Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I have been working to find ways to get my kids to come to me while trying to process the memories of the abuse, rather than my being swallowed up into flashbacks. During our last session, my therapist told me that she was concerned that my collapsing into a ball was actually facilitating my going more deeply into the memories than might be best for me and she wanted for me to try to remain sitting up. I suspect that she is right, so I was very willing to give it a try. We basically ended up propping me up with pillows, because I kept on starting to curl up into that position, without even realizing it.

And it did work, it allowed me to stay in a place where I was at the surface. I was trying to work with one of my kids who holds a particular type of memory, and I could feel myself go all fuzzy with being in contact with her, and then I would go all clear and just be me, and then go fuzzy again. Then suddenly it was liked I slipped between layers of fuzziness and was very clear, but I wasn't just me. Or maybe it was that I wasn't in the place that I normally am. But, when I was in that state, I was so much more effective at working with this child than I have ever been before. It was like she could really hear me, not just sort of hear me and I was completely hooked into her. When I started to get drawn into her memories, my T reminded me to stay in the here and now, that we know exactly what the memories hold and I don't need to get swallowed into them in order to believe what my child is telling us. I eventually was able to explain to her that my child is confused about whether or not she is the memory, which is something that I have been aware of for awhile, but haven't been able to make any inroads on convincing my child that she isn't the memory. However, being in this strange state, I was finally able to get my child to start to understand and morph her experience into one where she is tangled up with the memory, the way that two skeins of yarn might get completely tangled up together. I was then able to start the process of untangling her from the memory. Eventually, I slipped out of that ultra clear state, into the normal fuzziness that I get when in contact, and then back to a state that was mostly clear and on my own.

So, my question is whether anyone has any insight as to what that other clear state might have been? It was new to me and it was tremendously helpful for working with this child. I am hoping to be able to recreate it in future sessions, but am not quite certain what it is that I am aiming for.

That's cool. I'm not as far along as you in work with the child parts.

I eventually was able to explain to her that my child is confused about whether or not she is the memory,

Is this similar to when they say they are stuck in a memory?

Eventually, I slipped out of that ultra clear state, into the normal fuzziness that I get when in contact, and then back to a state that was mostly clear and on my own.

This reminds me of when I lucid dream, it's fuzzy, then it gets ultra clear, and we can work really well in that state.

Borg wrote:That's cool. I'm not as far along as you in work with the child parts.

I eventually was able to explain to her that my child is confused about whether or not she is the memory,

Is this similar to when they say they are stuck in a memory?

No, it's different. I think that it largely stems from the fact that at a particular age, some very bad things happened and it was like there was splintering at that age and tiny pieces were taken on by many lesser developed parts. So, the sole purpose of this part was to hold the memories of this certain type of activity and the various emotions and such that go with it. Looked at from that perspective, I can see why she was confused about whether she existed other than via the memory, but I am clear that the part of me who got me through that is very, very strong, and she is very much a valued part of the greater me. No way that I want to lose her!!!

Eventually, I slipped out of that ultra clear state, into the normal fuzziness that I get when in contact, and then back to a state that was mostly clear and on my own.

This reminds me of when I lucid dream, it's fuzzy, then it gets ultra clear, and we can work really well in that state.[/quote]

Interesting... I have never been able to lucid dream, so I can't compare it.

I have noticed that when I have tried to work with my kids over the last few days, I haven't reached the same state, however I do believe that I am better able to communicate with them than I had before the last session.