I am NOT becoming my mother!

We just had an hour long fight with our son to get him to eat. He won't swallow his food. He just shoves as much as he can into his mouth and hides it. (He's three.)

We had to stand him in the corner, telling him to swallow his food. It took over an hour to get him to eat.

I did the same thing when I was little, and I can feel my Littles crying out because we're "being mean" just like my mom (who used to beat us for doing it). They remember, quite vividly, being beaten over it.

I'm not turning into my mother. I am just disiplining my child. We didn't hurt him like she hurt us, and that's what I'm trying to explain to my Littles.

I feel like such a bad parent, but he will go HOURS without swallowing his food. It's a real problem that needs addressed. I feel a little guilty because he fought us SO HARD but I'm telling myself that he was just testing his limits.

I just feel out-of-it right now. The Littles are upset with me and want to go play with him, for me to cuddle him and swear I'll never do it again. It's going to happen again, the next time we eat. And it will continue to happen until my son realizes that he needs to eat his food.

Every meal is a struggle with him. Breakfast is darn near impossible.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get the play out of dinner or to make a toddler swallow his food, let me know. If anyone has any suggestions as to how to explain to the Littles that I'm being a good parent, not a bad one.....I feel terribly guilty right now, and the whole fiasco just tore me to peices.

Did the approach you're using work when you were a child? For what was similar, how did it make you feel? Does it seem to be solving the issue or upsetting/frightening your child? If it's the latter, it doesn't seem wise to me, though admittedly I'm not a parent.

It's possible there are physical reasons for this. Do you know why you did this when you were young? Have you researched dysphagia online? Teeth or throat problems could be involved. Even if it's psychological, you might have inadvertently had something to do with it, by overreacting at some point to his not swallowing.

Have you tried alternatives like liquifying his food? If he will accept liquified food (baby food, if necessary), that at least suggests that it could be physiological.

I would consult a pediatrician about this. I wouldn't assume it's just stubbornness. Even if it is something psychological, a pediatrician or child psychologist might have an approach that works fairly quickly without punishment.

Lastly, most of us will eventually do things around small children that remind us of our parents. The difference is, how will the child react? I know that collectively I was terrified of my parents up until about age 10.

As the mother of a 7 year old, I would second the idea to talk with your pediatrician. Around 2 1/2 or 3, kids tend to go through dietary collapse and meal time can become a nightmare. Add on top of it the toddler need to work on individuation from the parent and control of their bodily functions, and it all can easily become a power struggle. One of the things that the pediatrician can offer you is an understanding of just what it is that a toddler minimally needs in order to remain healthy. I remember that they can do just fine on a startlingly restricted diet for extended periods of time, but I don't remember exactly what the minimal requirements consisted of.

And no, you are not your mother! You are concerned about the dynamics that are playing out with your son and questioning whether what you are doing is best for your son. That sounds to me like it is a huge step forward from your mother. As Johnny-Jack said, we all tend to do the things that our parents did- after all that was the modeling that we had for parenting. Hopefully we catch ourselves, figure out something else that we are happier with, and substitute that instead.

no matter what your son's issue is, you are NOT becoming your mother. Some "mothering" activities triggers me as well, into thinking i am like her, but I am not, and you are not either.

For your son, I agree with Johnny-Jack it is important to distinguish stubborness from other potential reasons (my son was in a feeding program for a while (but much younger) and had some medical issue but he is also stubborn, and he has a genuinely strong gag reflex, which is easily triggered by textures, especially overchewed food!!).

The question I have is does he do this with all food? Or foods with certain textures, or tastes, or in certain situations, ie only sitting at the table with you staring at him eating?

Some things that we have focused on is counting 10 bites then swallowing right away (or however many bites seem reasonable for the type of food). Upon the storing of food in the cheek, or gaging on the overchewed food, saying take a sip of milk/water and wash it down. When they go to put more in their mouth before swallowing we say oh wait it is too much, "chew and swallow and then you can have more". But in a very light way, never blaming for the difficulty eating.

If you have anxiety leading up to a meal, then certainly he does. Try to down play it a bit. Let him start eating while you are still preparing in the kitchen to take the spot light off of him. Ask him if he needs anything else? Maybe he wants ketchup or some water? Also my kids "naturally" ate less around this age, so the advice that was given to us is that let them "manage" how much their intake is to a certain degree (ie they don't have to finish a predetermined amount of food set by you) but you say "one last bite" so in a way you are still in charge of the completion of a meal. If they are hungry they will generally eat (and if they don't then the pediatrician can help you ). HE is old enough now to understand "no more food for the rest of the night, this is all you get so if you don't eat now, you can't eat again until........lunch, dinner, tomorrow, whenever the next planned meal is". And sometimes kids regress a bit at this age, and go back to needing to be spoon fed. It is ok, if it is just for a while.

Finally to your littles, you only want what is best for your child and there is nothing more satisfying to a parent then to see them eat (I am sure there is a evolutionary reason for this). And we fear their well-being when they don't eat. But no child likes to be forced to do anything. Ask your littles to help you find way to make your son feel more in control of the situation, while at the same time making sure he is well-nourished. Sometimes choosing the food from a serving dish can help the chd feel like they are choosing to eat.

Hang in there, i have been there and you are crossing a difficult time. I can only say that it does get better, I promise!!

Sam

I have two kids with a sensory integration disorder, so I can relate to the food struggles. I would also consider an hour of struggle to be excessive. Kids do test boundaries, and vie for some independence which is commonly done at the dinner table for a preferred method of battleground. However, at times it is more than a simple power struggle. Problems with food/oral issues are common with highly sensitive kids.

First questions to ask yourself are...
Does either you or your SO have sensory issues? like eating particular foods, textures, brushing teeth, etc.?
Is there a pattern to your child's struggles? Texture, color, flavor.
Brushing teeth problems?
On, and on.....

I've found when you have sensory issues, even with organic causes, such as the vestibular problems in my daughter, most pediatricians are clueless.

There are sensory therapists as well as books on the subject that have invaluable tips on getting them to eat, about handling the struggles and such.

My son is diagnosed with Aspergers...like autism. He is VERY against certain textures.... also found out my daughter is allergic to wheat so that when she did eat...there weren't any hives or any real big tell-tale signs, but apparently, it really bothered her stomach/intestines making her achy. I think she must have known this and why we had such a hard time with certain foods. I agree with the general consensus to see if there is something else going on.

If not, i know I had a hard time with a kid of mine 'staying close' when we went shopping. I told her if she could not stay by the cart, she would have to sit in it. I put her in the cart and asked her to be my 'helper' I handed her things and she put them in the cart. I told her if she stands up or throws things out of the cart, she would have to sit in the seat with the seatbelt on. She learned pretty quickly that she had a choice and consequences if she did not make the right one. I did have to just leave the store a couple times. I had to sit in the car with her until she stopped making a scene. At which point, we went in to finish. I was so frustrated and embarrassed, but honestly, it only took twice - two LONG days for me and we had good shopping experiences from then on.

That's my long-winded suggestion for 'can you find a way to involve him in the process?' he can have 3 beans or 5 beans. He can choose to eat his (whatever) first or (the other thing) first... and praise him for whatever he chooses. You can ask him to demonstrate to someone else how to chew and swallow...sometimes having them 'teach' someone else helps.... do your Littles have any suggestions on what they wish you would do instead? maybe they have an idea...or do you remember at all - if only your mom would have done this...it would have changed things...?

Hang in there and good luck!!!