Mute alters? How to help them talk to T? ***TRIGGERS***

***HUGE Triggers*** CSA/Sex mentioned

Had confirmed for me last night that one of my most traumatized parts, who had to participate in CSA (have to say here that invalidator says I am making up) from an outside-the-family person who was brought into our home, is mute. She barely talks inside and has never once talked out loud. Her job was to do what she was told to. Inside, she holds the confusion of scary/painful things (LY holds fear/pain) also causing some physical pleasure, and she holds all the shame. She has been the one, basically our whole life, who does anything sexual, but can only relate to it from the perspective of being violated (i.e. she had to make the violation itself a positive/invited thing, had to think it was something she wanted, something she caused, her fault, something she made others do). H (who has a sleep condition that has caused us to have to leave the bed, because he initiates in his sleep) has learned he has to ask about whether or not we can participate, but she can never answer outside. Inside, she says said stuff like for him to just get it over with.

Last night, she came out stronger in therapy last night than she ever has, was having body memories and flashbacks and while she was getting comforted with T, as always, she was wondering when she was going to be expected to do that stuff again. Like, she is always steeling herself against it. Myself, CT and two kids who are close to her have all told T she worries about this and he is always really good, reassuring that stuff is in the past and she is safe and protected and, well he is a Christian T and that is part of our work, so assurances about how having God as a part of our connection makes her safe. Sorry, I know that might be triggering to others as some parts get triggered by God stuff. So, she got these worries again, went and hid in the corner between two chairs. T came and sat in one of the chairs and was available, but didn't invade. He kept asking if she could talk and she was shaking her head no. She could moan/whimper and that's it. He said, "OK, if it's not safe, you can talk later, whenever you're ready." But she really can't (**triggers - might have to do with with something in her mouth, because she grabbed her throat to show that to T...I witnessed most of it, but it's fuzzy). Anyway, she took out our notebook and wrote scribbly, "Can't Talk!" and kept circling and underlining it, did a mouth all crossed out, trying to get T to understand. I had to explain to him later.

Anyway, so I have this mute alter inside who took some of the most awful and confusing aspects of this abuse that we keep hearing isn't true. I can't remember much about the memories that were coming up for her, so I can't share them for her, other than really vague stuff (like a list of stuff she had to do, an image or two, what physical sensations lingered after she went back inside). How do I help her if she can't talk and can barely write?

Most in our system either is mute or has been mute but has started talking at times. Silence has been a huge part of our life and we still maintain it a lot. What we do to communicate: write (on the computer, by hand, by text - whatever that alter is most comfortable with), draw, play songs (on our mp3 player -that helps convey what they're feeling) or signing (several know some basic signs for certain fears or most used words like "mother", "father", "I'm sorry" etc). That's what's worked best for us, hope any of this might help your alter - she sounds like she could really benefit from some communication! Wishing her and you all the best!

- Lin [+]

We do an inner world trick. I go inside and take the little's hand. I ask her to show me. Then I can translate it into words.

The biggest warning of this is let go! When you see as much as you can handle, let go. It stops the flow of memory. Take a protector with you to grab you and pull you back when you have seen enough if you can't let go.

If you take too much of the memory before you are ready, you will lose it all again. Start small and get flashes. Let go and process the flashes. Next time hold on for 5 seconds. Stop and process. Don't try to take a whole memory at once if you aren't ready.

If you trust your T, do that while you are in therapy. Translate the memory from the non-verbal form to words to your T. Work up little by little. It can be a slow process but sometimes going slow is the best way.

This works for us but everyone is different. I hope you find something that works for all of you.

Fortunately, she understands language, so for a while it may be a matter of speaking to her, comforting her, telling her your thoughts. You can ask her yes/no questions or multiple choice. She could signal a yes by saying it internally or by nodding or sending another signal to the body, like via the hand. Because she is mute, it's even more important to look for any clue available that she wants or needs to communicate something to you.

I have alters who don't want to talk aloud, but have done so internally or while journaling. All the youngest child alters are pretty quiet for various reasons. When they do talk aloud, the man's voice that comes out frightens them, though sometimes words will come out in a high enough pitch it's okay.

One alter, Ashar, is an animal/feral child who seems to have no command of language at all, though he seems to know what language is and wants to do it. Sphinx tends to confirm this child took abuse from a DID mother's animal alter, who didn't speak. So he doesn't have any access to language. Yet.

Last night for the first time, Adam, the baby, spoke something internally while he was out that was very simple but appropriate. It may be that he's growing older to the age where he would be talking, but it felt like something else. It seemed like he had "found" access to the language part of the shared mind. Because after he said it, he lost the connection right away but went looking for it again. That's what it seemed like was happening to me.

The other littles have all gained access to how to do certain things. Reading simple sentences slowly and understanding the basics (though not close to my level of reading) is one of these. Writing simply is another. That gives us hope that language is shared procedural knowledge, like putting on clothes, or how to open things they haven't encountered before.

Muteness from the cause of fear may be a step closer to speaking. Is there anything, any little thing she might be fond of that she could focus on during therapy or that you could allow her to spend time on (co-conscious?) at home that gets her outside of being trapped in the behavior she has felt is her only option? Something that might give her the opportunity to be somewhere, do something other than in the midst of fear? For my twin child alters, it was easier than I thought. I brought some toys home and gave them time and, sure enough, they began playing. For Little John, whose habit was self-denial, that was triggering so I had to approach it from a different angle.

She can write, if simply, so I would encourage that. Even if she doesn't start out good at it, my guess is she will progress over time.

Firstly, I am sorry someone is suggesting that you are making things up.

Secondly, we have a mute system member; she is the first one that was here, and bore much of what happened when we were younger. We've learned a bit of sign language, to try and help her speak when she comes out-- just in a nonverbal way. Maybe that is a possibility, if your therapist understand sign language at all?

If not, I think maybe working with her on being able to write out what she wants/needs to say would be helpful. What you said seems to suggest that she has a grasp on written words-- I won't assume to know how good of a grasp that is, so I don't over- or under- estimate, but I think it's a good place to start.

Lifelong's suggestion about music is also really, really interesting. Music can be very therapeutic.

Lin - Thanks. It's good to have perspective that it can be normal for insiders to not talk outside. Most of mine don't, but have done so enough for me to at least know they can. She actually kept growing until 12 and initially I thought she was an adult, because she continued to handle a lot of my adult sexuality. She doesn't know any signs, but T understood when she patted/pointed to her throat. It seems like drawing, writing or going through someone else like she has might be best, but the latter only works if she's not up alone, which is what I think happened last night. She has almost always been up with LY (5-6) or River (8?) so far, as thet both share trauma with her. Not sure about music. It can help, but some are triggered by it, since one caregiver is a professional musician.

ashes - That is almost exactly what I do, except it is less conscious and hard to break off without letting the big brother get reall pushy with the kids. Translating was the way therapy worked almost exclusively the first nine months after diagnosis. It is only in the last couple of months that T has been getting direct contact from other parts on a regular basis. It was very intermittent before that. I'm getting better at getting out of the way and letting them out, but worse at coming back out. I think, in this case, it is important that she be able to experience T's safety. That someone will be there for her, give her a hug, etc., and not expect anything from her. When he came to sit in the chair next to where she was hiding on the floor, she kept leaning into the chair to be close to him. She was hiding under the sweater and he patted and reassured her and it helped her feel better. She wants to be able to communicate with him, but she can't if nobody else is there. And, because I have a denial problem (I call/enable/collude with the part who does that unconsciously), it really needs to be another little or a part who believes her to translate. I wonder if I could get LY or River or CT to always come out with her and not go inside when the hard stuff comes up.

JJ - I knew from Ashar you would understand the inability to speak. You are right that both he and this part can learn and grow. I think I have spent too much time avoiding her and do need to pay more attention. I avoided her because of the present day problems she contributed to in my marital intimacy. She has said things inside at times, but every time she has represented (just how she feels--I have never seen what she looks like, unlike all the other kids/teens) as older...so I'm just confused about whether the one who talks is even the same, because she feels much smaller when trauma stuff comes up. I don't know if she is afraid of speaking or if she believes something is impeding it. She nearly always has a gagging sensation when up. I really have no idea what she might be into, because she basically only existed for this specific thing and has never gotten safe body time until and excep in therapy. The page she chose to write on had some drawings. A mask and a bird. I think she liked them, because she chose that page instead of finding a blank one and I thinks she was sad when she accidentally wrote over/tore the drawings while furiously circling, "Can't Talk." Maybe she would like to drawor paint? LY really wanted to, for a while, when processing some of their joint trauma, but doesn't want to as much anymore. I wonder if it was on behalf of this other girl...LY likes to draw, but this was more like a need. We bought paints for therapy and everything, but it didn't work out timing wise, because I waited too long,

SnakeskinSoul - Thanks. The invalidation is at least partially my fault. I'm complicit in a way I don't fully understand yet, but which precludes me from deserving much sympathy. I don't think my T signs at all, but he has a lot off intuitive undersyanding and will usually ask yes/no questions that are on target pretty quickly. I just feel her aloneness in it, not being able to share more. I think she can read and write OK, but she doesn't necessarily have the vocabulary to express what she is feeling. Even talking wouldn't help with that, though.

Thanks, all, for the help. It means a lot that you responded. I'm trying to figure out how we can get her some more time tomorrow morning (our next session) to see if she can maybe draw with T.

Just a quick update. We saw T today. The mute part did come out by herself again. She wasn't having any memories, so she wasn't trying to communicate, except she tapped her throat again. I don't remember most of the session. I think it was mostly just T being there, comforting and reassuring her and LY and our toddler too. He was comforting and talking to them for at least an hour, but I can't remember much of what was said...I think mostly just reassurances about their safety and the past stuff being over, not their fault, etc. Something shifte with the mute one. She is still traumatized, but she was able to completely relax for the first time, ever, I think, without steeling herself for what she might have to do. She just rested and let herself be comforted and wasn't scared that reaching out for that was going to cost her or anything. So, while no progress in the communication area, there was a definite shift inside. It feels like...less fear for LY, less shame and fear for the mute one...but more grief all around.

Hi there! I wanted to share the few experiences I've had in speaking with my son's non-verbal one. At first, we just had a couple simple pantomimes as we got to know each other. Basically finding a way to stand, or gesture to represent the other alters so he could tell me who he loved, who was 'ok', and who wanted to see me next... We also got a talisman of sorts to indicate either he was ready to go or for me to give him when it was time for (my son) to come back. And 'follow' was given to me.

Next came a little bit of rudimentary sign language..just a few alphabet letters which he used the first letter of a word or name and (in context) I would guess. Once I guessed right, he would rub his face on my arm in approval (he is non-human and I only give these details to maybe address those in the same situation..I hope you don't mind). Anyway...my T and I kind of do the 20Q thing so that he can just use the yes/no answers...but T doesnt' like that too much because she fears we will lead the conversation with our own assumptions... but it did work just to get to know him better "are you older than (one alter)? Were you here for (other alter)?

This last time, he was able to grasp a pencil and write single words that we could build around again. There isn't much he can say emotionally - how he feels is hard to convey without a true vocabulary except with obvious scowls or facial expressions...

T warned that when one part wants to tell (or anyone does) there might be something set up in them from the one who hurt them to stop them from telling... some 'rules' about telling, possible conditioning to prevent someone from 'blurting it out'....

Potential trigger/violence - I will *** when over if you want to skip.
After this session where we learned new information, my son was spending time inside the house with the others. Something very sinister came at him and stabbed him in the throat. I asked him if that seemed significant or random...and he said "It's like .. communication....it was my throat..not my jugular...that it went for." I said "Do you think it is upset that you and (nonverbal) have both expressed wanting to tell a secret? and he said he wasn't sure but at least it makes sense...********

One last thing that struck me...trying to think of how a perpetrator/abuser might set up a rule...this is because you mentioned her grabbing her throat. (please don't read if you don't want my theory..if you only want what worked for us so far - stick with the top part....I don't want to trigger or offend)
BUT - that motion she did in the T's office with her throat, and the writing...it reminded me of The Little Mermaid. Aerial lost her voice. The seawitch took it from her and put it in a shell that she kept around her neck. Aerial tried to write a note at one point, but the Prince didn't have a chance to see it - she wanted to explain that she used to be able to talk but can't now..... I don't know if that makes sense....but perhaps if you were able to ask her if she knows where her voice is? Can it be retrieved? PERHAPS...if you were that young and watched that show...that 'idea' was given that your voice could be taken away too.... My T said that to help my son get past these obstacles that have been set up inside...we have to help him understand the new rules.... Then...it was not ok to talk. But now is different. Now we have a new set of rules...and the new rules are (now you come in......it is safe to talk (where? with who?) and when we do our (voice is able to come forward). For my son, it is not finding his voice, but being able to figure out how to use his human mouth to form words....

I hope this helped a little ... they are only my thoughts, not a professional theory... Take care!

My name is Nikki. I am 11 and ageless. I held the secrets and never spoke inside nor outside, although I communicated well with body language and sharing images. I had another job as well but that is not pertinent here.

Further reading may cause triggers.

Brian, our SO and best friend, talks to us constantly about each of us having choices... that we once had no choices but now everyday we have tons of choices. Several months ago he informed me that speaking or not was my choice. He reiterated the safety we have now, and told me that I did not have too keep my secrets any longer unless I choose to do that as well. Basically, believing I was not to talk was a belief imposed, one I no longer needed to adhere to if I chose not to.

I was scared at first. I started making noises inside. Likely everyone grew tired of my notices, humming and then practing sounds of letters. I wanted my first words to be "I love you Brian" but one day I was outside practing "B r Ian" when he heard me and thought I was saying"bird". Bird was my first spoken word.

I was shown I have a choice. I was shown that my fears were controlling me. One thing that Brian often stated is that when we allow fear to control us and take away our choices, we are essentially allowing our abusers to continue to control us... that they re still gripping us.

Knowing we have choices and knowing that allowing fear to impede us in life is allowing our abusers to still control us is the best message we have ever gotten. So all I have to say is to share that choice exists... even choosing to not speak out of fear is a choice, and there is no shame in that.

Hope this helps.

Thank you Monique for typing for me.