Can an alter disappear without warning?

Since my son's youngest alter discovered his long lost mom...was me...and I hadn't abandoned him...the Protector has pretty much put a damper on our speaking. He is looking for the 'mom' that was created when I was gone..she is missing...and he is searching for her to live in the house with the little one.

He is terrified that my 'meddling' will steal his child from him. That, if the little one resolves his issue, he will simply fade away. He wants to keep him.

honestly...i had the same fear..having just found out when and part of why he came to be, I felt a lot of sadness that he might just vanish when I want to have a little more time to comfort him and see him happy/laugh before he (if he) goes.

I'm unsure whether I should continue to assure this one that I am his mom...is it too quick for the system? And I hate that I'm a little jealous of the mom that is being searched for. I know she was to be a stand in for me when I couldn't be there and that she is part of my son and hopefully has some of the 'good' I gave him...but I'm nervous to meet her and I'm nervous about giving the littles this mom in the house..won't that mean they will resist integrating or growing?

And I'm so confused. if they integrate...what happens to the house they built? Maybe I'm getting sucked into this reality too much - that I feel anxious about what will they do with the empty rooms? but it is a reality to them...and I feel for the Protector not wanting to lose the little ones. So mixed up!

Lost our reply so we'll try to remember what we wrote..

Every system is different but for us anyway alters can't just disappear. Without being comfortable saying too much; they can go to "sleep", they can go into a "big sleep", they can integrate (with someone else or with core) [no one has though] or some other options. None of them are just disappearing though - because even if that alter has processed their memory, the core still hasn't. Don't know if others systems can just make a part disappear though..

If your son's system works so that the alter can disappear like that, we would imagine he would integrate in your son's host personality (or another alter closer to the little one) and in that case you could look at it like this: you are still able to comfort and support that part, just in conjunction with another part as well. If he can in fact just disappear? Don't know anything about that - someone else will probably have an answer.

It's natural to be jealous and nervous. But no, it wouldn't make them resist growing and integrating. If she's there she is a part of your son, she's not you - but an image of you, and if integration is what you are working towards your son will never be fully integrated if certain parts of him aren't getting what they need. She will have her needs just like any other alter. As for what happens to the house? We don't know - we don't know much about integration. It is a reality to them and we guess they just have to work it out as they go. Don't worry about it - just let what happens happen and use your energy to support and comfort (easier said than done, yeah).

Hope we didn't say anything weird or bad or anything like that .

- [+]

HopeIsHere wrote:honestly...i had the same fear..having just found out when and part of why he came to be, I felt a lot of sadness that he might just vanish when I want to have a little more time to comfort him and see him happy/laugh before he (if he) goes.

It's quite possible he won't go, especially if he affirms to himself and to the other system members (including your son) that he wants to stay there. It's always possible to give him more duties, duties that will always be needed. One of ours felt quite useless, so we just gave him more jobs and he become more "solid" because of it. Which wasn't a bad thing, since he is smart and a very good person to have around helping.

HopeIsHere wrote:I'm unsure whether I should continue to assure this one that I am his mom...is it too quick for the system?

Maybe, maybe not. In my opinion, it might be worthwhile to take a step back from that situation, and offer assurance/comfort when it seems appropriate to do so, but otherwise give them time to think, process and deal. They will take their time in sorting it out.

HopeIsHere wrote:And I hate that I'm a little jealous of the mom that is being searched for. I know she was to be a stand in for me when I couldn't be there and that she is part of my son and hopefully has some of the 'good' I gave him...

I think it might be normal to be jealous, but try to think of it as if that those system members went missing, and she's the one who found them and took care of them until he was able to find their way home again. Now, maybe that system member (or members as the case may be) will consider HER to be his/their mother, but there are other system members I'm sure (including your son!) that know you're "mom" and love you. Maybe in time the members that are hunting for their mother will see you both a "mom". Maybe not. It will sort out with time, hopefully.

HopeIsHere wrote:...but I'm nervous to meet her and I'm nervous about giving the littles this mom in the house..won't that mean they will resist integrating or growing?

Again, it could go either way. They might stop aging, but they might not have aged anyways... if that's what you mean by growing. If you mean "growth" in the sense of improvement, they will keep improving, I am sure. This might be key in helping them feel safer, more grounded and all that, in fact. As for integration... does your son and his system members want to integrate? I know that our system can't even imagine trying, and many other systems never do. It could be possible that he and his system members learn to work together and live a healthy, happy life as they are, without anyone needing to go away. Integration is a good goal for some people, but it's not a goal for everyone, and it shouldn't be the immediate goal in therapy (in my opinion).

HopeIsHere wrote:Maybe I'm getting sucked into this reality too much...

No, I think you're just understanding them and treating them as actual people, which they are. It's all real, so it's natural to worry about it as if it were real.