...

One of my part's made post about these feelings just few minutes ago (Unheard voice)...it has some answers to why I have been feeling so worthless lately. =/ Our abusers made us feel so worthless and basically - (trigger!) - asked us to go and kill ourselves...to disappear from this world. - (trigger end!) - It could be that your feelings are actually "planted" into your head rather than them being your own. Abusers know what strings to pull so that their victims start to blame themselves of everything.

And I 100% agree with Sotrsab, Salted lipstick and Bourbon! Being loved and having other people to comfort us is the basic need. Still trying to learn that...that it's basic need and not being needy in a bad way. We deserve love and company of our kind.

Adameil wrote:I'm not sure if this helps but I start to switch rapidly and get plenty of panic attacks when a part of mine is trying to share a very painful memories with me. The more painful they are, the worse I feel and it can get really overwhelming! =/ Multiple switches are (in our system!) usually sign of the host (or the part in control) not being able to deal with the stress and switches are needed to keep the body/mind working. Multiple parts take pieces of the stress and share the burden so that we can carry on...

That makes a whole lot of sense. A very traumatized part that has been missing for years just resurfaced, and although I can't seem to find her I imagine she isn't just gone again. I'm hoping that she will find and write in our collective journal, as it will help us to understand what is going on with her so we can help her.

She has through history been the type to stand tall and calmly until the final straw. Then she completely snaps. I'm not sure if she being back is a good or a bad thing, but she definitely has some rough memories... I just don't really know how I would be able to handle getting them back.

Senselesssacrifice, I'm delighted you feel better!

We all have our rough moments. I am so thankful that we have this forum so that we can seek & get help when we need it and also give help when we are able, lifting our own spirits as we lift the spirits of others in need.

Adameil wrote:I'm not sure if this helps but I start to switch rapidly and get plenty of panic attacks when a part of mine is trying to share a very painful memories with me. The more painful they are, the worse I feel and it can get really overwhelming! =/ Multiple switches are (in our system!) usually sign of the host (or the part in control) not being able to deal with the stress and switches are needed to keep the body/mind working. Multiple parts take pieces of the stress and share the burden so that we can carry on...

WOW! Thank you, Adameil. This is so well defined. Very helpful to me, especially the last sentence. I don't feel so 'weird' now.

Hope everyone has a good day...plz remember to keep Tracy in out hearts/thoughts/prayers...she needs us today.