Received my diagnosis. It hurts.

Brandic,

I'm sorry it's hurting right now. It will get better.

When I first got my diagnosis, even though I had figured it out beforehand, it hurt a lot. I think mostly because it forced me to confront a lot of things. To confront that I had been through abuse. To confront that I behaved in ways that other people didn't perceive as "normal" and that this had always made me feel isolated from other people. To confront now I had to be brave enough to keep going with trying to right the pain that there would be buried from the abuse.

What do you think it is that this diagnosis is making you confront? Maybe whatever it is that it is forcing you to confront is the reason for the diagnosis hurting. Maybe if you talk about what it is you feel like you are now confronted with since having the diagnosis, it will help you to feel less bad for at least talking about it a bit?

Big safe comforting hugs if wanted...

Brandic, although you have a DX, it doesn't change who you are, it's like a double edge sword.
It's validating, but also, you went through alot to get to that point. Like, IT really happened. I'm sorry, it sucks, but if it makes you feel any better, it's a healthy step towards acceptance and healing.
((safe hugs if wanted))

Thank you, all of you, for what you've written. I'm doing better, although I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my work distracting me. What happened yesterday is once I got home, all the pain and anxiety came rushing back. A part of me is dreading going home.

I do know, on an intellectual level, that the diagnosis doesn't change anything. I'm the same person I was before. To be honest, I don't know why I'm experiencing as much pain as I am. I don't even what what the reason is behind it. All I know is the pain is there, and it hurts really really bad.

Thank you chibixal. I'm holding onto the hope of rainbows and sunshine. I needed to hear that. Thank you. Xx

brandic wrote:I do know, on an intellectual level, that the diagnosis doesn't change anything. I'm the same person I was before. To be honest, I don't know why I'm experiencing as much pain as I am. I don't even what what the reason is behind it. All I know is the pain is there, and it hurts really really bad.

It's totally natural for you to feel the pain. Doubt was keeping you afloat. Because it's not really about the diagnosis, when it all comes down to it. It's about the fact that there has been so much overwhelm in your life, that your brain just couldn't take it anymore. It's about owning pain. Instead of saying, "oh, well, what happened to me really wasn't that bad," now there is the validation that yes. It was that bad. Bad enough for your brain to do an about face at what it was SUPPOSED to do during development.

Yes, divided, you are exactly right.