Little distraught over the body...

I don't now what I am looking for here, but I know many of you have experienced the same. I guess I'm just sharing her experience somewhere to acknowledge her pain, rather than bury or invalidate it.

My parts finally just started coming all the way out (me gone or more often just pushed way back) in sessions these last couple of months. Embarrassingly, the littles who have come out, so far, basically just hide in T's arms. They had rarely looked around the room, sometimes causing physical injury when they would want to hide in a corner and ended up smacking into a coffee table. There is a huge fear of seeing and being seen. A couple of them have come to the point where they really do want to see T and to be seen by him. LY tried to today and could only just barely glance out of the corner of her eyes. She kept her eyes open most of the time and didn't hide in T the whole session.

What she did observe, however, was just the wrongness of the body. The shoes are too big, and weird. The hands are too big. I used to have a problem with the hands before, even when she was deeper inside (the body would feel too big in therapy and I'd have to bring a giant stuffed animal for her to feel "right"). When T has been hugging her while she has been further out, she hasn't looked until now, except maybe at his arm or something. She kind of just composed an image of what it would look like for someone like T (she has a general sense of how he looks from me and others who can make sporadic eye contact) to hug someone who looks like she does (internally). Now, she is realizing more concretely how many things are wrong and how he is not really seeing "her" when he interacts. He almost always treats her like a kid and only a couple of times has slipped up and said something like, "When you were little," about a memory. I think he has the ability to look at us and really see the other parts inside, even very little ones. When she told him she was upset, he reassured her that she is perfect the way she is, but she hates "not matching."

The other thing is, we found a cassette from around her age and listened to it, heard our actual voice. My sense of disconnection and embarrassment at some of things on her have really made her feel, you know, how very long ago that was? All of a sudden, she is realizing, she had friends and toys that she loved that she'll never see again, family members who are dead (one was on the tape and although that one hurt another part, it was LY's "best" person), activities she liked to do that she could only now do alone or with T, because we will look ridiculous or draw attention to ourself otherwise. She kept saying it's not fair. And it really isn't. And I don't know how to make her feel better about it. I want to let her do things that make her happy, but they all feel so "wrong" to her in this body that they cause more distress and anxiety than happiness. I'm feeling pretty helpless about it. She is usually the most positive, courageous part of us. It's like a lethargy of the soul to have her feel so distraught and resigned.

It sounds like you are really being loving to her to talk about this! That validation must feel good; to know that you would do what you could to help her not to feel uncomfortable and that matters! I posted a suggestion for Littles with body confusion - actually - your suggestion about the oversized stuffed animal was on my list.

I hadn't thought about memories with songs or tv shows or whatnot...my son's Littles are still just now at that stage where they aren't just holding on/snuggling, but actually looking around and noticing. The Protector alter suggested to the Little ones that when they come out, it is like putting on a costume, to remember they are still who they are inside...but this is just a costume...someone else suggested that we remind them how special they are to be able to use this grown-up body which can do some things they couldn't...

I don't know what the right answer is. I am torn about whether I should look for a toy on ebay that he used to have to see if it would help him feel more at home...versus asking my son, the host, if there is a way he can add this lost toy to their inner home....so the Little boy can play with it there.

Also...our T seems to focus a lot on the 'new rules'. Like "then...you couldn't have a nightlight. Now...you can if you want" or "Then...you could only (fill in the blank) when you were feeling (a certain emotion...now, when you are feeling that emotion, we can (fill in the blank) ..." or this type of thing of then vs now. So maybe you could help her to find some joy in some 'now' things. I'm not sure what that looks like for different people.

For us, it is about the (6-8 yr old girl) wanting to focus on learning how to read, so not something about the past... Her interest in being a Mama is something she can still play with - I let her play with my daughter's doll. She still notices her hands/differences...but the idea of a 'costume' seems to work for her sometimes.

I am so glad you have a T that is allowing everyone to come out as they feel ready and sounds like they are able to give you and your Littles the compassion and patience they need to feel safe. I'm sorry for the loss LY is feeling...you say she is positive - maybe if you offer her other things to focus on - what is good about being here now...maybe her very nature will help boost her out of this sadness... Take care!

HopeIsHere - Thanks for the encouragement. I know her pain will pass in time. I think, in the end, we've been so scared that our time with T will run out, either because of retirement or insurance or just him getting sick of us not moving fast enough (completely not how he is at all, as he says to trust God and things will happen in time without us pushing), that we have been trying to move really fast. Even with looking at him, she's afraid if she doesn't do it soon, there is some sort of expiration date. The solution, I think, is to really slow down and just tell her to do whatever feels good and safe right now and not worry about trying too hard with stuff that is scary. I think, with the hugs and stuff, I've been unconsciously pushing her and others to "grow out of" them, because it makes me uncomfortable. I think we need to get to the point where the kids can come in and trust they are wanted there, trust that when he does something (like give a hug or change the lighting) to meet their needs, it's not a horrible burden. They need to feel liked/loved, and then feel like it's OK for them to receive that. I never imagined it would take so long. But, I think it is back to phase one to build safety in the relationship again. Just because I can objectively trust him doesn't mean they don't still feel scared of being hurt a lot.

You sound so in tune with both their needs and your own perceptions! I bet you are a great help with your T being able to vocalize how everyone is feeling...and honestly - to be able to, yourself, realize that intellectually understanding doesn't change your feelings/instincts - is so wise!

I really admire your ability to recognize your own feelings (uncomfortable) but also that you are able to validate and allow their needs to be met too. My son's alters are very 'snuggly'. With him being almost a man now - even taller than me - it has felt a little awkward at times...but I understand that it is these Little Ones who need the hugs and reassurance...I don't know if they feel you are their "Mama" in a way?? (His Littles call him Daddy) but I see you being nurturing to them to let them have what they need for reassurance... you said "they need to feel loved..and be able to receive that."

How about you? Do you accept that the T cares about you sincerely? Are you able to allow yourself to receive it or do you think that is why you might feel like you need to 'rush' through this part..to show that yes, yes...it's good to be loved...but see that I am able to stand on my own? Just a thought because the grown-ups...the strong ones..sometimes seem to neglect their own needs or were raised not to show public displays of affection and so it is just (well, hard...) to give in to it. I think sometimes I ask too many questions...just know that I like to 'think out loud' sometimes and not that I am trying to pry or make anyone uncomfortable...

I wonder if the T can help with the anxiety with what to do if something in the current dynamics change (a Plan B of sorts) Maybe it will not happen (what you mentioned about retirement, insurance, etc) but having a back up plan might make you feel like you have a little more solid ground. It makes perfect sense that you would think of these things and want to be prepared. Take care - and thank you for your response!