permission to make new alter/1st split found *trigger?*

Wow..I wrote a LOT a moment ago. Let me sum it up. I am heartbroken as I have found that my son's first split - aprox 2-3 yrs old really was my fault and I went into it in great length. Here are the cliff notes.

Littlest one - 2 - had mentioned he had no mommy. It appears he was too sad/missing me when I sent him on a plane to visit his dad (accompanied minor- stewardess sat with him the whole 'through' flight) and I was told he did just fine... but he mentioned that bio-dad was 'mean' and that internal dad said Mom would come...but she never did. he locked himself away/slept and never knew we were reunited and that I DID come...

He got more anxious and then said Alex (internal Daddy) was there in the room with us but got so upset when he couldn't hold/feel his hand - he went back inside. Alex came out. He told me that this business of not having a mom for the two littles was concerning and that he and the other protector wanted permission to make a mom for them.

I said that I understand that I cannot go in the house with them, but that I really am their mom and so I'm not sure it was a good idea. He said "well, we heard there may be others...and well, maybe 'make' is not the right word. we are looking for her. seeking her. we found a box of pictures and we are searching for the right one."

I told him if they found her, I would welcome her as family - just as the others...but that I would like a day to think about it before giving permisison to 'create' one when I am here....

Keron came out again and I held him and I sang him a song. I asked if he remembered it and he said he did. I told him it is because it was our song that I sang. I told him I knew what his bear looks like and his clothing...because I was there with him...I'm his missing momma...and I'm never going to disappear again. Never put him on a plane again... and he nodded and clung to me and I held him but he didn't allow himself to cry...but my son did.

Keron went to bed...and my son cried and held on to me and he said he forgave me..... He said that the non-verbal wanted to see me and I wondered if he was angry, being the more fierce protector, but I told him it was ok.

My son went inside to speak to Keron...and the nonverbal one came out. He told me he thinks Alex cares for me. And he seemed anxious to assure me that Keron was ok. He can only pantomime and some sign language. But he also said 3 important things. 1) that I must promise not to let my son fly out to see his father this summer or allow him to visit us. 2) that he was searching for the 'mom' inside them for the littles, and my son was not aware of it yet and 3) he would share secrets with me at the next T meeting....

Please let me know what you think about if this sounds like another alter that is trying to come out...or if it is just that the two protectors want to develop a surrogate mom for the house - for the little ones. And is that ok??

You ask if it sounds like they are making a mom - but on several separate occasions and from different alters they are telling you they are "searching". Your son (from what we gather) probably has more alters than the ones you have met ("we hear there are more") and they even mention a picture box - which could mean one of his alters might remember something from either you, or an internal mother. We're guessing they just need to know which it is. From the conversation it seems to me that your son isn't trying to split again - he even said that "make" is the wrong word. So we wouldn't worry. They are searching for parts that might be asleep or locked up or the like. When the search is over you can deal with the result, whatever they may be. But from our point of view, no he isn't splitting now. But we don't know your son so can't really give a definite answer either.

As for being heartbroken - we're very sorry you are going through that. Did your son say he split during the plane trip? Or was it after the trip and when he was at his father's? For what it's worth - even if he did split because of something you did: you are making up for it now and you are helping heal both yourself and your son. You are doing the work even if you have or haven't before. You are being a mother, and your son (as a whole) is starting to see that, it seems. And considering it isn't you they don't want contact with - we'd ask more about when exactly he split (if he's comfortable saying - not mentioning the trauma, but for instance if he was with his father or in his father's house). That doesn't exclude looking inward, obviously. Something traumatic happened to your son (and I would assume several times since there are several alters) - and you are the parent who is there and helping him. That means a lot, no matter what caused the splits in the first place. You are doing a good job and nothing we read here made us think you are not a caring mother, as we said yesterday!

Again, should you ever want to talk or ask questions or anything just PM us

- [+]

HopeIsHere wrote:really was my fault

No. Look back through your memories. What was going on at the time? If you only knew now what you knew then, at the time did you make the choice that was best? If you had other options, what were they and why didn't you do them instead. You had your reasons and they were probably good ones. You didn't know what would happen when you made that choice. It isn't your fault. There is no way you could have predicted the future.

That's a self rant that I have to remind myself of a lot. I was in an abusive marriage and commonly blame myself for what he did to me. I didn't see it coming though. You didn't see your son's first split coming. You didn't know.

he mentioned that bio-dad was 'mean' and that internal dad said Mom would come...but she never did. he locked himself away/slept and never knew we were reunited and that I DID come...

See, you did come back. You aren't to blame for what his father did. If you had known then what would happen you wouldn't have sent him. You didn't know though. You are finding out after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20 but you didn't see this one coming. The little one went in hiding before you came back. He does have a mom he just didn't know it.

He said "well, we heard there may be others...and well, maybe 'make' is not the right word. we are looking for her. seeking her. we found a box of pictures and we are searching for the right one."

There is a good chance there are more others that they don't know about yet. Inner world stuff is symbolic- it's all symbolic representation of what happened outside. The box of pictures is probably a box of memories. They are searching the memories looking for something. Maybe looking for the memory of you returning to show the little one. If the little one can see that you did come back, it would help him.

but he didn't allow himself to cry...but my son did.

That's progress.

1) that I must promise not to let my son fly out to see his father this summer or allow him to visit us.

That's good he was able to express that. Those were probably scary words to hear but while you didn't know then and so couldn't prevent it, you know now and can keep him safe.

3) he would share secrets with me at the next T meeting....

That's progress too. I imagine the things they say will be hard to hear but they are important for them to say.

You're doing a good job. It is all a lot to take. Please don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you for the posts...it has been a hard 24 hours...but it is feeling better...and my son gave me a big hug and asked if I was ok... the beautiful thing is that he has really turned over in his head about if this is why it seems so impossible to think of my ever (dying)...that first feeling of abandonment...so maybe some healing will come..I'm always so scared of that unpredictability of when I might involuntarily 'leave'.... so this helps.