Introduction and doubts

Hey guys! I've been reading your forum for a while and I find it very comforting and informative, still I'm not sure if I really belong here...

Just thought to say "hi" to everyone and tell my story and maybe ask questions.

The last session with my T I've realized that I have another part of me, very childish (I think she's about 2 yrs because she's not much of a talking at all). It made my mind completely messed, because suddenly I started to feel what she feels (all of sorrow, fear and pain). Then I started to watch after myself and I noticed that I need to become someone else just to go out of my home. It feels like "here I am sitting on my chair too scared to go on streets" and then all of a sudden I realize that I'm on a tram going to my classes. And I hardly remember how did I managed to do that and it's like they are different "me" one is at home too scared to answer phone, and another is normally socializing with classmates and professors.

And there must be another me, who writes fictions, because I usually don't really remember how I write and re-reading my texts makes me creeps when I don't understand how I managed to create those stories. (formerly I thought it's OK and all writers write that way, but now I'm not so sure)

I'm not sure if that is similar to what happens to you all, like switches and alters, because it's not like i really become someone different without united memory (still my childhood is always seem like a solid black wall with a few tiny dusty windows for observing some frozen events of my past). And other "me" don't have names. It's more like walking in heavy fog, not completely realizing who&where am I and what I do. And that kid part was hidden from me all the time, it's like she's got out of inner cellar and feeling what she feels completely ruins me. (Maybe she was hidden for a good reason...)

And I feel so lost and so alone with all that inner mess, we've got a 3 week break with my T, and no one around me knows about my troubles (I'm too scared to tell because I'm not sure how they'll react)

Sorry if my post is unsuitable here. I just wanted to talk to someone. Do you guys think it is similar to dissociative disorders? Did any of you felt something like that?

Sounds similar to what happened with us when we still hadn't gotten everything sorted out. It might ease up a bit once you start sorting out what you've got going on, maybe journelling to keep track of when "weird stuff" seems to happen?

Welcome to the forum!

Schrodinger's cat wrote:(still my childhood is always seem like a solid black wall with a few tiny dusty windows for observing some frozen events of my past).

This sentence I quoted is so well worded.

Welcome to the forums.

SnakeskinSoul wrote:It might ease up a bit once you start sorting out what you've got going on, maybe journelling to keep track of when "weird stuff" seems to happen?
Welcome to the forum!

Thanks, SnakeskinSoul!
The thing is I've been writing diaries since 1997. Some times I had notes I don't remember myself writing. I think I'll start with reading those old writings, maybe it'll give me some clues! Still it's so shocking when you go to therapy with "anxiety and depression" and get a whole new reality...

ashesoflife wrote:This sentence I quoted is so well worded.

Welcome to the forums.

Thanks, ashesoflife!
(I was not sure in proper use of language because english is not my native )

Hello and welcome to the forum. It can take a while to figure out what is going on for you but feel free to stick around here and get some more ideas about how to figure out what is going on for you. I think re-reading your old writings is a really good start. I think it is also positive that you have a therapist to work with.

salted lipstick wrote:Hello and welcome to the forum.

Hello, salted lipstick!

(I was too scared to post before)
Last week I've met with my T and she confirmed that I'm dissociative. And she talked to little me last session (It was sooo terrifying! )

And the diaries... It looks like all writings are about only one of me.

It sounds to me like you came to the right place. Everything you described resonated with my experiences, either recently or earlier in my life when I was losing time. It's probably useful to keep reading the posts here and, of course, keep asking questions or adding comments when something in a thread strikes a chord. I also liked the description of "the solid black wall with a few tiny dusty windows."

Welcome Schrodinger's cat!
It seems to me as though you though you are in the right place as well.

Schrodinger's cat wrote:I need to become someone else just to go out of my home. It feels like "here I am sitting on my chair too scared to go on streets" and then all of a sudden I realize that I'm on a tram going to my classes. And I hardly remember how did I managed to do that and it's like they are different "me" one is at home too scared to answer phone, and another is normally socializing with classmates and professors.

All of this is so classic, but the "too scared to answer phone"...and I thought I was the only one...

Greetings

I like the name "Schrodinger's Cat" - sometimes quantum weirdness is an apt metaphor for internal realities. Out of curiousity, what made you pick it?

My job is being a math professor. Sometimes I feel like I have to become someone else to be able to interact with students. When I am in a highly dissociated state I'll sometimes go on autopilot while lecturing and observe myself talking about something like stats without really paying any attention to what I am saying. When that happens I find it amazing that nobody in the class seems to notice that I'm not really there. Sometimes I wonder if there are students in my class who are also hiding complex internal realities. I know that there must be but the role-playing that goes into every day life prevents me from ever asking. The reason I mention all this is that you said that you were afraid of how people would react if you tell them about what you are going through. You do need to be cautious about who you tell, but when you do open up you might be surprised to find that other people that you already know have themselves gone through various mental struggles.

Sotrsab wrote:Welcome Schrodinger's cat!
It seems to me as though you though you are in the right place as well.

Schrodinger's cat wrote:I need to become someone else just to go out of my home. It feels like "here I am sitting on my chair too scared to go on streets" and then all of a sudden I realize that I'm on a tram going to my classes. And I hardly remember how did I managed to do that and it's like they are different "me" one is at home too scared to answer phone, and another is normally socializing with classmates and professors.

All of this is so classic, but the "too scared to answer phone"...and I thought I was the only one...

You're definitely not alone. Happens with us, too.